Feel so damn defeated
Admitted how bad it was how awful it is so my cpn (I felt for her today I feel so much guilt of late that I am too much)
So her and my consultant decide along with me I need hospital
It's not ideal but it's what's needed just now short term to avert this crisis. However on arriving at hospital Im persuaded to stay at home and recieve daily treatment and home again . Sounds great in an ideal world, it's not however it's exhausting, it's no continuity of care it's different people having to rehash the same thing
The worse part is that because I agreed to hospital and agreed I was In crisis it has triggered a social work referral for my very well looked after kids. My kids who I shelter from all of this. Social work form triggered yet no hospital admission so what the fuck was the point of that seriously what the fuck was the point. Im mad beyond belief and trying to decide if suicide Is actually the only option last thing this house needs us judgemental social workers coming in they are all coming because my mental health I'd so bad, so bad my cpn agrees and my psychiatrist agree I need to be in hospital but crisis have other ideas so what was the point really????
Can I keep my self safe til tomorrow yeah I can but do I want to now- no I don't they can all go fuck and if they have to tell my girls they have no mum anymore I hope they tell them why, because social work where tipped off about us over nothing I should have just plodded on let the psychosis win as it has won now.
I'm so mad I'm beyond mad I can't think straight I've been duped just like they told me I would I've been totally fkn duped for nothing total waist of being honest no one cares about my health not those I seen tonight they just cared about getting me home again. I'm done If I blog again then I'm more resilient than even I thought as right now I'm ready to swing
I don't blame my cpn she done all she could I don't blame me I was honest I just blame crisis and whoever made the cpn do the s.s referral they are the ones who should be made to tell my girls why
Not my husband or anyone else it should be them
I'm fine
Friday 2 November 2018
Wednesday 10 October 2018
Mental health awareness day- bullshit
I feel like a spoilt teenager having a strop and I really am pissing myself off. I'm going to spend all night going through every scenario in my head til I come up with 'the answer' whatever that may be.
I really can't stop the feeling and it's killing me I've not been able to shake it since last week then something that was said yesterday stuck out to me why do I listen to every scenario why can't I just turn it off it's driving me completely mad and I can't take three weeks of this. I don't know how it feels to have three more hours but three weeks
I wish it would just stop now it's like it knows my insecurities knows what I'm thinking and I can't deal with that no more
But it's not all that bad my whole Facebook are now always there etc and all care now to mental health- bullshit
While they sit in the house and judge disbelieve and play down mental illness. Hypocrites
I really can't stop the feeling and it's killing me I've not been able to shake it since last week then something that was said yesterday stuck out to me why do I listen to every scenario why can't I just turn it off it's driving me completely mad and I can't take three weeks of this. I don't know how it feels to have three more hours but three weeks
I wish it would just stop now it's like it knows my insecurities knows what I'm thinking and I can't deal with that no more
But it's not all that bad my whole Facebook are now always there etc and all care now to mental health- bullshit
While they sit in the house and judge disbelieve and play down mental illness. Hypocrites
I feel so let down when I have no right to feel let down
My appt was cancelled today no big deal really things come up, emergencies happen and I think I may have pissed her off too
Only it was my last appt before her A/L and it feels like a big deal
I feel so let down but feel so bad for feeling let down, especially when I know how much time and energy I take from her and it's way more than I should. Especially when I know how much she has done.
But it's not just me
Its them they are telling me all sorts of stuff
I had a feeling yesterday she was going to cancel so wasn't surprised but still felt so let down. Like I know I shouldn't but I do
I have no right to feel let down but I feel like the only person who knows how bad this is how hard this is and how awful this is doesn't want to know anymore.
They have been telling me for weeks I'm not allowed to tell her anymore, I've to stop talking as she doesn't want to know, she doesn't believe
All week they have told me she thinks I'm well and better and I really am not, they told me she doesn't believe she thinks I'm a terrible mum, she juggles with unicini daily, she thinks I'm just a liar I could go on and I've argued and argued and tried bit totbelieve and today when my phone went they laughed at me they repeated all they said for the last week and laughed
It made me sad that they laughed it makes me sad that they may be right, makes me sad that I believe she has just had enough and I feel so lost tonight I wanted to say all this but how do you say all this without sounding totally crazy like actual bat shit crazy...
