NUMB

At times i push my feelings aside to let you feel

Im novicane, Im numb and nothings real

Like the coldest winter im frozen from you

I was weak before you made me numb.....

But the tears were silent inside you see

I laid there quiet watched you have your way with me

I might have cried but the tears where silent inside you see,

You called me names made me feel like i was dumb

I didnt feel a thing now im gone, gone, gone,

Lyrics from PINK numb, song, i couldnt put it better myself,

im so so tired...........

God im tired, that is my war cry just now

I must say this oh at least 100 times a day......

but i cant sleep, well not true I am sleeping, but im dreaming, screaming and thats not a good sleep.

Saw my h.v yesterday, I sometimes wonder if id be here if it wasnt for her,

In fact I know I wouldnt, she understands me better than me, she knows when im hurting, when im pretending to be fine, but im not, she knows what im saying without me speaking,she knows when im sad or tired or just having enough, im lucky thats for sure.

I suppose i must be very lucky, as I have a psychologist with the same ability, I dont need to speak yet these people seem to know what im saying, what is screaming out of me and what i am to afraid to say,maybe every one who cared to look would too.

I know when i say things i cant take them back, so id rather not say them, id rather try and forget, but the forgeting is not working, in fact the opposite seems to be true, Im not forgetting, Im remembering and reminded of more and more each day, and thats just not good.

Im assured im getting somewhere, im assured im doing well,

Im assured im getting "better" and im assured there will be light at the end of the tunnell, I didnt even know the tunnell had an end!!!!

Is this what learning to survive is all about, is it learning to accept, or is it learning to forget, or is it just learning,

Maybe i should concentrate on the future, which i can change and have control over instead of living in the past, which i have no control or method to change,

But people say it is the past, but to me, it feels like the here and now, the present and im stuck, what if i start to change? What will i be like?What will life be like? Ive only known life like this, anything else is scarey, though maybe not as scarey as this life, though even though I live scared, and terrified and sad and unhappy and disgusted with me, at least i know what its like, i know what to expect, sometimes not knowing at all is worse,

Mmmmm that probably makes no sense to anyone, but hey it does to me!!!

Time to go and have a good day hopefully,well as long as i remember to breath, and come back now and again, to check all is well around me, the rest of the time, ill float, im good at that.............very good at that.....

O.M.G WHATS THE POINT????

Its been a while since ive written,

but thats because im trying so fuckin much to survive and to remember to breath i have no time for anything much else,

Im so so NUMB, numb was good, it aint as good anymore as numb is switched off to all thats going on round about me, the kids, wow they are growing, and i cant believe how much, have i been away? cause i just dont seem to see this and its happening in front of my eyes,

The days, the months and the years are just slipping away, yet nothing is changing for me,...

Im still scared, Im still afraid, Im still sad, I still feel dirty, I still feel small, Im still screwed up, Im still numb, I still cry and no one sees, I still scream silently,

I still hide and still get caught, So what is the point,

Will tomorrow be any different, what does the future hold? Is there such a thing as future? Who knows, if anyone knows please let me know, as well, it would be nice to know, wouldnt it, for once, it would be good to wake feeling alive, and not dead, feeling happy and not sad, secure and safe and not screwed up and scared, is that what future means?

Who knows???

IM NOT DEAD JUST FLOATING......

Im not dead, im floating,
Im not scared, Im petrified,
Im not living, Im exsisting,
Im no happy, Im sad,
Im not here, Im there
Im not 27, Im 7
Im not a mum, I need a mum,
Im not tired, Im exhausted,
Im not sad, Im devastated,
I dont try to breath, It just happens,
I dont want to go on, I HAVE TOO...........

Im going further and further back in my head, in my life, im my body
Im losing the realityof here and now and im scared,
Im scared he is going to come and get me and teach me one final tough lesson for speaking, for sharing, for daring to do it,
Silly me, I should have known, Ive been warned,
Maybe not,!! Can he really do this, People say he cant, but they dont know him or what he is capable of, he is a powerfull man who can get anything he wants,
But he has had me, So will he really want me again,
Maybe seeing the suffering im going through will be enough to keep him going, Maybe the pain will be better for him than no me.,
I DONT KNOW, I NEVER WILL.
Im not dead, just floating.......so my time to meet him aint just now....

i aksed the dr "wont you please prescribe me something"

