the diary of a survivor in the making

2012-01-08T23:10:00.000Z

couldnt do xmas card this year so ive done a new year one instead,
you prob dont even read this anymore adn dont give a fuck
but i had to write this,
i have my blanket, im safe just now,
im going to get some pics of girls then ill forward your card,
i couldnt reply to your last letter as it killed me to the core,
but then im sure we both knew that,
what have i done so wrong that im still stuck here,
the sad thingis you are the only one that can help,i know that but your gone now
M is brilliant, but she doesnt get me like you did, im sure she is gonna give up on me soon,
i pray im wrong but i feel it, my girls willmake you so proud, i know that, i will makeyou ashamed as im a mess,
if you are reading this, then you know who its meant for, get in that time machine, grab some jelly tots n come get me please,x,x,x,x Ill never know if you have read this think thats worse, but i had to write it,i had to whilei still had time, x,x,x

i really im trying i promise i am

2012-01-07T20:14:00.000Z

but what is the fuckin point, my girls, deserve better
my husband deserves better
what tramp and whore would give it away like i did,
i hate this memory,
i hate the feeling of my skin crawling
of the touch
the smell,
the fear,
hate it all
i just want it over now, no more painting a smile, ive set a date in my head, its a nonsignafacance date for everyone i know and if its no better by then then i apoligise in advance to the stranraer train driver,itwas/is nothing against you, its just me,

this shouldnt be this way

2011-10-18T11:43:00.000+01:00

things shouldnt still feel this bad,
they shouldnt be as bad as this,
this is horriffic,
i feel sick
i want to die, but i want to live
i just want to live and be alive,
i have the greatest gift from god in my children
people think im selfish,
im not selfish
i dont want to leave them, i just dont want to be with them like this
i want to cry, but i cant do that,

things are getting darker and harder, WHY IS THIS
i want to be happy, i dont wake in the morning and say, lets feel shit again,
think people need toget that thought through there head
i dont WANT NOR TRY to feel like this,

my kids are walking on egg shells, my husband just looks at me now like he has had enough
how the fuck do they all think i feel,
i dont want to want to die
i dont want all these people in and out our life

i wish i had a wand, i cant trust anyone anymore,
think people have had enough of me,
i just want to feel better, i just want to becuddled to sleep,
and to sleep for a day, i want to cry, i want to die,
but i need to live,

help me

2011-08-14T23:54:00.000+01:00

please someone help me
im all set to run, dont know where to go or when to stop,
they are all tucked up in bed, unaware,
i dont know what to do or how to get there

please someone help me,

just

2011-08-07T04:06:00.002+01:00

im just holding on by the skin on my teeth and no more
im just holding on to save all the grief and no more,
i can t think of anything else but dying
i cant bear the thought of my girls crying,
but i cant bear the idea of my screwing them up either
im stuck in a life i can not live
being a wife i can not be
having thoughts i dont want to have
seeing images i dont want to see
i need this to be over now,
i thought it was
i need this to be over now
i pray to god,
please help me, please, please help me

fuck

2011-07-28T00:03:00.000+01:00

whats happening, this is all a mess,
i cant stay where i am,
i cant stop going where i dont want to,
i just want to sleep ffs
music thumping, feet all over the place and biting my lip, gum etc all still happening
my feet are so so sore with rubbing them together,
i think this is it,
i wonder
who fkn knows
but this is not good, somewhat mental, feel like everything is going 100mph,
i feel the adrenilin move under my skin
music is all i need
i dont really care
is this really as good as it gets,
lets see what tomoro brings, its at least worth that,
its wednesday its allowed i think,
why do i feel five, i dont wanna feel so young anymore, i want my big people eyes, please,

thankyou

2011-07-27T21:04:00.000+01:00

just went into somewhere i had no need to be, somewhere i had no thought of, somewhere i was sure id looked a hundred times and found my blankie, my blanket, my invisible cloak, ive looked for it for nearly a year and im really finding it weird as to where it was and why it was there but never mindi have it the one time i need it more than ever ever before,
so whatever, however and whyever i went there thanks, i feel safe again and best of all i found it at 4 o clock today, how weird is that, only me knows why, but it feels so safe tonight now, hope it lasts til morning, please god

ooooffffffffffffffffffftttttttttttttt

2011-07-27T00:50:00.000+01:00

How did i get here,
How ever did i get back here,
Im sat at 12.40am with music thumping into my ears
i need to listen to the music to stop the thoughts racing,
music will give me something to concentrate on,
My stomach feels like im on a rollercoaster and i dont like it one little bit

Please please just go away and leave me alone,
i cant take much more of the noise, the frantic, scarey, horrid noise,
I cant cope much more with the things you say
please just go away
i thought it was getting better but you are defo here to stay

the music isnt working, the typing isnt working, my feet are all over the place

the wallls are coming in on me, i need to get out of here,
i dont know where to go, i dont know which path im meant to take

i wish you would just tell me, if you tell me ill listen
i promise ill listen, i always listen, you know i listen,

Im sorry for everything, im sorry for telling, ill never tell or talk anymore,
i promise i wont but please just leave me alone, i am scared and sore and feel sick and tired i need to sleep but i cant sleep what if you come back in, i want to know when to breath in, when to disapear, i dont want to have to disapear after you are here so i need to stay awake to see you, hear you, know you are coming to get me, im so so so sorry if i make you mad or sad, i dont want to or mean to ,

please just let me sleep andleave me alone, i need to be left alone for one night, for everynight,
i need to turn the music up, as the thoughts are still racing, the thinking is still there,im tired, the music will get me through if nothing else, maybe if i open my eyes it will get easier then again maybe it wont, if i keep them closed i can switch some of it off but then im not grounding myself,my poor band has lost its ping,

Arghhhh

2010-12-11T23:36:00.000Z

I just want to feel happy
not sad
i want to feel gratefull
and glad
i want to feel something
inside
not just empty and wanna
hide

i hate this everyday
the feelings im scared to say
this wasmeant to be over
meant to be done,
but i cant end it, it cant be done
i want to scream and want to run
i want to hide i want to cry
please someone help me
i miss someone so good to me
and i need to prove i can do this for her now, not me,
i need to show her im all "cured"
but i cant when i dont feel pure

I hurt inside when i dont want to
i still see things that i cant deal with
for fuck sake ive had enough now
leave me alone you had your cut now

Am i asking to much to be normal
to be safe, to be loved to be normal
to take my kids out without feeling scared
to sit in an untidy house without feeling sick
seeing toys without freaking out
hearing noise without blocking out

i just wanna be normal for my kids
to love the like a mother should,
to let them make mistakes
to let them play and fight
to let them wear silly clothes,
nighties, sk0irts with no tights,
i cant look after them,
i cant do nothing right

im so so upset
so misunderstood
i cant take the put downs i hear or the ones in my head
im really really trying when all else is said
but im not doing best, not doing as i could
so maybe im not worth the doing i should
maybe im an arsehole and god is just telling
he made a mistake when he gave me my blessings

is this is a shift!!!!

2010-05-14T07:47:00.000+01:00

I really shouldnt be sitting on here just now as i should be getting ready to take my girls to school,
but i cant move today
something really strange has happened,
i think theres been a shift,
i think something inside me has changed,
but omg i dont know if i like it,
i want to stand up and scream and shout, i want to shout to the world what i went through
i want to punish every one of them,
when i next see one of them in town or at the shops i might well go up and tell him to watch his back, i feel brave or angry i dont know,
it scares me this new sense of whatever it is,
i want the world to know that these bastards violated everything i had,
i want the world to make sure they do it to no one else
i want to kill them, string them up and punish them first,
I wonder how much they would enjoy feeling like they were going to die daily,
i wonder how they would feel being raped, beaten and then blamed,
i wonder how they would feel being humilated
bathed and scrubbed as though i was dirty, how would you like that when you were sore and scared

FUCKIN BASTARDS NEED FUCKIN SHOT
AND I THINK IM READY TO DO THAT NOW
ive never felt the way i feel today and omg im scared, a voice inside is telling me im wrong, i was the bad one, not them, i need to stop thinking otherwise, i cant tell anyone or i might have to be sent away to live, but im sick of that voice, its never helped in the past so WHY LISTEN NOW

im so so so scared as the feeling in my stomache is like an urge to do something,
i nearly wrote on fbook ............ was raped and beaten by a gang of paedophiles while growing up many of whom where family members, but they dont rule me anymore and i am not ashamed,
but i changed my mind to .......... has lost her marbles as thats kinds how it feels to be feeling like this, maybe i have lost my marbles or maybe i have found them!!!

god only knows,

how can i feel this good sober!!!

2010-04-21T11:05:00.000+01:00

I really need to escape, to get drunk, to get waisted just to feel escape,
im not coping with the lack of escape
i cant drink, i cant get waisted because im carrying this baby,
but i really need to just escape it all for ten minutes, for 10hours, just for sometime

its nearly the summer,
i cant cope with the thought of the summer,
this summer will be my worse yet,
my worse one ever
i wont be getting beat up, hopefully, ;-0
but i will be losing the most important person in my recovery and i cant cope with that
i cant do it,
i cant do this without her i dont want to do this without her id rather just not do

the lighter the nights, the worst my mood,
the more i dream, the more i want to scream,
i want to harm myself, i want to kill myself
after four years of pretty intense therapy im still here stuck with this fuck
im still ashamed for letting him do to me what is just not normal
im still ashamed for all the times i actually felt something, something good, something nice
im still sick to the pitt to think about the things we done,

i look at my girls they are as young as i was, as i am, as i feel some times
and it is so not normal what i done, what he done to me, what we done as a "couple"
i wish now that when he put his hands round my throut and let me go that i too would have went and not fought,
why did i have to fight to live when this is all im living,
my life is over now, ive nothing left to give, nothing else to share, nothing else to do,
i just want to be free of you and thats not going to happen or it would have by now

what will people think of me when im not here, will it matter?
will the girls always be known as they girls whose mum killed herself, whose mum fooked off and left them to it, whose mum didnt care about them, when really its so so different i know that, how can no one else know it or see it, its because i love them i cant do this not because i dont,

maybe if i could escape for a day it would be better, if i could feel as good sober as i feel drunk then i could cope, if i could have that escape, if i could run away, if i could just sleep without dreaming,
dream without sleeping and live without HIM

why oh why

2010-03-04T12:47:00.000Z

im surrounded by people yet i feel so alone
i really really need to cry and let it all out
i need to get rid of this christmas flashback,
i just need to talk it through, cry, puke, whatever i might do,
i need to cry and be comforted, be cuddled and held and protected
i need to feel that there are people who care
i know there are, but i cant help feeling so alone

i cant shake the feelings that i want to escape
that i want to run, that i want to hide,that i want to commit suicide
i cant shake them off or let them go,
i think its a god send that my hubbie cant cope remarkable on his own
as if i knew deep down he would do the better job without me id be gone, but i really dont know

i have three gorgues kids, a home, a family that care, a husband what the fuck is wrong with me
why cant i just leave the past in the past, why can i not be happy, why do they still haunt me

i saw one of them in town last week again, he cant even look at me now,
i make him THAT sick, he cant even look at me
i bet i make lots of people sick,
im scared that people can all see me for a tart, a tramp, a slut a slapper,
people who love me are not helping, they dont tell me im doing well,
I really need to shake this feeling off as i cant cope for much longer with it,
i feel like ive went way back, i feel like im 6 or 7 sometimes 8 on a good day i might feel 13,
i want to feel 30 i want to feel like a mother, i want to smile and feel the smile inside,
not smile so others dont see what im really feeling,
i want the sick feeling in my stomache to go, i want the sick dreams in my head to go
i want the bastard thats dead to leave me, im sorry i shoudnt have said that,
but i need you to go now, i cant cope more or is that what you want, you want me to die so you have me all over again, so that you wil always have won,

why oh why do i need to prolong this agony, why oh why am i being made to suffer this
im not a bad person, if anything im a lot kinder than a lot i know,
why is life so fookin awfull
why do i need to go on,
i just want a sign that i can go, anything just so i will know

help me lord oh please help me

2010-02-03T13:38:00.000Z

i shouldnt be feeling this way
i shouldnt be feeling the way i am
i want to run away
i want to get away from him
i cant help feeling so shit,
i cant help feeling so crap
i just want someone to help me
to run and run and run
i really cant do this anymore
im just glad i fight these feelings
im glad im no longer his little whore

please just let me run away from this
please hold me and let me cry
please tell me i dont need to die
please help me scream so loud
that im hurt, im hurting, im not proud
he has killed all i am, all i have and all ill ever be
i just want someone to love me for me

im sick and tired of always being sick and tired

2010-02-01T21:30:00.002Z

Im so so tired and yet im not getting a good sleep,
im waking, dreaming and screaming
i hate it,
i hate it, i hate it so so much,

Im ready to finish the telling now, im ready to speak the words
all the words, make sure they are all vocalised then i need to try and move on
i need to try and understand,
i feel so dirty just now, its been so long since i felt this bad,
im sure i just feel exposed or something

i want to cry but i cant cry alone,
i want to talk but i dont want to annoy people
i want to run away but you cant always get what you want,
Im sad and scared of what he done,

Im forgetting everything i say and do,
i forget everything and that scares me too,
I want to go out alone, even just a walk,
and im scared to do that too
i shouldnt feel scared anymore but i do
i feel sick to the stomach when i see what we done,
when i dream, when i get flashbacks, memories, smells, tastes, touch
it all repulses me so much,
i dont know anymore what im meant to do
i am trying so so hard, i really am trying,

im just so sick and tired of it all,
i just want to cry and be cuddled and know it just so so one hundred percent was not my fault,
i dont think im evil or bAD
the thought of that makes me pretty sad,
but i must be, i must be or why why why?????????????????????????

i think its getting easier, then something fooks it up

2010-01-24T22:52:00.002Z

On the therapy front we are making some great progress,
the difference that has been pointed out to me receantly
between me now and me at the start of therapy are remarkable,
i can see it now its been shown to me and it amazes me
i know though its far from over
im sat here tonight, worried and feeling very naked and bare to the world
i dont know why, but i feel like everyone looking at me knows my past,
knows what i am and judges me for it,
I think this was made worse by the news that i was having another baby,
never ever before have i felt so dirty or so used as to think im having another baby,
people will think im a tart, a slapper and always "at it" when that couldnt be more wrong,
\im devastated that my coping mechanisms have been taking from me,
I cant cope without them but i have no choice,
so no more cutting, no more smoking and no more drinking,
how i will cope or manage i dont know
im struggling to sleep as the nightmares are taking over again,
i hate nightmares, they are the pits,
i hate having to live it through over and over,
i really dont want to do this for ever,
i couldnt cope with forever,
i just want never,

