tired, tired, tired,

God im so tired,
I cant sleep
He wont let me
Ive had sick kids
All week,
I dont need his sickness now
I cant take his torture
I cant handle the pain

I hate feeling shame
I hate feeling blame,
If i cant blame me
Who do i blame???

I read a letter today
Clever or wot
I cried a little
Though not with they thoughts
Ive never been praised as much
As i felt in one line
To think someone,
Thinks ill be fine

Its a good feeling
One i want to hold
But i cant im not aloud
And i do what im told
Im rambling rubbish
So im sorry for that

But its the only way
I can get rid of this and that
I dont want to hear
What he can say
My mp3 broke tonight,
So i need to listen to his shite,

I said today, that it helped me so much,
Got one more song, now its use is no such
They say he has no power
I say that shows it all
He wants to make sure i hear him
He wants to makes sure i know
What he is gonna do
To his stupid little hoe

Ramblings from my head

Im so so tired,
Im exhausted
Im drained
Im hurting
Im sore
The reality
The shame

I want to go
Never return
Not be a daughter
Not be a mum
Get rid of the past
Get rid of it all
Be nothing
If i cant be it all

Help me escape
No matter what it takes
Take me away
To a place that im free
He is killing me slowley
Like he said he would
With his threats, his noise
His mouth of abuse

I shouldnt bad mouth
I shouldnt listen to others
They "didnt know me" he says
They "dont know you"
"youre evil" "your dirty"
comments on cue

Im trying to ignore
But for how long, how more
Im trying to disapear
But he will get me i fear
I need to run
Anway from it all
Or get so low
That i can not fall

But i know its true
And thats whats worse
Ill get through this
No matter what

So ill do the work,
Ill take the plunge
And pray he wont get me
Ill judge it then
What i need to do
Ill play by ear and waite and see
But ive had enough of all this shit
Or being a little girl, his little bit

Im scared
Im confused
But i know its needed
For me to have a break
I need to speak,
talk his talk,
i need to repeat
hes warned me not to,
but she assures me ill be fine
so im trusting her,
and no longer will i hide,


Just need to take big deep breaths

Im in a daze

I dont know where i have been today,
Ive had 24hours or more of being afraid
Its been constant, solid, not with a break
What have i done to deserve this, fuck sake

Ive been scared so much
Ive just went away
Ive dissociated for all of the day

I feel numb now, shit now
What is the point
Of life, of living
When ive just been a toy

How could he tell me it was all about me
When know i realise that i shouldnt have believed
The reality of it all has hit me too hard
That i feel shame, ashamed, and sad

Why me, why me why did i have to be
Put with these people who wanted to use me
They told me im bad, they tell me it now
Naughty, dirty but loved, not a cow

Yet they didnt love me like they said
They werent thinking of me when they were in my bed
They were thinking of them, and what they could get
not me, not me or what they have left

Im angry at me for believing it all
for not seeing the truth for not knowing at all
I was never loved, not once by no one at all
So what was the point of me being here, to fall

Im scared and angry that now its all over
I need to believe that i was just there rover
there dog, there bitch there bit to use
There torture, there fun, there thing to abuse

Where was the love if it wasnt from him
It was no where, from no one,
Everyone was born to be loved,
Its a shame no one knew,
That i was so wrong that they just couldnt do

I must be the worst the worst the worst in the world
the terrible person i sometimes was told,
"Im doing it for you, because i love you"
"Dont tell anyone they would just be jeoulous"
Oh how fuckin stupid,
I should have listened to him, when he was drunk and angry
"I hate you, your naughty" "you deserve what you get"
"You can not tell or ill make you forget"
He has told me this all day, he has made me so scared,
Hes told me he will hurt me for doubting his love
I can not cope with the pressure he is putting on me
so im disapearing as much as i can

rock bottom

ive finally done it,
its official
i thought id done it before,
but little did i know i hadnt
well ive done it now
ive hit it
ive really hit rock bottom,
when i stop doing things even for a second
there is only one thing i want to do
when i close my eyes theres only one person there
when i open them, he is still there,
i try not to hear, but its there
i try not to listen but i need too
i fear not doing it

Im exhausted ive hardly slept
i want to roll up into a ball and die
i wish i could do this, i really wish i could
things that keep me going, arent keeping me going anymore
im just trying to keep busy but not working now
i thought i was getting better then all this has happened,
i knew i wasnt better, i knew i had a lot of work to do
but i never for one minute thought i would end up in this sorry state
i see too much now, i dont want to see it,
i dont want to hear it,
but he wont leave me alone,
i cant cope with the torture for much longer,
will this ever stop, without me stopping,
how much longer do i go on trying before i give up???
how long is too long,
or not long enough
i dont know anymore,

where is everyone?????????????????

when you need someone no one is near
when you shout someone no one can hear
yet when he stops you from talking
there everywhere,

do i want to find someone to stop me
or am i glad that no one can
its weird i make a promise
i keep my word

ive phoned, who else can i phone,
but no one is there, so i tried to keep my promise
havent i,
ive tried to keep my word and not do something "stupid"
yet its the least "stupid" thing to do,
one more person i can phone and then thats that,
no one can say i didnt try, no one can say i broke a promise,
no one can say i didnt keep my word,
because i have, i really bloody have,
what more can i do,
what can i do,
maybe it was always meant to be this way, and end this way,
i dont know, maybe just maybe a greater force is showing me what way it is i need to turn to next and we all know he aint a force to be reckoned with,
he aint a force to be messed with, he gets what he wants, no matter how he gets it,

this song

My daughter has this song in her playlist,
i was listening to it today,
i was crying with it today
and i feel it is so true to how i feel
it is a kelly clarkson song, because of you"

Because of you
I never stray too far from the sidewalk
Because of you
I learned to play on the safe side so I don't get hurt
Because of you
I find it hard to trust not only me, but everyone around me
Because of you
I am afraid

I lose my way
And it's not too long before you point it out
I cannot cry
Because I know that's weakness in your eyes
I'm forced to fake
A smile, a laugh everyday of my life
My heart can't possibly break
When it wasn't even whole to start with

Because of you
I never stray too far from the sidewalk
Because of you
I learned to play on the safe side so I don't get hurt
Because of you
I find it hard to trust not only me, but everyone around me
Because of you
I am afraid

I watched you die
I heard you cry every night in your sleep
I was so young
You should have known better than to lean on me
You never thought of anyone else
You just saw your pain
And now I cry in the middle of the nightFor the same damn thing

how true, i do not trust, i do not love, i do not care and all i feel is fear
and it is only because of you, your friends and family,
why me??????????????????????????????

its been a while

Its been a while since i wrote on this
why???
because when i write here, its real
I need to admit how bad things are
I truley dont know how ill make it through this,
im now plummiting to below rock bottom
though what can i do about it,

i want it all to end
I can see the long way and i can see the short cut
i just dont know which way to take
i know the short cut, is the cowards way out,
i know the long way is a road ive never travelled before,
maybe thats why i wasnt aware of how rocky it would be

I need to blame, i know i need to blame
i cant get passed this in my head, im stuck
i cant do it, how can i possible do it,
i need to talk to someone NOW, is that not always the way
I saw my hv yesterday and told her i was fine, and hashed round the houses,
as i do so so well

How can i do anything else,
can i really tell her i want to run away
i hate living this shitey existence every day
i fear for what is ahead, more so i fear what is behind
I was at the hospital last week, for a small procedure
And i have been so freaked out since then,
ive been a child more than an adult,
I fear everything, im jumping at the least wee thing,
I read an article last week, and the major jumpiness was noted in the article
which made me feel better but it didnt stop the jumping,

Im so highly strung, ive self harmed for the first time in so so long
i feel such a failure for doing it,
but i had to i was so so angry, with me, with that wee girl i am
that wee girl i once was, that gullable little tart that has made me so,
so i cut her, and let her bleed and felt her pain, and let her feel the pain,
the pain that i feel everyday, the sore that i feel everyday, though now i could
see it, it was there,
the shame i feel, the shame that i am, then i could see this too,
as there is nothing more shamefull than a cut leg, to make you feel worse,
and thats what i deserve, is it not,

he told me, that my psych thinks im as bad as him,
she told me she doesnt,
who do i believe, i know who i want to believe,
but how can i, when i need to believe everything he tells me
DO YOU KNOW WHAT HAPPENS IF YOU DONT????????

god im tired

Why is it when im so tired i can never sleep
the powers that be make sure of that
Its so infuriating, so annoying
and pisses me off soo much,

Im tired, i feel sick
im just sick and tired of always being sick and tired,
Ive had enough of having enough

Big deep breaths needed
big brave deeo breaths
and ill get through another say,
ill get through today
and i can fight again
and breath again tomorow

cry cry cry

Ive hid the day away,
ive wished the day away
i stayed in bed and slept the day away,

Why do i have to do this,
Im so so tired, i feel sick
Ive had enough of feeling shit,

I dont want to be near people,
I think they know
thay can see what ive been hiding
they will think im a ?????

I give out the vibe now
Theres no where to hide now
Ive told things and started the ball rolling
so ive to expect to get a public mauling

I know they are all disgusted
They think im dirty
But i try to be nice and try to be friendly
But why be friends with me???

The horrible, dirty, bad and naughty me
I wouldnt want to be my friend either
I wouldnt want to know me either,
so i blame no one, how can i?????

