only as good as your word....

My one major thing......

The thing i think you should always do no matter what,

Is always be as good as your word,

How many times have you trusted someone

"trust me" and the first thing they do is betray you

How many times have you heard the word

"I promise" told in spite or lies,....

Why do people do this

they are only as good as there word,

So one way to get me over the coals so to speak

Is get me to give my word.....

could i be so hypocritical as to give my word without sticking to it...

I dont think i can,

I want to, I feel i need to but i honestly

dont think i can,

Ive kept my deal and lifted the phone,

Ever think someone is fighting against you

"Sorry not in", "ohh sorry week off"

"sorry, not available.."

Ever feel like you are being tested to the end.

Your resolve and your power to keep your word

Is tested more than you ever thought possible,



Im writing a lot today, thinks that my head need to ri
think if i keep writing it will get easier,
But it isnt
think if i keep writing i aint doing other things
Maybe ill clean more, if im cleaning,or writing im not planning
Im not going against my word,
Im not doing "silly things"
Im not doing much.....
Oh i dont know no more,
My word is all i have left,
and others words are all i can trust

St John 14

Jesus said "trust in god, trust also in me" In my fathers house are many mansions if it were not so i would have told you, I am going there to prepare a place for you and if i go and prepare a place i will come back and recieve you so that where i am there you may be also
Thomas said "lord we dont know where you are going so how can we know the way"
jesus said I am the way the truth and the light no one comes unto the father except by me".....
I memorised that when i was 5 at sunday school, took months, won a ceritificate and a noahs arc book for doing it,
How many times have i said that in my head since,
when i was younger i used to say it over and over again and pray it was true, every time i would say this if i couldnt float or if i wasnt dark,
maybe thats why i was so good at remembering it,
It isnt as it is worded in most bibles im sure it was a kids bible we used then and no doubt over the 20+years bits have been missed in my head, but at the same time i can clearly remember saying they words, i still do say them sometimes,
Do i think they are true?i dont know anymore, i used to, maybe it was what kept me going, going to this new house with all the rooms, being safe and secure....
hahaha if only
Ive decided im an insomniac, im not sleeping obviously, i cant sleep and im truly trying to sleep, my head,throat and neck are sore the pain is changing from mental to mental and physicall, id reckon lack of sleep has a lot to do with that
How long can you wake before you sleep? How long can you sleep before you will never wake?
How long can you wake before you will never sleep again?

How long can your head spin with images before it falls off,
How long can you go on breathing before your breath has had enough?
How long can you hide before people try to find you?
How long can you wear a mask before it starts to crack?
How long can you can the replay button in your head get stuck
How long is a piece of fuckin string, as i have as much chance of answering that as the rest of the questions,
Well it as long as you want it to be, or as long as you cut it, aint it, so does that mean the rest is the same, do things only go on for as long as people let them or is there a greater being deciding for them, are we giving a path to go or are we giving a maze with choices?
are we puppets on a string or are our strings cut along with the cord at birth, do we make our own choices, do we have choices, is there such things as choices, if there is and things are all choices or paths weve taken then my judgement aint all that good and i picked the wrong path over and over again.
FUCK KNOWS
i dont know much at all just now, except that im tired im sore and im confused, im having enough and im struggling but im still doing so it cant all be that bad, or so they say.....
Im scared, sad, angry, frustrated, short tempered, generally not a nice person to be around for now, so why do i make them be around me?
I dont know, is that another choice, is it there choice or mine,

its official im an insomniac.....

will i ever be able to go to bed and sleep

arghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

probably not, thankgod for this internet,

or where would i be!!!

got some music on,

its the thought that the alarm that are my kids

will be screetching there usual wake up call in 4 hours,

I cant go on on 3hours max sleep a night,

and tonight is going near that again,

HELP ME PLEASE



more lyrics from P!nk.......

