couldnt do xmas card this year so ive done a new year one instead,
you prob dont even read this anymore adn dont give a fuck
but i had to write this,
i have my blanket, im safe just now,
im going to get some pics of girls then ill forward your card,
i couldnt reply to your last letter as it killed me to the core,
but then im sure we both knew that,
what have i done so wrong that im still stuck here,
the sad thingis you are the only one that can help,i know that but your gone now
M is brilliant, but she doesnt get me like you did, im sure she is gonna give up on me soon,
i pray im wrong but i feel it, my girls willmake you so proud, i know that, i will makeyou ashamed as im a mess,
if you are reading this, then you know who its meant for, get in that time machine, grab some jelly tots n come get me please,x,x,x,x Ill never know if you have read this think thats worse, but i had to write it,i had to whilei still had time, x,x,x

i really im trying i promise i am

but what is the fuckin point, my girls, deserve better
my husband deserves better
what tramp and whore would give it away like i did,
i hate this memory,
i hate the feeling of my skin crawling
of the touch
the smell,
the fear,
hate it all
i just want it over now, no more painting a smile, ive set a date in my head, its a nonsignafacance date for everyone i know and if its no better by then then i apoligise in advance to the stranraer train driver,itwas/is nothing against you, its just me,

this shouldnt be this way

things shouldnt still feel this bad,
they shouldnt be as bad as this,
this is horriffic,
i feel sick
i want to die, but i want to live
i just want to live and be alive,
i have the greatest gift from god in my children
people think im selfish,
im not selfish
i dont want to leave them, i just dont want to be with them like this
i want to cry, but i cant do that,

things are getting darker and harder, WHY IS THIS
i want to be happy, i dont wake in the morning and say, lets feel shit again,
think people need toget that thought through there head
i dont WANT NOR TRY to feel like this,

my kids are walking on egg shells, my husband just looks at me now like he has had enough
how the fuck do they all think i feel,
i dont want to want to die
i dont want all these people in and out our life


i wish i had a wand, i cant trust anyone anymore,
think people have had enough of me,
i just want to feel better, i just want to becuddled to sleep,
and to sleep for a day, i want to cry, i want to die,
but i need to live,

help me

please someone help me
im all set to run, dont know where to go or when to stop,
they are all tucked up in bed, unaware,
i dont know what to do or how to get there

please someone help me,

just

im just holding on by the skin on my teeth and no more
im just holding on to save all the grief and no more,
i can t think of anything else but dying
i cant bear the thought of my girls crying,
but i cant bear the idea of my screwing them up either
im stuck in a life i can not live
being a wife i can not be
having thoughts i dont want to have
seeing images i dont want to see
i need this to be over now,
i thought it was
i need this to be over now
i pray to god,
please help me, please, please help me

fuck

whats happening, this is all a mess,
i cant stay where i am,
i cant stop going where i dont want to,
i just want to sleep ffs
music thumping, feet all over the place and biting my lip, gum etc all still happening
my feet are so so sore with rubbing them together,
i think this is it,
i wonder
who fkn knows
but this is not good, somewhat mental, feel like everything is going 100mph,
i feel the adrenilin move under my skin
music is all i need
i dont really care
is this really as good as it gets,
lets see what tomoro brings, its at least worth that,
its wednesday its allowed i think,
why do i feel five, i dont wanna feel so young anymore, i want my big people eyes, please,

thankyou

just went into somewhere i had no need to be, somewhere i had no thought of, somewhere i was sure id looked a hundred times and found my blankie, my blanket, my invisible cloak, ive looked for it for nearly a year and im really finding it weird as to where it was and why it was there but never mindi have it the one time i need it more than ever ever before,
so whatever, however and whyever i went there thanks, i feel safe again and best of all i found it at 4 o clock today, how weird is that, only me knows why, but it feels so safe tonight now, hope it lasts til morning, please god

ooooffffffffffffffffffftttttttttttttt

How did i get here,
How ever did i get back here,
Im sat at 12.40am with music thumping into my ears
i need to listen to the music to stop the thoughts racing,
music will give me something to concentrate on,
My stomach feels like im on a rollercoaster and i dont like it one little bit

