god i feel so so trapped
like ive never felt so trapped
im here for the taking now
i feel scared to go out
the panic is getting worse
i feel fear to sleep
the dreaming
i am his whore
i cant help it
ive proved to the world now
i cant believe what a mess it is now
i want to be happy
but thats a way way off
its a long long long way
ive just got such a bad feeling about everything
im trapped just a little more
i struggle as it is
i struggle daily
i feel guilty
i feel cheap
i feel dirty
i feel so so scared
this is just such a mess
its going to be such a long way to happy
i just never got how long til this last week
things are sent to test me
but me and tests have just had it this week
or is it a way of keeping me safe
i dont know
I'm fine
Wednesday 23 April 2008
Wednesday 16 April 2008
why
its funny when you realise how much someone means to you
its funny, but not funny haha
ive cried and puked all the way home,
ive never been as much a state as i am now
i havent even went for my cuppa,
im crying hysterical in my room
like ive never cried
im a mess
he knows it
you know it
ive never been as hurt as i am now
because ive never hurt
the worst feeling in the world is hurting people
letting them down
and thats wot i done
its not your fault that she is leaving
its not your fault that my mum hates me
its not your fault that your not my mum
but im so so sorry
i never meant to hurt,
i said wot i did last week through fear
please dont hate me
ive left today feeling that
you either dont believe
or think they were right and i deserved it all
or you dont like me
and out of all of them the last is probably the worst
i know i shouldnt care wot you think
but two years, my daughter was 2, and we met when i was pregnant
you are really the only one who truley cared and today i showed you why you shouldnt
i showed you i wasnt nice
not to hurt you
just so you can hate me like A does
im crying and its hurting more than it ever should,
im so so sorry
please dont hate me, please dont,
im so so sorry, you scared me today and i realised that you were human like me
you wont like me unconditionaly and i need to get to grips with that
i had my self all worked up for an attack today, is that not how it happens???
please dont hate me, please
its funny, but not funny haha
ive cried and puked all the way home,
ive never been as much a state as i am now
i havent even went for my cuppa,
im crying hysterical in my room
like ive never cried
im a mess
he knows it
you know it
ive never been as hurt as i am now
because ive never hurt
the worst feeling in the world is hurting people
letting them down
and thats wot i done
its not your fault that she is leaving
its not your fault that my mum hates me
its not your fault that your not my mum
but im so so sorry
i never meant to hurt,
i said wot i did last week through fear
please dont hate me
ive left today feeling that
you either dont believe
or think they were right and i deserved it all
or you dont like me
and out of all of them the last is probably the worst
i know i shouldnt care wot you think
but two years, my daughter was 2, and we met when i was pregnant
you are really the only one who truley cared and today i showed you why you shouldnt
i showed you i wasnt nice
not to hurt you
just so you can hate me like A does
im crying and its hurting more than it ever should,
im so so sorry
please dont hate me, please dont,
im so so sorry, you scared me today and i realised that you were human like me
you wont like me unconditionaly and i need to get to grips with that
i had my self all worked up for an attack today, is that not how it happens???
please dont hate me, please
Saturday 5 April 2008
just a note for you from me
J, just a not for you from me
Its all a mess
and its all so scarey
but at least im here im fighting though wary
i wont let you down, i wont give up
i wont make you regret, i wont make you hurt
i am your rising star and ill keep on rising
til ive got to the end then i start my shining,
we will get there J you and me,
we can do this, we need to do this,
I will make you proud I promise,x,
Its all a mess
and its all so scarey
but at least im here im fighting though wary
i wont let you down, i wont give up
i wont make you regret, i wont make you hurt
i am your rising star and ill keep on rising
til ive got to the end then i start my shining,
we will get there J you and me,
we can do this, we need to do this,
I will make you proud I promise,x,
Im brave but im chicken sh""t
I cant stop the panic
it feels like my chest is going to cave in
im counting my breathing
in and out and thinking about each breath
things have become clearer of wot went on
i dont know that i was even meant to be there
god was i even meant to know
I dont think i was meant to see,
Or meant to be aware,
So how is that wrong
So why did i even think like that
Did i hope it had been more,
Of course i didnt
Did i really think that others were involved
I dont think i did,
I always knew it was confused and muddled
And my head was playing tricks
So why did i not just waite til
I knew for sure
Or would i never have known for sure
If i hadnt spoke
Why could i betray like that
Ive thought of nothing more,
And its so much clearer now that im letting me think
Ive been physically sick with the realisation in my head
That I shouldnt have been, or seen or saw
I shouldnt have hid behind that door,
I shouldnt have feared him for his looks,
I should have known that he was all good
How can your head not let it be clear
Til you think the worse when there was nothing to fear,
The panic im having
is so so bad
the feeling in my heart
Is so so sad
The loss that im feeling
For twenty eight year
Is worse than the hate,
