i came on to edit

I came on to edit what i wrote today
but ive decided to leave it
Ive never edited or reread in the past
as it would make the blog not true
I came on here today to try and express
the feelings i had the way i know best
But all i came out with where the feelings deep down
that my life was over and i couldnt turn it round
I spoke to the people who i knew could help
yet i still sat here convinced in myself
certain it was over and my only way to be free
Was to be no more breathing, be no more me

But ive changed the thought as much as i can
In that im still here, im still alive
Im still doing as i am
Im scared that tomoro wont ever come,
But i wish it would as today im not numb
Im feeling so much hurt, like never before
And i didnt know how to cope or behave or be brave
But im alive and the day is nearly over
I took the best advice i got, take it by the hour,
And that where I am at,
its been a lot of hours passed, where i have done nothing at all
I havent tidied or cleaned or done anything at all
Ive just counted the mins til another one was gone,
Knowing that not much longer and i will have survived another day
Im scared at how close it was again,
But i can see why and i know i will work it out when i can

Its been a hard week, a harder weekend
but the worst day of all
And i know everyone is waiting for me to fall
But im sick of giving everyone what they want
So maybe they will all have to waite a bit more
Because maybe for now i aint ready to hit the floor

its time to face my final curtain

God almighty it was never ever meant to be this hard
It was never meant to be as scarey as this
I was meant to feel peace
I was meant to feel tranquility
I was meant to feel at one
I was meant to feel relieved
So why am i so scared, that soon ill not breath
Why am i scared of the dark
Why am i scared of the nothing,
It cant be scarier than this
It cant be worse than this living

I spoke to one person on my list of must speaks to
Wish i hadnt as she nearly made this different,
I tried to phone and tell her not
But i couldnt let her think id lost the plot
She has done more than enough up to now
She has dont more than she should have had to
So i will leave it at that, but it means ill never say goodbye
Ill never get a cuddle or a feeling like she cared
But she is not my mum or anything so i need to get over it

The other person i cant contact
as i just dont know how to
I can phone her work but shes not there
Not today or tomoro
So how can i get in touch with her
Well i cant can i,
I know if i tried and tried a lot,
I proberbly could, but if i speak to her i will never go through
what it is i need to do,
ill never take the rest
ill never get it over with
ill not be able to betray and i dont feel like i am now
as she hasnt asked me not too,
neither of them have, so im free to do it then, or am i
god this is just a total mess
ill not think about others,
im doing the most selfish thing in the world
thats what they will all say
but it is about time i done something selfish aint it,

its that time!!!!!!!!!!!

Friday night pubs out
can mean only one thing
im sat hear waiting
to see what i hear
what will be my welcome
will it be closed door,
i pray for that every time
i love closed door,
that means safety
that means phew
that means not tonight
that means "i dont love you"
so do i want it open
do i want to hurt
do i want fear
am i just a slut
does it mean "i love you"
is that why i do what i do
But i need to remember
its not going to happen tonight
as im not there i am here
it might be that time
but its safe where i am
but its not it isnt its awfull
and ill always be his slut
what if there was never a weekend
would i live alright in the week
what if this is the last one
that i ever have to greet
now theres a thought to think of
a thought to get me through
that this could be the last one
that i sit and waite on you

ironic, a milestone, yet so sad,

I thought i was near to making 100 posts on here
i thought i was a few away
but i was wrong as this is post 100
How ironic that this is the worst day of my life
And its also a landmark post

Im so so so numb,
I feel like its over now
I keep thinking i should just go
I keep being told i should just go
I feel numb, i feel weird, i could cry

I did not think it would be as hard as today
To talk and say,what it is he says to me
But it was, it was scarey
And i feel like ive betrayed

Im now full of fear
Like i have never been
Of fear, of dread,
Of wishing i was dead

Ive said the one i hear the most
The one I found i could
But i know if it is as bad as that
How bad the rest will be,

Im wishing it was the next time now
As am numb just now, unfeeling
Im not here, im not there
Im nowhere and i cant stop it from beeing