Artist: PinkAlbum: I'm Not Dead Title: Runaway
I've got my things packed

My favorite pillow

Got my sleeping bag

Climb out the window

All the pictures and pain

I left behind

All the freedom and fame

I've gotta find

And I wonder

How long it'll take them to notice that I'm gone

And I wonder

How far it'll take me

To run away

It don't make any sense to me

Run away

This life makes no sense to me

Run away

It don't make any sense to me

Run away

It don't make any sense to me

I was just trying to be myself

Have it your way I'll meet you in hell

It's all these secrets that I shouldn't tell I've got to run away

It's hypocritical of you

Do as you say not as you do

I'll never be your perfect girl

I've got to run away

I'm too young to be

Taken seriously

But I'm too old to believe

All this hypocrisy

And I wonder

How long it'll take them to see my bed is made

And I wonder

If I was a mistake

I might have nowhere left to go

But I know that I cannot go home

These words are strapped inside my head

Tell me to run before I'm dead

Chase the rainbows in my mind

And I will try to stay alive

Maybe the world will know one day

Why won't you help me run away

It don't make any sense to meRun away

This life makes no sense to meRun away

I could sing for change

On a Paris street

Be a red light dancer

In New Orleans

I could start again

To the family

I could change my name

Come and go as I please

In the dead of night

You'll wonder where I've gone

Wasn't it youWasn't it you

Wasn't it you that made me run away

I was just trying to be myself

Have it your way I'll meet you in hell

All these secrets that I shouldn't tell

I've got to run away

It's hypocritical of you

Do as you say not as you do

Never be your perfect girl

I've got to run away

It don't make any sense to meRun away

This life makes no sense to meRun away

It don't make any sense to meRun away

It don't make any sense to me

This life makes no sense to me

It don't make no sense to me

It don't make any sense to me

Life don't make any sense to me



You made sure of that didnt you

You made sure it would make no sense,

didnt you, you made sure i wouldnt speak

im waiting you know that dont you

im nearly all sorted here, so do your worst,

go, you said you would, said you could

so prove them all wrong, prove that they dont know

Prove me right, or is that why im still waiting??

Do you want to prove me wrong?

Want me to think im even more mad????

Dont think that is possible,

I feel so dirty just now, but cant bath ill wake everyone

I can do it when the birds start singing, its a good noise that

You are safer when the birds are singing arent u....

I know i am



I am sorry that i spoke,and i know you know that

People are saying really bad things about you, not about me,

but i dont let me ears listen to her, i just turn that bad word out my ears,

so its not like it is really said then,

but i think they say it because they have to, aint it, because they need to

They know and i know and you know the truth, but if they called me

a slut they would be going against there beliefs and people

just dont like doing that, do they??

we know how fuckin idiotic ive been

I tried to believe what was said to me, then i thought about it

n logic tells me i was stupid to even start believing,and i hear you

telling me what will happen if i listen and believe,

Youre not as loud or not as often now, are you sick of telling me

Im sorry i get so angry with you, i try to stay angry at you

But it is so so hard, as i know ive been a bad bad girl

i just dont know how to change, Im just a wee girl and i need you to

show me what im doing that is so so bad,liike you always do, can you not show me in a way that doesnt hurt the same though,

I know drawing on the window ledge was naughty

but i thought you wouldnt think it was me,

thought u wouldnt think id be clever enough to know

how to? I suppose i should have known you would have known

So im sorry, i know i do naughty things all the time, i really try not too

Sorry for gabbing all the time, When im quiet people ask me what is wrong

but you told me that wasnt good, and to stop people asking me i had to stop pretending that i wasnt happy, i know im special and lucky to get treated like such a big girl, but sometimes i just forget to smile and if people tell me im being a sad girl its alright because i tell them i have a sore tummy, i always have something sore, then they think that is why i am sad,

x.x

PAIN..........

Oh dear god, am i in pain,
Major pain,
Physical pain,
mental pain
emotianal pain
Agony.........

Leg is cut to bits,
Head is sore, jaw is sorer,
Heart is aching
stomach is sore, feel sick

These f/b are killing me
they might be the end of me
The P/A are just as bad

If i start to get flashes
i start to panic
if i start to panic
i get flashes
What chance have i got?

A circle of emotian
One minute, fine
next minute f.b
see it all, feel it all
smell it,taste it, live it again
either go away float to be safe
or panic.....
If i could control i would always float
floating is easier and harmless to me
(unless im cooking!!!)ouch.....
Panic is scary for me,
and for little people near me
but sometimes i lose that control
so i panic...
i havent much control over anything for now

Im wrecked, i want to just curl up
close my eyes and hope they never open again
I keep waiting on something happening to me
But it hasnt yet
maybe they are playing with me?
taking it slowly to torture me all the more
strike when i least expect it
WHO KNOWS

how much longer can i go on?