the hurt and the fear
Its gonna be the longest
two weeks that ive ever been through
But ill just have to cope
to get on and get through
I can sort some out on monday so that good
But then im stuck much longer after
it feels like my chest is going to cave in
im counting my breathing
in and out and thinking about each breath
things have become clearer of wot went on
i dont know that i was even meant to be there
god was i even meant to know
I dont think i was meant to see,
Or meant to be aware,
So how is that wrong
So why did i even think like that
Did i hope it had been more,
Of course i didnt
Did i really think that others were involved
I dont think i did,
I always knew it was confused and muddled
And my head was playing tricks
So why did i not just waite til
I knew for sure
Or would i never have known for sure
If i hadnt spoke
Why could i betray like that
Ive thought of nothing more,
And its so much clearer now that im letting me think
Ive been physically sick with the realisation in my head
That I shouldnt have been, or seen or saw
I shouldnt have hid behind that door,
I shouldnt have feared him for his looks,
I should have known that he was all good
How can your head not let it be clear
Til you think the worse when there was nothing to fear,
The panic im having
is so so bad
the feeling in my heart
Is so so sad
The loss that im feeling
For twenty eight year
Is worse than the hate,
the hurt and the fear
Its gonna be the longest
two weeks that ive ever been through
But ill just have to cope
to get on and get through
I can sort some out on monday so that good
But then im stuck much longer after
Friday 4 April 2008
Im tired but im restless
I cant get the shit that im in out my head
Ive been angry for days now
Angry with lots of people
For lots of things
Im taking control and some might not like it
But i cant go on feeling i have no rights
I do have rights as does every human
My inability to say what i want to say
leaves me being accused
I was accused of manipulating today
I WAS NOT
I was angry, i didnt want an answer or a lecture
I didnt want my failings pointed out
I wanted support
Roll on next month as at the rate things are going
The things promised will be taking away
I dont understand the huge concern
I dont know why people need to talk about me
I am capable of when needed asking for what i need
I have one of the brightest kids in the nursery
A happy kid, she has her moments, dont they all
I have a loving child, one who knows right and wrong
One who can tell anything without fear
And more importantly one that has respect and love for herself
And others
I have a child that will offer to help people without prompting
Who will say please and thankyou without prompting,
Who is tidy, who is clean, who is read to everynight
Who is cuddled when it is needed
Who is told off when is needed
I have a child that knows mummy can be angry and dislike something they have done
But who loves them regardless,
And she is only 5, so why can people think im not doing 100%
I was thinking it all along, thinking that without me they would go further
But they wont they are what they are because of me
I was given a blank canvas and produced a masterpiece
So how can people doubt anything where children are concerned,
Im so so so angry that my inability to allow me to show that ive done well
My inability to allow people to praise,
More importantly my fear of letting people see my love for my children
Which is so strong it physically hurts me
Yet because i feel that i cant show people that,
Or that this may be wrongly judged then im leaving myself open to too much
I cant seem to get my head clear today, yet yesterday it was as clear as day
today its all foggy and hurting
I am so much more equiped now than i was last year
So why now,
Maybe im all so wrong, maybe i should stop listening to what i think is being said
But then can i be this wrong
This will be a long weekend, the longest in so long,
Then next week when i should be celebrating, I wont i will be paranoid
Wandering what they are deciding, who is going to come to the door,
Scared that things ive said go further,
that any trust i had will be blown away
Why when i take a step forward is there always someone ready to push me back
Or am i so used to that, that i make it happen,
Is it just the pressure that this month brings
Are people wanting me to hate them as that makes it easier,
I suppose i should stop assuming and see what monday brings,
But that is so so so much easier to say than do
I just dont understand what i do so wrong,
Yet obviously they all do,
Im sad that my parenting skills where even criticised today
As i know im a good mum, regardless of what i say
My eldest wouldnt be as confident as clever as happy as she is
If it wasnt for me and her dad ensuring this,
I need to put it out forget it tonight
And enjoy the weekend and just forget the nights
It just all seems to be such a mess
Why oh why do i need to say so much
I only say what i can to the ones that i can
As i need support and believed
Not criticised and confused
Why do they all have to go and talk
Behind my back, behind the block
Come here, go there but not leaving me out
Then i fear whats said and what secrets come out
I suppose its another 72hours i think
Till i can even ask or discuss the reason
to phone to talk to discuss my being,
But i need to air what is in my head
I could be so wrong
I could have so mis read
But i cant see it like that,
I know emotian and today i was faced with many of them
Pissed off, angry annoyed them all
And that scares me from someone i trust more than all
If it was someone who didnt know or know me
