Saturday, 6 July 2013

not being where i thought i was

spent most afternoon and evening flitting between now and then, then and now, and I'm not liking it at all
I want this all to stop and I'll do no matter what
I am a failure, a complete failure

people who care think by making me do this on my own I could do it oh how wrong, this shit just shouldn't b done alone
with no drugs or alcohol to numb me to the bone

I need help I don't want to do it alone 
never felt so inadequate insecure or scared
just support me now I'm getting scared

Wednesday, 5 June 2013

freaking the fuck out

Monday, 22 April 2013


this is the worst feeling ever
i have that rollercoaster in my belly
i feel like its been forever
and my legs now feel like jelly
i want this all to end now
i cant stand people thinking in a cow
i hate that i feel like i want to die
i hate that in fighting with my head
i hate that i want goodbye
i pray to god to let me just go to bed
i feel like i want to punch and kick
shout and scream
but what's the point, i need to watch how in seen
i want to phone the psychs and plead them to help
as the fear i have of killing myself is killing me keeping it to my self
in fighting it, trying to stop it and not giving in
but it still wont leave me to sleep
i feel itchy, agitated, fidgety, scared, stomache like a rollercoaster head like a round about and i just want my bed
but at the same time i want to be dead,
someone please help me live
i have so much i want to give
i don't want this feeling i don't want to die
i want to live and i want to try but the urge is so strong in scared ill die, xxx help.x

Saturday, 20 April 2013

a mess

i want to die
i want to cry
i want you me
i don't know why
i can not cope
i can not see
but i know what they bastards have done to me
i know i am dirty, skanky, tarred wee cow
but please take me for now
i am 33 and feel six
i just want a hug and to stop feeling sick
i fear you think i am a total twat
in not in scared of all that
of life without flashbacks and being a whore
will have a point or no purpose no more
help me, see me as i really am
N not.the product of this sick fuckin man
cuddle me, protect me and give a damn
like no other has not even my man xxx
if i don't suceed and beat this beast
just do them proud and teach them well
make them appreciate north,south,west and east
how lucky they are even though im deacesed
love u girls your honery aunties will take care of you xxxxxxx

Wednesday, 9 January 2013

I don't want to feel this way

I want to feel happy
 I want to feel real
 I don't want to feel sad
 yet I should be happy to feel

 I hate that the cutting
 somehow stops the pain
 frees my mind and hides his name

 I can't do these flashbacks no more
 I can't see me there, his little whore
I'm sick in my stomach from pretending it's good
 nothing will remove that no matter how much food

 I hate this still happening
 it should be well gone now
 but even with the flash carwe
 when on my own don't know how

 I have no one to turn too
 I'm scared they get bored
 of the same old, same old, same old

 my husband left me
walked out on us all
 people kept saying I should have a ball
 how could I, without the only man who knows
 I felt sad and scared
 but much to prove,
now he has came back I don't know what to do
 I look at it with hate in my heart from what he done
 he left me to rot to fail to be a mother on my own
 now I'm scared to love him again
 to trust him like I've never trust men
 I'm scared he has lied and cheated to me
  scared he will do it again, we will see

 for now I'm stuck, stuck in this place
 wanting to die, to cut or be numb
 wanting to think, without feeling a whore
 wanting to live without fear outside the door
 wanting to be normal, wanting to be sane
 but that's never gonna happen,
never gonna be
 I'm a whore I'm dirty and that's just me...

Tuesday, 8 May 2012

hate feeling so let down

no one got back to me, makes me feel so stupid,
i dont know how to get my kidsto school tomoro
i have money to pay just no one to take it,
i feel like the worst mum in the world as im hoping they wake withmeasles or something

I feel so so alone,
My hubbiewho i love so so much,
is being so weird, so rude and so quiet,
when we should be getting on having a riot
he is playing with my head andhe knows it,
makes me sad how open he shows it
I love him more than you could ever believe,
i just wonder if he feels the same,
for now he couldnt make it planer
that he hates me and i dont blame him,
i try so hard, i just dont know
i wander whats the point, but deep down i know

ive stopped my meds to make him feel better
hope he feels prouder of a wife on no meds,
hope he wont look at mewith the look of dred
we have so much to live for, we have so much to give,
thats why i dont get him being a dick,

but things that you say at 20, 23, slide on, fuck off
not acceptable to me
i love you more, i love him more, i love my man
just open up and prove to me we can,

Wednesday, 29 February 2012

theres only one J.S

I cant do this wthout you,
you would sort it
sort me and sort everything
love n miss u so much,
your retired now, whats the problem if not me?
J you know im your shining star but i cant shine without you


Saturday, 18 February 2012

fuck me how long does it take!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Had a great night or is that a "great " night," im freaaked out this week has meaning that i need to find out what it is,phoned nhs24 to speak to cpn, im triaged someone will phone iwithin 3 hours rhen mentaL HEakth an hour later, this whole fkn shotty system is crap, i couldbe dead (or asllep) by then,  an y eyes are shut the,ucpondingso phone on vibratehour in and im starting to feel so so so so worse, byut tonight was make o r break, i made, but this is ridicoulous, to be clingingon to a phone pleasding it to ring rather go hang yourseld is pathetic, ththink i pissed the call handler off by telling her nowt,but look at my notes cow, i have to writethis down incase anything happens, so people know how shit the system is,

Sunday, 8 January 2012

couldnt do xmas card this year so ive done a new year one instead,
you prob dont even read this anymore adn dont give a fuck
but i had to write this,
i have my blanket, im safe just now,
im going to get some pics of girls then ill forward your card,
i couldnt reply to your last letter as it killed me to the core,
but then im sure we both knew that,
what have i done so wrong that im still stuck here,
the sad thingis you are the only one that can help,i know that but your gone now
M is brilliant, but she doesnt get me like you did, im sure she is gonna give up on me soon,
i pray im wrong but i feel it, my girls willmake you so proud, i know that, i will makeyou ashamed as im a mess,
if you are reading this, then you know who its meant for, get in that time machine, grab some jelly tots n come get me please,x,x,x,x Ill never know if you have read this think thats worse, but i had to write it,i had to whilei still had time, x,x,x

Saturday, 7 January 2012

i really im trying i promise i am

but what is the fuckin point, my girls, deserve better
my husband deserves better
what tramp and whore would give it away like i did,
i hate this memory,
i hate the feeling of my skin crawling
of the touch
the smell,
the fear,
hate it all
i just want it over now, no more painting a smile, ive set a date in my head, its a nonsignafacance date for everyone i know and if its no better by then then i apoligise in advance to the stranraer train driver,itwas/is nothing against you, its just me,

About Me

My photo
United Kingdom
Im a young(ish) women who is slowly learning to survive, who is taking a journey into the past in order to gain a future.