HELP!!!!!!!!!

i dont think i can take much more, dont think i can go on much longer
when i just feel so defeated, so tired, so scared and so frightened,and hightened as each hour passes......
I just want to feel safe,
SAFE thats all i want,
I know he cant get me nomore as that is what common sense
tells me to think, i know when you die, you are no more,
But how do i really know this, no one knows what happens when you die
How do i not know that he is not living as someone else near me?
Or he is watching my everymove, when he first died i was distraught
devastated and was told not to worry as he could watch over me everyday
NOT MUCH FKN COMFORT,
So what if he is?
What will he do to me, my kids, my family,
Will he ever leave my head?
Do i allow him to take over my "existence"
Is it only me who can get rid of him
But i cant do this, i have tried for ever to do this
HELP HELP HELP
i suppose maybe it is true, maybe i am just a lost soul......a child in an adults body, looking for comfort and looking for protection
i just hope someone can find me and soon before there is no finding left to do
before finding aint an option nomore.
arghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
it was never meant to be like this, i was meant to tell and then it was meant to go away, i was meant to feel lighter, like a weight lifted, not heavy hearted, numb and like the weight of the world is on me....

Ever want to stick two fingers up to the world????

God i really didnt think it could get worse, i honestly didnt
I havent slept YET and im exhausted, im past exhausted
Im so numb it is scaring me
Every hour im getting more scared, but of what im not sure,
Going out?? God its not an option, what is gonna happen to me now
Where am I going to end up? What is my punishment?
Im waiting and the longer i waite the worse it gets, the more scared im becoming
The more fear inside me, the more sick i feel,
I dont know what to do,
The h.v came to see me today, asked me to tell the psych just how near
to i dont know "crumbling" "falling apart" "stopping exsisting" how low
i have got how tired i am, how scared I am and how sick i feel,
She wanted to phone her if i didnt, I said i would think about it,
Always a good cop out, dont say yep, dont say no, say youll think about it,

I got some new books to read yesterday, from the psych...
And i didnt know if i could do it, but in my hour of stupidity
when i wasnt sleeping, i nearly read from cover to cover of one,
Did it help? I dont know, small parts yeah defo, others no not at all,
Got me thinking one day maybe ill print this, give it to people that want to
read how it really is,
Trying to work through stuff youve been trying not to discuss for 20+ year
How hard it is to talk when you fear what will be done to you
How hard it is to talk when you fear being carted away or someone getting into
trouble,
Or the fear that social work are gonna bust in and grab your kids,
I mean "abusers were abused" is that not what they all say so what are abused gonna be abusers, I know the answer to that, but do others,
I know i could NEVER put anyone through an ounce of what I have,
Not even people i hate never mind people i love.
I know im not the best mum, but im not evil.
my head is all over the place, i feel im getting nowhere but i know i am,
i suppose a cut gets sorer before its better, im dying here with this one so if it even started to heal, a little it would be better than the gaping wound that is now............
i just need help, to talk, to cry, i cant cry, im scared to cry, i need to sit in a corner and feel safe to cry knowing i want be ridicouled or chastised for doing it
i dont ask for much, not huge things in the scale of the world, just to cry and be safe, and maybe if im really lucky learn and be taught how to live and how to love.

more lyrics from PInk

Its weird how sometimes you hear things and you think you couldnt put it into words better yourself, It is weird when you sing a song and it has as much meaning to you that the person who wrote it to start with
Ive never really noticed the words to this song before even though I love the song,and listen to the album, too much..
I know that makes no sense but, hey not much i do does anyway!!!!!
so the lyrics,im talking of are from Long way to happy... by none other than Pink....
.........some parts of the song

no more waking up to innocence,
say hello to hesitance
to everyone i meet
thanks to you years ago
ill never know
what love means to me

... left in the pieces that you broke me into
torn apart but now ive got to
keep rolling like a stone
cause its gonna be a long long way to happy
.......
...left my childhood behind
in a rollaway bed
it was so damb simple
now im losing my head.....

"I want to thank you, thankyou,
from the bottom of my heart for all the sleepless
nights and for tearing me apart......