I feel pretty scared
But i need to go to bed
Ill put on the tunes
Try and block out my head,

When will i be a survivor and not one in the making???
Will it ever happen, will i ever be saved
can i handle the pain, the fear and the hurt
that might get me there?????????????????????????

i need to speak

i must have said this same sentance a hundred times
i must have said it so much in the last week or two
I NEED TO SPEAK, I WANT TO SPEAK, I NEED TO SEE IF SPEAKING WILL EMPTY MY HEAD
I CANT HELP, MAYBE THERE COMES A TIME, IS THIS WHAT HAPPENS TO EVERYONE?????
DO THEY TELL IN BITS N BOBS, DO THEY SPEAK IN PUZZLES, DO THEY WORK ON BITS,
THEN BEFORE THEY CAN WORK ON ANYMORE THEY KNOW THEY NEED TO FINALLY SAY IT AND SAY IT ALL.............
BUT THEN WHAT, i know what you told me to say nothing, or i know what would happen ive lived to long like this, or ive existed too long like this, that without it ill never know, i know what you are saying to me just now, shhhhhhhhhhhhhh
but i cant im so so sorry, g, i just cant, do what you have too do, but its time that i need to, as my head feels like its gonna explode anytime soon, i know i can hear you tell me not to, but im trying to block you out, i can see what you are meaning
but ive been like this too long,
and no more is it just for me,

im sorry i cant, i just cant, im trying but ive tried and im so so sorry for betraying you, it doesnt mean im bad, its just what i need to do:

im devastated

I cant believe im having to go off line
this pc has to go back to its owner and mine is still broke
i dont know how long ill be internetless for,
though i know ill never cope,
this IS A SAFE WAY TO COPE
I know that now, it is the safest way i know
How will i ever get rid of some of what is going on if i cant do this
How can i ever explain some of how i feel if i dont have this
Ill be left to self harm, hybernate and let it build up inside me
It may be short term or it may be for longer,
But ill never manage and ill never cope
This is the only way i know
My head is wasted as it is just now, and im scared
scared of what im going to hear next week
scared of what it is i have shared
but i need to hear it, i need to know and i need this to be more real
I need to talk, I NEED TO SAY/SPEAK AND VOCALISE
it all but ill be prepared for all that,
Ill take my music, ill take my cover to hide,
Ill take lots of deep breaths and ill try not to be too scared
Ill try to stay in the present when i talk of the past
I need to remember what age i am
Not let myself forget
people keep saying im safe now, yet ive never felt so unsafe in my life
im rememebering how scarey it really was and i need to remember that it shouldnt be now, but how can i do that
i try to explain that it isnt in the past it is so so much the hear and now
but people just dont understand that,
i always knew i was different, always knew i wasnt the same
maybe thats why no one understands me, why no one else hears
though i think they dont want to hear,
or dont want to admitt that they hear, maybe they do hear what he is saying
maybe they fear it too, but maybe they just cant accept it, or dont want to accept it
Im so scared that i will lose the plot without my internet
i was told today that millions live without it,
and i do not doubt that, but these same millions probably never had it
these same millions probably dont need it the way i do
im scared that it will be too hard,
im scared that im gonna give up,
though i have took some pills before and im still here, so that wont work next time
Im scared that ive said too much that he is just waiting
im so so stuck in a rut, waiting on him coming to get me, though he is torturing me and taking his time
though if i go and get him then he has won, ive saved him and ill never know
ohhh i dont know how ill manage or how ill cope though i do know it wont be easy
it wont be productive and no doubt it wont be safe,
i wish i didnt know, i wish i didnt have to waite, i wish i could hybernate.......

...

i cant stop crying
maybe i need to cry
maybe the time has come to cry and stop trying to control it
but then im losing control of my body
and that aint good,
i havent updated things in a wee while,
i just havent felt strong enough to say what i feel
i havent felt strong enough to let my mind walk,
to let my fingers type what i should talk
but i suppose i should do it for some realise,
and it can only help, im just scared
i feel vulnerable,
i feel change is near
i cant really decide what way to take it
but i feel total fear
im sick of people telling me how well im doing
when i know it is bullshit, if they knew they wouldnt say that
people need to look past what i show, then maybe then they will truley know


Im so so scared to love, and i admitted that at last
so it feels a weight off my shoulders, pity i cant do same with the rest,
i know the love ive felt in the past, and it was sore, and scary and i cant give that to anyone else,
why cant anyone understand this,
this was love, this was the only true love i knew,
the only real love i know, he does love me, he did love me
he constantly tells me so, and he told me then what he does today
so please dont tell me to love anyone
maybe you have to learn to truley love yourself before you love anyone else
the trying not to love hurts me more, than loving ever would,
the numbing, the things im missing out on, the things i can not do
why do i have to get better, why couldnt i have continued to numb,
id have got there like many probably do and probably have
i cant believe ive spoken to people about this, said things i dont recall
what the fuck does that say about me,
how can i watch what im saying if i dont know what im saying
thats just not safe,
there were things i wasnt warned about, times when nothing was said,
or times when nice things were said like how much he loved me,
"im not hurting you, dont be silly, your my big girl now, you know how much i love you", "you know we both love you, thats why we want you here"
"your the special girl, the biggest specialist girl in the town"
"trust me silly cookie", "Dont worry i wont let them take you away, it can be our secret and you will be safe"
that doesnt sound like someone being evil, or someone being bad, that is someone who loves me, why is that wrong, why does that have to be wrong and everything else right, why can it not just be that yep that was the way, his way, there way because they loved me and as long as i never love anyone again ill be safe and they will be safe, i dont know why people cant understand that, its just better this way, its not what i want, no way, but its the only way i know, and i expect to much,
if i went to spain and someone had a whole conversation with me in spanish, i wouldnt have a clue, if someone translated it into english id be fine as thats all i know, this is the same,
maybe i need someone to translate for me
or maybe i need to learn bit by bit and do that myself,

and still it continues

Well it is nearly 430am, not only have i not slept,
Ive not even ventured to my room
Im passed sleepy and im wide awake again
My head is full of things i need it not to be full of,
I was thinking earlier am i getting any better
flashbacks are still there,
its the same ones with a few new bits
they are getting no worse but are getting no better
the dreams, if and when i ever sleep are worse
the feeling in the pit of my stomache is so much worse
the self hatred/self loathing is as it should be so no change there
I was chatting to my hv today about anything of no importance
as thats what im good at
the want to die, the feeling of needing to die, the urge to die
is so so strong, im trying to busy myself so i dont feel or think
im trying to be numb and im dissociating as much as i can
I wanted to share that today when i was asked how i felt,
but how can I, How can I possible say that after last time,
What would that mean another letter to the gp,
Once bitten twice shy
I suppose the only time from now on any one will know the truth
about feeling like this, will be when i know ive made enough happy memories
And i succeed
Im getting there, im painting on fun for all, im creating happy memories
and hope that by the time i feel there are enough to look back on that maybe
I will want to make more, and not feel like this,
but i realised that i can write it down and i can talk around it
but untill i actually speak out loud what they done to me
what was said,
what i felt, how i hid it,
how i tried to show it
untill i vocalise all of this can i ever move on
i know ive talked about what happened
though i havent really openly discussed it,
I havent went into a session with my psych and initiated it
I havent detailed what i see, what i hear and untill i do
i can deny it, i dont own it and i am doing what is safe
I was not told if i wrote it down id die,
I was not told if i wrote it down i would be punished
I was not told if i wrote it down i would be disowned
I WAS TOLD THIS WOULD HAPPEN IF I SPOKE
so untill i speak i can never really know
Untill i test it i will always fear it
its ironic though as for the first time in 20+year i have been ready to speak
And i dont know that i will still feel this brave in 2weeks
I NEED TO TALK NOW
how fucked up is that ive had the chance a hundred time
with many chances to talk to my psych and now i want to
now i need to and now i so so have to do this and get rid of all this shit
AND I CANT
I never thought i would feel trust for her,
Never thought i would want to talk to her and
I certainly wouldnt have thought i would miss her
yet this is now turning into a major struggle
its funny how long 4weeks can feel yet a year ago
i would have lapped up a 4week break, thought nothing of it
i suppose there is just no justice

...........................

dreams

Why do my dreams have to be nightmares?
Why cant a have a dream?
Why cant i look to the future?
Why can i just see where ive been?

Ive had enough of thinking
Of dreaming the worst i can
Ive had enough of sinking
Depair and depair in despair,

Im sad and lonely and scared
And i want to go to bed
But how can i possible
With all this crap in my head

God I hate the fear
The voice, that voice i hear
I hate the feeling in my stomache
The feeling he is always near

Help me god get through tonight
Tomoro maybe ill fight
I doubt it god,
But maybe you can help me tomoro
TOO

having enough,
head full of this
Need to talk
finally get rid
Maybe if i speak it
It will finally go
Maybe if i speak the memories
Oh god, i dont know

MY HEAD: Whats in it???