I know she is pissed that I haven't been taking my meds, well one of them I take the rest religously. But it made me feel like I had no control but not quite the same no control that I have now .I was at crisis point 6 wks ago I have pretended for the last 6 weeks that crisis is over when the truth is I'm drowning,I'm as bad now as I was the day I waved them all off and I dread what this time next week will be like. I'm suffocating and I'm believing too much of what that horrible "shadow" says. I don't want to believe it I truly don't but it's breaking me down it's constant it's waking me it's berating me it's wearing me down but I don't want to loose control of the only thing I had control over- food but in the scheme of it it seems a small sacrafise. I need to give it a go and see how it goes, be super strict and stick to two meals a week nothing at all else maybe I will manage.
I've had the worse day I remember in so long today I really don't want to feel like an abondoned needy person- it's not what i.am or who I am and right now I feel like I've lost the one person I could be honest with I feel like they have spoke to her persuaded her I don't know but I don't like it. I don't know what I'm meant to do. I feel so broken and really wish I could be selfish wish it more than anything else, just for once could be truly selfish then it would be copable.
Only it was my last appt before her A/L and it feels like a big deal
I feel so let down but feel so bad for feeling let down, especially when I know how much time and energy I take from her and it's way more than I should. Especially when I know how much she has done.
But it's not just me
Its them they are telling me all sorts of stuff
I had a feeling yesterday she was going to cancel so wasn't surprised but still felt so let down. Like I know I shouldn't but I do
I have no right to feel let down but I feel like the only person who knows how bad this is how hard this is and how awful this is doesn't want to know anymore.
They have been telling me for weeks I'm not allowed to tell her anymore, I've to stop talking as she doesn't want to know, she doesn't believe
All week they have told me she thinks I'm well and better and I really am not, they told me she doesn't believe she thinks I'm a terrible mum, she juggles with unicini daily, she thinks I'm just a liar I could go on and I've argued and argued and tried bit totbelieve and today when my phone went they laughed at me they repeated all they said for the last week and laughed
It made me sad that they laughed it makes me sad that they may be right, makes me sad that I believe she has just had enough and I feel so lost tonight I wanted to say all this but how do you say all this without sounding totally crazy like actual bat shit crazy...
I know she is pissed that I haven't been taking my meds, well one of them I take the rest religously. But it made me feel like I had no control but not quite the same no control that I have now .I was at crisis point 6 wks ago I have pretended for the last 6 weeks that crisis is over when the truth is I'm drowning,I'm as bad now as I was the day I waved them all off and I dread what this time next week will be like. I'm suffocating and I'm believing too much of what that horrible "shadow" says. I don't want to believe it I truly don't but it's breaking me down it's constant it's waking me it's berating me it's wearing me down but I don't want to loose control of the only thing I had control over- food but in the scheme of it it seems a small sacrafise. I need to give it a go and see how it goes, be super strict and stick to two meals a week nothing at all else maybe I will manage.
I've had the worse day I remember in so long today I really don't want to feel like an abondoned needy person- it's not what i.am or who I am and right now I feel like I've lost the one person I could be honest with I feel like they have spoke to her persuaded her I don't know but I don't like it. I don't know what I'm meant to do. I feel so broken and really wish I could be selfish wish it more than anything else, just for once could be truly selfish then it would be copable.
Sunday 5 August 2018
Saturday 4 August 2018
Bitter little pill
Anxiety is going to be the death of me
Im so anxious I feel sick, I'm flipping between them and now, now and then and it's killing me
I've tried to stop organising my plan, sorting stuff out but the longer I don't do it the more anxious I become then when I do do it I become even more anxious so I'm anxious when I'm not planning and I'm anxious when I am
I'm scared because I know I don't want this then Im scared because I think I do
I'm exhausted beyond what I thought possible I'm functioning at a level lower than acceptable
I'm so tired I want to sleep to forget to rest to wake up ready to fight this again a I do is fight this but it's never enough fight even when I give more fight than I thought possible I still can't seem to conquer this my most is never enough
It figures as I'm shit at most things I put my hand to so It figures I'm.shit at this too
I need to go to sleep now as I can't see out my eyes properly and my head hurts so much yet I bet I'm awake In a half hour full of his pain and my hurt.