D-day one is over the best is yet to come

2009-12-29T22:40:00.003Z

My eyes are closing as i type,
but i need to typeand try and rid
then maybe the eyes will stay closed for at least some of the night
christmas is over, i survived, im here,
it was awfull yet why as i was surrounded by happiness,
happiness created by me,
yet all i felt inside was anger, hurt and saddness,
at times i had to just take myself away so as others could not see
at times i felt so alone so so alone, yet those who say they love me most were with me

new year is coming,
another one i cant do,
same reasons, same damn memories,
only i have pictures of that nght,
a constant reminder,
it was so so late and i was so so tired,
why am i doing the whole host thing,
maybe i cant run away from it anymore
so i will face it,

my eyes are closing yet the head is full
i know now its gonna be another night of hell
maybe if i can sort it in thenight, itll give me more to fight in the day
i cant believe another year is nearlt over, think this is the one that needs to count
this is the one that needs to count the most,
in many many ways, i swore this man couldnt have me once i was 30, so ive decided that gives me til the day before my 31 lol

i really feel such an urge to talk to people, to tell them my story, how fucked up is that, i know people look at me and think im stupid, or a junkie or thick or a bad mother or lazy and i know when i walk into nursery or school that is what is being thought, that scares me that just makes me less want to go, i knwo im not of these things, if i was i wouldnt have got as far as i have, i wouldnt have the stable home that i have, if you can call it stable with me init, i would be dead and would have given up long ago,
im a fighter and i need to fight,
i need to go to sleep now and sorry to say but pray i dont wake,natural would be acceptable, and if i do wake then its time i startred trying to exercise the past, tell who needstold, cry cry cry and be angry,
for now i need to give into sleep, give into dreams, and pray my screams are not loud to wake teh house,
i really wish i had a safe cuddle i have one blankie instead
help me god i really need to sleep, please watch over me and send mee nice wee dreams,

aint long left

2009-12-15T19:46:00.002Z

im sorry to say this but i dont think theres long left
long to find the light
long to find the fight
long to find the truth
long to take an outh

no more no more no more,
its not long left til i leave,
til i go
til the lord comes and takeths away
the lord giveth and the lord taketh away

ten days til i do the big red man,
then thats it, my time will come
im sorry for anyone who knows its real
im sorry im sorry im sorry its surreal
my head is away and my heart is empty
with all the filling its just not plenty,
im soiled
spoiled
hated being
why can i stay around for another,
i love my family, the ones im here with
but i cant love them more than i do just now
and do i need to lve them more to stick around and fill them with hate
i just want to cry,
i just want to scream
i want to love my kids enough to stay
i love my man more than i love the day
i love his life more than he needs a wife
i need to give them a break from me
do i run,
do i go and ask for respite
or do i igo forever,
someone please, someone somewhere help me know,
i just want a cuddle a cuddle itrs always that
im not dirty im not a tart

houston i think we have a problem

2009-11-29T19:47:00.002Z

WHEN I THINK ABOUT IT
I JUST CANT THINK ABOUT IT
I TRY TO DRINK ABOUT IT
I KEEP SPINNING

WHERE DID YOU GO
WHERE DID YOU GO
HOW DID YOU KNOW TO GET OUT OF A WORLD GONE MAD
HELP ME LET GO
OF THE CHAOS AROUND ME
THE DEVIL THAT HOUNDS ME
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME
CHILD BE STILL
CHILD BE STILL

THATS ALL I NEED BEFORE I FALL
(THANKS pink FOR PUTTING IT INTO WORDS A WAY I COULDNT

oh dear god please help me

2009-11-23T11:22:00.004Z

i really dont think i can do this anymore
i really dont think i can go on
i just want to run
i just want to hide
ive said it too much now that i dont think people believe me
will no one take me serious til im gone
will no one know i mean it till its all gone wrong

crying children
flashbacks
noise,
too much noise
confusion
my head cant take it all anymore
is it so so hard to understand where i am at
i cant understand where i am at
but then no one can or can they

i was doing so much better
what the fook is wrong with me
i was doing great, full of good ideas
full of plans
ful of the future
i cant shift the past, the present this life
so how the fook can i move on,

i need to scream, i need a cuddle
what am i doing so so wrong, why is it so bad now
i need help and i need it now
its all getting so so much harder,
i cant wimp out and take the easy route as ill leave three wee girls mummyless
but is that not better than psycho mum

i dont think i want to be a mum anymore
i dont think i want the responsibility it brings,
i want to go to sleep
i want help,
i want the phone to ring,
i want people to help me to make me better
to take this away
i put a smile on and let it go,
which is so stupid, so silly,
people need to know
how can anyone help me if they dont know
am so so tired, but i cant go to sleep,
if i go to sleep will i wake up,
if i dont wake up will it be so bad
my kids are lucky they have a good dad,
they have good family
they have a lot of people looking out for them

ohh i really dont want to be saying this shit
but i cant help it i cant get the shift
i want to run away, is that easier,
then maybe i could come back
i cant do this anymore
i cant do this anymore
i cant do this anymore

fucksake what have you done to me
YOU MONSTER

I DONT THINK I CAN GO ON MUCH MORE

2009-11-02T22:02:00.002Z

IM EXHAUSTED
I NEED TO SLEEP, I NEED TO SLEEP AND NOT DREAM
I NEED TO BREATH AND NOT THINK
I NEED TO BE LEFT ALONE AND NOT ANNOYED
I NEED TO BE CUDDLED AND NOT LEFT ALONE
I DONT KNOW WHAT I NEED

I NEED TO FEEL ANGRY AND PISSED AND RAGE
I NEED TO NOT FEEL BLAME
I NEED TO HIDE BE SAFE BE LOVED
IS THAT REALLY ALL THE SAME
I CANT STAND THE SMELL OF YOU THAT LINGERS
WHEN YOU HAVE BEEN GONE FOR FAR TOO LONG
BUT I SMELL YOU AND IT MAKES ME THINK
THEN FREAK THEN WANT TO RUN

I WANT TO RUN AWAY AND NEVER BE FOUND
I WANT TO RUN AWAY TIL IM BURIED IN THE GROUND
I WANT TO RUN AWAY TIL THE WORLD ENDS,

I AM SCARED OF THE THOUGHTS IN MY HEAD
IM SCARED HE IS TELLING ME I NEED TO BE DEAD
I WISH HE HAD KILLED ME WHEN I WAS FIVE
WHY THE FUCK DID HE LEAVE ME ALIVE
I WISH HE HAD KILLED ME AND LEFT ME ALONE
INSTEAD OF SAVING ME AND TORTURING ME MORE

I WANT TO CRY AND I CAN NOT,
I WANT TO SCREAM TO HOPE YOU ROTT
BUT AS PER USUAL I JUST SMILE ON
AND NO ONE CAN SEE THIS PAIN YOU HAVE DONE

I NEED HELP GOD
I NEED IT NOW
I CANT GO ON DOING THIS,
I CANT HURT NO MORE

I LOVE MY FAMILY
I LOVE MY LIFE
BUT I CANT BE A MOTHER,
NOR A WIFE,
WHEN IN MY DAY I STILL SEE ALL THE PAST
BUT IT FEELS SO REAL WITH EVERY FLASH,

I WANT TO DIE, TAKE THE COWARDS OUT,
BUT IM SCARED TO DO THAT NOW,

I NEED TO SLEEP AS MY EYES ARE SHUTTING,
PLEASE DONT VISIT ME TONIGHT IN MY DREAM OR OTHER,
AS I NNED SOME SLEEP WITHOUT CRYING FOR MY MOTHER,
I NEED TO BE LEFT TO SORT THIS OUT
BUT AT THE SAME TIME I NEED A WEE SHOUT,

HELP ME GOD AND LET ME BE
LET THE HURT BE LEFT ON ME
LET THE FUTURE, THE START TO BEGIN
PLEASE LEAVE MEAND BLOODY GIVE IN

IF THERE IS NO ONE TO HELP
IS THERE ANY POINT TO IT,
WHATS THE POINT OF DOING SOMETHING I CANT DO PROPERLY
ID BE BETTER OFF OUT OF THIS,
SOMEONE STOP THE WORLD FROM SPINNING I WANT TO GET OFF

my 150th post

2009-10-30T22:54:00.002Z

I cant quiet believe im been writing this long enough to get to so many posts,
The sad thing is ive not found the light at the end of the tunnel
im not a survivor yet
im still living this nightmare,

im fed up of feeling so scared,
im scared to feel any different,
I cant face the amount he has taken from me
but i cant spend forever looking for it,
as its getting me no where,

i can still see him, feel him and smell him
sometimes worse than others,
i can hear him but i can ignore him now
i think the mind and the brain are evil to put me through this,
i shake, feel fear and run when i see some of what i see

im getting to feel angry now,
i want to move away from self blame,
i need to move away from it, i know it makes sense
but its so hard when all i hear is what he says
what i was, what i am, what ive done, all my fun,
not the pain, not the fear, not the bleeding,
not the want to run away i dont hear that,

in my daughters eyes

2009-08-12T22:28:00.002+01:00

In my daughter's eyes I am a hero
I am strong and wise and I know no fear
But the truth is plain to see
she was sent to rescue me
I see who I wanna be
In my daughter's eyes
In my daughter's eyes everyone is equal
Darkness turns to light and theworld is at peace
This miracle God gave to me gives me
strength when I am weak
I find reason to believe In my daughter's eyes
And when she wraps her handaround my finger
Oh it puts a smile in my heart
Everything becomes a little clearerI realize what life is all about
It's hangin' on when your heart
has had enough
It's giving more when you feel like giving up
I've seen the light
It's in my daughter's eyes
In my daughter's eyes I can see the future
A reflection of who I am and what will be
Though she'll grow and someday leave
Maybe raise a family
When I'm gone I hope you see how happy
she made me
For I'll be thereIn my daughter's eyes

this song makes me cry happy tears, sad tears and real tears,
i am exactly all i am for my girls,
i am holding on and no more and not giving into the urgies for my girls
to protect them, to watch them grow, to love them daily, to cuddle them, discipline them, educate them and be the best i can, yet never as much as they deserve
or i was to now
but now i think they would get on so much better without me holding them back
they have a fantastic dad who would do anything for them,
he struggles with the tears and tantrums, who wouldnt but he would take them to nursery in hail, rain or even thunder,
he would give them the secure love that i so struggle with
he would be so much better on his own than with me pulling him down,
pulling them all down, maybe if i loved them as much as i thnk i do, id do it for them
im nothing without my girls but they would be everything without me

i just want to scream help me just now
and say all the things i couldnt say, im sad for wot i lost, wot was taken
i got so used this abuse it kinda feels like home_PINK)
im sad for how i feel, im sad for feeling a failure,
im angry for letting it go for so long,
im angry for feeling so sad, im angry for being so gulible
im sad for feeling so alone, i want someone to make it all just disapear,
i want someone to cuddle me protect me and let me be sad,
thats probably wot i would say, help me feel better ,help me cry and let me know its ok to cry

god i really need to sort out wtf im doing once and forall and just get it over and done with
i love my husband and girls so much it hurts, im nothing without them yet they will be everything without me

i need to remember to breath even for the next 12hours, then the next and just keep going
arghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
i wish i could scream

i really wish i could shake it off

2009-06-07T21:51:00.002+01:00

Im numb, i feel so so scared
Ive felt surreal, felt scared, felt like i wanted it over for real
its such an awfull, weird feeling,
how can you tell people who have invested so much that it was for nothing
that you want to die,
that you cant cope,
that you hate yourself
that you hate what you done
that you hate what they done
that you have had enough

Of numb, of fear, of hell of here,
hate the feeling deep down,
hate the life you are left with

ive tried to talk to people, ive tried to grab help,
yet they dont care, they dont care that life is over soon
they think i get help i need no more,
they avoid me, they ignore me, they just dont care,
why the fuck should i, i am worth nothing,
maybe people will know how hard it is
when its too late
they dont care that my every day is a nightmare,
if i sleep it is good, when im awake it is a nightmare,
what do i need to do,scream, shout or spell it out

ive been numb since wednesday, too many days
but i still try to be me in a daze,
ive told all i need to without the detail
but will that help or will that be lethal,
its time to move past this and into anger
the one person i trust will know how to help
will not be annoyed, will not shout, will let me be angry
will help me get it out,
if i cant be angry, i cant live no more,
as i cant be his little whore,
i cant be his princess, his bike, his thing to ride in the night,
i cant be his baby girl, his big girl, his play toy,
i cant be his anything anymore

does that make me bad, does that make me evil
i dont care anymore as i cant be HIS
i hate feeling this feeling that i feel
i hate believing the things he tells me
i hate being alive
i hate that i hate being alive,
i want to die, but i want to live
ohhh im so confused its hard
i hate that my life is all this,
when i have so much more
i hate that people dont get it,
how much i actually fight to be better
i didnt choose this,
i didnt help make it better, but i didnt choose it at the beginning,

suicidal or homicidal

2009-05-14T17:46:00.002+01:00

i just want to kill something inside me
if i could kill of the feelings, the thoughts, the voices, the hate the sad, the fear
then maybe i would want to live, but if i killed all that would i be alive anymore,

i would be nothing,
i know im not suicidal as yeah i want to die, yeah ive had enough,
but i want to live first thats all, i want it to all go away and let me live
so am i homicidal then??i want to kill my inner created self, the self created by evil doings, thats what i want to die, so thats what i want to kill not me, i cant die when i havent lived
but im scared to live when i have to live with this,

my head is full of it just now,
run, jump, die, guilt, fear, alone,
but its full of clinging on too

how

2009-05-05T20:43:00.002+01:00

could you!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

i was only 5, i was scared, i was shy,

you where my nightmare, my shame, i need to cry

i had learned so much from him by now,

but i still was scared, i still knew not to shout,

one was bad, two was worse, three was torture,

was that all i was worth

Wine n moan

2009-05-05T20:29:00.003+01:00

wine n moan,

wine n whinge

wine n cut

i just want someone to listen to me just now,

but im so scared to talk

ive drank wine to numb, for four days running

but its still there, still not talking

the flashback is killing me,

its terrorising me

its making me scared,

the shit in my head

has me running scared

ive cut ive harmed ive carved my leg

to see if that will work instead,

but i still need to talk

i still need to speak

i still need to get it out

i need to be cuddled

i need to be heard

is that allowed

i thought i had got it, mastered it, made the grade

i thought the world was conquered, my bed not made

but its here, its there, its all around

so maybe its true, it wont go, till its been made into sound,

my leg hurts where the knife has been

my head hurts from what its seen,

my eyes sting from the awake in the night,

my lifes over if i cant fight

im scared, im sad, im angry, im tired

im just having enough of this trying,

i want to talk but i cant ask,

i want the help but im dying

i cant see this flashback anymore

its time to show this bastard the door,

but its there, its constant, its scaring me so

that i just cant take anymore, i just dont know

sometimes i hide

2009-04-23T11:20:00.002+01:00

Sometimes i run,
Sometimes i hide,
Sometimes i cry
Sometimes i hide
Sometimes im scared
Sometimes im petrified
Sometimes im sad,
Sometimes im hurt
Sometimes i feel ok,
I want to feel ok more,
I want to never feel fear, hate, anger, disgust and hurt
the way i do today,
I cant face up to it just now,
I feel too too vulnerable,
Too scared, too sad, too angry, too dirty
I hate feeling dirty, I hate feeling ugly,
I hate feeling used, i hate feeling like a slag, slapper, etc...
I just want to run, run run run run
never look back, have some fun,
i just want to scream, scream, scream,
From my mouth, very loud,
I just want to yell, tell, shout and scream,
SO the whole world can see what i feel,

I want him to leave me alone, let me breath
Let me go out on my own,
Let me be "normal" let me be free,
I just want to be a mum to my three,

its all your fault

2009-04-07T12:14:00.002+01:00

I conjure up the thought of being gone
But I'd probably even do that wrong
I try to think about which way
Would I be able to and would I be afraid
Cause oh I'm bleeding out inside
Oh I don't even mind

I would never pull the trigger
But I've cried wolf a thousand times
I wish you couldFeel as bad as I do
I have lost my mind

Im finished crying wolf though now
Im finished thinking like that
From now on no one knows
I just do it,
I just get it over with,
I just finish it
Once and for all

I cant do the whole "smile" anymore,
I feel like people are going out there way to test me
To see if i will or wont,
Well no more testing,
No more thinking thoughts,
From now on its acting on thoughts,
If i want to harm, i can and i will
If i want to kill myself i will and i can,
What does it matter to anyone else,
WHat does it matter to me,
It doesnt anymore,
Ive tried so so hard, to smile, to pretend to get on
But in my dreams, at night, through the day,
You tell me the way to get rid,
Maybe i should listen,