My head is mush........
ive tried so much to tell you whats in it
But i cant, i try
I try so so much
so this is probably the easiest way,
Ive written on here so much the last day or two
But then it is easier for me, and everyone else this way
I feel so so sick with the shit thats going on in my head,
The flashbacks are haunting me,
They are taking over every minute, every moment and it is not good,
Im trying not to let them take over, but getting no where,
Ive tried my flashcards, tried to flick my wrist,
Not tried the smelling salts as ive ran out,
But im trying everything else ,everything i know of and getting no where
I feel sick to the stomache with it all
I feel dirty and disgusted with the things i can see, feel, smell and experience,
I feel scared by the voice i hear, telling me how dirty i am,
how awfull i am
how bad i am,
yet other people tell me im caring and im nice and im good and im a good mum
yet he tells me ill never be a good person, ill never be good, ill never be clean
i get what i want, what i ask for and what i dont stop
I try to stop it but i cant, i dont know how to
Im numb with fear when he comes near me, so how can i stop it....
I love him, of course i do, but then you love family dont you, you have no choice,
I want to run away and i want to finish it all now,
I have ideas, of course i do, but then how can i do that, how can i make sure people are ok if im not here to do that,
So im confused, half the time im thinking im four,five maybe even six and i feel so scared that i want it over then the other half the time im here, in the here and now and i know how to make it over but then im a mum, and a good mum would love her kids, not let them grow up to feel the way i do now, and my kids will only grew up screwed up if i left them now, but will they grew up screwed up if i stay anyway who knows??????????
The pit of my stomache feels sick and i just want to lie in a corner and cry and cry and cry, does that make me such a bad person???? Does that make me selfish or sarcastic or lazy or a bitch????
I want to scream and tell people how much im hurting, how scared i am, how much i fear to live like this for much longer, But i cant thats not what im like, i dont like to admit how i feel,
I wish you were my mum sometimes, but then you know that, as you wouldnt have let this happen, you wouldnt have left me and even if it had have happened then now when i feel like this you would give me a cuddle and make it all better as if you were my mum then i wouldnt repulse you, would i???not the way i do with everyone else, i try to make sure the house is clean and im clean and the kids are clean, but the dirt inside cant be washed no matter how much bleach i use, can it???
god this probably has just made you think ive lost it so much more, maybe i have i dunno,
All i know is that this is what is in my head now, right now, and i need to be free from it, even if just for a day or two,

im still here.......

Cant quite believe im still here.....
I honestly thought he would have taken me last night
Im gutted that im still here,
But i suppose i shouldnt be so stupid,
WHY WOULD HE TAKE ME
When he knows thats what i want
I know he says he only done what i wanted,
Ive asked and made sure he know that i wanted to go
And nope im still here, so does that mean he doesnt just do what i want
He does and done what he wanted?????
Surely then that would mean there was no love
If he didnt love me, then it makes it all wrong,
I cant cope with that, with wrong,i cant cope with him being bad,
Me not being bad, i cant cope with that either,
I have to be bad, i have to be in the wrong, or everything i know is wrong,
And that just is not good,
i gave him the chance last night, to prove he only does what i want
saying that i didnt really want to go, doesnt prove nothing
Only i know that, only i know wether i truley do or dont,
I KNOW i dont want him in my life anymore, in my head, talking to me,
but he is still there, so he doesnt just do what i want.....
I need someone to help me and help me soon as im slipping into the hole
the pit and ive lost the grip with my finger tips, the grip has went
So i will ask again, and again and when he allows it, then he will do as he needs
WONT HE, OR WILL HE???????????????????
I need to leave this world behind and hopefully keep a watchfull eye over all that matter from afar.
But im so so scared, if it is taken out my hand and he does it for me, makes it happen then it will be so so much easier on everyone else,
But that just aint gonna happen, is it??
Am i kidding myself thinking he has this power????
But if i am, then what does all this mean,
I cant block him out, yet i cant listen to him allways,
when he says such horrible things,
I know im not a nice girl, i know i wanted it,
he doesnt have to tell me this all the time, it doesnt change anything
so it is pointless, aint it???
or is it???
Im so confused, wish i was here alone, then i could do what was needed,
I have to think of everyone else all the time, and if i was a selfish lazy bitch like somepeople believe i would have went by now, ran or done,
i cant believe im still here, but i am, so i need to just sort it, get on with this as this is obviously what im going to be left with, isnt it

god almighty can i go on much more

You know i swear there is a force
It is out to get me and it is doing such a god job that it will win soon
I feel so so crap,
I had my hv over today, what would i do without this women I truly dont know
Sometimes i see her like a confident, a mum, a gaurdian angel,
Sometimes i see her as hell as i keep my word to her then im here aint i
Going through hell everyday, so if she cared she wouldnt want that,
God i dont know
I was ready to talk and to tell her how mad i felt, how bad i felt, how much the stories in the paper, in the magazines are freaking me out,
Ill never live if it comes out, not like this,
Ive tried to think of it as coincidence, but how can I
the place is the same the time is the same, surely that cant be coincidence
surely surely not,
Im so scared to go on thinking anymore
I wanted to talk today, god i truley did,
But the forces work against me, they always do,
I know im not meant to talk, but maybe i need to, maybe someone somewhere, sometime
I just have too,
I cant waite another week, how can I?
Will i even be here in a week?
The touching me in my sleep, the touching me when im awake
The torturing my mind, traumitizing me when im trying to take out my kids
Its not fair anymore, Im keeping him alive, thats what they tell me, without me there would be no him, so why am i staying, why am I allowing him to go on,
If i had the courage to heal, id have the courage to end it all
In that id be healing me, helping my hv and psych move on in there lives
without worrying of me,
Helping my kids have the life they deserve getting to nursery, swimming, skating, softplay, toys in the house, toys over running the house, messy play, anyplay, but they would be getting what they want and need and they would get all that without me,
I would get peace, serenity, and what else do i need and he would get destroyed
once and for all he would be over, ended and forgot about
As if im the only thing keeping him alive then WHY???
He is the only thing keeping me here in this sory state too,
So without him, would mean without me, but it would mean safety for everyone else
Im so confused, ive never felt so scared and confused for so long
They do really know, they bloody well do,
How could they, i really want more now than ever before, hv or psych to walk in here
and give me a cuddle like im not dirt im not shit but im scared im alone and im a little girl just needing a mum or someone to care, is that so so much to ask,
IS IT SO SO HARD TO ASK
i know beurocracy has gone mad in the world we live in, workers protect themseles again and again, but is that really all it is, or am i so so repulsive,
I am I know I am,
id be so better off in no where, i dont deserve heaven nor hell,. though nothing would be fine, im used to numb and nothing and i can cope with that
anyone who reads this and knows where Im at, then i truley am sorry for you
Anyone who reads this and knows where im going, then im sorry for you too, sorry i couldnt stick around and change the path
x.x.x
thanks

Fergie - Big Girls Don't Cry lyrics
Fergie - Big Girls Don't Cry lyrics

it seemed like so far away....then its gone

I cant believe today has been and gone,
today is the day that was decided on some time ago as d-day
My final appointment, the end of my journey
Yet sitting here now it feels like the beginning of the journey,
Tomoro i should have been going on a holiday, Sunday i should have been celebrating
HOW CAN I????
Holiday was cancelled, my birthday is partially cancelled,
The extended family are all out of speaking with me, and liking me
So no cards from them, my hubbie doesnt have to bother as i treated myself and told him not too
And who else will there be
I dont want a fuss as i dont want to think
Another year wasted, another year stolen, another year of UNCONDITIONAL love on my side
NO ONE ELSES
Another year of being controlled, another year of no control
Another year of fear, tears and scared little me
So why go through it, why celebrate it, Ill get the visit or two
From those that really care, those that see my pain and support me regardless
The rest aint worth it,
I still cant believe the things i was told today, just made me analyse and think tonight,
Is that why today was to be the end??? to enable them to go no bother.
I feel fearfull that the one day will go to no day soon and then, yep he was right,
NEXT TO GO
all afternoon he told me how bad i was, how much she didnt care about me, thats why she said the lies she did, How much i did want it, so why deny it, why allow lies to be printed by saying it was for him that i wanted to belive that, he knew it was me that wanted it, he told me so
I dont know head is a pile of mush but hey better than worse i suppose

scared.........alone.........sad...........

I dont know how i feel,
Im tired
But im wide awake,
There is no way ill sleep tonight now
Its so annoying and so infuriating
Im getting really scared,
Scared of what the next week will bring
Scared that when the time comes to talk more
Ill not be able too
Scared ill always feel scared
Scared to change from all i know
I feel like im making a move
Im accepting things more,
Im accepting that whats happened, happened
And me staying silent, protects lots
but it changes nothing
So thats good, thats a change at least
I cant except im not to blame
I want too, i need too and i have too
for my sake, for sanity and for a point in life
BUT I CANT
I cant erase 20+ years of thoughts, though im trying
I cant ignore what he is saying, ive tried and it just makes him say more
I cant betray and i cant risk
Ive been on a journey for ages now
Its not been an easy journey,
And its really only beginning,
There are lots ahead, but i need to face it
I NEED TO TAKE THIS JOURNEY
or the hurt, the fear, the upset, the shit ive felt so far
have been for nothing
I really want to go to sleep
But i cant
I tried NO CHEMICALS, but still the flashbacks,
I felt more sad, more scared, more panicked and more suicidal
But i tried and i will try,
Ive felt like writing things down, but i dont know what to write
I never used to think what i wrote, but now i feel i need to think
If there is a structure to the writing it serves purpose,
So ive just not written, though at least the next time i need to talk
There is a baseline to start at already
Im glad i done that as i probably would do little, or as little as allowed
And that just hurts me more, angers me more, and makes me pissed off at myself
Im waffling now, waffling rubbish,
Wish i could let my head go on holiday, it needs it,
The confusion, betrayal and fear inside me is so much that my head feels ready to burst
Hey if only,
Its weird how when you feel like you are ready, you feel you have started to talk and you feel real, REAL trust for the first time ever, it feels like forever before you can speak again,
yet when you dont want to talk and you are struggling to trust the time goes by so much quicker,
I really need this next week to go in quicker than the last
Or maybe my head will explode,

DRUGS

"cause the drugs dont work they just make you worse
but i know ill see your face again...."


they may not work but temporary relief and some control is better than nothing
please get out my head, please

im going for a record

Im going for a record the longest awake state ever
Or it feels it
I felt so so drained earlier, now i feel wide awake again
Its because its nighttime,
Its because it is dark
Im scared
Im aware
Im stupid
Im not here
Im there
Im over here
Help me please
Save me please....