Im so anxious I feel sick, I'm flipping between them and now, now and then and it's killing me
I've tried to stop organising my plan, sorting stuff out but the longer I don't do it the more anxious I become then when I do do it I become even more anxious so I'm anxious when I'm not planning and I'm anxious when I am
I'm scared because I know I don't want this then Im scared because I think I do
I'm exhausted beyond what I thought possible I'm functioning at a level lower than acceptable
I'm so tired I want to sleep to forget to rest to wake up ready to fight this again a I do is fight this but it's never enough fight even when I give more fight than I thought possible I still can't seem to conquer this my most is never enough
It figures as I'm shit at most things I put my hand to so It figures I'm.shit at this too
I need to go to sleep now as I can't see out my eyes properly and my head hurts so much yet I bet I'm awake In a half hour full of his pain and my hurt.
Monday 18 June 2018
When is enough enough??
When does enough become enough
When does the time come when by being alive you are doing more harm than good
When you feel like you are letting everyone down all the time are you? Or is it just me that thinks that.
Does my family think I do more harm than good.
Do they agree with my head and what my heart is telling me
I feel broken hearted with the realisation that I may be holding them back
How can I say I love them if I'm willing to hold them back
I love them more than I love life I will give my last breath to make sure they know I love them but am I just getting in the way of them having a happy life
My anxiety means they aren't street wise, so when people do them wrong and break them that's my fault for never allowing them to be street wise.
When they all go on holiday but feel obliged to keep messaging me etc.. as I can't go with them, what kinda failure can't go on holiday with their kids
My fear has kept them protected and shielded so when someone does wrong they get very upset, I've caused that!
When does the time come when you are doing more harm than good? When does the times come to say I'm out of here for good I've ruined enough. But what if I haven't what if Its just me who thinks this what if they are glad I've protected them glad I watch out for their every move, glad I've fought for them? But I don't know I know what I believe and I can't do harm to my babies I just can't they have a great dad who could meet a women he deserved not landed with one who's hopeless who's an idiot. He could go back to work, he could live the life he deserves, happy wife happy life and all that. I'll never be more than what they made me I'm too ashamed to live anymore
When does the time come when by being alive you are doing more harm than good
When you feel like you are letting everyone down all the time are you? Or is it just me that thinks that.
Does my family think I do more harm than good.
Do they agree with my head and what my heart is telling me
I feel broken hearted with the realisation that I may be holding them back
How can I say I love them if I'm willing to hold them back
I love them more than I love life I will give my last breath to make sure they know I love them but am I just getting in the way of them having a happy life
My anxiety means they aren't street wise, so when people do them wrong and break them that's my fault for never allowing them to be street wise.
When they all go on holiday but feel obliged to keep messaging me etc.. as I can't go with them, what kinda failure can't go on holiday with their kids
My fear has kept them protected and shielded so when someone does wrong they get very upset, I've caused that!
When does the time come when you are doing more harm than good? When does the times come to say I'm out of here for good I've ruined enough. But what if I haven't what if Its just me who thinks this what if they are glad I've protected them glad I watch out for their every move, glad I've fought for them? But I don't know I know what I believe and I can't do harm to my babies I just can't they have a great dad who could meet a women he deserved not landed with one who's hopeless who's an idiot. He could go back to work, he could live the life he deserves, happy wife happy life and all that. I'll never be more than what they made me I'm too ashamed to live anymore
Thursday 31 May 2018
Trust me????
When someone tells you to trust them????
Asking me to trust anyone???