OMFG....
How much longer can i go on like this,
Ive not even attempted to go upstair as i know its just not worth it
my eyes are stinging and i feel sick,
havent eaten cant eat
not even the chinese i was treated to
YUK

ive tried everything,
ive even sat on the doorstep, bit cold though
Windy and dark.....
Yep today, well yesterday now,
another appointment, another fuck up by me

Im so pissed off with myself as i had a clear thing i needed to ask
Did I? ehhh Nope, did i feck.
then i was asked my opinion on things!
especially that friggin letter.
Did i say what i wanted?
Did i feck, *smash* bottle crashes
I just agreed and got on,
I was scared to say,


Maybe trying to speak and be brave and not write
aint a good idea,
i feel so alone just now,
maybe because i am....hehe,
as it is the middle of the night,

I feel so dirty, bleach, bleach and more bleach
I love bleach
I feel tired, speed,speed and more speed,wish i had
bloody speed
I feel sad, tears,tears and more tears, wish i could
let them go
but thats just more control to lose aint it?

Plus crying is a no-no, as if you cry
people might ask why?
and then if you tell them
you will live in the sky

fear isnt a good thing either,
but ive learnt to live with fear,
no,who am i trying to kid,
i dont live,
try again....
fear isnt good,
but ive learnt to exist anyway

Cuddles? God do i need one of these,
I feel "uncuddable" is that even a word?
probably not,
thats back to the dirty again aint it

best thing for dirt, Bleach
best thing for stress, mach3
best way to survive,is to not,
then you can be a surviving pos. memory for some
and not an existing idiot scum!!!!

im so so so raw...................
and sore
and scared and confused,
so confused,

And will i be honest,
I suppose i should
8 hours, shit!!!ohhh no
8 hours, that is scarey,
Very scarey, i know i aint gonna have sussed
this all in 8 hours,
I know i aint gonna be "normal" in 8 hours
I know ill still be struggling in 8 hours,

I know i need a time, I know there are
people more needing,waiting......
but 8 hours,
my kids sleep more than that a night,
in fact a lot more than that,
Im really scared of that,
Im feeling half there, am i even half yet?
and its been more than 8hours

I was thinking 8 hours from now,
by then i would have maybe said
what i needed, discussed the f.b in as much detail
to sort them, not be "normal"

oh fuck it
im just mumbling now as sleep does that
or at least lack of it,
back to the mach3 and the pen n paper i think
4 hours and hubbie goes to work,
not long

the one for her

I copied and pasted this from a post last week
to keep it near the top,
its hers!!!im sure thats crystal now (post 28,not bad)
Im hungover,
Head sore,
Feel numb,
confused,
dazed and full of dread

It aint alcohol induced,
Its an emotianal hangover
No excuse...
Ive been walking into things,
Forgetting who i am
Where i am,
what age i am
I feel tired,
sick,
heavey head
I dont want to climb out my comfy bed,
I want to pull the covers over me and hide
I want to jump in a car for an eternal ride
I want to go back and change what ive said
Why???didnt i listen to the things in my head...
Dont tell on me, dont make me bad(i can hear)
I loved you, cherished you thought you were glad
I love you too, I answer with no fear
But can you even really hear,
I know he was bad and you were good,
Maybe you were nicer to make it not so rude
Did you think your gentleness made up for the wrong?
I wish you knew how very wrong......
I love you with all my heart,
Im gratefull for the love i was given on your part,
I know you lived a life of fear,
I didnt know then,
but now it is easier to hear.
But you told me i was your number one
What made you think it was fun....
It wasnt fun, it was a lesson,
i thinkOr were you just to far gone on the drink???