I am trying so hard
And today feels like it was worth it
But then tonight im getting tortured
And i jut feel like shit
Im trying to get something back
But i cant, ive tried
Ive had enough, Im wacked!!!
Please help me, I trust you to do so
I dont deserve the time thats invested
I dont deserve to be heard and be listened
But i NEED it, i need me now,
Im trying to be angry
But i cant
How can I,
Its not allowed
Im believeing what you tell me
As much as i can, as much as im allowed
But thats not much
Why cant you hear him, why cant you listen
He said because you dont believe us
But if you dont I have nothing.

omg i aint even been to sleep

I didnt realise how late/early it was till my kids woke up
God only knows how i passed the night
I was on the net and going from one page to the next
Have toothache, though it isnt as bad as it was
But its a great excuse for not going to bed
Will i ever get back to sleeping like a
NORMAL PERSON
again, ever again, doubt it
Ive been scared to write on here for last few days
Scared what id say, what i wouldnt
so i avoided it at all costs,
though now i suppose i feel i need to
I need to re-ground myself and prepare for another bloody day
This is so awfull
Only 12-13hours til the kids are back in bed
So only that amount of time to function
Ive taken a panic attack already and they have only been awake for half an hour
They are not misbehaving,
Just my head that is, god im all over the place
Breath.....for god sake breath you stupid cow,
Im so trying, though i wonder if it is worth the effort sometime
A long long day ahead with a diet of cigs n tea to keep me, me
Keep me sane, or as sane as can be
With me that is not really that sane
This is the 70th post i have made on here,
I could make a book with this soon
Give someone a laugh
I wonder if i will ever make it to post 100
Probably not,
I wonder if ill make it to 7o clock the way i feel right now
Yep, I know im a stupid cow, but im trying so very very hard,
Im really trying, it just im so trapped, so stuck and so god damn scared
ohh i really need to go to sleep,
BIG TIME, forever and a day would be good......

Now the end is near its time to face my final curtain

Only i never done it all my way
but i can do some things my way
Im scared yet calm
I cant believe how numb to the ones i love ive become
Im slowly switiching off my feelings to them
Im slowly switching off my hurt for them
Im slowly switching off the guilt i feel
for leaving them to deal
And when the buttons all go off they will be free
And so will i
Free from thought free from pain
to live a life in purgatory
x.x.x

who/what/why???? confused???

Well i feel so confused
I feel so scared
I feel so unreal
Though i suppose i am starting over
I am a blank canvas
Lets hope we get a nicer picture this time
I feel relieved to know that i have an alley
Relieved that i can trust, its safe to trust
I feel safe knowing that i can talk
Though i feel confused wondering if i belong....
Where am I now,
What am i worth
Who am I
Where am I going,
Its time to learn it all again
Do it better, let go of the pain
Thats the plan and it will be hard
But the only way ill get anywhere
Is if i trust,so i have no choice
I feel safe, I dont know why
But i need to find out,
Who am I?????

to do or not to do that is the question????

I am in a state of confusion this morning....
A state of fear
A state of anger
But thats not fair
I shouldnt feel anger
I can not feel fear
I hate having feelings
I just wish i wasnt here
TO DO....
is the easy way out,
it is better for all around
it will help the kids n him
to get on in life without this bum
to be happy without being brought down
surrounded by love and cheer
not me n my fear
TO NOT....
cause then he has won,
I cant finish what ive started
I cant be a mum
I cant ensure there safety
I cant protect and love
Or can i do that better from above??

I just cant decide whats better whats worse
Do i stay and fight or do i just give up
I have little fight left inside to give
Will that come more if i choose to live
I dont know anymore
I dont know what to do,
yet im sure people think im not being true,
They underestamate the chances of me doing it
So do i do what he says and just prove it to them all
Prove im not lying, prove i can fall
Or is he pushing me for his own sake
does he want me to do it so his memory is safe
Arghhhh I really dont know
Do i listen to people that i trust and who seem to care
And let them guide me to another place, somewhere
Or do i listen to him, to all i know
and let him take me, decide to go,
im so confused, and so scared, yet i feel very calm
i truley dont know what to do,
i dont want to hurt, i dont want to upset,
im scared to hurt and im scared to let people down
But at the same time, im scared not to do as he tells me so
Im scared to live, as if i dont, who will he get,
If he is only alive in my head!!!then surely its better if im dead
then he will not survive anymore and can hurt no one.....
help me please before i lose the plot,help me make this decision
why does it have to be mine???
can no one make it for me, then it wont be my fault.....

it seemed like a good idea

Today was the hardest in a long long time
Yet when i made the decision it seemed so right
I thought id help others to understand
Yet it couldnt as it just made me feel bad
How can i tell the plans that i had to so
when i knew i was letting down the person whos helped me most
How could i possibel hope to ask for help
when i was so so scared to hurt her self
How stupid of me to think it would be ok
How daft of me to think it was safe
I left on my own to think too long
So what did they talk of, what did they say
Why did she not walk me on my way
the psych and I always leave together
but not today, did they speak forever
Its made me feel worse and worried and scared
I really shouldnt trust anyone but him,
I should listen when he warns and tells me the truth
As at the end of the day he is the one with the proof

Its ironic what i wanted and got,
as i left without it, without giving my word
Without a promise or mention
so I am free to go forth
Though he says that he planned all this so........
He wanted them together, to show they didnt care
And my life on here is over, not fair,
Though karma, deserved, whatever, who knows
He made his decision and they proved, so here goes!!!!!!!!!

t.g.i.w

Thank God Its Wednesday
I never thought i was gonna get to today
I said i would
I was told i had to
But i didnt think I would
But i have
My finger tips are slipping
And im holding on
Though for how much longer
I dont know
For how much more
I dont know
I should be gratefull i got to here
If i can do that
I can get to next week
And the next surely
Though i am holding on and only just
maybe its time i was honest about just how bad it is
I need to if ive to get help to hold on
If i really want to hold on
If not then why am i trying so bloody hard
It is harder to stay than to let go
People say its the easy option,
How true is that,....
As this is definetly hard.
Too hard sometimes

a long way to happy

ive got a bad bad feeling

this is torture

Im shattered its after 3am and im still awake,
Down the stair and just doing nothing
But then i feel so crap that ill do anything not to have to go to bed
Ive had enough,
Enough of not sleeping,
Enough of having no energy
Enough of wanting to say things when i cant
Enough of fearing the future,
The past and the here and now

Im sick of all the images in my head,
They are just toying with me
It feels like so so long since i last had an appointment
Yet it has not been,
Its only a week and a bit

I suppose i feel lost, confused, scared
the lot,
I feel rubbish, so tired yet so awake,or aware
Ive been very jumpy this last week,
The least little noise, vision
And im off on one,
I think im so on edge that im just super alert
Super jumpy and it is scarey

My head is spinning,
Unfortunatley it wont spin off
My eyes want to shut,
My body is screaming for sleep
But my head is screaming to be left alone

Is it time to work on me now?
Forget the past, what has happened,
Can a build a future for me,
Am i capable of something so difficult

my mind is shouting for tranquility
Yet inside it is screaming to not
trying to get out,
Trying to function,
Though im not

My body wants to leave
my head wants to go with it
my heart wants to try some more
but i just dont know that it can take it

i suppose there will come a time
that the decision will be mine
is that time now, or is it soon
will it ever be mine, or is it for him

What do you listen to
your head, your body, or your heart
i was always told never let my heart rule my head
is that the answer
or should i listen to my heart
over my head, i own my heart
do i own my head??

sick

Instead of making me better your making me sick
Im lying here all alone where you left me
I think ive took too much
Im crying her all alone
What have you done!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

.................
must have been a bad trip
All of the other pills they were different
Maybe i cant help myself!!!!

I cant stay on your life support
theres a shortage in the switch
I cant stay on the morphine its making me itch

...................
I tried to call the nurse again
But shes being a little bitch
I think ILL GET OUT HERE...................

cause i can RUN..................

As fast as i can
..............................

SILENCED

WHAT I WANT TO SAY I CANT
WHAT I CANT SAY I WANT TOO
WHAT I NEED TO SAY I CANT
WHAT I CANT SAY I NEED TOO
CAN YOU HEAR ME WHEN I SAY NOTHING
CAN NOTHING HEAR WHAT I SAY
WILL IT KILL ME TO SAY IT
WILL NOT SAYING IT KILL ME
WILL THE CONSEQUENCES BE WORSE
OR WILL THEY SAVE ME

WHY WAS I SILENCED
WAS IT FOR MY OWN GOOD
WILL THE SILENCE KILL ME
LIKE TALKING SHOULD??

still she is awake...........