I really dont want to die,
But i dont want to fight to live anymore,
I just want to cry without fear,
And do what i hear

im so tired i need to sleep

2009-03-29T13:25:00.002+01:00

Im so so tired,
I cant sleep just now for dreams,
Ive tried to sleep through the day for past few days but cant even do that
Im so so tired, that everything just seems an effort,

The flashbacks im getting are terror just now,
There are lots of people in them,
They are all taking part and i cant cope
i am scared sensless, just as i must have been
i try to remember im in the here and now but its so hard,
Im disgusted with the things i remember,
the detail i remember it in,
Im disgusted by the things i done, by the idea that closing my eyes made it better,
wasnt often i got to close my eyes but this time i did,
im horrified at the fact i didnt scream or punch
but i never did, did i??
I wish i had,
Why couldnt i have just screamed then, i cant scream now,
i want to scream now, but who do i scream at
ive punched a door, a wall and cut all in a few days,
why am i so angry??? i cant feel this angry, its wrong and its not allowed
I wish i could just run away, run away and forget it all,

IF YOU WANT THE RAINBOW

2009-03-25T19:35:00.004Z

u gotta put up with the rain,
i dont know why ive not been blogging of late,
as my life is shit, full or such sad and ache,
so i should be using this more than anything just now
think i thought that by this time in my journey the blog would be deleated,the world would have moved on by now
so its a bit strange, feels like a failing, but feels like such a good thing that ive got this far, such a double edged emotian,

i was staring at a poster today with this quote on it today from dolly parton and i was thinking how much rain should you have to put up with for that rainbow,
im not fussed for the pot of gold but some rainbow would be nice,

Things have been so difficult,
i feel so confused, so hurt, so angry and so stressed,
Im tired as the nightmares wake me, the flashbacks keep me awake
then the "little people" are up and its time to start over,

I really hoped by now there would be no more memories,
it would all be out and it would all be disgussed, i remember saying that they were all out years ago after i had disclosed a small bit, ohh how niave of me,

the new flashbacks are hell the old ones im coping with,
they are still there but i live with them now,
the new ones if i can get them out and open then maybe i can do the same with them
i feel sick to the stomach when i think about the shit still going round and round in my head,
i feel so sick when i think of the life i might have had

Ive came so far from where i was, but not far enough to where i need to be,
I know i can get there some day, i just need to get it all out and get it all sorted and then work out who i am??
i need to stop being loud and laughing and maybe people will know i need the help, they will see im not happy, they will see my pain and fear, they wont think im just doing great,.
Maybe i need to take some of the mask off, let me out

But then do they even need to see this,
I cant have people thinking im not strong, not in control, that im vulnerable and scared, that im fearful when i close my eyes at night, yet even more so when i open them in the morning,
i really dont know anymore, i didnt buy into this when i came into the world,
i wanted the daisy chains and picnics, not the oral sex and rape, i wanted to go to bed happy, not full of fear, i wanted to wake up happy, not sore and scared, i wanted to go on trips out, not too "group games" with lots of men, I want to go to sleep at night and wake in the morning without a feel of dread, i want to not wish i was dead, i want so much,
god i wanted my childhood, not to be used, made feel bad, made feel dirty, an object for them all, a toy, an add on, a sick part of there games,
what did i do so wrong, was i really so so naughty that i needed shown, was i really asking for it all the time, was i really evil,
AM i really not normall, am i lucky, am i special, am i ugly, am i bad for making it happen????
Which is it, i get it all in a daily basis so which one is it to be???
I wish i could just see!!!!!!!!

I want to hide forever, i want to be free,
Would people look at me with shame and disgust?? Was i really that bad??

Will anyone ever take it away, make it better, cuddle me, let me cry, wipe my tears??? or will it just always be this way, was this the hand i was dealt so the one i need to deal with
I really think im doing well, i just need to do better,
I can do this, I bloody will do it too,

another year

2009-01-04T03:01:00.002Z

well another year is over
and another one begins,
yet it seems same old here,
ive not slept when its been dark for a few weeks now
My head is pickled,
my head is in the shed
and its truly lost and hiding
Im waiting patiently in it all falling into place,
I just hope i dont miss it,

Flashbacks are so evil, so debilitating and so damn real
Im sure once i talk it all through, it will be easier
I hope once i talk it all trhough it will be easier

Its seem such a shame to start the year like this
feeling like this, thinking like this,
starting it with a heavy heart
though in a way its not a bad thing as
the only way can be up,
things can only get better
And i know it can,

I dont know wot to write to make it feel better
I dont know wot to say,
im stuck here for now, and for now i need to accept
Accept that hard work is needed on my part,
Accept that i cant change the past, just my views of it

i almost got there

2008-12-24T08:10:00.002Z

My survival pack is almost ready

2008-11-22T22:57:00.004Z

Its funny, some people pack there birth bag
others pack babygrows
the one thing im concentrating on is survival,
packing things that will get me through
packing things that will keep me there
packing things that will make sure i dare
I got a parcel today that is all packed away
it made me smile and laugh
i hope it does on the day
ill know im not alone so i suppose that will help

When its all over ill have one more reason to live
One more person to love
protect and shape into an independat person
A happy person,
Maybe thats why its happening again,
to show me i can

I need to get through this for my baby, for my babies
I need to concentrate on that
I need to remember its not like then
It might feel like it
My head might go there
But please god let it get back,
Let me do this, im trying so hard,

im so sad

2008-11-16T19:53:00.002Z

Again ive let myself down and kept things brewing
instead of writing,
So i find myself writing now, needs must i suppose
Time is going so fast now and im scared, I cant believe there is not long left
The fear i feel takes me back
the pain i feel takes me back
and im sad, im scared and im angry
I dont do angry very well so thats a hard thing to feel,
Im feeling it with all the wrong people and not the one i should feel it too
But im realising that, slowley but surely so thats better

Flashbacks are terrorising me day and night now, its funny how your mind works
I try to remind myself that im here and now and not there n then
but thats not easy,
ive been in my invisible blanket allday today, its been a while since i needed it for a full day,
even now im wrapped up hoping that everyone will go away and leave me,
how much security can one peace of cloth do???
But i just let myself believe im safe, im sure thats ok,
I need to think im safe, or i just cant go on
hopping that will head will turn off soon,
thats my ears will stop working,
that the screams i feel inside might come out
And maybe my day will be over,

The "stupid " thoughts are here again, thankgod its not just me anymore
I often wonder who decided they were stupid thoughts....
As to me, being free is not a stupid thought,
having no more pain is not a stupid thought,
hanging around and taking some more now thats a stupid thought,
makes you think, why is dying so wrong, yet living has to be right????

if by some freak accident i died tomoro, would people say i was stupid??
of course they wouldnt they would make sure my kids knew they were loved,
make sure my family where cared for and my kids would never blame themselves
they would grow up happy and secure as everyone arround would ensure that,
so why is it if i jumped off a roof or hung from a beam it would be a disgrace
my kids would be scarred, there life would be awfull etc etc
why do they both have to be so different, i just dont understand that,
especially when part of my reasoning would be for my kids,

Might go and cry some more, i feel all cried out yet with so much more crying to do, how strange, im crying for then, crying for now, crying for the last twenty five years of crying thats not been allowed,

An Update

2008-08-19T14:15:00.002+01:00

Its been so long since ive written
ive tried on many occasions but just cant find the words just now
Im still trying to get to the end
The light i can see now,
music to everyones ears,
Im scared to move on as much as im scared to stay here,
I can still see him, hear him and feel him daily
but i can do other things at the same time now
im surviving enough to get through the shopping,
the school run and the "painting a smile on"
im scared to admit how bad i still feel as i know it just disapoints
Im scared to admit that i still want to die,
that i still think im to blame
that i still want to run away
that i still want to scream
There is extra reason to try and try
I am having another baby, so i need to ensure that im "together"
i want no more than to have the most together kids
to do it so differently
so it gives me some fire in my heart
Its hard when they are not here to remind me to breath
when they are not in my vision to remind me who i am now
But they are in my heart and for that i need to fight,
its hard, i so underestamated how difficult life could be as a survivor
Being a victim was hard, feeling to blame is hard,
but the work involved in trying to survive is so so hard,
i try to remember that although its bad and its hard,
it can never be as sore, scarey and bad as it was when it was happening
but lets be honest, id rather be eating jelly tots than doing this!!!!!

Please

2008-07-09T11:13:00.002+01:00

Flashbacks, smells, images, dont tell
i see you do it,
i feel the pain
yet im told im ok now
its not the same
i laugh out loud
That its meant to be better
its harder its worse
its just not better

you hurt me daily
i smell your smell
i see your face
i hear you tell
i hate that youre with me

every day every night
why cant you leave me
why dont you go
and give me some hope
some time, no more

I hate the control that you still have
you must be happy and having a laugh
that im such a mess, such a wreck,
such a failure
but i cant get on with you saying it all
your in my head and you wont let go,
Its not fair what your doing to me,
Its been to long and i just want to be free

Free from the hurt
the pain and the shame
free to live, my life
my aims,
please,

it shouldnt be this way

2008-06-25T13:11:00.002+01:00

Things are getting harder and harder all they steps i took
All that journey i took
The hard work, to get better
To feel better and cope better
And now i feel like im back at square one,
I cant do it without the meds,
I cant do it when its not numbed at least a wee bit numbed would be nice,
I listen to the laughter and the playing
I want to reach out and join in,
I want to be a real mummy,
But i cant, i cant bear the pain,
And im not to blame, I know its not like then,
But i cant help thinking bad things happen when im happy,

Im hanging on by the skin of my teeth just now
It really shouldnt be as bad as this,
I should feel better than this,
But its all tumbling down around me
One moment i feel strong and ready to fight
The next i feel like im in the corner, scared and with fright,
I can not win, I never can
I dont know why i fight so hard sometimes,

More tests to come,
the worse one of all
then i spose it should only get easy,
Or easier, or even less destroctive would do,
As right now its the self destruct i could do
I cant take the noise anymore,
I just want it to stop, silence anything but this,

relationships are just so confusing

2008-06-20T07:54:00.003+01:00

Boy meets girl
You were my dream,my world
But i was blind
You cheated on me from behind
So on my own
I feel so all alone
Though I know it's true
I'm still in love with you

I need a miracle
I wanna be your girl
Give me a chance to see
That you are made for me
I need a miracle
Please let me be your girl
One day you'll see it can happen to me
I need a miracle
I wanna be your girl
Give me a chance to see
That you are made for me
I need a miracle
Please let me be your girl
One day you'll see it can happen to me
It can happen to me

Day and night
I'm always by your side
Cause I know for sure
My love is real my feelings pure
So take a try
No need to ask me why
Cause I know it's true
I'm still in love with you

I need a miracle...
I wanna be your girl
Give me a chance to see
That you are made for me
I need a miracle
Please let me be your girl
One day you'll see it can happen to me
I need a miracle
I wanna be your girl
Give me a chance to see
That you are made for me
I need a miracle
Please let me be your girl
One day you'll see it can happen to me
It can happen to me

this song just makes me cry just now,
can it happen to me,
do you love me,
can you be by my side

I still hear your voice, when you sleep next to me.
I still feel your touch in my dreams.
Forgive me my weakness, but I don't know why
Without you it's hard to survive.

'Cause everytime we touch, I get this feeling.
And everytime we kiss I swear I could fly.
Can't you feel my heart beat fast, I want this to last.
Need you by my side.
'Cause everytime we touch, I feel this static.
And everytime we kiss, I reach for the sky.
Can't you hear my heart beat so...
I can't let you go.
Want you in my life.

Your arms are my castle, your heart is my sky.
They wipe away tears that I cry.
The good and the bad times, we've been through them all.
You make me rise when I fall.

'Cause everytime we touch, I get this feeling.
And everytime we kiss I swear I could fly.
Can't you feel my heart beat fast, I want this to last.
Need you by my side.
'Cause everytime we touch, I feel this static.
And everytime we kiss, I reach for the sky.
Can't you hear my heart beat so...
I can't let you go.
Want you in my life.

though thats one is worse,
as i just dont know anymore,
how can love hurt, how can it be so confussing
how can you love me then hate me
i dont know anymore wot i need and wot i want

can you cry til your tears are dry???

2008-06-05T11:52:00.002+01:00

I dont think i can take much more,
im thinking of leaving and seeing how it goes without me
to see how it will go if im definetly not here,
Im thinking if i can see them all coping i can know they will
i cant stop crying
im letting everyone down round about me
i feel like im failing the world even though im trying so hard not too,
i feel like im letting everyone down by being a burden and being around
i watched the world tumble down, not everyones world
but it was mine, i watched it over and over again
and i dont think i can watch it again
what do i have left now to prove to me it was real,
To prove to others too,
I have nothing, just my word
And i know that people wouldnt care for that
So thats the last, ive got no chance of proving it right

I wanted to go there, for one last look,
to win the battle that ive always took
To see how tall i am in the spaces there,
To feel less scared walking up the stairs
To smell the smells that time would have changed
To put new thoughts of it into my brain
But like everything else I failed to do
I couldnt go there, i ran out of time
And now its no more, i cant ever win the control
In my head, in my dreams, in my waking moment
The place will win everytime
As like everything else i lost the control

I want to go on but change so much
But its better to hurt one than many
So its better that i feel pain than any one else
No matter what i think its not worth the fight
As im bringing them down and making them sick
Sick of fighting and sick of me,
Sick of having a strop, a psycho, an idiot, just me
It was meant to get better but its not at all,
So i cant think what else i can do so wrong,
I feel the world stare and judge
And they wont do that if im no more,
They might just help them all some more,

God give me strength and show me the path
That i need to take for everyone else
It cant be about me
Not to start
its gotta be about the people that matter
Its the sadest thing ive ever realised
thats im screwing up my nearest and dearest,
But when mum makes you scared when she shouts and balls
And angers dad so much he explodes,
then whats the point of her being around
When mums are meant to help not hinder
A mum will do anything in the world
To make sure there child has the best
So maybe its time for this mum to rest,

dreams are nightmares, and nightmares are no dreams

2008-05-26T10:07:00.002+01:00

Im not really doing well
Im sleeping, then im dreaming, im dreaming the worst
so i wake, when i wake there still there,
i cant be happy,
i cant get on with silly wee tasks,
Im stuck in a rut,
Ive nearly finished my talking,
there isnt much i havent disclosed
so should i feel like this
i thought it got better
yet right now its worse
i want to run away and hide
i want to just run and run where i cant be found
but there will always be them, i cant run from them
they seem to find me
i cant hide when they are a part of me
this next few weeks are going to be hard
i know that more than ive ever known anything
i cant imagine for a minute how im gonna get through it
its alright for others to say to make my own memories
to do my own thing, to make them happy
i dont know how to do that,
i dont know how to stop them taking over my every thought
i feel when im out that everyone knows and they look at me with such disgust
i cant blame them, though sometimes i wish they would understand
i didnt know what was happening, i was not aware,
so surely people cant blame me,
i wish they wouldnt
i dont want to blame me anymore, but the other choice is to scarey
so i might run,
i want to be happy, feel happy, not fear, not dirt, i want to do something with my life
i dont want them to end it, but its so close now, and events in the next seven days will make or break me, they will be the final nail in the coffin or the final string to pull me up and get me on,
im so so so scared, i felt calm now i feel fear,
i wish it didnt have to be like this, but im losing any control i did have

what a mess!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

2008-05-19T14:49:00.002+01:00

I think its time i gave up
i think theres only so many times i can ask for help
And get no where,
there has to be a reason for that
there has to be

there are people consistently there, who help
and thankgod for them
but today i went to the drs for anti-depressants
to me that shows i want to get better
the ones i were on are no longer suitable
so i stopped
im dizzy, sick, low, tearfull, angry and yep
suicidal
so i thought id go to the drs and sort it out
what did i get NOTHING
no anti depressants, ive to go to my own gp
who i cant get an appointment with
then they phone and say ive to ask the m.h.t
for an appointment for anti-depressants