Probably
I used to bath you,
feed you, dress you for bed,
Like you were a child,
not an adult near dead,
It was always drink,
wasnt it, i was never me,
You know you took over everything in my head,
But i love you still and im sorry for what ive done,
I never meant to tell on you,
or make you hurt
I dont know why i said it,
i always swore i wouldnt
I know you were showing me that it didnt need to be sore
Or bad, you always knew, how fuckin sad
I protected you for ever and a day
But now its time for me to say
Im sorry "@=-* for putting you down,
I know im your number one
I know i make you proud,
I miss you every day that you are not in my life
Im a mother of two kids now and a caring wife,
How proud of me would you be,
Maybe you were right
you showed me love could be gentle caring and true
And for that ill always love you
But you done it wrong,
thankgod i know
For i show my babies love the way YOU NEVER
I show my kids that they are clever,
That they are loved, that they are safe and that there bodies are a temple
Maybe you tried to do this and didnt know how to?
It was never as sore or scarey with you,
Just screwed me up that wee bit more,
Because FUCK SAKE
am i not worth more,
I know the hurt you had in your eyes,
I told you i loved you before you died,
I just pray you went in peace
and
dont worry ill be there to look after you again
Some day soon,
just come and get me when you need me,
love ya and always will,
i dont blame you, you just didnt knowx.x.x.x

WHY????????

THIS IS THE KIND OF WORLD WE LIVE IN
PEOPLE ALL OVER LEAVING MESSAGES AND TRIBUTES FOR ONE WEE GIRL
ONE WEE GIRL OUT OF MILLIONS,
PEOPLE ARE HORRIFIED THAT THIS WEE GIRL HAS BEEN TAKEN FROM HER
PARENTS WHILE SHE SLEPT,
BY WHOM?????PAEDS SEEM TO BE THE BEST BET, SOME SORT OF RING
STOLEN TO ORDER FOR SOME DIRTY, BAD, EVIL MEN AND WOMEN
IT IS AWFULL,IT IS SICK AND IT IS JUST NOT RIGHT,

BUT ITS NOT JUST HER,IS IT?
IT IS MILLIONS OF KIDS ALL OVER THE WORLD

BUT THIS OUTPOURING GRIEF FROM A NATION,
FROM SUPERSTARS,
FROM BUSINESS MEN, FROM THE MEDIA
WHY???????????????????
TO MAKE THEM FEEL BETTER
THIS IS HAPPENING EVERYWHERE IN THIS WORLD
CHILDREN ALL OVER ARE BEING STOLE., USED, RAPED AND ABUSED
ITS HAPPENING WITH CHILDREN IN THERE OWN HOMES,
WITHIN THERE FAMILIES, ALL OVER THE WORLD,
IN YOUR STREET/NEIGHBOURHOOD, IN MINE

WHAT HAPPENS TO ALL THESE INNOCENT KIDS,
WHO IS HELPING THEM??
DO PEOPLE POUR ALL THERE ENERGY INTO THIS WEE GIRL
TO MAKE THEM FEEL BETTER, TO MAKE THEM FEEL EASIER ABOUT
NOT HELPING ALL THE OTHER KIDS IN THE WORLD.
PEOPLE STILL WONT ADMIT TO IT, THE SHAME OF IT,
DOES IT MAKE PEOPLE FEEL BETTER
ARE THEY DOING IT FOR THIS WEE GIRL?
OR ARE THEY DOING IT FOR THEM????????
DOES IT TAKE AWAY THERE GUILT THAT THEY DONT SEE THE SUFFERING ALL AROUND
OR IS IT BECAUSE THIS GIRL WAS STOLEN, FROM A HOLIDAY,
HER PARENTS ARE WELL TO DO
IS THAT WHY THEY CARE???????
DO THEY SEE THEMSELVES LIKE THESE PARENTS?
I DONT !!

I WONDER AT THIS A LOT
IM AS HOPEFULL AS THE NEXT PERSON THAT THEY FIND THIS WEE GIRL
AND QUICKLY WHILE THE PAIN CAN BE UNDONE AND THE HURT TAKEN AWAY
BUT I AINT GONNA WEAR A YELLOW RIBBON, WHY WOULD I DO THAT?
IT AINT GONNA BRING HER BACK ANY QUICKER, PEOPLE KNOW WHERE SHE IS,
SOMEONE SOMEWHERE KNOWS SOMETHING, AND ME WEARING A RIBBON OR A T-SHIRT OR HAVING A POSTER IN MY WINDOW AINT GONNA PERSUADE THEM...
WOULD IT JUST MAKE ME FEEL BETTER.......
IS IT JUST MAKING THESE PEOPLE FEEL GOOD??
WHAT A FUCKED UP WORLD THIS IS

another week.....