I havent even went to bed tonight,
I couldnt bear the thought of it,
so i went to the supermarket, done the shopping
It was magic, i was the only shopper i saw
I didnt feel panicked or nothing for the first time in so long
My kids will be up in 2hours, so i aint going to bed now,
what is the point though im sure i will regret it
BIG TIME
especially when they start to play up
I keep having major dreams and flashbacks
and i couldnt be bothered putting myself through it
so in the last week ive had about 10hours max
that is prob an exageration it is maybe less
Not much sleep anyway
Im burning the candle big time and no doubt will collapse soon
How can i go to bed when i know whats going to happen
That would be like stickng a knife in the toaster,
You know you will get a shock so you wouldnt do it
If you know you are going to have dreams then why sleep
I say it all the time but no one said talking and trying to move on would ever be this hard
If they had who would do it,
Being silenced was easier than this,
I cant see the light yet
And maybe when i do i will be glad for this time
Maybe it is a learning curve
But i doubt it,
Do you think everyone going through therapy trying to get on
Feels this bad,
Do you think everyone who goes through what i have
feels like this, and suffers like this
I think im suffering more now than i did then
I believe i should have been made aware how bad it would be,
I wish i could tell everyone how hard a journey this is
Or maybe i make it harder, maybe others breeze through it
Ive now written 60posts on here, well this is the 60th post
that is a lot of posts, isnt it and a lot of stiff ive written
I wonder if anyof it makes any sense to anyone that is nt me
Or if it makes any sense to anyone else going through this


He tried to silence me, they have made all this so much harder to speak
I wish i had listened and left it be,
I find talking so hard, im scared im angry with myself and i get so frustrated
Its a psychic or mind reader i need, save me the grief
save me the need


I hav

!!!

my head is full of everything and nothing
whats the point of trying to explain
Im switching off to the noise in my head for the day
If only it was so easy
I want to cut so so much
Like ive never before
Im trying so hard not to
I can see this being a long long day
NOISE IS DOING MY HEAD IN
SILENCE IS WORSE

Bloody dreams, bloody jumping....bloody awake!!!!!

Its not to happen ive not to sleep i think
I had a real "fucked up" dream that i shot out of bed so quick
I was/am dizzy, though i suppose two hours kip in how many days would do that
I wanted to turn over and go back to sleep but i couldnt
As i was aware of someone/something/somewhere
And i think im having a heart attack,
Ok i dont BUT my arm is numb and tight, my chest feels like someone is crushing it
SO SO SORE, ive never felt anxiety like this, never before
MAkes me paranoid when ive been on the billy as that would make my heart rush
Probably just lying funny,
Or something,
Need to check on my baby and make sure she is ok and then ill have a cuppa tea i think
And resign myself to 2hours kip, suppose it was better than nothing,
Though that means we are on saturday now,
So ive had two hours since wednesday morning, Thats impressive even for me
Ive rarely eaten either, blame the billy again
Though never a bad thing, wish i never had to eat,
But i feel numb when i eat, it takes away the pain in the pit of my stomache
It helps me to black out, go away and get numb
If the pain or feelings are overwhelming,
Its always worked, though im trying not to dissaciate
Im trying to stay here, fight these people, so ill not eat
Let me feel the pain, let me feel what is needed
what i should

IM EATING A HUGE ASS SLICE OF HUMBLE PIE

Yep it is official,
I lost it last night
though i can understand why
there was the phonecall about me....
the planned letter to the g.p.....
then another phonecall to my husband.......
can you expect me to think differently
can you expect me not to assume the worst,
Constant noise in my head telling me what to believe,
How stupid id been to trust
No one believed me, i was getting taken away
I was to be punished, it was all getting planned
NOW I EAT HUMBLE PIE
as i have spoken to the hv and she has assured me
how wrong i am
And everything tells me not to believe, not to trust
BUT I NEED TO
ive no reason not to, and ive been shown reason since ive known her to trust
Today it was put straight and i can breath a bit better,
Im exhaustd now on 43hours of no sleep and more than that of food,
just how i feel, dont eat and dont sleep and get my head sorted
Though im so so tired and a bit dizzy and feel sick
The flashbacks are back with avengance but hey that was a good 16hours without
It was like a holiday, just one of them holidays that are a disaster,
You know the ones you just wish you had never went on, the flashback holiday was one of them
It was free from flashbacks as there was so much bad stuff happening
Tonight ive been debating that actor chris whatever he is called
The guy who today was found guilty of downloading child abuse/porn
He claimed that he done it to help him deal with his on past...
I think and suspect that there will somewhere be photos or footage of me doing things i done, photos of me having sex with people i shouldnt have
Would i want to see it again , NO WAY, though it would prove i wasnt lying,i could show them to people that would not believe without proof, and that would be proof, would i ever seek this prove NOWAY
Would i want to search the net to feel somewhat "like an equal" hardly, and see the suffering of others, So i cant quite get my head round it, i dont think anyone could be so damn stupid and i think it was an excuse, an excuse for his sick ways and disgusting habits, BUT it adds to the fear, he adds to the belief that people have, abused will be abusers, no abused would want people thinking that surely, I know the thought of people assuming im going to hurt my kids, hurts me and terrifies me more than EVER, i wouldnt couldnt and just dont get why anyone could,
My kids hurt me as the love i feel at times is sore and scarey, i dont know how to explain it, i think of them sometimes and my heart hurts, i think of them even getting a scraped knee or someone hitting them or not playing with them at school or nursery and that annoys and hurts me, so I COULDNT HURT MY KIDS
i think everyone should know that
I remeber being told
All abusers were abused not all abused are abusers, i dont believe it 100% as im sure not every abuser has been abused, but i know 200% that not every abused is an abuser
I abuse myself, the way i feel i deserve to be abused, i allow others that same pleasure of abusing me in many ways, so maybe i am an abuser, but im an abuser of self and nothing NOTHING more,
rant over, deep breaths......
I wish people could get into my head as that all made no sense probably but as im typing it makes sense in there,
I have eaten my humble pie anyway and i realise i shouldnt fear trust as much as i do, today this same h.v who i slaughtered into the ground, or betrayed by rant in my post two posts ago, showed me she did care, does care and for the first time in my life i felt that maybe someone somewhere did value me or care for me and though its scarey i also feel very lucky,

to edit or not to edit??

My husband has got up this morning and reassured me that
nothing was said about me,
he took ages to tell me when i came in that the hv had phoned
as though he had to work up to it,
I was and am scared that they were all working against me
Ive asked casually about it this morning and he assured me
nothing was said bout me,
so i thought SHIT edit the post delete the post dont let it be read
But then that defeats the point of my blog doesnt it,
I can be honest here and untill 5 mins ago
I was CONVINCED that they were all truly working against me
I was more hurt than ever and i mean EVER as i finally learnt to trust again
And the most important thing in the world, there word had been given and abused,
Or so i thought, so im sorry for being a psycho.....
For losing the plot and for assuming the worst,
But thats usually the way isnt it,
Thats what normally happens, and i suppose the psych and hv are different
I should have trusted my insticts though he was telling me so different
"told you so" was said more than once,
So sorry for being a cow, but i suppose the hurt i felt and a wee bit still feel
Just proves the trust I have,
But i havent changed my mind on the work front he needs to go back and i need him to go back and the kids need him to go back

On a plus side, NO FLASHBACKS last night, was too busy being tortured by "I told you so" "Why didnt you listen" "Told you not to believe people" etc... etc...
I was also thinking about therapy and the "thing" i leave to last
i think there are two reasons for this, two main reasons,
Firstly the fear that if i open up at the start we spend the hour(or two...sorry) talking about that and i ger lost in it and say too much, which would not be a good thing, I gave my word to the hv that i would always "indicate it" which is one thing obviously plans etc..., reasons, and decisions i didnt say i would say, I hope that makes sense,
And secondly probably because im scared to go, to be left to deal with it for another two weeks, procrastinating the departure so to speak
as its safe there aint it, you aint scared, i am. so thats why that what makes it come out then and not in the beginning,
Next time it will be in the beginning.. that can be my agenda and plan, in the beginning then we can get it done
if nothing changes in the next two weeks,
if nothing else needs discussed,

what are you all playing at?????????????

Im told to trust
Nothing will be done behind my back....
yeah right
Im so angry and scared, worried and confused
WHY WHY WHY
did you phone my husband when i was with you
Why did the h.v phone my husband when she knew i was with the psych
so what does that achieve
I dont know what was said!!!!!!!!
Will i ever, i can only imagine
He needed to go back to work, I needed him to go back to work
Not for him for me too
He needed the normality returned i needed the normality returned
Lesson learnt say nothing, do nothing and trust no oneThe line was crossed today more than ever before,
the huge line and i feel exposed, emotionall, drained, confused,
and everything all over again,
WHY WHY WHY did this happen,
I was always told id be made aware was i fuck!!!!!!!!
im so so angry but no more will i trust no more will i listen and no more will
i ever talk
And the truth he is laughing, laughing, laughing and you might not hear it, you might not want to,
But i do, i knew what his capability was.....
I warned everyone, told everyone and now, they have done what they said they wouldnt
ther is One word in my head, heart and sole just now,to sum it up, one little word well two really and it is DONT TRUST
my journey with those i trusted has ended NOW
I might have jumped to the wrong conclusion, though it would seem not

why did i trust and listen, im so so sad to think that one phonecall behind my back, the dr would let him go back to work we all know this, so what was said, my poor man needs to get back to his work, will it be so usefull when he loses his job, then where will we be,
I was looking forward to seeing my friends again, making a go of it with just me n the kids again, getting some pressure to get on, not having thinking time, and you have both taken that away from me,
Is that what you talked about on the phone, planningwhat way to next assualt, i may be so so wrong here, though that is how it feels, that is what it is saying to me, and to be honest im more shocked and OHHHHHHHHHHH why was i soooooo stupid, yeah mock me and laugh all you want as always you get the last laugh,always always,