The scary part is I am trusting them trusting them to play it down to help me out this hole to get me to a better place
Trust them not to repeat what I say
Trusting them to believe me, trusting them with my everything.
I never ever thought I could truly trust anyone, people who have told me to trust them in the past have done the unthinkable to me what's that to trust?
But this is different I think they genuinely care about me they have nothing to gain by betraying me, so I have to trust.
Trust is such an alien concept for me that it's a struggle it's making me nervy and very uneasy I'm on edge I'm very hypervigilint and i really don't like it but I have no choice I will trust I have to trust and I think I do actually trust. How scary is that ??? But nothing else for it. I need this to stop, need to be better or what is the point!!! Feel like I can do this we can do this. I have someone fighting my corner for first time in a long time so time to trust stop letting the fear stop me stop letting them win!
Asking me to trust anyone???
The scary part is I am trusting them trusting them to play it down to help me out this hole to get me to a better place
Trust them not to repeat what I say
Trusting them to believe me, trusting them with my everything.
I never ever thought I could truly trust anyone, people who have told me to trust them in the past have done the unthinkable to me what's that to trust?
But this is different I think they genuinely care about me they have nothing to gain by betraying me, so I have to trust.
Trust is such an alien concept for me that it's a struggle it's making me nervy and very uneasy I'm on edge I'm very hypervigilint and i really don't like it but I have no choice I will trust I have to trust and I think I do actually trust. How scary is that ??? But nothing else for it. I need this to stop, need to be better or what is the point!!! Feel like I can do this we can do this. I have someone fighting my corner for first time in a long time so time to trust stop letting the fear stop me stop letting them win!
Thursday 19 April 2018
I can't do this anymore
I really can't do this anymore
I've tried so hard
I've really really tried
I'm sure people think I'm not trying
I'm sure they have had enough of me and this mess
I know it's cptsd I've read some articles and it all makes sense to me
But how many people can ever get better or over it
I tried to say how bad it is but how do you tell people your seeing him, hearing him, smelling him, feeling him when he is dead
How can you tell someone that when they want you to be over it?
Why can't I get over it? Does that make Pepe think I want this? Who would want this who would want to live 24/7 in a state of fear a state of alarm?
Suggesting it's time i moved on makes me think that they think it's choice? It's not choice why would I choose this.
I really feel like I'm having a mental breakdown, I can't control my anxiety, I won't wash/dress for days on end I can't concentrate, I am losing all functioning and no one seems to believe me ? Or do they think I'm exaggerating when really I'm playing this down so much.
I know the end is gonna come very soon as no one can keep going the way I am. I wanted to say so much but how can I? How do you tell someone how bad this is? I'm losing hours every day dissociated the rest of the time I'm on the edge of the chair ready to run, watching everything round me , my head is full to the brim, it's awful how much control he has over me
I'm exhausted yet so alert im anxious more than I've ever known panic attacks are causing flashbacks, flashbacks are causing panic attacks. Flashbacks are making my anxiety high my anxiety is causing flashbacks, I can't think straight I can't stand up without feeling dizzy,
I can hear creaks that make me jump and waiting on him coming to get me
I feel so much shame and so ashamed like I can't let that go, I feel embarrassed and sick at what I've done with him.
I just keep waiting on him coming to kill me and think it would be easier to do the job for him. I really feel like no one cares and everyone has had enough maybe I'd be doing everyone a favour if I just ended it all for once and for all as I'm clearly not meant to be doing much more. I can't shake that feeling that I'm just a burden on people now and that's not something that I ever want to be 💔
I've tried so hard
I've really really tried
I'm sure people think I'm not trying
I'm sure they have had enough of me and this mess
I know it's cptsd I've read some articles and it all makes sense to me
But how many people can ever get better or over it
I tried to say how bad it is but how do you tell people your seeing him, hearing him, smelling him, feeling him when he is dead
How can you tell someone that when they want you to be over it?
Why can't I get over it? Does that make Pepe think I want this? Who would want this who would want to live 24/7 in a state of fear a state of alarm?
Suggesting it's time i moved on makes me think that they think it's choice? It's not choice why would I choose this.