I couldnt have put it better myself,
thankyou x.x

My Head

OH MY GOD,
I said it before and ill say it again
MY HEAD IS SWIMMING......
raping me,
touching me,
shouting at me
loving me,
hating me
cuddling me
hitting me
watching me
photographing me
kissing me
strangling me
scaring me
caring for me
loving me
hating me
wanting me
telling me
not wanting me
punishing me
sharing me
hating me
loving me
teaching me
telling me
threatening me
treating me
buying me
selling me
keeping me
protecting me
spoiling me
shouting at me
wanting me
hating me
loving me
ARGHHHHHHHHHHHHHH IM SO CONFUSED

PAIN

Arghhhh I'm grinding my teeth so badly at the moment that my jaw hurts so bad and my teeth are agony too, great......
My head is still sore and i just feel wrecked,
I am so tired, surprise,surprise, this is my war cry.....
My grave will say "R.I.P ............, she was so tired! lol.....
Well one more day...one more day....till i sike myself up
take the brave pills, decide to open up, finally let all this
shit in my head out, talk til i have nothing left to say
(well maybe not, we have an hour)
And i can say now what will happen, i can so second guess me
Ill bottle it, not say what is swimming in my head and eventually
my head is going to drown in it,
And there where will i be,
I feel a bit to calm for my liking just now, I feel a bit "settled", maybe it is the calm before the storm,
Or maybe i know myself too too well and know that all this shit will still be in my head tomorrow and ill have FAILED again,
I'm good at that....... bit too good

im oh so tired.............

I have hardly slept and when i did fall asleep
I jumped out my bed, screaming, the most awfull
dream ive had in a long time,in fact maybe ever,
I want to go and curl up and sleep now,
But not practical, dont think two kids could look
After themselves, maybe they would do a better job,
WHO KNOWS.......
I plan to sleep tonight, i plan to take the emergency sleeping pill
And get to sleep, and stay asleep,
And the other half can deal with the kids if they get up,
As ill be in oblivious sound sleep,
Ill feel crap for it tomorrow and groggy, but needs must
Need to sleep and i cant fight it no more

I was getting so good at going to sleep
and better still staying asleep
Not now, thoughts and dreams,
Visions and images, sights and smells
MAKE SURE OF THAT

I never thought this would be easy,
But NEVER this hard,
this is harder than then as i know
how nasty and wrong it is now,
I didnt judge as much then, I was scared
and I still am, it was a physical fear then,
sometimes a fear of the unknown.
Its a mental one now,
An emotianal fear, a spiritual fear,
And shame, disgust, judged,
Definetly a fear of the known.
I just never thought it would be this hard,
And i do try hard, i really bloody do, at least
thats one thing i can be proud of...
If nothing else,

I dont know what to do.......

I could cry and run away, though i dont think i would get very far...
I am slowly or quickly??losing the plot, I was cleaning earlier when i realised i was on my knees brushing the carpet, I HAVE A HOOVER!!!!
I just felt the hoover wasnt cleaning enough.....
I told you, im losing the plot,

I had a visit yesterday from my h.v,
Why do i do it?? Why do i pretend everything is bloody great??
Why when she left did i want to go and hide, and run and cry??
As always i had the oppurtunity to ask for help, to be listened too,
too be supported in my fucked up head and as always i put my mask on
and pretended life was great, I even spoke about going back to work...
L>M>A>O, me WORKING??? I cant even go into the garden sometime
as i feel so scared, My house is my castle, my castle is safe.....well sometimes
I got up this morning, not that i slept too much,
And i thought ill phone the psych,. she will listen,she will help.
But i never, I changed my mind there too, why should
She listen, my slot is next week and that is when ill have my time,
No doubt ill screw it up and pretend all is well,
I always do this when things get hard as I dont know what else
to do,

I really dont know what to do....
Im so scared, another week of feeling like this, AGES...
Maybe i could run away, or maybe im kidding myself
Where could i even go, well there is one place no one could
come and get me from, but then who will be there when i get there??
is it worth running to there?? when it could be worse,
They say the grass is always greener, yeah til you get there, then your
lucky if there is even grass there......

why...................

Ive asked myself this question about 100x in the last hour or two?
Ive spoken now, ive made up my mind to do this and bloody do it right yet it still feels so wrong, Why????
Ive cleared my fears on the ears that are listening ............ive asked for the truth and she says she wont hate me, she will believe me and for once i actually believe
so why am I so bloody scared....
I dont mind being judged as i would expect judging, I deserve judging and lets be honest when i meet my maker, someday soon, then i ultimately will be judged one last time... what will this judgement bring?
Eternal heat wouldnt be a bad thing as im always cold,
People keep telling me how warm it is already outside, people are wearing t-shirts and I have the heating on, so maybe eternal free heating would not be a bad thing.....save me paying british gas for the priveladge,.....so the burny place doesnt look to daunting,