I truley cant believe that the phone call of which i know litte about happened,as it is obvious more was discussed that was said to me, though did i not say i was on the ball and you were all changing the scent, why deny that,
Am i just a game, to be played and toiled with????
Is it fun???
I truly truly trusted, i often wished, and i mean often that one of you were my mother, i even hoped one day in my distress you would one of you two feel it in you to care and cuddle me,to cross the line, just to comfort me to show me i was capable and deservant of a cuddle,
HAHAHAHA
HOW STUPID OF ME
but why do it, why not speak to me, I was in the same fuckin building,
when that call was made i was rooms away, is that easier???????????
enough is enough and the line has been crossed,
I KNEW I SHOULD HAVE LISTENED< I CANT BELIEVE HOW DAFT IVE BEEN
maybe its time to cut my ties with you all OHHHHHHHH im so sad at this
and angry and if ive blew all to pot then understand why
The hv phoned my husband when she knew i wasnt in,
Am i not meant to feel paranoid at this, am i after the discussions we have had
after the lessons ive been taught in the past,
Supposed to assume it was innocent, How can i???
Im not angry as such im hurt that if something was said
Scheming was done, confidences betrayed that someone i trusted so much
could do this. When they know how hard it was for me to trust to begin with
When they know how difficult i find it to trust
When they know the importance of keeping of words
HE ALWAYS SAID THAT EVIL PEOPLE DIDNT KEEP THERE WORD
you can do what you want in the world, just always keep your word n a promise
And right now im scared and hurt and feel humilated that i maybe trusted the wrong people

no more weed, get the wine out

well i did it, done it succummed to it,
stopped smoking weed, took the advice that was handed to me and decided no more weed
at least to i see if it makes a difference or not
so ive resigned to the fact that ill not sleep
ill not be able to relax and i will constantly be alert and on edge
tonight ive had a bottle of wine, no doubt tomoro ill have another
as i canthandle the thought of being sober or clean, or normal and feel for real
i dont like the alert, aware, and constant feelings i have
If i have some wine at least i can chill out a wee bit
I cant stand the constant jumping and freaking at the least wee noise,
And with no hash thats how i am
Im not stoned 24/7, god i wish, but im also not "clean" if that is the right way to describe it
The problem with wine is the headache in the morning, never a good thing in this house,
Plus you can have a fly puff through the day,
can i have a fly drink, id thnk not
Im so screwed up just now, i just dont know why im stupid enough to keep going
My daughter the eldest is being so cheeky to me, im doing her more harm than good by being here as she is learning that crying and tantrums is getting her what she wants as im just giving in, she has started hitting me, shouting at me and crying all the time I could have hit her today thoughwas scared i wouldnt stop
She needs some discipline, she needs a real mum,
I dont know what that has, how can i
What sh edoesnt need is me
What everyone doesnt need is me
My hubbies life would be easier, the psych job would be less stressfull. the hv job would be a dream without me, the air would be breathed less, hubbies wages would be feeding and clothing one less,
So what am i doing sitting typing,
stupid stupid wimpy girl thats all i am
was listening to robbie tonight
he says:


Come on hold my hand,
I wanna contact the living.
Not sure I understand,
This role I’ve been given.

I sit and talk to god
And he just laughs at my plans,
My head speaks a language, I don’t understand.

(chorus)
I just wanna feel real love,
Feel the home that I live in.
’cause I got too much life,
Running through my veins, going to waste.

I don’t wanna die,
But I ain’t keen on living either.
Before I fall in love,
I’m preparing to leave her.
I scare myself to death,
That’s why I keep on running.
Before I’ve arrived, I can see myself coming.

(chorus)
I just wanna feel real love,
Feel the home that I live in.
’cause I got too much life,
Running through my veins, going to waste.

And I need to feel, real love
And a life ever after.
I cannot get enough.

(instrumental)

(chorus)
I just wanna feel real love,
Feel the home that I live in,
I got too much love,
Running through my veins, going to waste.

I just wanna feel real love,
In a life ever after
There’s a hole in my soul,
You can see it in my face, it’s a real big place.

(instrumental)

Come and hold my hand,
I wanna contact the living,
Not sure I understand,
This role I’ve been given

Not sure I understand.
Not sure I understand.
Not sure I understand.
Not sure I understand.

How true is this, how very true, i am afraid of living..and i certainly dont understand, i ca never understand, i was bad, yep, i was a wee shit, yep, im dirty, yep, gullable, yep, but does that mean i deserved, im just not sure i understand.....

wide awake club

Im up again,
I started to sleep then i started to dream
I was about to scream
Or had let out a scream
when i jumped got a fright and here we go
Im up again, it wouldnt be as bad if the kids wouldnt be up for the day
In 3 or maybe 4 hours(if im lucky)
Im typing on here as that way im not thinking of other things
Everywhere i look and everything i look at just now
Is remainding me of death and dying,
It is weird, even the tv tonight,there were suicides,
Its the whole pink elephant debate again
The more im trying not to think about it,
The more I am
Ive got my chance again tonight, the world is asleep
But i couldnt be that brave, or am i being brave not too??
I couldnt be that stupid maybe? or is it stupid sitting here not
Im so confused just now,
I need some t.l.c and some room to let it go,
I think i want to cry for a day or two,
Or scream if i cant die,
Only another day and the weekend will be over for five more
Though its not just the weekend just now, as its the holidays
Know where i should be, what i should be doing,
I hate the summer holidays, I hate all holidays,
My expectation of holidays are not good,
My expectations of everything are not good,
I hope others expectations of me are nothing too
then no one will ever be dissapointed,
Except me, and thats allowed aint it
Thats the norm....

something i need to ask you......

You know who you are,
and i hope to god you read this soon J
as there are things i need to ask and maybe if i do it here
ill do it for once,
though i never wanted to it owuld be easier
You told me you didnt think i was losing the plot
Thankyou, are you being honest?
You tell me that im not bad, are you being honest?
Can i believe this,
You say you get angry for me, and im not dirty,etc...
(see i do listen, i might just not look like i am...)
if we were in the other life, u know what i mean,
would you cuddle me if i was scared or verysad,
or could you not then as it would repulse you through my
dirtness, uncleaness, unpureness,
Dot worry as im pretty sure im uncuddable anyway, just ask my mum
or better still my m.i.l. she seems to hate me too now!!!!
I will write the rest down as i said i would
and will you read it, and help me through it,
Help me move on
Help me get rid,
Ive asked him to talk to you and i pray you still belive me
Do you?
You told me to tell him to talk to you,
Didnt you?
Or have you lost the plot too....hahaha
I hope this makes as much sense to you J as it does to me as i type
Im just doing what i do best the most usefull word at describing me
Im procrastinating,that word was invented for me, i think
its bed time, i feel sick, i cant think fo going there
Im going to take the invisible cover with me and read...yes im a big kid really
harry p eat your heart out,
my daughter wants an invisible cover(ohhh dear what have we started)
thanks if you read this,if you dont im screwed as ill need to say all this, i didnt think of that, dohhhhhhh

Panic, panic and more panic,........

GOD ALMIGHTY IT DOES GET WORSE
I remember thinking it couldnt possible how wrong can i be,
I went out today and got so scared to be in myself with the kids afterwords
as my hubbie had a much deserved pint that i visited as many people as i could
cheers to the h.v and my cous, for putting up with me today and making me feel welcome
So it was in feed them and they were away to bed,
I didnt have to be a mum, just a carer, phewwwwwwww
The pit of my stomache is like a washing machine
The breathing keeps getting out of synch and i feel awfull
I am one panic attack after the next,it is annoying me
Angering me, driving me insane
I was reassured today that I am not losing the plot,
So i can breath a bit easier, I feel like and thought i was
having a nervous breakdown, or was losing my mind
Or worse, and there is nothing i can do to protect me anymore
But to be told, no im not, was good, i was a bit surprised,
I was sure i would be told i was, i wondered if they just told me this
so they could catch me off gaurd, if they wanted me not to be on there thinking
then i decided that i have to trust my instinct and my instict is telling me
I can trust for over a year ive trusted why not now,
god, if someone read this, they would think i was a complete loone
they would imagine me so differently than i am
they would imagine two poor wee kids,
A stupid uneducated, thick daft women
Who is quiet senile or loopey or just mad,
Im not really,
Im not that bad, or i hope im not,
I do try to be normal, and act normal when im near anyone
These here are the arguments my head has with my head
My past has with my present and my abuser has with me
FUCK, cant believe i just said that...
im gonna stop now, try and breath some more
*note to self....buy more smelling salts,lots more*

confused.......................

