this shouldnt be this way

things shouldnt still feel this bad,
they shouldnt be as bad as this,
this is horriffic,
i feel sick
i want to die, but i want to live
i just want to live and be alive,
i have the greatest gift from god in my children
people think im selfish,
im not selfish
i dont want to leave them, i just dont want to be with them like this
i want to cry, but i cant do that,

things are getting darker and harder, WHY IS THIS
i want to be happy, i dont wake in the morning and say, lets feel shit again,
think people need toget that thought through there head
i dont WANT NOR TRY to feel like this,

my kids are walking on egg shells, my husband just looks at me now like he has had enough
how the fuck do they all think i feel,
i dont want to want to die
i dont want all these people in and out our life


i wish i had a wand, i cant trust anyone anymore,
think people have had enough of me,
i just want to feel better, i just want to becuddled to sleep,
and to sleep for a day, i want to cry, i want to die,
but i need to live,

help me

please someone help me
im all set to run, dont know where to go or when to stop,
they are all tucked up in bed, unaware,
i dont know what to do or how to get there

please someone help me,

just

im just holding on by the skin on my teeth and no more
im just holding on to save all the grief and no more,
i can t think of anything else but dying
i cant bear the thought of my girls crying,
but i cant bear the idea of my screwing them up either
im stuck in a life i can not live
being a wife i can not be
having thoughts i dont want to have
seeing images i dont want to see
i need this to be over now,
i thought it was
i need this to be over now
i pray to god,
please help me, please, please help me

fuck

whats happening, this is all a mess,
i cant stay where i am,
i cant stop going where i dont want to,
i just want to sleep ffs
music thumping, feet all over the place and biting my lip, gum etc all still happening
my feet are so so sore with rubbing them together,
i think this is it,
i wonder
who fkn knows
but this is not good, somewhat mental, feel like everything is going 100mph,
i feel the adrenilin move under my skin
music is all i need
i dont really care
is this really as good as it gets,
lets see what tomoro brings, its at least worth that,
its wednesday its allowed i think,
why do i feel five, i dont wanna feel so young anymore, i want my big people eyes, please,

thankyou

just went into somewhere i had no need to be, somewhere i had no thought of, somewhere i was sure id looked a hundred times and found my blankie, my blanket, my invisible cloak, ive looked for it for nearly a year and im really finding it weird as to where it was and why it was there but never mindi have it the one time i need it more than ever ever before,
so whatever, however and whyever i went there thanks, i feel safe again and best of all i found it at 4 o clock today, how weird is that, only me knows why, but it feels so safe tonight now, hope it lasts til morning, please god

ooooffffffffffffffffffftttttttttttttt

How did i get here,
How ever did i get back here,
Im sat at 12.40am with music thumping into my ears
i need to listen to the music to stop the thoughts racing,
music will give me something to concentrate on,
My stomach feels like im on a rollercoaster and i dont like it one little bit

Please please just go away and leave me alone,
i cant take much more of the noise, the frantic, scarey, horrid noise,
I cant cope much more with the things you say
please just go away
i thought it was getting better but you are defo here to stay

the music isnt working, the typing isnt working, my feet are all over the place

the wallls are coming in on me, i need to get out of here,
i dont know where to go, i dont know which path im meant to take

i wish you would just tell me, if you tell me ill listen
i promise ill listen, i always listen, you know i listen,

Im sorry for everything, im sorry for telling, ill never tell or talk anymore,
i promise i wont but please just leave me alone, i am scared and sore and feel sick and tired i need to sleep but i cant sleep what if you come back in, i want to know when to breath in, when to disapear, i dont want to have to disapear after you are here so i need to stay awake to see you, hear you, know you are coming to get me, im so so so sorry if i make you mad or sad, i dont want to or mean to ,

please just let me sleep andleave me alone, i need to be left alone for one night, for everynight,
i need to turn the music up, as the thoughts are still racing, the thinking is still there,im tired, the music will get me through if nothing else, maybe if i open my eyes it will get easier then again maybe it wont, if i keep them closed i can switch some of it off but then im not grounding myself,my poor band has lost its ping,