Then i would cope with that and support wee me
But how can i support her, when her feelings feel wrong
When i want to grieve and i want to work on
Then along comes something else to make it not on
I know that things are never easy
But jesus this is more than hard
Its awfull, its tiring, its exhausting and scarey
But i need to fight til the end til im so happy,
Welcome to my new life
I was told the other day
And i couldnt have put it any other way
So heres hoping its not altered before i can start
And heres hoping i can grieve and accept im not a tart
Hopefully i can admit that i love my kids so much
That i will always be the best they have got
Would have and is possible
surely everone can see this,
Ive been angry for days now
Angry with lots of people
For lots of things
Im taking control and some might not like it
But i cant go on feeling i have no rights
I do have rights as does every human
My inability to say what i want to say
leaves me being accused
I was accused of manipulating today
I WAS NOT
I was angry, i didnt want an answer or a lecture
I didnt want my failings pointed out
I wanted support
Roll on next month as at the rate things are going
The things promised will be taking away
I dont understand the huge concern
I dont know why people need to talk about me
I am capable of when needed asking for what i need
I have one of the brightest kids in the nursery
A happy kid, she has her moments, dont they all
I have a loving child, one who knows right and wrong
One who can tell anything without fear
And more importantly one that has respect and love for herself
And others
I have a child that will offer to help people without prompting
Who will say please and thankyou without prompting,
Who is tidy, who is clean, who is read to everynight
Who is cuddled when it is needed
Who is told off when is needed
I have a child that knows mummy can be angry and dislike something they have done
But who loves them regardless,
And she is only 5, so why can people think im not doing 100%
I was thinking it all along, thinking that without me they would go further
But they wont they are what they are because of me
I was given a blank canvas and produced a masterpiece
So how can people doubt anything where children are concerned,
Im so so so angry that my inability to allow me to show that ive done well
My inability to allow people to praise,
More importantly my fear of letting people see my love for my children
Which is so strong it physically hurts me
Yet because i feel that i cant show people that,
Or that this may be wrongly judged then im leaving myself open to too much
I cant seem to get my head clear today, yet yesterday it was as clear as day
today its all foggy and hurting
I am so much more equiped now than i was last year
So why now,
Maybe im all so wrong, maybe i should stop listening to what i think is being said
But then can i be this wrong
This will be a long weekend, the longest in so long,
Then next week when i should be celebrating, I wont i will be paranoid
Wandering what they are deciding, who is going to come to the door,
Scared that things ive said go further,
that any trust i had will be blown away
Why when i take a step forward is there always someone ready to push me back
Or am i so used to that, that i make it happen,
Is it just the pressure that this month brings
Are people wanting me to hate them as that makes it easier,
I suppose i should stop assuming and see what monday brings,
But that is so so so much easier to say than do
I just dont understand what i do so wrong,
Yet obviously they all do,
Im sad that my parenting skills where even criticised today
As i know im a good mum, regardless of what i say
My eldest wouldnt be as confident as clever as happy as she is
If it wasnt for me and her dad ensuring this,
I need to put it out forget it tonight
And enjoy the weekend and just forget the nights
It just all seems to be such a mess
Why oh why do i need to say so much
I only say what i can to the ones that i can
As i need support and believed
Not criticised and confused
Why do they all have to go and talk
Behind my back, behind the block
Come here, go there but not leaving me out
Then i fear whats said and what secrets come out
I suppose its another 72hours i think
Till i can even ask or discuss the reason
to phone to talk to discuss my being,
But i need to air what is in my head
I could be so wrong
I could have so mis read
But i cant see it like that,
I know emotian and today i was faced with many of them
Pissed off, angry annoyed them all
And that scares me from someone i trust more than all
If it was someone who didnt know or know me
Then i would cope with that and support wee me
But how can i support her, when her feelings feel wrong
When i want to grieve and i want to work on
Then along comes something else to make it not on
I know that things are never easy
But jesus this is more than hard
Its awfull, its tiring, its exhausting and scarey
But i need to fight til the end til im so happy,
Welcome to my new life
I was told the other day
And i couldnt have put it any other way
So heres hoping its not altered before i can start
And heres hoping i can grieve and accept im not a tart
Hopefully i can admit that i love my kids so much
That i will always be the best they have got
Would have and is possible
surely everone can see this,
Tuesday 1 April 2008
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About Me
- a survivor.... or so they say
- Im a women who is slowly learning to survive, who is taking a journey into the past in order to gain a future. I have ptsd, bpd and suicidal ideation. I often wander if i would have any of that if it wasn't for the mess, the past.