In this country where junkies get methadone,
FREE OF CHARGE
Alcoholics get more money for alcohol
FROM THE GOVERNMENT
And i am denied an anti depressant
A tablet that will help me live
without which i can not live and will not live
Ive told my family to sue the nhs when i commit suicide
as ive asked for help

to say im disgusted would be a true description
though to say im hurt would be a truer one
I feel like the powers that be are telling me
im not worth an anti-depressant
they couldnt care if i commited suicide
they have given up on me
so why should i keep going,
im trying so so hard and fighting each day to live
yet im left fighting all the harder as i cant even get a happy pill
now more than ever ive to try and not self medicate
how can i not self medicate when they wont even medicate me
Its just an absouloute mess and one that will come to an end one way or another
maybe its a test, maybe they want to see wot i will do,
or maybe they truley dont care and thats one less script to write
one less script to fund, one less number to accomadate,
whatever it is they just didnt need to do it to me just now
im not strong enough for this just now,
im not strong enough for any of it,
how can i possible fight, when i have no fuel left to fight with
when im sick,sore and hurting,
why is this all happening now, what is the reason for it now
why should i even try to fight, when no one else is fighting for me,

trapped

2008-04-23T08:23:00.002+01:00

god i feel so so trapped
like ive never felt so trapped
im here for the taking now
i feel scared to go out
the panic is getting worse
i feel fear to sleep
the dreaming
i am his whore
i cant help it
ive proved to the world now
i cant believe what a mess it is now
i want to be happy
but thats a way way off
its a long long long way
ive just got such a bad feeling about everything
im trapped just a little more
i struggle as it is
i struggle daily
i feel guilty
i feel cheap
i feel dirty
i feel so so scared
this is just such a mess
its going to be such a long way to happy
i just never got how long til this last week
things are sent to test me
but me and tests have just had it this week
or is it a way of keeping me safe
i dont know

why

2008-04-16T18:15:00.002+01:00

its funny when you realise how much someone means to you
its funny, but not funny haha
ive cried and puked all the way home,
ive never been as much a state as i am now
i havent even went for my cuppa,
im crying hysterical in my room
like ive never cried
im a mess
he knows it
you know it
ive never been as hurt as i am now
because ive never hurt
the worst feeling in the world is hurting people
letting them down
and thats wot i done
its not your fault that she is leaving
its not your fault that my mum hates me
its not your fault that your not my mum
but im so so sorry
i never meant to hurt,
i said wot i did last week through fear
please dont hate me
ive left today feeling that
you either dont believe
or think they were right and i deserved it all
or you dont like me
and out of all of them the last is probably the worst
i know i shouldnt care wot you think
but two years, my daughter was 2, and we met when i was pregnant
you are really the only one who truley cared and today i showed you why you shouldnt
i showed you i wasnt nice
not to hurt you
just so you can hate me like A does
im crying and its hurting more than it ever should,
im so so sorry
please dont hate me, please dont,
im so so sorry, you scared me today and i realised that you were human like me
you wont like me unconditionaly and i need to get to grips with that
i had my self all worked up for an attack today, is that not how it happens???
please dont hate me, please

just a note for you from me

2008-04-05T18:13:00.001+01:00

J, just a not for you from me

Its all a mess
and its all so scarey
but at least im here im fighting though wary
i wont let you down, i wont give up
i wont make you regret, i wont make you hurt
i am your rising star and ill keep on rising
til ive got to the end then i start my shining,
we will get there J you and me,
we can do this, we need to do this,
I will make you proud I promise,x,

Im brave but im chicken sh""t

2008-04-05T17:57:00.002+01:00

I cant stop the panic
it feels like my chest is going to cave in
im counting my breathing
in and out and thinking about each breath
things have become clearer of wot went on
i dont know that i was even meant to be there
god was i even meant to know
I dont think i was meant to see,
Or meant to be aware,
So how is that wrong
So why did i even think like that
Did i hope it had been more,
Of course i didnt
Did i really think that others were involved
I dont think i did,
I always knew it was confused and muddled
And my head was playing tricks
So why did i not just waite til
I knew for sure
Or would i never have known for sure
If i hadnt spoke
Why could i betray like that
Ive thought of nothing more,
And its so much clearer now that im letting me think
Ive been physically sick with the realisation in my head
That I shouldnt have been, or seen or saw
I shouldnt have hid behind that door,
I shouldnt have feared him for his looks,
I should have known that he was all good
How can your head not let it be clear
Til you think the worse when there was nothing to fear,

The panic im having
is so so bad
the feeling in my heart
Is so so sad
The loss that im feeling
For twenty eight year
Is worse than the hate,
the hurt and the fear
Its gonna be the longest
two weeks that ive ever been through
But ill just have to cope
to get on and get through
I can sort some out on monday so that good
But then im stuck much longer after

Im tired but im restless

2008-04-04T20:04:00.002+01:00

I cant get the shit that im in out my head
Ive been angry for days now
Angry with lots of people
For lots of things
Im taking control and some might not like it
But i cant go on feeling i have no rights
I do have rights as does every human
My inability to say what i want to say
leaves me being accused
I was accused of manipulating today
I WAS NOT
I was angry, i didnt want an answer or a lecture
I didnt want my failings pointed out
I wanted support
Roll on next month as at the rate things are going
The things promised will be taking away
I dont understand the huge concern
I dont know why people need to talk about me
I am capable of when needed asking for what i need
I have one of the brightest kids in the nursery
A happy kid, she has her moments, dont they all
I have a loving child, one who knows right and wrong
One who can tell anything without fear
And more importantly one that has respect and love for herself
And others
I have a child that will offer to help people without prompting
Who will say please and thankyou without prompting,
Who is tidy, who is clean, who is read to everynight
Who is cuddled when it is needed
Who is told off when is needed
I have a child that knows mummy can be angry and dislike something they have done
But who loves them regardless,
And she is only 5, so why can people think im not doing 100%
I was thinking it all along, thinking that without me they would go further
But they wont they are what they are because of me
I was given a blank canvas and produced a masterpiece
So how can people doubt anything where children are concerned,
Im so so so angry that my inability to allow me to show that ive done well
My inability to allow people to praise,
More importantly my fear of letting people see my love for my children
Which is so strong it physically hurts me
Yet because i feel that i cant show people that,
Or that this may be wrongly judged then im leaving myself open to too much
I cant seem to get my head clear today, yet yesterday it was as clear as day
today its all foggy and hurting
I am so much more equiped now than i was last year
So why now,
Maybe im all so wrong, maybe i should stop listening to what i think is being said
But then can i be this wrong
This will be a long weekend, the longest in so long,
Then next week when i should be celebrating, I wont i will be paranoid
Wandering what they are deciding, who is going to come to the door,
Scared that things ive said go further,
that any trust i had will be blown away
Why when i take a step forward is there always someone ready to push me back
Or am i so used to that, that i make it happen,
Is it just the pressure that this month brings
Are people wanting me to hate them as that makes it easier,
I suppose i should stop assuming and see what monday brings,
But that is so so so much easier to say than do
I just dont understand what i do so wrong,
Yet obviously they all do,
Im sad that my parenting skills where even criticised today
As i know im a good mum, regardless of what i say
My eldest wouldnt be as confident as clever as happy as she is
If it wasnt for me and her dad ensuring this,
I need to put it out forget it tonight
And enjoy the weekend and just forget the nights
It just all seems to be such a mess
Why oh why do i need to say so much
I only say what i can to the ones that i can
As i need support and believed
Not criticised and confused
Why do they all have to go and talk
Behind my back, behind the block
Come here, go there but not leaving me out
Then i fear whats said and what secrets come out
I suppose its another 72hours i think
Till i can even ask or discuss the reason
to phone to talk to discuss my being,
But i need to air what is in my head
I could be so wrong
I could have so mis read
But i cant see it like that,
I know emotian and today i was faced with many of them
Pissed off, angry annoyed them all
And that scares me from someone i trust more than all
If it was someone who didnt know or know me
Then i would cope with that and support wee me
But how can i support her, when her feelings feel wrong
When i want to grieve and i want to work on
Then along comes something else to make it not on
I know that things are never easy
But jesus this is more than hard
Its awfull, its tiring, its exhausting and scarey
But i need to fight til the end til im so happy,
Welcome to my new life
I was told the other day
And i couldnt have put it any other way
So heres hoping its not altered before i can start
And heres hoping i can grieve and accept im not a tart
Hopefully i can admit that i love my kids so much
That i will always be the best they have got
Would have and is possible
surely everone can see this,

thankyou for tearing me apart

2008-04-01T01:58:00.000+01:00

how true how true how true

Im lost but im hopefull!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

2008-04-01T01:57:00.001+01:00

anxiety takes over

2008-03-29T03:13:00.002Z

Im stuck and cant move
its been 7hours since i sat here
and im struck and stuck with fear
Im scared that it happens before i can speak
Why cant i ever speak what i want to
I know i need to

But i know deep down it will have to be alone
But i cant i just cant do it alone
I wonder if they check it over
Can you sneak in and hide
Then you would never be dead only missing
But then it would take me
He cant do that
Ive fought for ever
two years now, to undo the hurt
two years to undo the fear
But i knew i had to go back
But i didnt want it forced
Its forced now
I didnt think it would be so soon
I thought i could juggle it for a while
I thought it would be my choice
To bury, to go, to be strong
This just aint happening

I cant get my head round anything tonight
i can see no light
there isnt even a tunnell
i now know what i need
it is so clear
it is so near
and it just aint happening

Im really scared
Im petrified and i cant do much more middle of the night crap
I want to be left alone
I know i just need to work harder
Ive done the hard bit for me,
ive trusted, i still trust, ive spoken, though not as much as i could
or as much as i should
but ive still spoken
why can i never tell it like it is,
why cant i have sessions now at 3am,4am
if only!!!!
when its real, its raw, its scarey
why cant i just ask for what i need
why does the fear of regection take over

Im not a child,
not any more,
so am i really of any use to him
it was wee me he liked
or is it scared me
or will i always be a child in his eyes
in my eyes
A grown women could voice her wants
would not fear sounding stupid
a grown women could talk without waffling
A real women could just say what she needed to say
whats the worst you can say????
the "i cant tell you if i have kids"reply
stops me probably,still makes me think twice before saying anything
but it shouldnt
maybe i need a reality check,
maybe i need to rememeber who i am

is it the fear of feeling that hurt, that stupid, that daft
again maybe it is
or is it the ultimate regection
even down to things that others would just say
others would just ask
others would just speak
why do i have to watch what i say
i know im waffling rubbish
but maybe it will clear some of the stuff out my head
maybe its so hard as i know it is unrealistic
maybe i just set myself up to fail
to hurt
to be miserable
i cant remember not feeling numb
so maybe i deserve no more
i need to stand up and shout that im not bad
but how many people will shout back
j i really need you to help me speak,
i know you do,and i know you get so pissed off with me
im sorry for that,it is not my intention
im not sure if we have an agenda for this week
i know i do, but i spose i always do,
but the closer its getting the more overpowering its getting
ive googled my night away
trying to work out when when when,
but im getting no where
im so scared that im gonna screw this up too,
its a hard time ahead the lighter nights
i know i hate the dark
but id rather it be dark with shadows
than light with every detail to be seen
why could they do that to me
i just want to feel clean
they have left me so dirty and ugly and bad
them all, even him,
they have made me mad,sad and scared
they have made me so damn aware
i hate living in a jumpy, noisy world
a loud and noisy head
i want to remember that he is dead
but they all are not, the pics are not
and worse of all they are not in my head
im waffling away here,
in the hope of the birds start singing
the kids get up and ill be back to safety
im scared to go on like this,
i want someone to come and get me
take me away from him
dont let him touch me anymore
dont let him take the pictures
dont let people watch, i dont like people watching
i dont like them touching themselves
or me or anyone else,
i dont like mens bits, things, what ever,
i cant bear to see them, yet i do,
even in my safety i was faced with that
Even in my safe place, there was still that,
with men touching themselves
and i feel sick to the stomache
why why why why why why why
i thought better
why though i dont know, as what makes any of them different
i feel sick and i cant stop them
if i count squares til i can count no more
then will it be over and will it be time to go
i dont like the place im in
its clean too clean and smells like disinfectant
i hate that smell
like a hospital
reminds me of unwell
there are too many people around to know to see
i know most of them and they all know me
but some i dont know, some you dont see
they make sure of that, but they can still see me
and others, other stupid niave people
but how do they know me
because im lucky, special, good,
or because im stupid, dirty and rude
i hate being there for them to oggle
why would they even want to watch
surely they cant get happy from pain
surely they can see that its not a big game
she is there, she thinks its fun
i dont think so, i just want my mum
but she isnt there, no where to be seen
im just left here, with these two and there team
i cant cope with the thoughts of what they done
or what i let them do
why would they pick me,
what have i done so bad
they always had to drink first
was i really so bad that they had to be drunk
before they could even be with me
sounds familiar, sounds like the way
i hate this room, i cant escape
with the walls, the ceiling i know it all
the lights the switches the marks on the wall
i cant shut it out, its here and now,
im writing it down to escape just now
but its not working,
im trapped and i have to let him torcher me more
as i cant fight against him any more
i dont want to hurt and i dont want to hate
but i cant help thinking that im not great
that im bad, that im ugly, that i need taught a lesson
that im lucky, that im special and that im a precious person
his princess, his special girl, his lovely one
her good girl, her number one, her favourite being
she only showed what she did, so i was believing
that it was nice and gentle too
but she didnt know it was gentle with you
you were always worse when others around
you always treated me bad when she was there
you made me hurt more, scared more, and full of fear
why did you not show her that you cared, or them too,
then maybe they would have left it to you
why did you have to do such real bad things
infront of others but not behind
maybe if it was always the cuddles the gentle the not so sore
then i could cope better than i am no more
i cant take the hate you had for me
the love, the hate, the disgust in your face
the look ive seen from you and another
you know who but you and no other
but that look scares me more than you
as i know what that look can do
i need to stop now as im getting scared
im not feeling brave
im not feeling well
im talking to you to drown you out,
but its not working is it
you are always louder, stronger and bigger than me

think i need to go and get some music to my ears
very very loud music, its 4am now
im running out of ideas,
only another 2hours to kill