As one week ends...another begins.
Why does it always have to happen this way?
A wee break in between would be good, Or is that the weekend
What is a weekend?
I HATE WEEKENDS
I hate saturdays, sundays and monday mornings,
then it looks up again and boom, we are nearly at friday again..
So annoying that is.....

My head is still a bit fried just now, but then it is monday so its allowed
Though any day and every day my head is a bit fried anyway
I dont know what to say or do anymore,
Things are really confusing me and i cant get my tiny brain cells round it
I know where I am just now, in my surviving as such,
Im between the rock and the hard place, the ocean and the sea........
(yep im the one drowning)
Not very good,

Im just trying to unfangle it all in my head,
Or sort out the already unfangled mess...
But it is never that easy.
Im tired of always being tired, Im sick of always being scared,
Ive had enough of feeling like this all the time, of feeling despair,
Everything is very raw and new and here and now and its not good,

Im reading things, writing things, thinking things and not saying AGAIN
Some of what i read angers me, some confuses me, some just has no effect,.
Ive emptied all the boxes now,as far as i know its all out now, no more needs to be shared,
No more bad secrets to be kept to myself
I just need to talk them through, find out how i feel about the contents,or be told how wrong i am as i know how i feel just now, but i also know that i need that to change and it can change, allegedly
File and fuck them out!!!! No point storing them as im hoping once they are filed they can be gone
and if i really need to go back again, im sure enough will be a memory that i can look to,
in comparison to a memory that haunts me,
Thats the theory, thats what the books would say, so time to put that into practice
I think i am doing that anyway, sort of, who knows??
Im just confused, as i said b4,
Im just glad there are things on all around me, kids, hubbie, etc.. or i would prob. stop functioning all together, now that would be easier....
and easy aint always good, easy aint always best and it aint always as easy as you think, but easy is still the esasier option, but as my sister says "I do everything the hard way," so maybe easy just aint for me.,

.....................................

Well im gonna say it again, I am knackered, infact i think my eyes might close anyminute now, if only i could let them and didnt have lots to do,
my tooth and jaw is agony still i need to try and stop grinding my teeth, im just so not aware i do it, like when im scrathching, im not aware i am till ive been at it for ages, so bloody annoying
Who knows what im going to do, we are a week on from when i hit rock bottom and i dont feel that much better .
I dont feel worse, so i suppose that is something,
The f.b are still here, they are still annoying the hell out of me and scaring the life out of me and i grind my teeth more, so my jaw and tooth are sorer, a viscous bloody circle,

I dont know how im gonna get through now to bed time as im exhausted, i really need to sleep and sleep soon, tonight i will have the earliest possible night,
sleep is for the weak though is it not? if you lose control of when you sleep and when you dont, do you have control of anything anymore?
if only you could control around you, or the dreams when you were asleep then you would be in control of sleep and sleep would be good,
Its been a strange week and not one id want to repeat in a hurry but at least it is nearly over and a new week, another start, the countodwn to another date, another anniversary, another big event, will i start to worry now, maybe ill waite til tomorrow and have a worryfree day today,
Whats the chances of that happening??Too much thinking time, yet it goes so fast and i never feel like im thinking im just away..
Im defo spending more time numb and away than i am feeling and here just now, that is for sure, i cant believe how quickly a day is going, or a night, or a few days, it is weird, it is scarey....
My eyes are nearly shuting here, time for some coke i think, wake me up(the drinking kind not the other, god i wish,)
think ill steal the kids dreamcatcher, believe like i tell number one child and see if i get a good sleep, wish i knew were my dream catcher went too......i have my suspicions..

My god post 24 already...........

