hate feeling so let down

no one got back to me, makes me feel so stupid,
i dont know how to get my kidsto school tomoro
i have money to pay just no one to take it,
i feel like the worst mum in the world as im hoping they wake withmeasles or something

I feel so so alone,
My hubbiewho i love so so much,
is being so weird, so rude and so quiet,
when we should be getting on having a riot
he is playing with my head andhe knows it,
makes me sad how open he shows it
I love him more than you could ever believe,
i just wonder if he feels the same,
for now he couldnt make it planer
that he hates me and i dont blame him,
i try so hard, i just dont know
i wander whats the point, but deep down i know

ive stopped my meds to make him feel better
hope he feels prouder of a wife on no meds,
hope he wont look at mewith the look of dred
we have so much to live for, we have so much to give,
thats why i dont get him being a dick,

but things that you say at 20, 23, slide on, fuck off
not acceptable to me
i love you more, i love him more, i love my man
just open up and prove to me we can,
,x,x,x,

theres only one J.S

I cant do this wthout you,
you would sort it
sort me and sort everything
love n miss u so much,
your retired now, whats the problem if not me?
J you know im your shining star but i cant shine without you

JELLY TOTS

fuck me how long does it take!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Had a great night or is that a "great " night," im freaaked out this week has meaning that i need to find out what it is,phoned nhs24 to speak to cpn, im triaged someone will phone iwithin 3 hours rhen mentaL HEakth an hour later, this whole fkn shotty system is crap, i couldbe dead (or asllep) by then,  an y eyes are shut the,ucpondingso phone on vibratehour in and im starting to feel so so so so worse, byut tonight was make o r break, i made, but this is ridicoulous, to be clingingon to a phone pleasding it to ring rather go hang yourseld is pathetic, ththink i pissed the call handler off by telling her nowt,but look at my notes cow, i have to writethis down incase anything happens, so people know how shit the system is,

couldnt do xmas card this year so ive done a new year one instead,
you prob dont even read this anymore adn dont give a fuck
but i had to write this,
i have my blanket, im safe just now,
im going to get some pics of girls then ill forward your card,
i couldnt reply to your last letter as it killed me to the core,
but then im sure we both knew that,
what have i done so wrong that im still stuck here,
the sad thingis you are the only one that can help,i know that but your gone now
M is brilliant, but she doesnt get me like you did, im sure she is gonna give up on me soon,
i pray im wrong but i feel it, my girls willmake you so proud, i know that, i will makeyou ashamed as im a mess,
if you are reading this, then you know who its meant for, get in that time machine, grab some jelly tots n come get me please,x,x,x,x Ill never know if you have read this think thats worse, but i had to write it,i had to whilei still had time, x,x,x

i really im trying i promise i am

but what is the fuckin point, my girls, deserve better
my husband deserves better
what tramp and whore would give it away like i did,
i hate this memory,
i hate the feeling of my skin crawling
of the touch
the smell,
the fear,
hate it all
i just want it over now, no more painting a smile, ive set a date in my head, its a nonsignafacance date for everyone i know and if its no better by then then i apoligise in advance to the stranraer train driver,itwas/is nothing against you, its just me,

this shouldnt be this way

things shouldnt still feel this bad,
they shouldnt be as bad as this,
this is horriffic,
i feel sick
i want to die, but i want to live
i just want to live and be alive,
i have the greatest gift from god in my children
people think im selfish,
im not selfish
i dont want to leave them, i just dont want to be with them like this
i want to cry, but i cant do that,

things are getting darker and harder, WHY IS THIS
i want to be happy, i dont wake in the morning and say, lets feel shit again,
think people need toget that thought through there head
i dont WANT NOR TRY to feel like this,

my kids are walking on egg shells, my husband just looks at me now like he has had enough
how the fuck do they all think i feel,
i dont want to want to die
i dont want all these people in and out our life


i wish i had a wand, i cant trust anyone anymore,
think people have had enough of me,
i just want to feel better, i just want to becuddled to sleep,
and to sleep for a day, i want to cry, i want to die,
but i need to live,

help me

please someone help me
im all set to run, dont know where to go or when to stop,
they are all tucked up in bed, unaware,
i dont know what to do or how to get there

please someone help me,

just

im just holding on by the skin on my teeth and no more
im just holding on to save all the grief and no more,
i can t think of anything else but dying
i cant bear the thought of my girls crying,
but i cant bear the idea of my screwing them up either
im stuck in a life i can not live
being a wife i can not be
having thoughts i dont want to have
seeing images i dont want to see
i need this to be over now,
i thought it was
i need this to be over now
i pray to god,
please help me, please, please help me

fuck

whats happening, this is all a mess,
i cant stay where i am,
i cant stop going where i dont want to,
i just want to sleep ffs
music thumping, feet all over the place and biting my lip, gum etc all still happening
my feet are so so sore with rubbing them together,
i think this is it,
i wonder
who fkn knows
but this is not good, somewhat mental, feel like everything is going 100mph,
i feel the adrenilin move under my skin
music is all i need
i dont really care
is this really as good as it gets,
lets see what tomoro brings, its at least worth that,
its wednesday its allowed i think,
why do i feel five, i dont wanna feel so young anymore, i want my big people eyes, please,

thankyou

just went into somewhere i had no need to be, somewhere i had no thought of, somewhere i was sure id looked a hundred times and found my blankie, my blanket, my invisible cloak, ive looked for it for nearly a year and im really finding it weird as to where it was and why it was there but never mindi have it the one time i need it more than ever ever before,
so whatever, however and whyever i went there thanks, i feel safe again and best of all i found it at 4 o clock today, how weird is that, only me knows why, but it feels so safe tonight now, hope it lasts til morning, please god