2008-03-27T21:58:00.002Z

numb numb numb

having a heavy head full of nothing
is better than a clear head but full of everything
how much more will it take to get to where i need to go
how much more of numb does it take

i sit and waite for it to kick in, so it can kick him out
tomoro i need some respite, ive had a week of me, no nothing
just me
its been the worst week in life,
in the now, not the past
its been torture and hell
and enough is enough
ive tried but ive failed so tomoro
its back to that again
wot else can someone do in order to breath
to live, to exist
im devastated that "me" is so bad, i need somthing to disguise it
im sorry that im making such a mess of everything,
of my life, of my future of everything

one gets me through the day the other through the night
what a mess, what a disgrace, what an excuse of a person i am
im so pissed off that i should be better, i cant just forget if only
if only if only
as it runs out and im still me,

will i make it

2008-03-27T12:18:00.002Z

When i started writing this blog it was to mark my road to survival
that road was always gonna be hard,
was always gonna be difficult
was always gonna be rocky,
but somehow, somewhere, something said it was a road i had to take
A road to survivial
i was a survivor in the making,
that always gives the idea that im going to make it
But now comes a time, again, again and again, you all say
that i have to decide am i "in the making" or am i "in the failing"
im thinking the latter
there comes a time when i have to say enough is enough,
Or when others have to feel enough is enough
how much time do people have to waste on me!!!!!!!!!!
I wonder if walking away is less cruel than finality,
but could i walk and never ever turn back, i dont know
Would i not always be thinking, where, when, why and what??
So then i come back surely that is worst than not being here at all
The countdown is in, should i be scared or excited???
Should i feel relief or fear
should i feel so so calm or should i feel frantic??
I know what i feel, but is that normal, or is anything i ever feel normal
People think i was abused, it was years ago, ive told people, now get over it,
if only it was so easy, people think you tell and life gets better,
you yell and the pain goes away
if only it was that easy
if only my past wasnt my everyday

wasted

2008-03-23T03:42:00.002Z

Im wasted
i need to feel nothing
i need to not feel
but i just feel wasted
life is wasted
love was wasted
family yep its wasted

love is wasted
fear is more wasted
time been wasted
no more should waste
i am wasted
he has wasted me
im wasted as i cant be free
so i try for numb
to not see,
to not feel
to not know me
ive took some stuff
to make me numb
but im not,
i aint
i just feel some
hate, sad, fear and shock
at him, her and all there lot
i wish i was so wasted i wouldnt know
if only, idiot, ill always be his whoe

got me

2008-03-15T02:46:00.001Z

you got me didnt you]
ypu thought i didnt care but i did
you thought i didnt feel but i do
i know that its my own fault
but ive never been that bad
why my baby
i cant believe you took my baby
im sick and drunk
i want my baby back
ive no chance aint i not
no chance at all
i love ya baby
love your smile
love your smell
your
innocence

big deep breaths

2008-03-12T03:53:00.002Z

I think i need to take huge big deep breaths
to ground myself
to remember the here and now
to get free for a while
Ive been doing everything i can
working my way down the list
to try and get some reprive
Its 4am so at least it has been as dark as its going to be
Im trying to think how i feel
and its dirty, disgusting, shame, hatred, self loathe
thats just for starters,
Stupid, ugly, obese, soiled, worthless,
i could go on and on
but i cant as i might not stop
Its been so long since i had a nights unbroken sleep
its been so long since i actually felt my eyes close
It seem like an eternity
I do hear that sleep is overrated anyway and im not missing out
But id like to try it out sometime
The less im sleeping the more i feel the way i do just now
upset, uptight, scared, dirty, spoiled, disgusting, hatred
and the more i feel like this the less i sleep
so i dont think i can win,
i wonder if ill ever win

tears for fears

2008-03-10T14:44:00.002Z

Im now sat crying,
the anger has left and all i feel is sad
Sad for me, sad to be alone,
sad that people dont want to be near me,
Scared to be alone,
Why does no one want to stick around
Why does no one care about me
I just want someone to look after me
Someone to tell me not to die
Someone to tell me im worth being alive
Someone who will stick around forever
Someone who can listen to my past and see a future
Im not feeling so angry anymore just very very sad
Just very upset and frustrated
My tears are for one thing
Fear that im alone, fear that they are all leaving me
Why can no one like me
Why when they know do they not want to know me
Why do they not care
Will they shed a tear when im gone,
Will they understand i wasnt wrong
I need to pull myself together
And stop the tears
My kids are hear and i dont want them to see me
Not when im in tears, not when i cant explain it
How can i say im crying as no one wants to cuddle me
Im crying cause no one loves me like a daughter
Im crying because the love i have for you no one has for me
Im crying for all ive lost, all ive wanted and all ill ever want
Im crying for the shame i feel, for the hate i feel
Im crying because im crying alone,
Even in a room full of people i am lonely
Even when surrounded my friends im alone
Im empty, im nothing and i dont like it,

uptight

2008-03-10T12:56:00.002Z

Im so damn uptight and angry and want to scream and shout
but with who??? To who?? Whats the point
The people i want to be angry with i cant
im not aloud
the people who its safe to be angry with, i dont want to be angry with
The only person i know to be angry with is me
ME ME ME
I HATE THIS AND I CANT TAKE MUCH MORE

funeral wants

2008-03-07T10:21:00.002Z

I wondered where to leave this
Where i knew if needed it could be
Where i knew that people who would need to know
Could be told my wishes,
I know that people who know me
When there pc will permit
Will look on here and see
So i thought it be best here,
then it cant get lost

The Lord's my Shepherd, I'll not want.
he makes me down to lie
in pastures green; he leadeth me
the quiet waters by.

My soul he doth restore again;
and me to walk doth make
within the paths of righteousness,
even for his own Name's sake.

Yea, though I walk in death's dark vale,
yet will I fear no ill;
for thou art with me; and thy rod
and staff my comfort still.

My table thou hast furnished
in presence of my foes;
my head thou dost with oil anoint,
and my cup overflows.

Goodness and mercy all my life
shall surely follow me;
and in God's house forevermore
my dwelling place shall be.

Verse St John 14
to be read the way i learnt it from a kids bible
Do not let your heart be troubled
Trust in god, trust also in me
In my fathers home are many mansions
If it where not so i would have told you
Im going to that place to prepare a home
And if i go and prepare i home i will come
back to recieve you to take you where i am
Thomas said Lord we dont know where we are going
So how can we know the way
Jesus said I am the way, the truth and the life
No man cometh to the father
Except by me
(i was 6 when i learnt this and said it over and over again)

Id like this read also
To anyone who is here today
To help the people who are sad,
to say goodbye as i go
Then i thankyou for being in my life
Im sorry that this has happened now,
Maybe you think, a waste,
But look at what ive left behind
my life was never a waste,
Two most beutiful girls that will know forever more
they were brought to the world with such love
They are the reason i lived so long
So everyone in here dont be sad
Be happy for what ive done
And make sure them two wee ones
Will never forget there mum
thanks,x,x,x

songs lyrics and life

2008-03-07T09:53:00.002Z

And everything around her is a silver pool of light
The people who surround her feel the benefit of it
It makes you calm
She holds you captivated in her palm
Oh she makes me feel like I could be a tower
A big strong tower
She got the power to be
The power to give
The power to see

these lyrics help me daily,
we all know someone like this if we are lucky
It took me to receantly to know someone like this,
but im lucky for it,

Im struggling just now, Big time
though thats is nothing new,
Its hard to get on,
when you still dont have a clue
I hate people seeing me
And knowing what ive done
And now they saw me there and then
Im surprised if theyll return
Im glad i get through an hour of pain
with no drugs, no drink, no help
I feel better that ive done it,
but i feel exposed a little too
I want to scream and cry and shout
I want everyone to do it too
But i cant im scared, im scared to death
That he will come out my head

Im tired, the sleeping is so awfull just now
The car works some of the time
but other times he takes control
like he says "nope your mine"
I wish they would all leave me be
And there demons would go away
But its with me here and now
And every other day

I want to be so honest and true
And speak without thinking
But i cant get over the shame and guilt
the embarassement the fear,
The stupidity the hate the utter disgust
At what i done all them years

I want to look at the photos again
And see them how you did
But i cant, not on my own, like this
And i cant because i fear,
I tried the "im still here", the being brave
"When ive told so there your wrong"
But it doesnt work
He doesnt care
They cant tarnish his name,
they cant do him harm,
the people who i cant tell
he knows i never will
so is he always going to have this hold over me
Is he always going to bloody win,
Im ready to fight this sometimes and i feel brave
Then i reaslise that all my worth, is to be a mans sex slave
So wots the point of fighting
Whats the point of being
Whats the point of dealing
When ill only end up leaving
Ive not cut for so so long
Ive done so well with that
Ive used the ice cubes, the cards, everything
But today is a new start
I feel i need to cut away the places he put his hands
Cut away to stop me feeling
Cut to the blood wont stop
I thought of walking in front of a bus earlier,
But it didnt seem the time
As i couldnt do it to look like an accident
When i was pushing a pram beside
Ill need to waite til im alone
Maybe waite a while
But i cant do the school start thing
So i need to make a move on
I need to hurry up
As its only 24 weeks from now
So the preparations will start so soon
And thats just not for me
But the only way i can escape them
Is to make sure i cant see
I cant breath, I cant move and I am no more
Ill let down a lot of people
But ill free them up too, to get on with there life
And have some peace from constantly having me
At them to help, not getting anywhere,
Ive been told how well ive done
I was told that on wednesday
To get to where i am in life
With all i had to do
But its not down to fight, or me
Its down to fear or being asked
So i just got by and never tried
So i dont deserve praise or help
The best thing i could do for all around
Would be to leave them all to be,
To live a life with peace and quiet
A life without me

the eyes are the window to the soul

2008-02-26T05:42:00.002Z

So wot do mine say about me
right now they probabaly dont say much as they havent shut in so long they are struggling to say anything much,
Im so so so tired, but im just not relaxing at night
how the hell can i
i will need to try from early on tonight
and hope i get somewhere
ive been hanging on with a thread since saturday
i feel drained and sad and angry and upset and generally peeved
I feel sick and scared
And i feel agitated
But i need to get a grip enough to relax enough to sleep
no matter what it takes i just need to sleep
As the longer and more im not sleeping the shorter my temper is through the day
Ive had the odd scarey moment too, but i battled them to get to here,
Wish i drank coffee as i think i would have needed some today
I think its going to be a long one,

in the middle of the night

2008-02-22T03:26:00.002Z

As cilla would say Surprise Surprise
IM up, awake and annoyed for it
i had an hour last night and i havent even ventured near there yet tonight
kids will be up in three hours max so it is seeming pointless
I know if i took some pills id soon sleep but would i wake early enough
probably not so no point in that
Im feeling very calm just now,
not nice calm a weird calm, a planning calm
the calm before the storm calm
had a really weird dream last night, hence why i was back up so soon
but i keep thinking it was real, or maybe hoping,
who knows, not me
i dont know that i know much of whats happening just now
Im not in much control
but i never have been
Ive been avoiding something too and ive realised how much ive screwed up, a bit, by ovioding doing it,
and it might come back and bite my arse as i cant avoid it anymore
i cant as i will not suffer
my daughter will
but will she
or wont she
i cant be as bad as i think others are with me, where with me
i cant live my fears through her,
i need to let her breath and make mistakes
but be here when she does
i cant look at her and see me anymore
i cant punish her for the way i want to punish me
she isnt me,
she is smarter than i ever was
By protecting her and by thinking ive done the right thing
ive done wrong by her, her whole life could go so wrong
and who shall we blame, the fucked up mum who thought she was a good mum
that would be me
I will NEVER let anyone hurt my girl the way they do me
NEVER EVER EVER as i am a mum with eyes and ears and im a mum that sees and hears
Why could my mum not have been, was she being the best by me, i know she must have
Its not like people think, she must have loved me she is still here,
I couldnt have been that insignificant in her life she gave birth to me
AND STAYED WITH ME
so why am i meant to feel that im in the wrong for this and i was insignificant
i know i deserved no better and even my mum saying other wise, wouldnt change that as no matter how hard i try the one voice id want to hear say that couldnt say that, so that says a lot
So maybe i did deserve it, but my girl doesnt
she doesnt deserve to be left behind or let down by association
And by my fears, she deserves to be at the front of any line for good and she deserves a mum with enough care to put her first before ANYTHING, but thats just not happened,
god ive fucked up and i know why, i know why im so scared, i know why ive not done what ive done BUT SHE IS NOT ME, so nothing I DO NOW will change the past will change anything bar the here and now,
I will get onto sorting it out tomoro ive to see my hv,
before she goes and leaves me, will add her to the long list,
I know its a wee while, well about 8 weeks or so, maybe less, but its still like tomoro,
If 24year ago feels like today then a few weeks will feel like now
AND IT SO SO DOES, i dont know why i let myself care when i know they go, everyone goes
but then thats what happens, isnt it,
I will explain the fook ups ive done with my girl see if she can help, she will just say ive been stoopid,
My girl is safe it is not that, GOD please dont think that,i may have partook in abuse in the past but i wouldnt in the future or the hear and now
I may have took part as i felt i had no choice, but i was only 4 i didnt really know it was so wrong and dirty,
I make the decisions where my kids are concerned and the only one i can make and stick to is to protect them and ensure they are safe 24/7, which im doing now as im awake so we are all safe as i can hear a pin drop, so i will hear the danger,
BUT in my protecting they may have had to do without, and thats where ive screwed up,
ill not worry now, no point i cant do much at this time in the middle of the night
ill stop waffling now thats all muddled here its at least straighter in my head,

back to stoopid o clock

2008-02-12T00:58:00.001Z

its all wrong again
Im back to sitting here wide awake at stoopid o clock
Doing anything not to sleep
As thats when there is danger
When im awake i can hear
So i know my kids are alright
Thats when i remember i have kids
the rest of the time im listening for any noise
A noise that tells me the world is asleep
A noise that tells me im not safe
The sound of lifts opening and closing
Of doors banging
Of keys turning
Of lights switching on and off
Of unsteady feet walking
Of my door opening
Or my door closing, thats a sound i welcome
I listen and hope i hear none of them
But one of them
And the more i listen the less i hear
Im so so tired, im always so tired
But it cant be helped,
I wont be any more safe if im awake
But i can prepare
I can count
I can spell
i can watch the sky
I can talk in my head
I can tell
If im not awake
My mind cant yell
So awake it must be
No matter what it takes
Awake is the only option for me

by the skin on my teeth

2008-02-08T12:48:00.001Z

Im hanging on by the skin on my teeth
And no more today
Im trying my best to get in my car and drive
Anything is better than this
But the more pressure im putting on myself
The harder i am finding it
Its friday and i know where id be going
I know id be getting scared
Right now i feel scared and sick
I never took the wee one out to nursery today
I didnt want her out my sight,
Im going to hide in my bed
As soon as i know they are all right
Ive had the blanket out to feel invisible
Ive had the ice cubes out to feel pain
Ive had the folder out to feel safe
But nothing is working today
Arghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
I hate friday, i hate me i hate this life
Ten more minutes is all i have to hang on for
Then ill be ok,
Then i can put the music in my ears
I can hide and not be here
I can sleep and know im safe
Its not long but its felt like forever
I need to feel numb, i need to seperate myself
its the safest place to be
then i can come back when its safe to be me

what is happening to me

2008-02-06T22:10:00.001Z

Im so lost and so confused and upset and sad and angry and cold and tired but wide awake
Im scared and hurt and just so so so so confused
I went to see my psych today i remember going, i remember talking, i remember not talking, i know i didnt talk about the voice and the things he tells me, I know i didnt vocalise the stuff i wrote,
But i dont remeber leaving, or walking or where i went or why i went there, I dont know what has happened to me,
I feel so numb, confused, dazed and scared,
I cant go on feeling this despair
Im not long home i went for a cuppa though it took me a while to get there,
but i dont know why
I just know i was scared to go anywhere, I just want to feel safe
why is that such a big ask,
will i only feel safe when i feel nothing
granted i wont feel safe as there will be nothing
but at least i wont feel sad or scared,
i thought i was get taken there, i know ive been so dazed as i know i was wondering why i was out myself in the dark, where i shouldnt have been,
but then im ok as im not young so i can go where i want to, so thats just stupid
I think i was thinking i was five or something,
I think im losing the plot,
I wanted to talk today, but i pretended it was all good, im so so scared that she will think ive wasted her time if im not doing great or worse still she will see me as a no hoper, no chance of ever getting there, so will just leave, retire completly as thats what happens isnt it, people get fed up helping me, i know ive made progress but i just think i need to talk and cry and scream and shout and let it out,
But i didnt i never do, i just pretend im great grand and coping so well, thats what i do when things are so bad as then people dont ask you why its bad so you dont have to talk,
But i cant go on pretending no more, i cant live with the fear i have
Im so so so scared of what is happening to me
I really think im going to die as i feel it physically
I shouldnt be able to feel the pain, feel the fear that must mean im losing the plot
And id rather lose than lose the plot
How can i go on like this,
What is happening to me,
Im gonna have to sort something out soon as i cant spend the next fortnight like the last, beating myself up for not talking not telling all , not just letting it all go, i cant spend the next two weeks in limbo just waiting to talk, then ruining the chance again,
why am i such a stupid cow, why cant i just talk,
I need to talk and need to cry need to feel safe and need to be comforted and know its ok to talk and ok to cry and ok to feel like this
I need to know im not losing the plot and i dont know how to know,
I need to know im safe, i need to stop feeling scared,
I need to know im believed and i need help to believe im not dirty, im not bad and im not evil, i need to know it wasnt my fault, i need to know im not bad, I need to know that it is so wrong, but then he tells me differently and i need to know im allowed to tell him he is wrong, im allowed to disagree
I need to know im not dirty and i can cry and someone might actually want to cuddle me because the care about me and not because i can give them something in return
I need to know i can live my life,
Im so so scared to love my kids as i cant look forward, i cant see them going to school i cant imagine i will be here to see it, i cant get a job what the point when i will let people down and not seeout anything i start
I need to know my psych is going to be here for me a wee bit longer and see me through this i feel like she is going to go soon, i just know its going to happen, i know she must hate me as im such a fookin waster, im losing it big time and im sorry i lost it today ive never felt so scared, i need to go to sleep i think, maybe i wont wake up maybe ill wake up better or maybe i wont even get to sleep,
this is all just a huge pile of mess and i cant see through it, can you?? can anyone??

