I'm fine

I'm fine

Thursday, 8 March 2018

To hospital or not???

I have the chance to maybe go into hospital for a week maybe(hopefully) to let my head rest to let my body rest and to just get over this anxiety, this bad place, this living hell.

Do I want to go
I would go in a heart beat I would go right now I would go there in a minute as i my head is telling me it's what I need. I know that it's maybe the only safe way to sort it out

Why not just jump at it then?
I'm scared of the stigma that will come with it if people find out
I'm scared I'll be on a ward of noisy people and come out worse
I'll miss out on my appts with my cpn and wiwith only three appts left before she leaves i don't want it to end at yesterday or not get a good ending to a relationship that I truly value
But most importantly of all what if my husband is so angry at me what if he thinks I don't appreciate all he does what if he doesn't get it? What if he hates me for it ? What if my kids know where I am. I know my kids and husband will cope great without me I've not been an equal partner of late and they are doing well but what if he thinks it's something I want and not something I need. Is it worth that risk?
I'm so confused I don't know what to do I really don't know what to do 😔😔😔 head or heart ???? I wish someone would tell me what to do.

Wednesday, 28 February 2018

Someone please help me

I have someone I can trust
I know I'm one of the lucky ones
Someone who has proved they are their for me but someone who still has to leave
But thankgod she told me she believes

I can't tell her I really truly actually plan to die as I don't want it to feel minupulitive when we are about to say bye
I don't want her t
So I have told her how bad I feel but I haven't told her I'm actually going to die (don't worry she can't read this)
The thing is I don't even want to die, I don't want to miss out on all the future memories
I don't want to miss see my little people succeed in life
I don't want to miss my calling, my purpose, my reason for being as I haven't found that yet
But the flashbacks the trauma the reminder of it all. The desperate to tell it all but never being able the wanting to talk for hours but not knowing the words to use and running out of time badly to do it.
So what the point of this the point is I have my plan, I am ready, I am going to end it and let the others rest easy. But I am scared I'm making the wrong choice but who can I ask?? It's time to just suck up and suicide as no one is able to rescue me and the sad thing is I want rescued

What's the answer?

Stick a fork in me I'm done
I think the time for me has come
To end this torture
At last
Before I can get anymore bashed

You are torturing me
It's fkn hell
Your making me ill I feel
So unwell
Time to run and not look back
Time to finish this for one last time
As I can't continue on my own just fine

I don't want to be at this place
I really wanted to win this race
But you will always have full control
And I can't do it on my own

Stick a fork in me
Because I am done
Time to leave time to run
Stick a fork in me I am done
My life is over I can't even have fun

But what if I dont want to let you win
How can I do this how do I swim?
What is the answer? What can I do
To get on, get over and get a life without you
Haunting and hurting and keeping it real
Just leave me please just leave me to feel
Content or nothing or even just safe
That's all I want in this place

Wednesday, 14 February 2018

The nightmare I'm waking

My perfect rock bottom.
I can't live like this anymore
I can't feel like I'm on the floor

You have well and truly fucked me over
I can't let go I can't move on and you know why
Why would I decieve you so.....
Yeah I told I've told my story now
Now what what are you going to do??
Are you gonna stay true?
I'm waiting for you... I'm waiting for you....
I have nothing to fear now
Nothing NADA fuck all
Because the worse you done
You do, anything else will feel like a relief
A break no more of this none

My beautiful trauma, my drug, my fkn end
My perfect rock bottom I'm in control of this part I'll find a way out before you get me of that you can be sure .

Tuesday, 13 June 2017

I need a sign I'm looking for a sign it feels like time

I'm so so scared
It feels like time
Everything feels right
I hear you tell me
I hear everyone else
I know it's time but I'm still scared

Give me a sign
Let me know it's right
Let me know it's time
To come and meet my maker

Friday, 14 April 2017

When all else fails disappear with your cloak of invisibility 😉 I'm sure induced dissociation would be heavy frowned upon but better to go for an hour than forever?

Goodbye noise

No words left, no words needed, I am done.

I fight so hard to live
Fight daily to survive
Fight in secret to breathe
Fight in secret to be alive
Smile my way through each day
So my loved ones don't need to pay
Exist an existence of pretence
Time has come to end???
I hear him tell me it's a sign...

Prove he is wrong for once
This isn't the only way it's to be done

Thursday, 30 March 2017

Suicide is it really a choice ?

It's not a choice
For many it's an only option
It's not lonely when your dead
It's not scary when your dead
It doesn't matter who believes you when your dead
No one can get in your head when your dead
You are in control of dying
You are in control of living
So why does existing feel so out of control

Wednesday, 1 March 2017

Just keep breathing

Just breath....
It's all you can do is breath,
Don't let them win now,
Why can't you quiet the loud

The struggle is real
What's the deal
I hate the way you are making me feel
I don't want to be your secret no more
I can't be 5, 6,7 or 8  and i can't be your whore, I can't I hate

I'm sorry to say this
I know you will be pissed 
But I cant live 
If this is how it is
I've listened for years to you 
Inside my head 
But now it's so different I just wish I was dead
I hate the way that I have no control
I'm empty I've lost my very soul 

About Me

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Im a women who is slowly learning to survive, who is taking a journey into the past in order to gain a future. I have ptsd, bpd and suicidal ideation. I often wander if i would have any of that if it wasn't for the mess, the past.