Im still so tired, my jaw and head is still aching and i really just want to sleep, is this really such a hard thing to ask,
My head is full of why? just now,
Not why has it happened? I know this answer, I know that i was stupid and that i was niave and that i was too blame, for a lot of it, that isnt my debate,
Not why am i still here? I know that answer too, I remind myself of it daily,or they do!!!!!!
But why after so long do i have this urge to talk, to tell, to scream and to yell,
The thoughts of the past of my present of everything are overtacking everything else in life, I have no life, Im exsisting in a memory, in a past but WHY does it feel so real, why does he still come into my life daily, hourly, all the time,
Why does he still tell me what he is going to do for my disobediance, for me being so disloyal,
Why do i have to still be his bitch, his princess, his whore, his big girl, HIS SECRET SPECIAL GIRL,
WHY does it seem that im being totrured all over again, how can people call this a "past" past is something that is finished with,

WHY can I not just talk and tell and scream and yell.
Ill need to soon and i know I can trust now and that was the big thing holding me back,
I know that ill be safe to talk and will not be taken advantage of, the things i say will not be used against me,
So maybe i just need to do this, once and for all, one finally attempt at a future before i give up, one final stretch and maybe one day i can be free to be me,
Oh thats a whole other fear, me, do i even think that would be a good thing?
i just need a large portian of bravery pills and ill manage i hope, i think, i pray..

help me lord...................

I have such a sore head,
It is bouncing and pounding and has been for weeks
I cant seem to get rid of it, I feel so confused as well just now
And im not sleeping as well as i wish i could,
Does anyone every sleep as well as they wish they could?
PROBABLY NOT.....
We have had easter, so easter eggs n chocolates, that always helps, chocolate can cure a million things im sure,
So where am I now?
Wishing i wasnt here, thats for sure, number one child is tormenting number two who is squeling, Will they ever learn to like each other, i wonder.......
With the surviving...? Well im still here,still surviving and still trying to breath, trying to make sense of it all in my head, but im still so stuck.......
to move on i need to go back, to go back i need to face it, to face it i need to be brave and brave, well i just aint that, AM I?
The memories of things id wish werent true, are plagueing me daily, and the only way to get rid, is to discuss them, can i be this disloyal, Do i have a choice? I suppose i dont have a choice anymore as it been 20years and im no further forward so pretending, isnt working, so i suppose the next best thing is to get on with it, no fears, no holding back and no preserving myself, why preserve something like me, preserving should be left for deserving things, for good things and for things that people may wont to keep in later years, so why i preserving myself, i was soiled goods many years ago, so i need to accept this now and get on with it, I NEED TO, I WILL, Oh please god, help me do this,please, i dont ask for much..............

I wish the sun outside could come in here.............

Its such a sunny day outside, i was hanging the washing out and it is warm already and its only 8.40am, and early April, weird,

The kids and I are all dressed and i was thinking where i could take them for the day as it is so nice, and I've nothing left to clean and tidy in here,
BUT I CANT...
I cant motivate myself to go out, my stomach is in knots and i feel sick just at the thought of it, I know if we had a nice day out i would feel so much better,
BUT I CANT
I want to just pack a lunch and go,
BUT I CANT
I want to grab the ball from the garden and go to the park,
BUT I CANT
I want to just do something and I cant

So how can i be a good mother and how can anyone say these two are so better with me than anyone else, anyone else would have them packed and off out for the day,
Enjoying the fresh air, getting some much needed spring sun, getting a change of scenery from the usual four walls,
It makes sense but doesn't stop the fact that I'm not doing it,
I feel sick, butterflies, dread, fear, tired,stressed at the thought of leaving my safe place and it ain't worth it just for fresh air,

I'm so so tired and i want a good sleep and maybe that would cure lots, or then again maybe not,
I'm sleeping at night, but I'm waking up more tired as I'm dreaming sometimes dreams of memories other times just nightmares of similar things but not true memories, so I'm jumping up in my sleep and waking with such a fright that my head is in constant pain, sharp , sore pain, My mind is playing tricks with me and not letting me sleep peacefully, not letting my body re charge.
Not letting me forget even for a few hours a night to sleep,

It was never this bad til I told someone, I will learn someday to listen as i was warned how bad it would be to talk, how much it would hurt me,
I fear of being taken away to a locked place, jail, psych ward, i was told it was possible if i told, why am I so stupid,
I thought when i opened up It would be easier, its not its harder, I thought i would be glad and feel free, I'm not I'm scared and feel fear, yet i Know i need to continue and open up and set myself free, as silence has never helped in the past,
I need to feel some blame away from me, but if i do that what am i admitting, what am i feeling, feelings will have to change and that is scary, very very scary....its easier to blame me than turn on those i love, all i have.