frustrating as hell

2008-02-05T00:06:00.000Z

Im driving myself mad
But i cant do nothing else
Ive not had sleep for so long
Its been like hell
Ive been awake now for 43 hours
thats a lot of not sleeping,
Feels like more,
Im starting to feel ill again,
Though do i deserve not too
Im thinking too much to stop
My head is rushing with thoughts
My head is trying to make sense of things
So i cant sleep
As i cant give in to it,
I have to just go on, get on and hope to god im ok

I was thinking about heaven and hell and god,
I was thinking about a book i once read called the celestine prophecy
And i was trying to work out which i believed
If there is a god as we know and think of,
then why do people suffer,
People say it makes you stronger if it doesnt break you
BULLSHIT
i dont think im stronger than i would be if i was left untouched
Or what about everything happens for a reason????
That doesnt make much sense either,so why did my life happen,
why did i happen, to ensure misery for all???

Or you survive this you go to heaven if you are good hell if you are not
What if this is hell, and you start at the bottom and work your way up
Hell does not scare me why should it it cant be much worse than this
I actually feel pain physical pain like i used to, why is this,
what is my mind doing to my body
or why is my body playing tricks

So this is hell, im put here for a reason that reason is to get through it
Then what, where do i go then, heaven , what happens there, do people actually love you or do they kid on like they do here,
i think i like nothingness better as then ill never know

what if they are all there and waiting when its my time to go
what if they are really here now, i know i hear, i see and i feel
but everyone else just thinks its unreal
its all such a mess that is tangled and sore
but i need to untangle it or take his door

!!!!!!!!!!!!

2008-02-04T01:40:00.000Z

IF A CHILD LIVES WITH SHAME
SHE LEARNS TO FEEL GUILT

i came on to edit

2008-01-28T21:43:00.000Z

I came on to edit what i wrote today
but ive decided to leave it
Ive never edited or reread in the past
as it would make the blog not true
I came on here today to try and express
the feelings i had the way i know best
But all i came out with where the feelings deep down
that my life was over and i couldnt turn it round
I spoke to the people who i knew could help
yet i still sat here convinced in myself
certain it was over and my only way to be free
Was to be no more breathing, be no more me

But ive changed the thought as much as i can
In that im still here, im still alive
Im still doing as i am
Im scared that tomoro wont ever come,
But i wish it would as today im not numb
Im feeling so much hurt, like never before
And i didnt know how to cope or behave or be brave
But im alive and the day is nearly over
I took the best advice i got, take it by the hour,
And that where I am at,
its been a lot of hours passed, where i have done nothing at all
I havent tidied or cleaned or done anything at all
Ive just counted the mins til another one was gone,
Knowing that not much longer and i will have survived another day
Im scared at how close it was again,
But i can see why and i know i will work it out when i can

Its been a hard week, a harder weekend
but the worst day of all
And i know everyone is waiting for me to fall
But im sick of giving everyone what they want
So maybe they will all have to waite a bit more
Because maybe for now i aint ready to hit the floor

its time to face my final curtain

2008-01-28T16:28:00.000Z

God almighty it was never ever meant to be this hard
It was never meant to be as scarey as this
I was meant to feel peace
I was meant to feel tranquility
I was meant to feel at one
I was meant to feel relieved
So why am i so scared, that soon ill not breath
Why am i scared of the dark
Why am i scared of the nothing,
It cant be scarier than this
It cant be worse than this living

I spoke to one person on my list of must speaks to
Wish i hadnt as she nearly made this different,
I tried to phone and tell her not
But i couldnt let her think id lost the plot
She has done more than enough up to now
She has dont more than she should have had to
So i will leave it at that, but it means ill never say goodbye
Ill never get a cuddle or a feeling like she cared
But she is not my mum or anything so i need to get over it

The other person i cant contact
as i just dont know how to
I can phone her work but shes not there
Not today or tomoro
So how can i get in touch with her
Well i cant can i,
I know if i tried and tried a lot,
I proberbly could, but if i speak to her i will never go through
what it is i need to do,
ill never take the rest
ill never get it over with
ill not be able to betray and i dont feel like i am now
as she hasnt asked me not too,
neither of them have, so im free to do it then, or am i
god this is just a total mess
ill not think about others,
im doing the most selfish thing in the world
thats what they will all say
but it is about time i done something selfish aint it,

its that time!!!!!!!!!!!

2008-01-19T00:41:00.000Z

Friday night pubs out
can mean only one thing
im sat hear waiting
to see what i hear
what will be my welcome
will it be closed door,
i pray for that every time
i love closed door,
that means safety
that means phew
that means not tonight
that means "i dont love you"
so do i want it open
do i want to hurt
do i want fear
am i just a slut
does it mean "i love you"
is that why i do what i do
But i need to remember
its not going to happen tonight
as im not there i am here
it might be that time
but its safe where i am
but its not it isnt its awfull
and ill always be his slut
what if there was never a weekend
would i live alright in the week
what if this is the last one
that i ever have to greet
now theres a thought to think of
a thought to get me through
that this could be the last one
that i sit and waite on you

ironic, a milestone, yet so sad,

2008-01-10T00:49:00.000Z

I thought i was near to making 100 posts on here
i thought i was a few away
but i was wrong as this is post 100
How ironic that this is the worst day of my life
And its also a landmark post

Im so so so numb,
I feel like its over now
I keep thinking i should just go
I keep being told i should just go
I feel numb, i feel weird, i could cry

I did not think it would be as hard as today
To talk and say,what it is he says to me
But it was, it was scarey
And i feel like ive betrayed

Im now full of fear
Like i have never been
Of fear, of dread,
Of wishing i was dead

Ive said the one i hear the most
The one I found i could
But i know if it is as bad as that
How bad the rest will be,

Im wishing it was the next time now
As am numb just now, unfeeling
Im not here, im not there
Im nowhere and i cant stop it from beeing

Im trying to stay here
in the here and now,
Or even just in my sef
But i cant, i cant do it, its just to much
So im better just fleeing,

Im scared of closing my eyes tonight,
And not being very alert,
As i have a feeling in my heart
That tonight somethings going wrong

I really need a cuddle
To not feel so dirty or scared
I wished i could get one
From someone who did care
My psych told me today
"if she was my mum"
God how much do i wish that where true
If only to help me through all this
In a way thats not just profession
Though i know its more than that,
But is it pity, disgust and intrigue
At how i am bad and deserved
He says she is taking the piss out of me
Thats the hardest thing i heard,

some pics of how i feel right now,

2008-01-08T01:21:00.000Z

another night of no sleep,

2008-01-08T01:01:00.000Z

I dont know how much more of no sleep i can take
My house will be alive again in 5 hours
I dread it, ill be a state

Ive had such an awfull night
An awfull day
My closest aside there are only two people who get me through all this
And they know who they are
My psych and my HV
without them god knows where id be at

But today when i saw my hv
she had some news....
she is leaving in april,
I am never going to cope,
I can never cope, she has been through this with me
And she is not going to see the end
Am i going to see the end???

I was so shocked when she left i threw up
was physically sick, i thought she would always be here
I suppose i didnt really think
I get to a point, yeah this is furthest yet
Then they go, will the psych be next
He is so so winning this battle,
He lets people belive me that he knows will have to go
He lets me trust the ones that he knows will not be around
To pick me up and help me out when he batters me to the ground
I feel so helpless and so sad,
So useless and i can do nothing,

I feel like im getting left to fight alone,
Ive no one to run to no one to phone
Ive no way of coping without her help
Its seems ill be left by myself
Ill still have my psych i know that too
But with my hv she is a team
How will i cope with once a fortnight
No one to turn to, when im having these nights
No one to phone when he is taking over
No one to help me when im having enough
No one to talk too about nothing at all
God this is awfull why is it so
That whenever i trust they have to go
Im being so selfish i know that
But im saying here what i wont say outload
I would never say it and make her feel bad
as she knows that she has kept me alive
Who can i promise from now on,
No one ohhhhhhh shit
i think im truley distraught,

He has loved it though,
that same line again
About what happens when i tell
People i love and care about go away
Why have i been stupid and let myself trust
I shouldnt have started this,
I should have let it lie
And he couldnt gloat
I could just die
x,

cant think wont think

2008-01-06T01:47:00.000Z

I cant think long enough not to think
Im trying to not think
Which is making me think
Im trying to get rid
Which is bringing it to the front of my mind
Im trying to run away and trying to hide,

I was thinking this blog makes no sense,
I waffle on and talk whats in my head
Assuming people know where im coming from
Where right now im at
But they dont, do they
they just think im a waffling,...tube

So where am I
Im trying to talk to a psychologist about my past
About the sex i had when i was young,
with men thats should have known better
Ive discussed the past, now we are on the now,
Im trying to learn who I am,
But im constatly told wrong, by the person from all these years ago
Im told this is a voice in my head
An introgection, i think
*yes she does listen*
As he is no longer alive in this world,
Most of them are no longer alive
Yet still daily, i hear the threats, the taunts
I see the faces and things i despise

People who know me would never know as im a mum of two
A wife and a home maker, i have a clean house, tidy house
And a smile on my face for the visitors,
But beneath that smile im a broken person
I do not live as i should
Im scared to go out, I hear them shout,
They talk to me so rude, ive been told its ptsd
My past has made me like this,
If it wasnt for his hand, his touch his kiss
Id be happy and enjoying my life and kids,

But thats what made me start all this,
Knowing there was more to life
I want to be a good mummy to them
I want to be a good wife

So im working through it with lots of help
And im stumbling on the road
Its a road paved with obstacled for me to fall
A road im scared to go on at all
But one that im starting to walk on,
One that im stumbling and fall
But its one i had to take
Or life was not worth fuck all

I just wonder if people come across this shite
That i write to keep me sane
If they wonder what its all about
If they wondered if i was insane

When im a survivor, if i ever am,
Life will be so different
But for know im just
A survivor in the making

still

2008-01-04T23:11:00.001Z

im still awake,
ive sat at the computer just looking at it
Not doing anything,
just thinking
But ive been here now for 4hours,
Not so productive
Im so tired im over awake,
i hate this bit

Ive been avoiding everything possible today
Ive not really seen my children
Ive been there physically but ive not really been there
Its so unfair on them, its so unfair on me

But whats the other option?
To stay around in the room,
watch them play
What do i do, what do i say
I dont know,

im just so confused just now,
so trying to smile, be happy for the world to see
Trying to pretend, trying to forget, be "me"
Why cant i do it no more,
Is that even so hard,

Im going to crawl into a book for an hour,
If i am allowed, unless he gets involved again
disturbs and gets real load,
Ive still no mp3, and i cant get that one to work
So im stuck to listen when i dont want
As i cant turn music up load,
But i dont know how much more of it i can hear
I know im not allowed
I knew i shouldt have talked
I knew i shouldnt have spoken
I know ive done the biggest crim
And a promise i have broken

Oh god i never thought of that
Its something i would never do
You give you word to someone
Youre word you must be true
Oh no that makes it all the worse
I cant believe i never thought
I cant believe theve let me tell
Well know i know ill rot
I dont want to go away for ever
I dont want to not be a friend
I just wanted to stop the laughing
The smile, the jokes the pretence
I want someone to share with me
the mess ive got inside
I didnt do it to hurt
i done it to survive
Im sorry for betraying my word
its not something i would do
But i really was thinking of me
Not of harming you
SOrry
im going to switch this pc off now as im rattling and rattling on
and i dont like talking when im not thinking
as then i say way too much
plus i really need to rest my eyes
not sleep im not giving into that one yet,
but just to rest and listen for the steps,

Crashhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

2008-01-04T02:09:00.000Z

I think im gonna crash
Ive been so uptight all day
On edge, to be expected i suppose,
But how is it, it is now after 2am
And im still wide awake,
No point going to bed now, is there
I hate this part, the being awake,
the stuff all swirling round and round in my head,
Ive read my letter again, then ive re-read
I even had a smile when i read it once
And a dry eye
Well nearly

The flashbacks have been so much better today
Its like that big part of my head
Is switched off as easy as a tiny wee switch
If only that meant i had a good day,
No it didnt there where still other things to contend with
But its a start i suppose,
But then tomoro i can do the same
The next probably again
Then by sunday it will be CRASH
as there comes a limit, and by then ill have reached mine,
So it will be back to bed,
Back to me
And back to hide,
Maybe thats all the relief im allowed
Maybe thats all the hate he can hide
If only i knew then maybe id know what to do

But i dont know, and i dont know if i ever will
Will i ever want to be "ME" in this big world
If he wont control me, and he cant say
Then who will say what happens to me today
God i think im even confusing myself more,
idiot that i am
but i suppose better to be hung for a sheep
as a lamb!!!!!!!!!!

Unhappy New Year

2008-01-03T10:00:00.000Z

I cant believe New Year has been and gone
I cant quite believe we are in 2008
Im not in 2008,
Im so stuck in 1988
Or even before,
So twenty years wasted,
But what is time
time is a healer???
Is it fuck
Time is a reminder
Maybe it is,
Time is the enemy
Yes it is

Ive been tortured for days now
Ive had flashbacks for ever
Some of them are lasting for so long
Some of them are lasting too long
I could cope when they werent so long,
When they came in bits and bobs
But a full picture, a full episode
In a oner, im not coping with,
I decided to be an arse, buy some whizz
Im disgusted with myself
For not giving up, for not saying no
But i had to, i couldnt take no more
Or the images, the flashes, the pictures in my head
Ive tried to hide and run and spent all yesterday
Cuddled up in my bed,
But its not helping, they where still there
THERE TAKING OVER MY HEAD
So im gonna take some, forget for a while
And get on with my life
Get back to 2008,
Back to being, an adult, a mother and a wife

tired, tired, tired,

2007-12-28T00:18:00.001Z

God im so tired,
I cant sleep
He wont let me
Ive had sick kids
All week,
I dont need his sickness now
I cant take his torture
I cant handle the pain

I hate feeling shame
I hate feeling blame,
If i cant blame me
Who do i blame???