I cant believe ive made it to post 24, wow, how much shite can i rattle on about that i have 24 posts, whoooopppppsssssss
Well its Tuesday., cant quite believe it is tuesday already, but yep it is!!
the 15th may, 2007, a monumental day???
Prob. not, just another day in hell.
im still so bloody tired, i tell you they dont tell you it will be this hard when you start
and if id thought for one minute it would have been as hard, would i have done it? probably not
am i glad i have, maybe, maybe will be more when it is over, will i ever reach an end?
Hoepfully....what will that end bring,? am i doing alright?god only knows. a clue would be good, god!!!!!
I am hopefull and if nothing else this is a good thing,
as yesterday i had less hope, the day before even less, so progress,
I feel physically sick right now, and it aint good, im forcing food to go in, as i know i need to eat but i feel like im gonna throw up everywhere,
Ive got pains, n aches and i feel kinda spaced out,
In fact i feel about how i did when i was 4, and i dont like it,
I dont like it one little bit.
Im not only living this in my head right now, but with my ears, my eyes, my taste, my sense of smell,.my feelings, the pain, emotianally and physically, the confusion, the fear,
Weird......very very weird..... i know who i am, if i remind myself enough, but other times, i cant remind as im getting so lost in it,
Im getting pissed off as im losing whole days now, not just part of the day,
Never mind i know today is tuesday,. so it aint all lost.....
for now.x.x

im getting writers cramp!!!!!!!

Dont think ive ever written so much on here and else where as much as i have these last few days,
My head is still all over the place, im in a place that i dont like, a place that is scaring me so much, a place i cant stay in for much longer, a place i dont know how to escape from,
I lost it thursday/friday and im glad im here right now, just wish i wasnt in this place,but tomorrow is tuesday, so god knows where ill be then,
Ive to wing it to wednesday(if i can) but that seems like so long away,ill feel lucky if i wing it to tea time tonight,
I think its finally all out now, theres no more else to tell, so ive done it all,
is it time to go to hell,
Or can i work it out now, discuss it, sort it and bin it,
that sounds so easy doesnt it, if only it was that easy, if only, then i wouldnt be so scared about it,
I dont want to die, its not an urge i have that i want, like wanting an ice cream or wanting new shoes, it feels more like no choice, like council tax, we dont want to pay it but we have no choice, I want nothing more than to fulfill my life, experience a life without all this, but im scared, im full of fear like ive not felt for so so long,
Is that what they mean by "crisis" am I officially at crisis point/breaking point,
Ive been near here before, i thought i was here, till i got here and realised, this is worse than anything ive experienced before,
My every thought is taking over, EVERY thought,
I dont want to lose out to this now, i truley dont, but i cant see anydifferent
I cant see it getting better,
Maybe by discussing the feelings i have about it, i had then, i feel so real now, will that help?
I dont want to do that now, not here and not now,
I fear, im full of fear, im scared, im really scared, i feel dirty and naughty and bad and sick and ugly and fat and dirty and awfull and stupid and used....
I feel like a whore, a slapper a sick bitch, I feel anger, hatred, sadness,
It feels real now, here and now, i fear he is here and i am small and im gonna get taken away for talking too much, or my mum n dad might die, and then what, they go to live in the sky and its all my fault,ill be left with no one because i couldnt keep a secret, i couldnt stop myself, because i was naughty and bad, they all suffer, its so not far,
Im so sorry but i had to do it,i had to tell. I had no choice, i thought my head was gonna explode, now i feel like my heart might, my head might and I might all explode,
I just need to try and get by, and try and be brave and be good and hope that im ok,
im so so sorry i know i shouldnt have told,i know you said this would happen, i just felt brave for a moment,

ohhh how true....

I remember staring at an ornament of three monkies like this,

OMG how true, nothing like reinforcing something, never thought of it like that before,

i feel a wee bit better....

My phone rang and with heavy heart i answered it
It was my sister, i was surprised and shocked,
She wanted to check i was ok, she wanted to let me know it was ok
she was scared id be thinking, "oh shit what have i done, does she hate me,
has she disowned me???"
God how true, well she hasnt, she was NO DIFFERENT than ever is on the phone
I now feel shocked, she must have believed me,
I cant quite believe it, I havent really slept since telling her on friday
i reckon she must have known this, so she has checked in,
She will phone next weekend again,
Oh im so pleased she knows now,
I have additional support,
Though ill not run to her all the time, I ll never tell her the details,
She doesnt need to hurt, but i can look at her now and she can look back
and ill know we know, i wont feel so alone in the family anymore
I wont feel as though im different and they dont know as she will know
so at least someone will
Hubbie has been great, has praised me for telling her and has been gently
Think i looked THAT BAD these last two days
So im getting better today in comparison to the last two,
On a bigger scale of things, i aint all that good,
But on the small scale of yesterday,friday,even earlier today, I feel BETTER

Maybe one day ill feel GOOD, wow now that would be worth writing home about,

Im having an emotianal hangover........