Oh dear this is getting worse and worse
Who would have thought that was possible
I cant get my head round what is happening to me
But im trying to get my head round it
Im thinking of nothing more and im keeping the thought
that 9hours from now i can make a call ask for help
ask if they are any the wiser to what the hell is happening to me
I have never felt as scared and confused as i have this last day or two
I was waiting on the door going to be taking away today
I waited all day and i was so surprised it didnt happen
Have I finally truley lost the plot,
Have I really lost it
Is this what its like when you loose reality
I really am scared and i dont like this one bit
Im thinking i cant do it anymore
But im also thinking how many times have i felt this way
And ive got there before i NEED to get there now this time too
Im so tired, ive never felt so tired in my life
I also feel so sick to the stomache, the butterlies are fluttering away
the fear is gripping me
But i need to get by this
I hopefully will get some answers tomorrow,
I just need to bite the bullet and have courage to do it
Phone early rather than mull it other another day
I cant have another day like today another night like last
But im so so scared
Im then, now, then, now, then and now,
All day going back and forth
feeling fear and confusion like i never understood,
feeling trusting, when i know i shouldnt,
Ohh god, please help me.
thats all i ask, god, if you are there its me, help me please,
At least this once, helping me, can help another 3, and help my babies
have me, forever,
pleasex.x.x.

i hate having to go anywhere now

Im going away today,
i should be happy,
getting a few nights in the hotel,
A few days with no house work
No cooking or cleaning,
But im so stressed at the thought of it,
The thought of sharing a room with my mum for this time
I cry in my sleep, I panic all the time just now,
I spend half the night in a daze, the other half in his claws
How am i going to get through this?
How can i even explain it
I cant, I cant even begin to
I need to be happy
Im going to a wedding
But im scared, there will be lots of people there
Lots of faces there,
Lots of similar looking faces
Im never going to cope,
I cant quite get my head round why i said yeah to going
Think it seemed a good idea at the time
Think it seemed an ok idea even
Thundered last night again,
What if it does that when im away
FUCK
what if???What if????
I suppose i need to go and get ready and just deal with it
I just dont know how much more pressure i can put on myself and deal with
As some day soon i might well collapse and deal with no more
as im sure there is only so much my head can cope with
and so much my body can cope with
It aint courage that keeps me coping it is stupidity for keeping going on

Do you ever wish???or is it just me

DO you ever wish you were blind?????
I do, then i wouldnt have to see what i do
Do you ever wish you were deaf
I do, then i wouldnt have to hear what i hear
Do you ever wish you couldnt feel?
I do, then i wouldnt have to feel what i feel
Do you ever wish you were thick?
I do then i could say what i had to without knowing i cant
Do you ever wish you were dying?
I do then i wouldnt be to blame.


Do you wish you could belive what people said?
I do, but i cant when he is saying different in my head....
If i was blind i wouldnt see him i wouldnt have to look for that mark
If i was deaf would he stop talking in my ear,
telling me what is said is wrong, telling me he will prove her wrong,...
Or would i still hear in my head,
I suffer so he is happy, im safe when i suffer,
My kids are safe when i suffer, my family, friends and people in the know
You are all safe when im suffering,
Ill never be safe but at least i can protect,
I wish i had been protected,
I wish someone felt i was worth protecting,
Why can no one protect me,
Cuddle me
Let me cry,
Let me live and let me die
Because they cant, because of that...
repulsion, its a horrible feeling knowing you repulse
I understand, but it doesnt make it easier to accept

How can i stop suffering, how can i risk change,
Then what will happen......

I can say no more just now as my head is spinning
Mixture of thoughts
of feelings
or fear and dread
I just wish people could read my head
Im losing the plot when it comes to speaking
I need to DO THIS
I need to say what i need to say
But not here and not in this way

Where, when why and how
I know where and i know when
I just dont know why,
Why do i need to say
How can i even,
I cant speak at the best of times

I have the senses i didnt want,
they work even more
but the sense i want
I can do no more,
He has silenced me more than you will ever know
Its infuraiting me, ive just had enough.....
Ill try once more, then if i cant say what i feel i need to
I will respect that my mouth just cant say it,
and ill move on and get on and start rebuilding
this excuse for a life,
But then am i going to stop suffering
I cant deserve that, or expect that
Is that safe?????
Do you ever wish this was all a dream
Or is it just me,a nightmare but i wake up tomorrow
and im only 3....
its over.....

holiday

well im just going on holiday,
In fact i am leaving the house in 25mins,
I probably shouldnt be sat here
but i had to, i needed to escape
Ive had two panic attacks in the last hour
Major panick attacks,
I need to leave my house for four full nights
I shouldnt feel like this,
But i am petrified
I feel sick and i know when my mum arrives to take me
it will get worse,
Im trying to take deep breaths and im concentrating on typing
but the feeling that my chest is going to gave in and the fact that my head
is spinning aint stopping
Shit i hope this whole holiday wont be like this,
Im sure it wont and when im with my hubbie again
ill feel better, ive been with him for four weeks now,thats four whole weeks he has been off work and four weeks i havent been alone, i felt so much safer then,
god he only left an hour ago, i need to get a grip, he has phoned twice for god sake
so i know they are ok,
Dont like him being away, maybe thats why i feel like this
Its been a long time since i had panic brought on so quickly,
I never knew id feel like this,
Nothing was said or done or anything that i can think of
that is so infuriating and mental.
My home is my safe place, and maybe thats it,
I should be so so happy to be going away,
I am so looking forward to it, now this panic,
When i get there, meet my family, and my friends
Ill be fine, ill have to, i aint ruining peoples holiday
I will have to be fun for five days, scarey thought
But i want to go and want to have fun
Can i allow myself that least,
Suppose i should go and do another final check, that will be five final
checks
and no doubt another on my way out,
arghhhhhhhh

cry.....crying........tears

I feel so so low today,
lower than ive felt in such a long time
and i feel so so so vulnerable,
more than i have felt in a long time
I feel tired, really tired
And confused and i want to cry,
I want to cry and cry and not be shouted at for it
Not be punished for it,
Not be ridicouled for it,
I want to cry and cry for a long time
Till i can cry no more,
And to be cuddled, to feel safe, to be allowed to cry
But that wont ever happen as everyone looks at me in disgust,
They see me for what i done for all them years with all you men
They see me for the tart i am, the dirty girl i am and they see me for the
fucked up screwed up person i am,
And if they dont then there is something wrong,
I KNOW thats what i am
I KNOW what i did was wrong, I know what they did was wrong
If it were one person,then maybe i could say Ok maybe they were evil or bad
But there was only one of me and lots of you, so it must be me that is evil or bad
I know i was punished a lot, and i know why
People mocked this, the things i done wrong, saying they werent wrong,
But when you are told not to do something and you do it,
Or you promise to do something and you dont
Then you are being bad, it is wrong
Im really really tired and i need to move to bath my kids,
I feel sick at the thought that i have to do this tonight,
I cant do it, what if people think i would harm them,
What if people know what ive done in the past and assume that ill allow them
to do the same,
It scares me so much to wash them, bath them, change bums, the lot,
I cant bear to be physically close or emotianally close to them
The more i say i hate my kids, the more i say that they do my head in
The safer they will be
If i wasnt in there life they would be safe,
So why am i staying around, why am i putting the people i love in danger,
I dont know, and if i dont know, then why am i here,
Im so so tired, ill be in my bed pretty sharp tonight,
take some pills and sleep, needs must, needs must
Fingers crossed i never wake up,
i might even watch a soppy film give me an excuse to cry,
i might not bother ill go to bed and dream im gonna die

A fine mess

Im in a fine mess aint I???
today has been horrendous,it has been awfull,
It has been just the worst, or as near to that as can be...
i was told he cant do nothing now, how can people say this,
I KNOW HE CAN
he tells me everyday
I fear for people, ive involved them by telling them,
what will he do to them?what will he do?
She is braver than i could be as she disses him
Slanders him,
It makes me sick to the stomache to hear,
I love him so much, i need to, if i dont, he will harm those i do love
I cant let him do that,he cant hurt me through others, that wouldnt be good
But he knows he can, he can hurt me more through others, yet people think im silly for thinking this, for knowing this and for believing it,
Ive seen it first hand, esp in the last year,
The terrible sickness been caused by me,
Selfish idiotic me, why do i feel the need to tell anyway
It wont change things
It wont make a difference
It causes more harm than good
People will be hurt
I will be hurt so why the hell do i do it,
Why did i not just keep shut and then things would have been different
People wouldnt be hurt, sick, ill,
God wouldnt be juggling with what to do next
God would have left me be,
But not now, how can he, how can anyone,
Ive spoken out and ive left nothing to the imagination
Stupid fkn me, silly stupid me
I wish i hadnt cant believe i have
How can i go to sleep
How can i protect those that mean so much if i aint aware of there every movement,
Even in the night,
Even when they sleep
How can i go to sleep knowing that terrible things are gonna happen to people that are only involved becuase i allowed them to be
Arghhh im so damn stupid and so damn simple sometimes,
What made me forget this, what made me forget the concecuences
I didnt forget though i gambled and so far ive been proved right,
How terrible what nexts,
I know the power involved here, God is a very powerfull, the most powerfull and if god knows and allows then obivously i done wrong,
Sins are punished,
Though is listening really a sin, is being related really a sin, so why hurt them
If anyone should be hurt it is me and i can cope with that, i couldnt hurt no more than i am now and to be honest, it would be a blessing if worse happened, a blessing in disguise,
But that was never an option, i was never the one to die, was i??It was always those i cared for, those that mattered, and those that believed they were the ones always in danger,
why have i spoke, im so so stupid and niave, i will hold myself solely responsible for anything that goes wrong and rightly rightly so,
im so so tired, wish someone else could watch over the family and let me sleep
i wish i could give into it, but i dont deserve it, i dont deserve it, so u shall punish me instead and tat is fine

HAVING ENOUGH

IM SO HAVING ENOUGH
IVE SO HAD ENOUGH
I SO WANT TO RUN
I SO WANT TO HIDE
CAN YOU HELP ME
CAN ANYONE HELP ME
IF NOT ENOUGH IS ENOUGH
I CANT GO ON, I CANT GO ON....................