I read a letter today
Clever or wot
I cried a little
Though not with they thoughts
Ive never been praised as much
As i felt in one line
To think someone,
Thinks ill be fine

Its a good feeling
One i want to hold
But i cant im not aloud
And i do what im told
Im rambling rubbish
So im sorry for that

But its the only way
I can get rid of this and that
I dont want to hear
What he can say
My mp3 broke tonight,
So i need to listen to his shite,

I said today, that it helped me so much,
Got one more song, now its use is no such
They say he has no power
I say that shows it all
He wants to make sure i hear him
He wants to makes sure i know
What he is gonna do
To his stupid little hoe

Ramblings from my head

2007-12-15T15:43:00.000Z

Im so so tired,
Im exhausted
Im drained
Im hurting
Im sore
The reality
The shame

I want to go
Never return
Not be a daughter
Not be a mum
Get rid of the past
Get rid of it all
Be nothing
If i cant be it all

Help me escape
No matter what it takes
Take me away
To a place that im free
He is killing me slowley
Like he said he would
With his threats, his noise
His mouth of abuse

I shouldnt bad mouth
I shouldnt listen to others
They "didnt know me" he says
They "dont know you"
"youre evil" "your dirty"
comments on cue

Im trying to ignore
But for how long, how more
Im trying to disapear
But he will get me i fear
I need to run
Anway from it all
Or get so low
That i can not fall

But i know its true
And thats whats worse
Ill get through this
No matter what

So ill do the work,
Ill take the plunge
And pray he wont get me
Ill judge it then
What i need to do
Ill play by ear and waite and see
But ive had enough of all this shit
Or being a little girl, his little bit

Im scared
Im confused
But i know its needed
For me to have a break
I need to speak,
talk his talk,
i need to repeat
hes warned me not to,
but she assures me ill be fine
so im trusting her,
and no longer will i hide,

Just need to take big deep breaths

Im in a daze

2007-12-13T21:47:00.000Z

I dont know where i have been today,
Ive had 24hours or more of being afraid
Its been constant, solid, not with a break
What have i done to deserve this, fuck sake

Ive been scared so much
Ive just went away
Ive dissociated for all of the day

I feel numb now, shit now
What is the point
Of life, of living
When ive just been a toy

How could he tell me it was all about me
When know i realise that i shouldnt have believed
The reality of it all has hit me too hard
That i feel shame, ashamed, and sad

Why me, why me why did i have to be
Put with these people who wanted to use me
They told me im bad, they tell me it now
Naughty, dirty but loved, not a cow

Yet they didnt love me like they said
They werent thinking of me when they were in my bed
They were thinking of them, and what they could get
not me, not me or what they have left

Im angry at me for believing it all
for not seeing the truth for not knowing at all
I was never loved, not once by no one at all
So what was the point of me being here, to fall

Im scared and angry that now its all over
I need to believe that i was just there rover
there dog, there bitch there bit to use
There torture, there fun, there thing to abuse

Where was the love if it wasnt from him
It was no where, from no one,
Everyone was born to be loved,
Its a shame no one knew,
That i was so wrong that they just couldnt do

I must be the worst the worst the worst in the world
the terrible person i sometimes was told,
"Im doing it for you, because i love you"
"Dont tell anyone they would just be jeoulous"
Oh how fuckin stupid,
I should have listened to him, when he was drunk and angry
"I hate you, your naughty" "you deserve what you get"
"You can not tell or ill make you forget"
He has told me this all day, he has made me so scared,
Hes told me he will hurt me for doubting his love
I can not cope with the pressure he is putting on me
so im disapearing as much as i can

rock bottom

2007-11-27T20:37:00.000Z

ive finally done it,
its official
i thought id done it before,
but little did i know i hadnt
well ive done it now
ive hit it
ive really hit rock bottom,
when i stop doing things even for a second
there is only one thing i want to do
when i close my eyes theres only one person there
when i open them, he is still there,
i try not to hear, but its there
i try not to listen but i need too
i fear not doing it

Im exhausted ive hardly slept
i want to roll up into a ball and die
i wish i could do this, i really wish i could
things that keep me going, arent keeping me going anymore
im just trying to keep busy but not working now
i thought i was getting better then all this has happened,
i knew i wasnt better, i knew i had a lot of work to do
but i never for one minute thought i would end up in this sorry state
i see too much now, i dont want to see it,
i dont want to hear it,
but he wont leave me alone,
i cant cope with the torture for much longer,
will this ever stop, without me stopping,
how much longer do i go on trying before i give up???
how long is too long,
or not long enough
i dont know anymore,

where is everyone?????????????????

2007-11-20T13:34:00.000Z

when you need someone no one is near
when you shout someone no one can hear
yet when he stops you from talking
there everywhere,

do i want to find someone to stop me
or am i glad that no one can
its weird i make a promise
i keep my word

ive phoned, who else can i phone,
but no one is there, so i tried to keep my promise
havent i,
ive tried to keep my word and not do something "stupid"
yet its the least "stupid" thing to do,
one more person i can phone and then thats that,
no one can say i didnt try, no one can say i broke a promise,
no one can say i didnt keep my word,
because i have, i really bloody have,
what more can i do,
what can i do,
maybe it was always meant to be this way, and end this way,
i dont know, maybe just maybe a greater force is showing me what way it is i need to turn to next and we all know he aint a force to be reckoned with,
he aint a force to be messed with, he gets what he wants, no matter how he gets it,

this song

2007-11-20T12:03:00.000Z

My daughter has this song in her playlist,
i was listening to it today,
i was crying with it today
and i feel it is so true to how i feel
it is a kelly clarkson song, because of you"

Because of you
I never stray too far from the sidewalk
Because of you
I learned to play on the safe side so I don't get hurt
Because of you
I find it hard to trust not only me, but everyone around me
Because of you
I am afraid

I lose my way
And it's not too long before you point it out
I cannot cry
Because I know that's weakness in your eyes
I'm forced to fake
A smile, a laugh everyday of my life
My heart can't possibly break
When it wasn't even whole to start with

Because of you
I never stray too far from the sidewalk
Because of you
I learned to play on the safe side so I don't get hurt
Because of you
I find it hard to trust not only me, but everyone around me
Because of you
I am afraid

I watched you die
I heard you cry every night in your sleep
I was so young
You should have known better than to lean on me
You never thought of anyone else
You just saw your pain
And now I cry in the middle of the nightFor the same damn thing

how true, i do not trust, i do not love, i do not care and all i feel is fear
and it is only because of you, your friends and family,
why me??????????????????????????????

its been a while

2007-11-20T11:53:00.000Z

Its been a while since i wrote on this
why???
because when i write here, its real
I need to admit how bad things are
I truley dont know how ill make it through this,
im now plummiting to below rock bottom
though what can i do about it,

i want it all to end
I can see the long way and i can see the short cut
i just dont know which way to take
i know the short cut, is the cowards way out,
i know the long way is a road ive never travelled before,
maybe thats why i wasnt aware of how rocky it would be

I need to blame, i know i need to blame
i cant get passed this in my head, im stuck
i cant do it, how can i possible do it,
i need to talk to someone NOW, is that not always the way
I saw my hv yesterday and told her i was fine, and hashed round the houses,
as i do so so well

How can i do anything else,
can i really tell her i want to run away
i hate living this shitey existence every day
i fear for what is ahead, more so i fear what is behind
I was at the hospital last week, for a small procedure
And i have been so freaked out since then,
ive been a child more than an adult,
I fear everything, im jumping at the least wee thing,
I read an article last week, and the major jumpiness was noted in the article
which made me feel better but it didnt stop the jumping,

Im so highly strung, ive self harmed for the first time in so so long
i feel such a failure for doing it,
but i had to i was so so angry, with me, with that wee girl i am
that wee girl i once was, that gullable little tart that has made me so,
so i cut her, and let her bleed and felt her pain, and let her feel the pain,
the pain that i feel everyday, the sore that i feel everyday, though now i could
see it, it was there,
the shame i feel, the shame that i am, then i could see this too,
as there is nothing more shamefull than a cut leg, to make you feel worse,
and thats what i deserve, is it not,

he told me, that my psych thinks im as bad as him,
she told me she doesnt,
who do i believe, i know who i want to believe,
but how can i, when i need to believe everything he tells me
DO YOU KNOW WHAT HAPPENS IF YOU DONT????????

god im tired

2007-10-31T05:23:00.000Z

Why is it when im so tired i can never sleep
the powers that be make sure of that
Its so infuriating, so annoying
and pisses me off soo much,

Im tired, i feel sick
im just sick and tired of always being sick and tired,
Ive had enough of having enough

Big deep breaths needed
big brave deeo breaths
and ill get through another say,
ill get through today
and i can fight again
and breath again tomorow

cry cry cry

2007-10-28T22:01:00.000Z

Ive hid the day away,
ive wished the day away
i stayed in bed and slept the day away,

Why do i have to do this,
Im so so tired, i feel sick
Ive had enough of feeling shit,

I dont want to be near people,
I think they know
thay can see what ive been hiding
they will think im a ?????

I give out the vibe now
Theres no where to hide now
Ive told things and started the ball rolling
so ive to expect to get a public mauling

I know they are all disgusted
They think im dirty
But i try to be nice and try to be friendly
But why be friends with me???

The horrible, dirty, bad and naughty me
I wouldnt want to be my friend either
I wouldnt want to know me either,
so i blame no one, how can i?????

I feel pretty scared
But i need to go to bed
Ill put on the tunes
Try and block out my head,

When will i be a survivor and not one in the making???
Will it ever happen, will i ever be saved
can i handle the pain, the fear and the hurt
that might get me there?????????????????????????

i need to speak

2007-10-22T14:31:00.000+01:00

i must have said this same sentance a hundred times
i must have said it so much in the last week or two
I NEED TO SPEAK, I WANT TO SPEAK, I NEED TO SEE IF SPEAKING WILL EMPTY MY HEAD
I CANT HELP, MAYBE THERE COMES A TIME, IS THIS WHAT HAPPENS TO EVERYONE?????
DO THEY TELL IN BITS N BOBS, DO THEY SPEAK IN PUZZLES, DO THEY WORK ON BITS,
THEN BEFORE THEY CAN WORK ON ANYMORE THEY KNOW THEY NEED TO FINALLY SAY IT AND SAY IT ALL.............
BUT THEN WHAT, i know what you told me to say nothing, or i know what would happen ive lived to long like this, or ive existed too long like this, that without it ill never know, i know what you are saying to me just now, shhhhhhhhhhhhhh
but i cant im so so sorry, g, i just cant, do what you have too do, but its time that i need to, as my head feels like its gonna explode anytime soon, i know i can hear you tell me not to, but im trying to block you out, i can see what you are meaning
but ive been like this too long,
and no more is it just for me,

im sorry i cant, i just cant, im trying but ive tried and im so so sorry for betraying you, it doesnt mean im bad, its just what i need to do:

im devastated

2007-10-22T14:17:00.000+01:00

I cant believe im having to go off line
this pc has to go back to its owner and mine is still broke
i dont know how long ill be internetless for,
though i know ill never cope,
this IS A SAFE WAY TO COPE
I know that now, it is the safest way i know
How will i ever get rid of some of what is going on if i cant do this
How can i ever explain some of how i feel if i dont have this
Ill be left to self harm, hybernate and let it build up inside me
It may be short term or it may be for longer,
But ill never manage and ill never cope
This is the only way i know
My head is wasted as it is just now, and im scared
scared of what im going to hear next week
scared of what it is i have shared
but i need to hear it, i need to know and i need this to be more real
I need to talk, I NEED TO SAY/SPEAK AND VOCALISE
it all but ill be prepared for all that,
Ill take my music, ill take my cover to hide,
Ill take lots of deep breaths and ill try not to be too scared
Ill try to stay in the present when i talk of the past
I need to remember what age i am
Not let myself forget
people keep saying im safe now, yet ive never felt so unsafe in my life
im rememebering how scarey it really was and i need to remember that it shouldnt be now, but how can i do that
i try to explain that it isnt in the past it is so so much the hear and now
but people just dont understand that,
i always knew i was different, always knew i wasnt the same
maybe thats why no one understands me, why no one else hears
though i think they dont want to hear,
or dont want to admitt that they hear, maybe they do hear what he is saying
maybe they fear it too, but maybe they just cant accept it, or dont want to accept it
Im so scared that i will lose the plot without my internet
i was told today that millions live without it,
and i do not doubt that, but these same millions probably never had it
these same millions probably dont need it the way i do
im scared that it will be too hard,
im scared that im gonna give up,
though i have took some pills before and im still here, so that wont work next time
Im scared that ive said too much that he is just waiting
im so so stuck in a rut, waiting on him coming to get me, though he is torturing me and taking his time
though if i go and get him then he has won, ive saved him and ill never know
ohhh i dont know how ill manage or how ill cope though i do know it wont be easy
it wont be productive and no doubt it wont be safe,
i wish i didnt know, i wish i didnt have to waite, i wish i could hybernate.......

...

2007-10-18T02:40:00.000+01:00

i cant stop crying
maybe i need to cry
maybe the time has come to cry and stop trying to control it
but then im losing control of my body
and that aint good,
i havent updated things in a wee while,
i just havent felt strong enough to say what i feel
i havent felt strong enough to let my mind walk,
to let my fingers type what i should talk
but i suppose i should do it for some realise,
and it can only help, im just scared
i feel vulnerable,
i feel change is near
i cant really decide what way to take it
but i feel total fear
im sick of people telling me how well im doing
when i know it is bullshit, if they knew they wouldnt say that
people need to look past what i show, then maybe then they will truley know

Im so so scared to love, and i admitted that at last
so it feels a weight off my shoulders, pity i cant do same with the rest,
i know the love ive felt in the past, and it was sore, and scary and i cant give that to anyone else,
why cant anyone understand this,
this was love, this was the only true love i knew,
the only real love i know, he does love me, he did love me
he constantly tells me so, and he told me then what he does today
so please dont tell me to love anyone
maybe you have to learn to truley love yourself before you love anyone else
the trying not to love hurts me more, than loving ever would,
the numbing, the things im missing out on, the things i can not do
why do i have to get better, why couldnt i have continued to numb,
id have got there like many probably do and probably have
i cant believe ive spoken to people about this, said things i dont recall
what the fuck does that say about me,
how can i watch what im saying if i dont know what im saying
thats just not safe,
there were things i wasnt warned about, times when nothing was said,
or times when nice things were said like how much he loved me,
"im not hurting you, dont be silly, your my big girl now, you know how much i love you", "you know we both love you, thats why we want you here"
"your the special girl, the biggest specialist girl in the town"
"trust me silly cookie", "Dont worry i wont let them take you away, it can be our secret and you will be safe"
that doesnt sound like someone being evil, or someone being bad, that is someone who loves me, why is that wrong, why does that have to be wrong and everything else right, why can it not just be that yep that was the way, his way, there way because they loved me and as long as i never love anyone again ill be safe and they will be safe, i dont know why people cant understand that, its just better this way, its not what i want, no way, but its the only way i know, and i expect to much,
if i went to spain and someone had a whole conversation with me in spanish, i wouldnt have a clue, if someone translated it into english id be fine as thats all i know, this is the same,
maybe i need someone to translate for me
or maybe i need to learn bit by bit and do that myself,

and still it continues

2007-10-02T04:26:00.001+01:00

Well it is nearly 430am, not only have i not slept,
Ive not even ventured to my room
Im passed sleepy and im wide awake again
My head is full of things i need it not to be full of,
I was thinking earlier am i getting any better
flashbacks are still there,
its the same ones with a few new bits
they are getting no worse but are getting no better
the dreams, if and when i ever sleep are worse
the feeling in the pit of my stomache is so much worse
the self hatred/self loathing is as it should be so no change there
I was chatting to my hv today about anything of no importance
as thats what im good at
the want to die, the feeling of needing to die, the urge to die
is so so strong, im trying to busy myself so i dont feel or think
im trying to be numb and im dissociating as much as i can
I wanted to share that today when i was asked how i felt,
but how can I, How can I possible say that after last time,
What would that mean another letter to the gp,
Once bitten twice shy
I suppose the only time from now on any one will know the truth
about feeling like this, will be when i know ive made enough happy memories
And i succeed
Im getting there, im painting on fun for all, im creating happy memories
and hope that by the time i feel there are enough to look back on that maybe
I will want to make more, and not feel like this,
but i realised that i can write it down and i can talk around it
but untill i actually speak out loud what they done to me
what was said,
what i felt, how i hid it,
how i tried to show it
untill i vocalise all of this can i ever move on
i know ive talked about what happened
though i havent really openly discussed it,
I havent went into a session with my psych and initiated it
I havent detailed what i see, what i hear and untill i do
i can deny it, i dont own it and i am doing what is safe
I was not told if i wrote it down id die,
I was not told if i wrote it down i would be punished
I was not told if i wrote it down i would be disowned
I WAS TOLD THIS WOULD HAPPEN IF I SPOKE
so untill i speak i can never really know
Untill i test it i will always fear it
its ironic though as for the first time in 20+year i have been ready to speak
And i dont know that i will still feel this brave in 2weeks
I NEED TO TALK NOW
how fucked up is that ive had the chance a hundred time
with many chances to talk to my psych and now i want to
now i need to and now i so so have to do this and get rid of all this shit
AND I CANT
I never thought i would feel trust for her,
Never thought i would want to talk to her and
I certainly wouldnt have thought i would miss her
yet this is now turning into a major struggle
its funny how long 4weeks can feel yet a year ago
i would have lapped up a 4week break, thought nothing of it
i suppose there is just no justice

...........................