Im hungover,
Head sore,
Feel numb,
confused,
dazed and full of dread
It aint alcohol induced,
Its an emotianal hangover
No excuse...
Ive been walking into things,
Forgetting who i am
Where i am, what age i am
I feel tired, sick, heavey head
I dont want to climb out my comfy bed,
I want to pull the covers over me and hide
I want to jump in a car for an eternal ride

I want to go back and change what ive said
Why???didnt i listen to the things in my head...
Dont tell on me, dont make me bad(i can hear)
I loved you, cherished you thought you were glad
I love you too, I answer with no fear
But can you even really hear,
I know he was bad and you were good,
Maybe you were nicer to make it not so rude
Did you think your gentleness made up for the wrong?
I wish you knew how very wrong......

I love you with all my heart,
Im gratefull for the love i was given on your part,
I know you lived a life of fear,
I didnt know then, but now it is easier to hear.
But you told me i was your number one
What made you think it was fun....
It wasnt fun, it was a lesson, i think
Or were you just to far gone on the drink???

Probably
I used to bath you, feed you, dress you for bed,
Like you were a child, not an adult near dead,
It was always drink, wasnt it, i was never me,
You know you took over everything in my head,
But i love you still and im sorry for what ive done,
I never meant to tell on you, or make you hurt

I dont know why i said it, i always swore i wouldnt
I know you were showing me that it didnt need to be sore
Or bad, you always knew, how fuckin sad
I protected you for ever and a day
But now its time for me to say

Im sorry "@=-* for putting you down, I know im your number one
I know i make you proud, I miss you every day that you are not in my life
Im a mother of two kids now and a caring wife,
How proud of me would you be,
Maybe you were right you showed me love could be gentle caring and true
And for that ill always love you
But you done it wrong, thankgod i know
For i show my babies love the way YOU NEVER
I show my kids that they are clever,
That they are loved, that they are safe and that there bodies are a temple
Maybe you tried to do this and didnt know how to?
It was never as sore or scarey with you,
Just screwed me up that wee bit more,
Because FUCK SAKEam i not worth more,
I know the hurt you had in your eyes,
I told you i loved you before you died,
I just pray you went in peace and dont worry ill be there to look after you again
Some day soon, just come and get me when you need me,
love ya and always will,
i dont blame you, you just didnt know
x.x.x.x

O.M.F.G what have i done!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Oh my fuckin God,
It is official, I've completely lost the plot,,......totally and utterly lost it BIG TIME
been to see the psychologist, what would i do?prob, nothing write as always, ohhh im soooo thick.,
Why is she so fuckn nice to me, I don't deserve niceties, I don't deserve compassion
I don't know what i deserve but it aint fuckin good,
But OMG, yep Oh My God it gets so so so so so so so so so so so damn worse,

THIS BASTARD WILL NOT GET THE BETTER OF ME,
THIS BASTARD WILL NOT MAKE ME SUFFER AND HE/THEY WILL NOT EVER NEVER EVER LET MY GIRLS SUFFER
and the only way this can be assured is if i am watching over there every fuckin move,
EVERY ONE OF THEM