I really feel like I'm having a mental breakdown, I can't control my anxiety, I won't wash/dress for days on end I can't concentrate, I am losing all functioning and no one seems to believe me ? Or do they think I'm exaggerating when really I'm playing this down so much.
I know the end is gonna come very soon as no one can keep going the way I am. I wanted to say so much but how can I? How do you tell someone how bad this is? I'm losing hours every day dissociated the rest of the time I'm on the edge of the chair ready to run, watching everything round me , my head is full to the brim, it's awful how much control he has over me
I'm exhausted yet so alert im anxious more than I've ever known panic attacks are causing flashbacks, flashbacks are causing panic attacks. Flashbacks are making my anxiety high my anxiety is causing flashbacks, I can't think straight I can't stand up without feeling dizzy,
I can hear creaks that make me jump and waiting on him coming to get me
I feel so much shame and so ashamed like I can't let that go, I feel embarrassed and sick at what I've done with him.
I just keep waiting on him coming to kill me and think it would be easier to do the job for him. I really feel like no one cares and everyone has had enough maybe I'd be doing everyone a favour if I just ended it all for once and for all as I'm clearly not meant to be doing much more. I can't shake that feeling that I'm just a burden on people now and that's not something that I ever want to be 💔
Thursday 8 March 2018
To hospital or not???
I have the chance to maybe go into hospital for a week maybe(hopefully) to let my head rest to let my body rest and to just get over this anxiety, this bad place, this living hell.
Do I want to go
I would go in a heart beat I would go right now I would go there in a minute as i my head is telling me it's what I need. I know that it's maybe the only safe way to sort it out
Why not just jump at it then?
I'm scared of the stigma that will come with it if people find out
I'm scared I'll be on a ward of noisy people and come out worse
I'll miss out on my appts with my cpn and wiwith only three appts left before she leaves i don't want it to end at yesterday or not get a good ending to a relationship that I truly value
But most importantly of all what if my husband is so angry at me what if he thinks I don't appreciate all he does what if he doesn't get it? What if he hates me for it ? What if my kids know where I am. I know my kids and husband will cope great without me I've not been an equal partner of late and they are doing well but what if he thinks it's something I want and not something I need. Is it worth that risk?
I'm so confused I don't know what to do I really don't know what to do 😔😔😔 head or heart ???? I wish someone would tell me what to do.
Do I want to go
I would go in a heart beat I would go right now I would go there in a minute as i my head is telling me it's what I need. I know that it's maybe the only safe way to sort it out
Why not just jump at it then?
I'm scared of the stigma that will come with it if people find out
I'm scared I'll be on a ward of noisy people and come out worse
I'll miss out on my appts with my cpn and wiwith only three appts left before she leaves i don't want it to end at yesterday or not get a good ending to a relationship that I truly value
But most importantly of all what if my husband is so angry at me what if he thinks I don't appreciate all he does what if he doesn't get it? What if he hates me for it ? What if my kids know where I am. I know my kids and husband will cope great without me I've not been an equal partner of late and they are doing well but what if he thinks it's something I want and not something I need. Is it worth that risk?
I'm so confused I don't know what to do I really don't know what to do 😔😔😔 head or heart ???? I wish someone would tell me what to do.
Wednesday 28 February 2018
Someone please help me
I have someone I can trust
I know I'm one of the lucky ones
Someone who has proved they are their for me but someone who still has to leave
But thankgod she told me she believes
I can't tell her I really truly actually plan to die as I don't want it to feel minupulitive when we are about to say bye
I don't want her t
So I have told her how bad I feel but I haven't told her I'm actually going to die (don't worry she can't read this)
The thing is I don't even want to die, I don't want to miss out on all the future memories
I don't want to miss see my little people succeed in life
I don't want to miss my calling, my purpose, my reason for being as I haven't found that yet
But the flashbacks the trauma the reminder of it all. The desperate to tell it all but never being able the wanting to talk for hours but not knowing the words to use and running out of time badly to do it.