2007-09-30T11:26:00.000+01:00

dreams

2007-09-30T01:09:00.000+01:00

Why do my dreams have to be nightmares?
Why cant a have a dream?
Why cant i look to the future?
Why can i just see where ive been?

Ive had enough of thinking
Of dreaming the worst i can
Ive had enough of sinking
Depair and depair in despair,

Im sad and lonely and scared
And i want to go to bed
But how can i possible
With all this crap in my head

God I hate the fear
The voice, that voice i hear
I hate the feeling in my stomache
The feeling he is always near

Help me god get through tonight
Tomoro maybe ill fight
I doubt it god,
But maybe you can help me tomoro
TOO

having enough,
head full of this
Need to talk
finally get rid
Maybe if i speak it
It will finally go
Maybe if i speak the memories
Oh god, i dont know

MY HEAD: Whats in it???

2007-09-25T12:20:00.000+01:00

My head is mush........
ive tried so much to tell you whats in it
But i cant, i try
I try so so much
so this is probably the easiest way,
Ive written on here so much the last day or two
But then it is easier for me, and everyone else this way
I feel so so sick with the shit thats going on in my head,
The flashbacks are haunting me,
They are taking over every minute, every moment and it is not good,
Im trying not to let them take over, but getting no where,
Ive tried my flashcards, tried to flick my wrist,
Not tried the smelling salts as ive ran out,
But im trying everything else ,everything i know of and getting no where
I feel sick to the stomache with it all
I feel dirty and disgusted with the things i can see, feel, smell and experience,
I feel scared by the voice i hear, telling me how dirty i am,
how awfull i am
how bad i am,
yet other people tell me im caring and im nice and im good and im a good mum
yet he tells me ill never be a good person, ill never be good, ill never be clean
i get what i want, what i ask for and what i dont stop
I try to stop it but i cant, i dont know how to
Im numb with fear when he comes near me, so how can i stop it....
I love him, of course i do, but then you love family dont you, you have no choice,
I want to run away and i want to finish it all now,
I have ideas, of course i do, but then how can i do that, how can i make sure people are ok if im not here to do that,
So im confused, half the time im thinking im four,five maybe even six and i feel so scared that i want it over then the other half the time im here, in the here and now and i know how to make it over but then im a mum, and a good mum would love her kids, not let them grow up to feel the way i do now, and my kids will only grew up screwed up if i left them now, but will they grew up screwed up if i stay anyway who knows??????????
The pit of my stomache feels sick and i just want to lie in a corner and cry and cry and cry, does that make me such a bad person???? Does that make me selfish or sarcastic or lazy or a bitch????
I want to scream and tell people how much im hurting, how scared i am, how much i fear to live like this for much longer, But i cant thats not what im like, i dont like to admit how i feel,
I wish you were my mum sometimes, but then you know that, as you wouldnt have let this happen, you wouldnt have left me and even if it had have happened then now when i feel like this you would give me a cuddle and make it all better as if you were my mum then i wouldnt repulse you, would i???not the way i do with everyone else, i try to make sure the house is clean and im clean and the kids are clean, but the dirt inside cant be washed no matter how much bleach i use, can it???
god this probably has just made you think ive lost it so much more, maybe i have i dunno,
All i know is that this is what is in my head now, right now, and i need to be free from it, even if just for a day or two,

im still here.......

2007-09-25T09:32:00.000+01:00

Cant quite believe im still here.....
I honestly thought he would have taken me last night
Im gutted that im still here,
But i suppose i shouldnt be so stupid,
WHY WOULD HE TAKE ME
When he knows thats what i want
I know he says he only done what i wanted,
Ive asked and made sure he know that i wanted to go
And nope im still here, so does that mean he doesnt just do what i want
He does and done what he wanted?????
Surely then that would mean there was no love
If he didnt love me, then it makes it all wrong,
I cant cope with that, with wrong,i cant cope with him being bad,
Me not being bad, i cant cope with that either,
I have to be bad, i have to be in the wrong, or everything i know is wrong,
And that just is not good,
i gave him the chance last night, to prove he only does what i want
saying that i didnt really want to go, doesnt prove nothing
Only i know that, only i know wether i truley do or dont,
I KNOW i dont want him in my life anymore, in my head, talking to me,
but he is still there, so he doesnt just do what i want.....
I need someone to help me and help me soon as im slipping into the hole
the pit and ive lost the grip with my finger tips, the grip has went
So i will ask again, and again and when he allows it, then he will do as he needs
WONT HE, OR WILL HE???????????????????
I need to leave this world behind and hopefully keep a watchfull eye over all that matter from afar.
But im so so scared, if it is taken out my hand and he does it for me, makes it happen then it will be so so much easier on everyone else,
But that just aint gonna happen, is it??
Am i kidding myself thinking he has this power????
But if i am, then what does all this mean,
I cant block him out, yet i cant listen to him allways,
when he says such horrible things,
I know im not a nice girl, i know i wanted it,
he doesnt have to tell me this all the time, it doesnt change anything
so it is pointless, aint it???
or is it???
Im so confused, wish i was here alone, then i could do what was needed,
I have to think of everyone else all the time, and if i was a selfish lazy bitch like somepeople believe i would have went by now, ran or done,
i cant believe im still here, but i am, so i need to just sort it, get on with this as this is obviously what im going to be left with, isnt it

god almighty can i go on much more

2007-09-24T17:10:00.000+01:00

You know i swear there is a force
It is out to get me and it is doing such a god job that it will win soon
I feel so so crap,
I had my hv over today, what would i do without this women I truly dont know
Sometimes i see her like a confident, a mum, a gaurdian angel,
Sometimes i see her as hell as i keep my word to her then im here aint i
Going through hell everyday, so if she cared she wouldnt want that,
God i dont know
I was ready to talk and to tell her how mad i felt, how bad i felt, how much the stories in the paper, in the magazines are freaking me out,
Ill never live if it comes out, not like this,
Ive tried to think of it as coincidence, but how can I
the place is the same the time is the same, surely that cant be coincidence
surely surely not,
Im so scared to go on thinking anymore
I wanted to talk today, god i truley did,
But the forces work against me, they always do,
I know im not meant to talk, but maybe i need to, maybe someone somewhere, sometime
I just have too,
I cant waite another week, how can I?
Will i even be here in a week?
The touching me in my sleep, the touching me when im awake
The torturing my mind, traumitizing me when im trying to take out my kids
Its not fair anymore, Im keeping him alive, thats what they tell me, without me there would be no him, so why am i staying, why am I allowing him to go on,
If i had the courage to heal, id have the courage to end it all
In that id be healing me, helping my hv and psych move on in there lives
without worrying of me,
Helping my kids have the life they deserve getting to nursery, swimming, skating, softplay, toys in the house, toys over running the house, messy play, anyplay, but they would be getting what they want and need and they would get all that without me,
I would get peace, serenity, and what else do i need and he would get destroyed
once and for all he would be over, ended and forgot about
As if im the only thing keeping him alive then WHY???
He is the only thing keeping me here in this sory state too,
So without him, would mean without me, but it would mean safety for everyone else
Im so confused, ive never felt so scared and confused for so long
They do really know, they bloody well do,
How could they, i really want more now than ever before, hv or psych to walk in here
and give me a cuddle like im not dirt im not shit but im scared im alone and im a little girl just needing a mum or someone to care, is that so so much to ask,
IS IT SO SO HARD TO ASK
i know beurocracy has gone mad in the world we live in, workers protect themseles again and again, but is that really all it is, or am i so so repulsive,
I am I know I am,
id be so better off in no where, i dont deserve heaven nor hell,. though nothing would be fine, im used to numb and nothing and i can cope with that
anyone who reads this and knows where Im at, then i truley am sorry for you
Anyone who reads this and knows where im going, then im sorry for you too, sorry i couldnt stick around and change the path
x.x.x
thanks

2007-09-18T09:47:00.000+01:00

Fergie - Big Girls Don't Cry lyrics
Fergie - Big Girls Don't Cry lyrics

it seemed like so far away....then its gone

2007-09-13T01:49:00.000+01:00

I cant believe today has been and gone,
today is the day that was decided on some time ago as d-day
My final appointment, the end of my journey
Yet sitting here now it feels like the beginning of the journey,
Tomoro i should have been going on a holiday, Sunday i should have been celebrating
HOW CAN I????
Holiday was cancelled, my birthday is partially cancelled,
The extended family are all out of speaking with me, and liking me
So no cards from them, my hubbie doesnt have to bother as i treated myself and told him not too
And who else will there be
I dont want a fuss as i dont want to think
Another year wasted, another year stolen, another year of UNCONDITIONAL love on my side
NO ONE ELSES
Another year of being controlled, another year of no control
Another year of fear, tears and scared little me
So why go through it, why celebrate it, Ill get the visit or two
From those that really care, those that see my pain and support me regardless
The rest aint worth it,
I still cant believe the things i was told today, just made me analyse and think tonight,
Is that why today was to be the end??? to enable them to go no bother.
I feel fearfull that the one day will go to no day soon and then, yep he was right,
NEXT TO GO
all afternoon he told me how bad i was, how much she didnt care about me, thats why she said the lies she did, How much i did want it, so why deny it, why allow lies to be printed by saying it was for him that i wanted to belive that, he knew it was me that wanted it, he told me so
I dont know head is a pile of mush but hey better than worse i suppose

scared.........alone.........sad...........

2007-09-06T01:36:00.000+01:00

I dont know how i feel,
Im tired
But im wide awake,
There is no way ill sleep tonight now
Its so annoying and so infuriating
Im getting really scared,
Scared of what the next week will bring
Scared that when the time comes to talk more
Ill not be able too
Scared ill always feel scared
Scared to change from all i know
I feel like im making a move
Im accepting things more,
Im accepting that whats happened, happened
And me staying silent, protects lots
but it changes nothing
So thats good, thats a change at least
I cant except im not to blame
I want too, i need too and i have too
for my sake, for sanity and for a point in life
BUT I CANT
I cant erase 20+ years of thoughts, though im trying
I cant ignore what he is saying, ive tried and it just makes him say more
I cant betray and i cant risk
Ive been on a journey for ages now
Its not been an easy journey,
And its really only beginning,
There are lots ahead, but i need to face it
I NEED TO TAKE THIS JOURNEY
or the hurt, the fear, the upset, the shit ive felt so far
have been for nothing
I really want to go to sleep
But i cant
I tried NO CHEMICALS, but still the flashbacks,
I felt more sad, more scared, more panicked and more suicidal
But i tried and i will try,
Ive felt like writing things down, but i dont know what to write
I never used to think what i wrote, but now i feel i need to think
If there is a structure to the writing it serves purpose,
So ive just not written, though at least the next time i need to talk
There is a baseline to start at already
Im glad i done that as i probably would do little, or as little as allowed
And that just hurts me more, angers me more, and makes me pissed off at myself
Im waffling now, waffling rubbish,
Wish i could let my head go on holiday, it needs it,
The confusion, betrayal and fear inside me is so much that my head feels ready to burst
Hey if only,
Its weird how when you feel like you are ready, you feel you have started to talk and you feel real, REAL trust for the first time ever, it feels like forever before you can speak again,
yet when you dont want to talk and you are struggling to trust the time goes by so much quicker,
I really need this next week to go in quicker than the last
Or maybe my head will explode,

DRUGS

2007-08-28T23:23:00.000+01:00

"cause the drugs dont work they just make you worse
but i know ill see your face again...."

they may not work but temporary relief and some control is better than nothing
please get out my head, please

im going for a record

2007-08-28T23:16:00.000+01:00

Im going for a record the longest awake state ever
Or it feels it
I felt so so drained earlier, now i feel wide awake again
Its because its nighttime,
Its because it is dark
Im scared
Im aware
Im stupid
Im not here
Im there
Im over here
Help me please
Save me please....

I am trying so hard
And today feels like it was worth it
But then tonight im getting tortured
And i jut feel like shit
Im trying to get something back
But i cant, ive tried
Ive had enough, Im wacked!!!
Please help me, I trust you to do so
I dont deserve the time thats invested
I dont deserve to be heard and be listened
But i NEED it, i need me now,
Im trying to be angry
But i cant
How can I,
Its not allowed
Im believeing what you tell me
As much as i can, as much as im allowed
But thats not much
Why cant you hear him, why cant you listen
He said because you dont believe us
But if you dont I have nothing.

omg i aint even been to sleep

2007-08-28T06:15:00.000+01:00

I didnt realise how late/early it was till my kids woke up
God only knows how i passed the night
I was on the net and going from one page to the next
Have toothache, though it isnt as bad as it was
But its a great excuse for not going to bed
Will i ever get back to sleeping like a
NORMAL PERSON
again, ever again, doubt it
Ive been scared to write on here for last few days
Scared what id say, what i wouldnt
so i avoided it at all costs,
though now i suppose i feel i need to
I need to re-ground myself and prepare for another bloody day
This is so awfull
Only 12-13hours til the kids are back in bed
So only that amount of time to function
Ive taken a panic attack already and they have only been awake for half an hour
They are not misbehaving,
Just my head that is, god im all over the place
Breath.....for god sake breath you stupid cow,
Im so trying, though i wonder if it is worth the effort sometime
A long long day ahead with a diet of cigs n tea to keep me, me
Keep me sane, or as sane as can be
With me that is not really that sane
This is the 70th post i have made on here,
I could make a book with this soon
Give someone a laugh
I wonder if i will ever make it to post 100
Probably not,
I wonder if ill make it to 7o clock the way i feel right now
Yep, I know im a stupid cow, but im trying so very very hard,
Im really trying, it just im so trapped, so stuck and so god damn scared
ohh i really need to go to sleep,
BIG TIME, forever and a day would be good......

Now the end is near its time to face my final curtain

2007-08-23T00:16:00.000+01:00

Only i never done it all my way
but i can do some things my way
Im scared yet calm
I cant believe how numb to the ones i love ive become
Im slowly switiching off my feelings to them
Im slowly switching off my hurt for them
Im slowly switching off the guilt i feel
for leaving them to deal
And when the buttons all go off they will be free
And so will i
Free from thought free from pain
to live a life in purgatory
x.x.x