But it gets worse,
How stupid of me, no not stupid, how needy of me, how naive, how brave, WHICH?????
I HAVE DONE IT..............................................
Ive told my sister, and the worst part she was not surprised, she saw the convo. coming,
OH MY FUCK, what have i done, i had no intention of telling,i phoned as i needed some comfort my head was all over the place, my head is all over the place, and it aint me, she usually says "how you" i say "yeah OK and you" not tonight, SHIT SHIT SHIT...... but i had too, i had to gage her reaction, I had to know if she believed me, and she didn't give me any reason to think she didn't
she was supportive, she was hell bent on making sure i knew what i had to live for, and she told me she had suspected for a while, she told me she will never tell anyone and the next time she sees me, i asked for a cuddle her reply: "her cuddles are free"
FUCK
FUCK FUCK FUCK
ever which a whole day could disappear.....
what have i done, i ve trusted more than i should maybe, more than i want maybe but i need to now, i need to know if there is a point hanging on,
so if mum or dad chap the door knowing and she has betrayed my trust then it is curtains...goodbye,god bless etc.. etc...
If they don't, and i think they wont, then in one day Ive found two women to trust and two women that actually care,
And women number one(as im sure you will read this at some point) im sorry,it aint you i hate, it aint you im angry at, it aint you i want to hurt, but hey you know that and you know that too well, im panicking that you might still be looking for your car, haha..... i have worried about you getting back to that bloody car for too many hours to count now, 5hours, makes a change i suppose....i can worry about you, not you bout me(ohh is that allowed...only jessing), ive had big cuddles from darling husband, though threats too as he insinuated he was telling my folks and why not!!!!!
Well i could answer that,curtains, aurevoir etc.. etc... but i dont think he will.
I dont think i really want to die, im just SCARED to live and the plans are still there, though maybe i should put them on the back burner for now, lets see what Tuesday brings, or what tomorrow brings first.....shit, again.....
Im hurting so much just now and here goes again but all i want is to cry and a cuddle,
FUCKIN HELL i didnt think it would be so hard to get or to accomplish,
I know that i cant get it from the psych(she dont get paid enough to cuddle this used piece of shit meat, thats for sure, that fuckin line would be crossed again.) the h.v (well it aint in her job description either) the family(why would they want to cuddle a used up piece of good for nothing scum) and me, well i cant cuddle myself as much as i wish i could, the only ones that would do it, get paid too much not too, the only ones who can, care to less too,
Self harming is the way to go, if all else fails get a knife and scratch, cut and do what you can, i was doing so well i have faint scars for the first time in years when i go to sleep tonight ill be bleeding again and ill feel better for it,or ill feel cheated or ill feel stupid, but at least ill feel
If i go to sleep tonight,Will i go to sleep tonight, do i deserve rest from this living hell???
Do i deserve peace from despair,
(I HATE WHAT HE HAS DONE TOO ME FOR THE FIRST TIME EVER, BUT AS ALWAYS, I HATE ME FOR LETTING IT)and when i can feel just hate for them and love or like or even not hate for me, then im at the half way of this fuckin journey,.,,...
Am i getting there though, ive never admitted to hating, SHIT what am I doing, what will happen to me now,
IM SO SCREWED UP....... IM NOT A HATER HONEST
I dont mean to hate, and i love you really, so please dont punish me and please dont hurt me anymore, i shouldnt have blasphemy(sp) your name, im so so sorry, but i need to feel some hate
OH GOD WHAT AM I DOING SO WRONG
Im trusting people that i can hold on, but why should i trust, ive trusted before and hence why am here,
I just cant believe

WOW ITS BEEN HARD

I feel now that im just at the start, Im feeling like i have a long race to run ahead of me!!!!!!!

I never ever thought it could be so hard without a PC,

I never ever thought i could be so dependent on one piece of machinery

Seems i couldnt have been so wrong,

My PC gave up the ghost a fortnight ago,

2 WEEKS OF NO PC,

No chatting on msn, or with other friends and worse of all

NO BLOG AND NO MUSIC

Over the past wee while the only thing keeping me going was

this blog and probably more importantly my music....

Music can help you escape from the world, to your own world.

It can help you pretend you are not where you are

And more so, it can help you put words to your feeling,

This blog is a lifesaver as it is open to all my thoughts(well nearly)

And it is non-discriminatory......so i can say what i need to without judging,

Never a bad thing........

Me myself have been hell this last fortnight, Ive been sleeping, SHOCK HORROR

but feel no better for it, I feel hazy....then nothing, empty, light, i don't know hard to describe,

I'm still getting the worst f-b and slowly the pieces of the jigsaw are slotting together,

But the finish picture, aint good, aint nice and defo aint what i expected,

Maybe the mind keeps the worse till last to prepare, I always thought "this is the worst it can get" how wrong could i be, how stupid am I, I should have known, Ive always known really,

But i should have known and admitted it to myself......

Enough said for now, as my head is all over the place and my stress levels are through the roof so im not even sure what im writing.......

its just good to get back,, pheewwwwwwwww