I asked the dr wont you please prescribe me something a day in the life of someone else........cause im a hazard to myself...
If only!!!! Imagine trying to get through on a monday to that surgery.....
It is so so early and the house is done, washing done, what am i going to do the rest of this day....think.....dream...panic......feel sick.,
that all sounds about right,
In a day, a normal day, if i can use that word, "normal" and me in the same sentance, i could maybe be done for trade description.....
A normal day.. i get up,ready,kids ready, housework done, kids fed, washing done, ironing put away, and its usually about 9am by the time i finish, so the rest of the day is spent going between now and about 20+ years ago, One minute im watching the tv, not that, that happens much, i aint a big fan of peppa pig and dora the explorer, but if on the odd chance mr kyle is gracing my tv, i watch it, then boom im watching tv im a kid and i know whats about to happen, the dread in my stomache is unberable, the feeling in my head is one of fear nothing but fear,and confusion, what have i done so wrong this time to warrant another beating, to warrant being groped, to be made to do things that i shouldnt have to do, I wonder what ive done so wrong this time, I always seem to make the wrong judgement, I always try to do good, but always get it wrong and always get so so punished,
Mind maybe next time ill get it right........
MUM...... this is usually the cry that snaps me out of this hell and brings me back to the present hell, and number 1 child is usually gonna give me a long explanation for something, thank god number 1 is here to snap me back to the hear and now or id maybe be stuck in hell 24/7 instead of maybe half that......

Another day in paradise......hahaha

OH MY GOD MY HEAD IS MUSHHHHHHH
I try to get on with things and i try to be a good mum, a good wife and a good friend...I must not try hard enough as i feel im doing no good at any of these things,
Good mum??Im such a good mum that i must shout and bawl all day,
I wished and waited for the day number one child would walk and talk and be able to do things, Now........ironicly i spend all day yelling at her to sit still, stop jumping/dancing/skipping and PAAALLLLEEEAAASSE be quiet, my number one child can talk for the household, the country and probably talks more than any living human being. WOW it is murder, my head is burling with all sorts and all i hear is mum....mum....mum.... HOW ANNOYING
Number two child doesnt talk yet and im defo.. enjoying this time as much as i possible can, though it is never that enjoyable as number 1 always makes enough noise for them both,,,,,arghhhhhh
As for being a good wife, hahaha, I cook and clean and watch his noisey bloody kids so in my mind im a bloody good wife, though i dont meet "His Needs" kinda tough aint it,
Being puked on by a baby and shouted at by a four year old all day dont do much for the old libido thats for sure.....
As for my hell, yep im defo still living it, and living it clearer everyday, I try to explain to people like the health visitor or psycholigist how bad it is, but i always hold back,
I mean what if they took me away, put me in a psych ward?
No kids,housework,puke,shouting,husband, mmmmmmmmm
now how nice does that sound, bliss, but still no, not a possibility for me, id be to ashamed, as would darling husband,
Never slept well last night, the body is tired but the head is just evil, the more i try not to go back there, the more i try not to think about the abuse, the more i try to stay 27 and not 4 the more i try to sleep and be an adult with normal dreams, the more i suffer the flashbacks, the harder it is to sleep the worse the nightmares and the more crabit and screwed up i am in the morning,
I feel a need for speed, IF ONLY.....
Hell is cold today, it is sunny out though it is bloody window, what my grannie would have called a "good drying day" and yep the washing is out, Oh no! Am i turning into my granny???? hehe, never a bad thing, ohh shit i made a pot of homemade soup today, I am turning into my granny...................
HELP........ive lost the plot.....
well only another 5 hours to bedtime, how much more shouting in 5 hours, id reckon one hell of a lot.Not my bed time, but number 1 childs, and number 2 will be fifteen mins later then i can breathe again at a some what normal rate, if that is possibly???????
Well ill check in later and update if hell has frozen over yet, somehow Im doubting it....

why do this, why not???

this is something ive thought about doing for so so long, but never got round to it,
So why now? well why not? and maybe someone out there will read it and think, wow i aint alone,
Kids are sleeping, though for how long, football is on so its just me and the pc for the next 90mins undisturbed....
People say we are "survivors" yeah right, id say unlucky to still be here, bad luck for going through what we did and very unlucky to have to be going through the same stuff over and over again,
Anyone else a survivor?? If you were in a car crash you walked away you are a survivor, you were part of a plane crash you lived a survivor,
Raped and abused and still living the nightmare in your head everyday?
that dont sound like surviving to me, that sounds like a living hell., that is a living hell and this is the diary of my living hell