So what the point of this the point is I have my plan, I am ready, I am going to end it and let the others rest easy. But I am scared I'm making the wrong choice but who can I ask?? It's time to just suck up and suicide as no one is able to rescue me and the sad thing is I want rescued
I know I'm one of the lucky ones
Someone who has proved they are their for me but someone who still has to leave
But thankgod she told me she believes
I can't tell her I really truly actually plan to die as I don't want it to feel minupulitive when we are about to say bye
I don't want her t
So I have told her how bad I feel but I haven't told her I'm actually going to die (don't worry she can't read this)
The thing is I don't even want to die, I don't want to miss out on all the future memories
I don't want to miss see my little people succeed in life
I don't want to miss my calling, my purpose, my reason for being as I haven't found that yet
But the flashbacks the trauma the reminder of it all. The desperate to tell it all but never being able the wanting to talk for hours but not knowing the words to use and running out of time badly to do it.
So what the point of this the point is I have my plan, I am ready, I am going to end it and let the others rest easy. But I am scared I'm making the wrong choice but who can I ask?? It's time to just suck up and suicide as no one is able to rescue me and the sad thing is I want rescued
What's the answer?
Stick a fork in me I'm done
I think the time for me has come
To end this torture
At last
Before I can get anymore bashed
You are torturing me
It's fkn hell
Your making me ill I feel
So unwell
Time to run and not look back
Time to finish this for one last time
As I can't continue on my own just fine
I don't want to be at this place
I really wanted to win this race
But you will always have full control
And I can't do it on my own
Stick a fork in me
Because I am done
Time to leave time to run
Stick a fork in me I am done
My life is over I can't even have fun
But what if I dont want to let you win
How can I do this how do I swim?
What is the answer? What can I do
To get on, get over and get a life without you
Haunting and hurting and keeping it real
Just leave me please just leave me to feel
Content or nothing or even just safe
That's all I want in this place
I think the time for me has come
To end this torture
At last
Before I can get anymore bashed
You are torturing me
It's fkn hell
Your making me ill I feel
So unwell
Time to run and not look back
Time to finish this for one last time
As I can't continue on my own just fine
I don't want to be at this place
I really wanted to win this race
But you will always have full control
And I can't do it on my own
Stick a fork in me
Because I am done
Time to leave time to run
Stick a fork in me I am done
My life is over I can't even have fun
But what if I dont want to let you win
How can I do this how do I swim?
What is the answer? What can I do
To get on, get over and get a life without you
Haunting and hurting and keeping it real
Just leave me please just leave me to feel
Content or nothing or even just safe
That's all I want in this place
Wednesday 14 February 2018
The nightmare I'm waking
My perfect rock bottom.
I can't live like this anymore
I can't feel like I'm on the floor
You have well and truly fucked me over
I can't let go I can't move on and you know why
Why would I decieve you so.....
Yeah I told I've told my story now
Now what what are you going to do??
Are you gonna stay true?
I'm waiting for you... I'm waiting for you....
I have nothing to fear now
Nothing NADA fuck all
Because the worse you done
You do, anything else will feel like a relief
A break no more of this none
My beautiful trauma, my drug, my fkn end
My perfect rock bottom I'm in control of this part I'll find a way out before you get me of that you can be sure .
I can't live like this anymore
I can't feel like I'm on the floor
You have well and truly fucked me over
I can't let go I can't move on and you know why
Why would I decieve you so.....
Yeah I told I've told my story now
Now what what are you going to do??
Are you gonna stay true?
I'm waiting for you... I'm waiting for you....
I have nothing to fear now
Nothing NADA fuck all
Because the worse you done
You do, anything else will feel like a relief
A break no more of this none
My beautiful trauma, my drug, my fkn end
My perfect rock bottom I'm in control of this part I'll find a way out before you get me of that you can be sure .
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About Me
- a survivor.... or so they say
- Im a women who is slowly learning to survive, who is taking a journey into the past in order to gain a future. I have ptsd, bpd and suicidal ideation. I often wander if i would have any of that if it wasn't for the mess, the past.