I'm fine

I'm fine

Wednesday, 1 March 2017

Just keep breathing

Just breath....
It's all you can do is breath,
Don't let them win now,
Why can't you quiet the loud

The struggle is real
What's the deal
I hate the way you are making me feel
I don't want to be your secret no more
I can't be 5, 6,7 or 8  and i can't be your whore, I can't I hate

I'm sorry to say this
I know you will be pissed 
But I cant live 
If this is how it is
I've listened for years to you 
Inside my head 
But now it's so different I just wish I was dead
I hate the way that I have no control
I'm empty I've lost my very soul 

Friday, 24 February 2017

First in a long time

It's been so long since I posted
So long since I've blogged
Forgot how to write it down
Forgot it was good to keep it logged

Life is so different now
I've moved country for start which was good
My babies are not babies anymore
But it some sense life is just as poor

Had the most awful year
With arseholes breaking me down
Putting me back to where I was
They will only be happy when I'm in the ground

They have took me out my comfort zone
They have brought it all up again
They have made me fear of everyone knowing
And have me living there in the past again.

I listen to their words, I read the stuff
And it kills me to the core
They will never be happy til they destroy me
I'm sure they too think I'm just a whore

How "family" can use such a thing against you
And hold you to ransom and In line
Is something I will never understand nor something I'd ever do to mine

To threaten to tell people of your past
Confirms they believe it was me
When I thought that life was over
And now it's all I hear, feel and see

I'd love to say fuck you I don't care
But I don't want people to know

That "you" were meant to care for me
 But I was really just your little hoe
I wish you had died when they say you did
Is it me who is keeping you alive? Will you die when I do. Will it take that for your power to go,
I don't know

I can't relive this all again
And I can't just breath it gone
I can't switch off the constant noise
And I hate what i want to do
I hate that I have no life no voice
And I can't just blame you

Life was going great, the move had changed my life
Then you decided to rake it up And set me into strife
Reawakened everything that I fought so hard to go
Yet again I'm 5 year old his special little hoe

Saturday, 6 July 2013

not being where i thought i was

spent most afternoon and evening flitting between now and then, then and now, and I'm not liking it at all
I want this all to stop and I'll do no matter what
I am a failure, a complete failure

people who care think by making me do this on my own I could do it oh how wrong, this shit just shouldn't b done alone
with no drugs or alcohol to numb me to the bone

I need help I don't want to do it alone 
never felt so inadequate insecure or scared
just support me now I'm getting scared

Wednesday, 5 June 2013

freaking the fuck out

Monday, 22 April 2013


this is the worst feeling ever
i have that rollercoaster in my belly
i feel like its been forever
and my legs now feel like jelly
i want this all to end now
i cant stand people thinking in a cow
i hate that i feel like i want to die
i hate that in fighting with my head
i hate that i want to.run goodbye
i pray to god to let me just go to bed
i feel like i want to punch and kick
shout and scream
but what's the point, i need to watch how in seen
i want to phone the psychs and plead them to help
as the fear i have of killing myself is killing me keeping it to my self
in fighting it, trying to stop it and not giving in
but it still wont leave me to sleep
i feel itchy, agitated, fidgety, scared, stomache like a rollercoaster head like a round about and i just want my bed
but at the same time i want to be dead,
someone please help me live
i have so much i want to give
i don't want this feeling i don't want to die
i want to live and i want to try but the urge is so strong in scared ill die, xxx help.x

Saturday, 20 April 2013

a mess

i want to die
i want to cry
i want you to.help me
i don't know why
i can not cope
i can not see
but i know what they bastards have done to me
i know i am dirty, skanky, tarred wee cow
but please take me for now
i am 33 and feel six
i just want a hug and to stop feeling sick
i fear you think i am a total twat
in not in scared of all that
of life without flashbacks and being a whore
will have a point or no purpose no more
help me, see me as i really am
N not.the product of this sick fuckin man
cuddle me, protect me and give a damn
like no other has not even my man xxx
if i don't suceed and beat this beast
just do them proud and teach them well
make them appreciate north,south,west and east
how lucky they are even though im deacesed
love u girls your honery aunties will take care of you xxxxxxx

Wednesday, 9 January 2013

I don't want to feel this way

I want to feel happy
 I want to feel real
 I don't want to feel sad
 yet I should be happy to feel

 I hate that the cutting
 somehow stops the pain
 frees my mind and hides his name

 I can't do these flashbacks no more
 I can't see me there, his little whore
I'm sick in my stomach from pretending it's good
 nothing will remove that no matter how much food

 I hate this still happening
 it should be well gone now
 but even with the flash carwe
 when on my own don't know how

 I have no one to turn too
 I'm scared they get bored
 of the same old, same old, same old

 my husband left me
walked out on us all
 people kept saying I should have a ball
 how could I, without the only man who knows
 I felt sad and scared
 but much to prove,
now he has came back I don't know what to do
 I look at it with hate in my heart from what he done
 he left me to rot to fail to be a mother on my own
 now I'm scared to love him again
 to trust him like I've never trust men
 I'm scared he has lied and cheated to me
  scared he will do it again, we will see

 for now I'm stuck, stuck in this place
 wanting to die, to cut or be numb
 wanting to think, without feeling a whore
 wanting to live without fear outside the door
 wanting to be normal, wanting to be sane
 but that's never gonna happen,
never gonna be
 I'm a whore I'm dirty and that's just me...

Tuesday, 8 May 2012

hate feeling so let down

no one got back to me, makes me feel so stupid,
i dont know how to get my kidsto school tomoro
i have money to pay just no one to take it,
i feel like the worst mum in the world as im hoping they wake withmeasles or something

I feel so so alone,
My hubbiewho i love so so much,
is being so weird, so rude and so quiet,
when we should be getting on having a riot
he is playing with my head andhe knows it,
makes me sad how open he shows it
I love him more than you could ever believe,
i just wonder if he feels the same,
for now he couldnt make it planer
that he hates me and i dont blame him,
i try so hard, i just dont know
i wander whats the point, but deep down i know

ive stopped my meds to make him feel better
hope he feels prouder of a wife on no meds,
hope he wont look at mewith the look of dred
we have so much to live for, we have so much to give,
thats why i dont get him being a dick,

but things that you say at 20, 23, slide on, fuck off
not acceptable to me
i love you more, i love him more, i love my man
just open up and prove to me we can,

Wednesday, 29 February 2012

theres only one J.S

I cant do this wthout you,
you would sort it
sort me and sort everything
love n miss u so much,
your retired now, whats the problem if not me?
J you know im your shining star but i cant shine without you


Saturday, 18 February 2012

fuck me how long does it take!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Had a great night or is that a "great " night," im freaaked out this week has meaning that i need to find out what it is,phoned nhs24 to speak to cpn, im triaged someone will phone iwithin 3 hours rhen mentaL HEakth an hour later, this whole fkn shotty system is crap, i couldbe dead (or asllep) by then,  an y eyes are shut the,ucpondingso phone on vibratehour in and im starting to feel so so so so worse, byut tonight was make o r break, i made, but this is ridicoulous, to be clingingon to a phone pleasding it to ring rather go hang yourseld is pathetic, ththink i pissed the call handler off by telling her nowt,but look at my notes cow, i have to writethis down incase anything happens, so people know how shit the system is,

About Me

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Im a young(ish) women who is slowly learning to survive, who is taking a journey into the past in order to gain a future.