I'm fine

I'm fine

Friday, 14 April 2017

When all else fails disappear with your cloak of invisibility 😉 I'm sure induced dissociation would be heavy frowned upon but better to go for an hour than forever?

Goodbye noise


No words left, no words needed, I am done.



I fight so hard to live
Fight daily to survive
Fight in secret to breathe
Fight in secret to be alive
Smile my way through each day
So my loved ones don't need to pay
Exist an existence of pretence
Time has come to end???
I hear him tell me it's a sign...

Prove he is wrong for once
This isn't the only way it's to be done



Thursday, 30 March 2017

Suicide is it really a choice ?


It's not a choice
For many it's an only option
It's not lonely when your dead
It's not scary when your dead
It doesn't matter who believes you when your dead
No one can get in your head when your dead
You are in control of dying
You are in control of living
So why does existing feel so out of control

Wednesday, 1 March 2017

Just keep breathing

Breath...
Just breath....
It's all you can do is breath,
Don't let them win now,
Why can't you quiet the loud

The struggle is real
What's the deal
I hate the way you are making me feel
I don't want to be your secret no more
I can't be 5, 6,7 or 8  and i can't be your whore, I can't I hate

I'm sorry to say this
I know you will be pissed 
But I cant live 
If this is how it is
I've listened for years to you 
Inside my head 
But now it's so different I just wish I was dead
I hate the way that I have no control
I'm empty I've lost my very soul 


Friday, 24 February 2017

First in a long time


It's been so long since I posted
So long since I've blogged
Forgot how to write it down
Forgot it was good to keep it logged

Life is so different now
I've moved country for start which was good
My babies are not babies anymore
But it some sense life is just as poor

Had the most awful year
With arseholes breaking me down
Putting me back to where I was
They will only be happy when I'm in the ground

They have took me out my comfort zone
They have brought it all up again
They have made me fear of everyone knowing
And have me living there in the past again.

I listen to their words, I read the stuff
And it kills me to the core
They will never be happy til they destroy me
I'm sure they too think I'm just a whore

How "family" can use such a thing against you
And hold you to ransom and In line
Is something I will never understand nor something I'd ever do to mine

To threaten to tell people of your past
Confirms they believe it was me
When I thought that life was over
And now it's all I hear, feel and see

I'd love to say fuck you I don't care
But I don't want people to know

That "you" were meant to care for me
 But I was really just your little hoe
I wish you had died when they say you did
Is it me who is keeping you alive? Will you die when I do. Will it take that for your power to go,
I don't know

I can't relive this all again
And I can't just breath it gone
I can't switch off the constant noise
And I hate what i want to do
I hate that I have no life no voice
And I can't just blame you

Life was going great, the move had changed my life
Then you decided to rake it up And set me into strife
Reawakened everything that I fought so hard to go
Yet again I'm 5 year old his special little hoe

Saturday, 6 July 2013

not being where i thought i was

spent most afternoon and evening flitting between now and then, then and now, and I'm not liking it at all
I want this all to stop and I'll do no matter what
I am a failure, a complete failure


people who care think by making me do this on my own I could do it oh how wrong, this shit just shouldn't b done alone
with no drugs or alcohol to numb me to the bone

I need help I don't want to do it alone 
never felt so inadequate insecure or scared
just support me now I'm getting scared

Wednesday, 5 June 2013

freaking the fuck out

Monday, 22 April 2013

scared

this is the worst feeling ever
i have that rollercoaster in my belly
i feel like its been forever
and my legs now feel like jelly
i want this all to end now
i cant stand people thinking in a cow
i hate that i feel like i want to die
i hate that in fighting with my head
i hate that i want to.run goodbye
i pray to god to let me just go to bed
i feel like i want to punch and kick
shout and scream
but what's the point, i need to watch how in seen
i want to phone the psychs and plead them to help
as the fear i have of killing myself is killing me keeping it to my self
in fighting it, trying to stop it and not giving in
but it still wont leave me to sleep
i feel itchy, agitated, fidgety, scared, stomache like a rollercoaster head like a round about and i just want my bed
but at the same time i want to be dead,
someone please help me live
i have so much i want to give
i don't want this feeling i don't want to die
i want to live and i want to try but the urge is so strong in scared ill die, xxx help.x

Saturday, 20 April 2013

a mess

i want to die
i want to cry
i want you to.help me
i don't know why
i can not cope
i can not see
but i know what they bastards have done to me
i know i am dirty, skanky, tarred wee cow
but please take me for now
i am 33 and feel six
i just want a hug and to stop feeling sick
i fear you think i am a total twat
in not in scared of all that
of life without flashbacks and being a whore
will have a point or no purpose no more
help me, see me as i really am
N not.the product of this sick fuckin man
cuddle me, protect me and give a damn
like no other has not even my man xxx
if i don't suceed and beat this beast
just do them proud and teach them well
make them appreciate north,south,west and east
how lucky they are even though im deacesed
love u girls your honery aunties will take care of you xxxxxxx

About Me

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Im a women who is slowly learning to survive, who is taking a journey into the past in order to gain a future. I have ptsd, bpd and suicidal ideation. I often wander if i would have any of that if it wasn't for the mess, the past.