I Knew someone had it in for me

Ive said it before ive said it a hundred times
yet no one ever listens or believes me
Someone somewhere has it in for me,

Ive been tortured this last few days
Im living in hell, its official
Im living in the past, it cant be the past
as it is here, it is now, it is constant
I dont think i can take much more,
THUNDER
I hate it, it scares me,
i feel so so frightened and when im feeling
so low as i am just now, this constant
THUNDER
aint helping at all,
It scares me so much,
Takes me back even more,
Im remembering times when it thundered
Im remembering that fear and pain,
The same fear i always feel when it thunders
I hate it, why do i have to keep remembering
Why cant my head just stop
Ive spent so much of the last few days
sat on the stair, completly covered from head to toe
with my mp3 player in,blocking out the world around me,
trying to block out the world inside me
just trying to block out everything,
Ive tried to go into my music,
Live in my music, forget whats happening, forget the thunder
Forget what happens when you are scared, the people that
come to protect you, hurt you.
ive spent nights on the computer with mp3 in,
I really dont think i can take much more,
I always knew it would be hard, get harder,
but never this hard,This is just worse than i ever knew

My head is away
i feel like my body is there too
i feel battered and tired n sore and bruised
I have no energy to fight,
Why fight? Fighting doesnt win, it just makes it worse
I feel confused and sick
I feel agitated and on edge, major on edge
the least noise the least movement,
the least touch and im back there or im looking for it
Im aware all the time of where he is, or where i expect him to be
My baby has been pretty sick, she is always sick,is this punishment
Is it a way of showing me they can and will punish me,
Is it a way of keeping me quiet,

I feel so dirty and scared and confused,
I feel as though i could sleep if i sat still for five minutes
But i cant sleep just now,I cant sit still,
what if i decide to sleep later
Have an early night, go to bed,
What will happen to me, what will happen to my family,
Will i waken tomorrow or will it be goodbye

im still scared

Im still sitting i havent moved since i last typed
I havent moved an inch
Im scared to move
Im so so so scared
I dont remember ever feeling so scared.
not in a long time
Im reliving this f.b constantly just now
Is that what happens does it have to get worse before it gets better
how much worse can it get???
my stomache hurts
im in pain,
what is happening to me, im scared,

why can i feel the pain
Why am i being sick,
i dont get this, its not good,
where the fuck am i, that all thisis happening?
Why am i bleeding? Why am i in so much pain?
It feels like it did then,
exactly as it did, maybe it is a dream,
But why so real??Why it all??
This aint good,very bizarre
Im scared!!! I dont get it,
i know it shouldnt be happening
Ive threw up aswell
Is this the physical part of a flashback,
This aint good, normal, i aint normal though am i
will i get a chance to finish this
Its over now, i know it is,
all over now,no more helping me
listening to me,
im sad
im glad i dont know what
Im so ashamed, im sorry
i wish i hadnt said what i did today
then i would have got to finish this,
but who would want to help me now,
who would want to listen to me,
Who would want to work with me
I should have just left it as it was,
There was no need to tell all,
I dont blame anyone for being disgusted,
Im disgusted, just believe me, I didnt like it
Honestly, that is my word,
I didnt ask for it and it didnt make me feel special
I know thats what was said, i cant and wont blame anyone for thinking that
But i didnt.i promise,
hopefully it is not the end, if it is i understand,
I wouldnt want to know me if i didnt have to either.

i feel so so so ashamed and confused

As usual everyone is sleeping except me,
IM GONE...........
My head is away, im hiding as i type,
Ive been hiding for hours now,
Its helping, hiding under this scarf
I feel safer, how bizarre,
its like a magic blanket, does it make me invisible?
Does it make me safe? Am i safer?
Or do i just feel safer, Am i safe now?
Probably not,
I wish i had this years ago, i suppose if i had
Id be safe, i wish i could have been rescued,
If i had this id have been saved then,
Can i be safe now?
I dont want to die
But i aint keen on living either,
Im so ashamed and confused,
Im ashamed that i spoke the way i did today
Im ashamed that people now know what i am capable of,
the vulgar things i have done
the dirty things i done,
the fact i didnt just die, or give in,
Like most would have
The fact i didnt say NO when i was told not to cry
When i was told "shut up, why you crying"
"dont ruin this for everyone be good"
"be clever " "you are a lucky big girl" "special girl" "trust me"
"you are lucky we love you so much"
DID I ENJOY IT THAT MUCH?????
They seemed to think so,
Did they not see the tears,
Silent tears after a while,
But they were still there
Did they not hear my screams,
I heard them..
Just look at the mark and it will go,
Look hard, if you are not allowed to look away then look at the mark on the ceiling, dont shut your eyes, or you might not be able to open them again
Why didnt i close my eyes
Im confused, I feel confused today
Confused that I was listened to,
that I could finally put words to these things
they didnt shout at me
they listened and let me talk
helped me when i was so scared to talk
they didnt tell me how disgusting i am
How bad I am
Im confused and ashamed
Will i ever be able to go back now,
Will they even want to see me again?
Probably not, can i blame them, No i cant
Does this mean the end,
Can i ever look at them again?
Now they know how truly dirty and bad i am
I feel so dirty
i want a bath, i cant have another one,
I want bleach,
If i can smell bleach i cant smell disinfectant
Why did they do that???
Where they removing all trace of them
It was so sore and nipped so much,
Was it just more punishment....
I really need to go for a bath
but i cant, Ill wake the house,
I want to go to bed, but i cant,
How can i give in to sleep,
How can i give up that control too
How can I protect myself or my kids when im asleep
I cant, sleep is not good, its for the weak
sleep is a reward, to let your body heal,,grow and recoperate,
I dont deserve that.
At least when im awake I am prepared and ready
When im sleeping its worse, scarier,
Waking up to pain, fear,Id rather see that coming
than wake up to it,
Though waiting is worse, especially if i waite and it doesnt come
Is the door closed, or open, if it is closed tight, im safe,
Please close it tight tonight,

I was asked today how i managed to get where i am?
Like where I am is good, haha, i wish
I survived as best i could the last 27 year,
I done what was needed to stop the questions
To stop the curious looks,
I did what was expected,
I turned up at school, i didnt stay there mentally
But i was there physically,
I did the same at college and uni,
I went i sat and i let myself go,
I went else where, i let my body and mind go numb
When i had to sit exams, i did the best i could,
I scraped by,
When i had to write an essay, I done it as i do this
I sat at the pc i typed, saved and never reread,
i remember being told my essays where a welcomed break
i remember a lecturer telling me he could hear me when he read it
He felt like i was having a conversation with him, showing i had grasped it perfectly, with a few quotes thrown in for good measure,
he liked that
Others didnt, but that was tough,
I passed and now what!!!!!!!!!!
I never wanted to do that!!!
I done what was expected, make them proud,
Let them show off, look what they have created.....
No one suspected anything after all i was a good uni girl
Haha if only they knew,
Whos ass where they covering by wanting me to
"be the first to go to uni" "be first to get a degree"
Why did i have to take this route and not the rest of the family
I wonder.....
I didnt want to do it, but like everything else in life,
I had no choice, have i ever had a choice,
Do i ever have a choice????
Have a choice, now??
What would i do if i did have a choice,

I thought by talking id be letting go
If only ive been in and out of that place,
so much tonight,
Ive noticed things,
The circles on the ceiling,
The black marks, near the light,
The light is weird, rounded on the ceiling
It is bright, a bright light, i cant look at it for long as it
starts to hurt, like when you look at the sun,you shouldnt do that either its bad,
The mark on the ceiling, wee black marks,
I dont know what they are,
Could be dirt, just marks, I watch them instead
If i concentrate on them for long enough it stops,
The circle are like a whirlpool, u would get lost in them
But in the mark, you can always know, if you keep looking at it,
It doesnt change, it stays the same, you can control the mark
cant control the circles...
If i look at the mark then im fine,
One of these days that mark will be gone,
all marks will be gone
what will that mean that im gone too
Its over,
I need to hide more, im getting so scared
I hate feeling scared,I always get scared at this time,
When its really dark and there is no sun in the sky
I dont want to feel scared, please leave me alone tonight
I cant take much more,
I want my mummy to come,
Why wont she come,
Im really scared,please someone help me
Please come and get me, i dont care where you take me
Anywhere away from here,
I need to sleep i am so tired, but i cant,
he might come if im sleeping,
If i keep looking at the stars, or the marks, the shadows,
I should fight the sleep,
Ive had enough, im so scared, i need to hide,
i need a cuddle i need to be safe,can they get me here,

im having enough,,,,enough,,,,enough

Im so so having enough!!!!!!!!
I am wide awake when the rest of the world is winding down
I am fully alert and ive had enough of it,
I want to just run away from everything
I thank god full time that i have my family here
My husband and my kids
Or where would i be

I want to get on
I want to be a survivor
But im kidding myself aint i
Im having a laugh, to think i have any chance of anything
I watched tv today
Morning tv and there were paedophiles on it,
They had no shame,
They were not brave enough to show there face
The "victims" were crying, were a mess
They were showing this man they won,
And they were older than me
A lot older than me
So what chance do i have

On the news tonight,
People abusing kids over the net,
Using web cameras
Is it everywhere
Why did i have kids????
What have i brought them into???
Why did i do this,
Im so stupid,
This evil evil world,
They have a fucked up stupid arse of a mother
Why, WHy, Why
this is just not good,
Babies, kids the lot all being abused,
WHY?????
Are they all as bad as me?
They couldnt be could they?
my head is mush
as i said im having enough!!!!!