Im trying to stay here
in the here and now,
Or even just in my sef
But i cant, i cant do it, its just to much
So im better just fleeing,

Im scared of closing my eyes tonight,
And not being very alert,
As i have a feeling in my heart
That tonight somethings going wrong

I really need a cuddle
To not feel so dirty or scared
I wished i could get one
From someone who did care
My psych told me today
"if she was my mum"
God how much do i wish that where true
If only to help me through all this
In a way thats not just profession
Though i know its more than that,
But is it pity, disgust and intrigue
At how i am bad and deserved
He says she is taking the piss out of me
Thats the hardest thing i heard,

some pics of how i feel right now,

another night of no sleep,

I dont know how much more of no sleep i can take
My house will be alive again in 5 hours
I dread it, ill be a state

Ive had such an awfull night
An awfull day
My closest aside there are only two people who get me through all this
And they know who they are
My psych and my HV
without them god knows where id be at

But today when i saw my hv
she had some news....
she is leaving in april,
I am never going to cope,
I can never cope, she has been through this with me
And she is not going to see the end
Am i going to see the end???

I was so shocked when she left i threw up
was physically sick, i thought she would always be here
I suppose i didnt really think
I get to a point, yeah this is furthest yet
Then they go, will the psych be next
He is so so winning this battle,
He lets people belive me that he knows will have to go
He lets me trust the ones that he knows will not be around
To pick me up and help me out when he batters me to the ground
I feel so helpless and so sad,
So useless and i can do nothing,

I feel like im getting left to fight alone,
Ive no one to run to no one to phone
Ive no way of coping without her help
Its seems ill be left by myself
Ill still have my psych i know that too
But with my hv she is a team
How will i cope with once a fortnight
No one to turn to, when im having these nights
No one to phone when he is taking over
No one to help me when im having enough
No one to talk too about nothing at all
God this is awfull why is it so
That whenever i trust they have to go
Im being so selfish i know that
But im saying here what i wont say outload
I would never say it and make her feel bad
as she knows that she has kept me alive
Who can i promise from now on,
No one ohhhhhhh shit
i think im truley distraught,

He has loved it though,
that same line again
About what happens when i tell
People i love and care about go away
Why have i been stupid and let myself trust
I shouldnt have started this,
I should have let it lie
And he couldnt gloat
I could just die
x,

cant think wont think

I cant think long enough not to think
Im trying to not think
Which is making me think
Im trying to get rid
Which is bringing it to the front of my mind
Im trying to run away and trying to hide,

I was thinking this blog makes no sense,
I waffle on and talk whats in my head
Assuming people know where im coming from
Where right now im at
But they dont, do they
they just think im a waffling,...tube

So where am I
Im trying to talk to a psychologist about my past
About the sex i had when i was young,
with men thats should have known better
Ive discussed the past, now we are on the now,
Im trying to learn who I am,
But im constatly told wrong, by the person from all these years ago
Im told this is a voice in my head
An introgection, i think
*yes she does listen*
As he is no longer alive in this world,
Most of them are no longer alive
Yet still daily, i hear the threats, the taunts
I see the faces and things i despise

People who know me would never know as im a mum of two
A wife and a home maker, i have a clean house, tidy house
And a smile on my face for the visitors,
But beneath that smile im a broken person
I do not live as i should
Im scared to go out, I hear them shout,
They talk to me so rude, ive been told its ptsd
My past has made me like this,
If it wasnt for his hand, his touch his kiss
Id be happy and enjoying my life and kids,

But thats what made me start all this,
Knowing there was more to life
I want to be a good mummy to them
I want to be a good wife

So im working through it with lots of help
And im stumbling on the road
Its a road paved with obstacled for me to fall
A road im scared to go on at all
But one that im starting to walk on,
One that im stumbling and fall
But its one i had to take
Or life was not worth fuck all

I just wonder if people come across this shite
That i write to keep me sane
If they wonder what its all about
If they wondered if i was insane