Please please just go away and leave me alone,
i cant take much more of the noise, the frantic, scarey, horrid noise,
I cant cope much more with the things you say
please just go away
i thought it was getting better but you are defo here to stay

the music isnt working, the typing isnt working, my feet are all over the place

the wallls are coming in on me, i need to get out of here,
i dont know where to go, i dont know which path im meant to take

i wish you would just tell me, if you tell me ill listen
i promise ill listen, i always listen, you know i listen,

Im sorry for everything, im sorry for telling, ill never tell or talk anymore,
i promise i wont but please just leave me alone, i am scared and sore and feel sick and tired i need to sleep but i cant sleep what if you come back in, i want to know when to breath in, when to disapear, i dont want to have to disapear after you are here so i need to stay awake to see you, hear you, know you are coming to get me, im so so so sorry if i make you mad or sad, i dont want to or mean to ,

please just let me sleep andleave me alone, i need to be left alone for one night, for everynight,
i need to turn the music up, as the thoughts are still racing, the thinking is still there,im tired, the music will get me through if nothing else, maybe if i open my eyes it will get easier then again maybe it wont, if i keep them closed i can switch some of it off but then im not grounding myself,my poor band has lost its ping,

Arghhhh

I just want to feel happy
not sad
i want to feel gratefull
and glad
i want to feel something
inside
not just empty and wanna
hide

i hate this everyday
the feelings im scared to say
this wasmeant to be over
meant to be done,
but i cant end it, it cant be done
i want to scream and want to run
i want to hide i want to cry
please someone help me
i miss someone so good to me
and i need to prove i can do this for her now, not me,
i need to show her im all "cured"
but i cant when i dont feel pure

I hurt inside when i dont want to
i still see things that i cant deal with
for fuck sake ive had enough now
leave me alone you had your cut now

Am i asking to much to be normal
to be safe, to be loved to be normal
to take my kids out without feeling scared
to sit in an untidy house without feeling sick
seeing toys without freaking out
hearing noise without blocking out

i just wanna be normal for my kids
to love the like a mother should,
to let them make mistakes
to let them play and fight
to let them wear silly clothes,
nighties, sk0irts with no tights,
i cant look after them,
i cant do nothing right

im so so upset
so misunderstood
i cant take the put downs i hear or the ones in my head
im really really trying when all else is said
but im not doing best, not doing as i could
so maybe im not worth the doing i should
maybe im an arsehole and god is just telling
he made a mistake when he gave me my blessings

is this is a shift!!!!

I really shouldnt be sitting on here just now as i should be getting ready to take my girls to school,
but i cant move today
something really strange has happened,
i think theres been a shift,
i think something inside me has changed,
but omg i dont know if i like it,
i want to stand up and scream and shout, i want to shout to the world what i went through
i want to punish every one of them,
when i next see one of them in town or at the shops i might well go up and tell him to watch his back, i feel brave or angry i dont know,
it scares me this new sense of whatever it is,
i want the world to know that these bastards violated everything i had,
i want the world to make sure they do it to no one else
i want to kill them, string them up and punish them first,
I wonder how much they would enjoy feeling like they were going to die daily,
i wonder how they would feel being raped, beaten and then blamed,
i wonder how they would feel being humilated
bathed and scrubbed as though i was dirty, how would you like that when you were sore and scared

FUCKIN BASTARDS NEED FUCKIN SHOT
AND I THINK IM READY TO DO THAT NOW
ive never felt the way i feel today and omg im scared, a voice inside is telling me im wrong, i was the bad one, not them, i need to stop thinking otherwise, i cant tell anyone or i might have to be sent away to live, but im sick of that voice, its never helped in the past so WHY LISTEN NOW

im so so so scared as the feeling in my stomache is like an urge to do something,
i nearly wrote on fbook ............ was raped and beaten by a gang of paedophiles while growing up many of whom where family members, but they dont rule me anymore and i am not ashamed,
but i changed my mind to .......... has lost her marbles as thats kinds how it feels to be feeling like this, maybe i have lost my marbles or maybe i have found them!!!

god only knows,