When im a survivor, if i ever am,
Life will be so different
But for know im just
A survivor in the making

still

im still awake,
ive sat at the computer just looking at it
Not doing anything,
just thinking
But ive been here now for 4hours,
Not so productive
Im so tired im over awake,
i hate this bit

Ive been avoiding everything possible today
Ive not really seen my children
Ive been there physically but ive not really been there
Its so unfair on them, its so unfair on me

But whats the other option?
To stay around in the room,
watch them play
What do i do, what do i say
I dont know,

im just so confused just now,
so trying to smile, be happy for the world to see
Trying to pretend, trying to forget, be "me"
Why cant i do it no more,
Is that even so hard,

Im going to crawl into a book for an hour,
If i am allowed, unless he gets involved again
disturbs and gets real load,
Ive still no mp3, and i cant get that one to work
So im stuck to listen when i dont want
As i cant turn music up load,
But i dont know how much more of it i can hear
I know im not allowed
I knew i shouldt have talked
I knew i shouldnt have spoken
I know ive done the biggest crim
And a promise i have broken

Oh god i never thought of that
Its something i would never do
You give you word to someone
Youre word you must be true
Oh no that makes it all the worse
I cant believe i never thought
I cant believe theve let me tell
Well know i know ill rot
I dont want to go away for ever
I dont want to not be a friend
I just wanted to stop the laughing
The smile, the jokes the pretence
I want someone to share with me
the mess ive got inside
I didnt do it to hurt
i done it to survive
Im sorry for betraying my word
its not something i would do
But i really was thinking of me
Not of harming you
SOrry
im going to switch this pc off now as im rattling and rattling on
and i dont like talking when im not thinking
as then i say way too much
plus i really need to rest my eyes
not sleep im not giving into that one yet,
but just to rest and listen for the steps,

Crashhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

I think im gonna crash
Ive been so uptight all day
On edge, to be expected i suppose,
But how is it, it is now after 2am
And im still wide awake,
No point going to bed now, is there
I hate this part, the being awake,
the stuff all swirling round and round in my head,
Ive read my letter again, then ive re-read
I even had a smile when i read it once
And a dry eye
Well nearly


The flashbacks have been so much better today
Its like that big part of my head
Is switched off as easy as a tiny wee switch
If only that meant i had a good day,
No it didnt there where still other things to contend with
But its a start i suppose,
But then tomoro i can do the same
The next probably again
Then by sunday it will be CRASH
as there comes a limit, and by then ill have reached mine,
So it will be back to bed,
Back to me
And back to hide,
Maybe thats all the relief im allowed
Maybe thats all the hate he can hide
If only i knew then maybe id know what to do

But i dont know, and i dont know if i ever will
Will i ever want to be "ME" in this big world
If he wont control me, and he cant say
Then who will say what happens to me today
God i think im even confusing myself more,
idiot that i am
but i suppose better to be hung for a sheep
as a lamb!!!!!!!!!!

Unhappy New Year

I cant believe New Year has been and gone
I cant quite believe we are in 2008
Im not in 2008,
Im so stuck in 1988
Or even before,
So twenty years wasted,
But what is time
time is a healer???
Is it fuck
Time is a reminder
Maybe it is,
Time is the enemy
Yes it is

Ive been tortured for days now
Ive had flashbacks for ever
Some of them are lasting for so long
Some of them are lasting too long
I could cope when they werent so long,
When they came in bits and bobs
But a full picture, a full episode
In a oner, im not coping with,
I decided to be an arse, buy some whizz
Im disgusted with myself
For not giving up, for not saying no
But i had to, i couldnt take no more
Or the images, the flashes, the pictures in my head
Ive tried to hide and run and spent all yesterday
Cuddled up in my bed,
But its not helping, they where still there
THERE TAKING OVER MY HEAD
So im gonna take some, forget for a while
And get on with my life
Get back to 2008,
Back to being, an adult, a mother and a wife