cry.....crying........tears

I feel so so low today,
lower than ive felt in such a long time
and i feel so so so vulnerable,
more than i have felt in a long time
I feel tired, really tired
And confused and i want to cry,
I want to cry and cry and not be shouted at for it
Not be punished for it,
Not be ridicouled for it,
I want to cry and cry for a long time
Till i can cry no more,
And to be cuddled, to feel safe, to be allowed to cry
But that wont ever happen as everyone looks at me in disgust,
They see me for what i done for all them years with all you men
They see me for the tart i am, the dirty girl i am and they see me for the
fucked up screwed up person i am,
And if they dont then there is something wrong,
I KNOW thats what i am
I KNOW what i did was wrong, I know what they did was wrong
If it were one person,then maybe i could say Ok maybe they were evil or bad
But there was only one of me and lots of you, so it must be me that is evil or bad
I know i was punished a lot, and i know why
People mocked this, the things i done wrong, saying they werent wrong,
But when you are told not to do something and you do it,
Or you promise to do something and you dont
Then you are being bad, it is wrong
Im really really tired and i need to move to bath my kids,
I feel sick at the thought that i have to do this tonight,
I cant do it, what if people think i would harm them,
What if people know what ive done in the past and assume that ill allow them
to do the same,
It scares me so much to wash them, bath them, change bums, the lot,
I cant bear to be physically close or emotianally close to them
The more i say i hate my kids, the more i say that they do my head in
The safer they will be
If i wasnt in there life they would be safe,
So why am i staying around, why am i putting the people i love in danger,
I dont know, and if i dont know, then why am i here,
Im so so tired, ill be in my bed pretty sharp tonight,
take some pills and sleep, needs must, needs must
Fingers crossed i never wake up,
i might even watch a soppy film give me an excuse to cry,
i might not bother ill go to bed and dream im gonna die

A fine mess

Im in a fine mess aint I???
today has been horrendous,it has been awfull,
It has been just the worst, or as near to that as can be...
i was told he cant do nothing now, how can people say this,
I KNOW HE CAN
he tells me everyday
I fear for people, ive involved them by telling them,
what will he do to them?what will he do?
She is braver than i could be as she disses him
Slanders him,
It makes me sick to the stomache to hear,
I love him so much, i need to, if i dont, he will harm those i do love
I cant let him do that,he cant hurt me through others, that wouldnt be good
But he knows he can, he can hurt me more through others, yet people think im silly for thinking this, for knowing this and for believing it,
Ive seen it first hand, esp in the last year,
The terrible sickness been caused by me,
Selfish idiotic me, why do i feel the need to tell anyway
It wont change things
It wont make a difference
It causes more harm than good
People will be hurt
I will be hurt so why the hell do i do it,
Why did i not just keep shut and then things would have been different
People wouldnt be hurt, sick, ill,
God wouldnt be juggling with what to do next
God would have left me be,
But not now, how can he, how can anyone,
Ive spoken out and ive left nothing to the imagination
Stupid fkn me, silly stupid me
I wish i hadnt cant believe i have
How can i go to sleep
How can i protect those that mean so much if i aint aware of there every movement,
Even in the night,
Even when they sleep
How can i go to sleep knowing that terrible things are gonna happen to people that are only involved becuase i allowed them to be
Arghhh im so damn stupid and so damn simple sometimes,
What made me forget this, what made me forget the concecuences
I didnt forget though i gambled and so far ive been proved right,
How terrible what nexts,
I know the power involved here, God is a very powerfull, the most powerfull and if god knows and allows then obivously i done wrong,
Sins are punished,
Though is listening really a sin, is being related really a sin, so why hurt them
If anyone should be hurt it is me and i can cope with that, i couldnt hurt no more than i am now and to be honest, it would be a blessing if worse happened, a blessing in disguise,
But that was never an option, i was never the one to die, was i??It was always those i cared for, those that mattered, and those that believed they were the ones always in danger,
why have i spoke, im so so stupid and niave, i will hold myself solely responsible for anything that goes wrong and rightly rightly so,
im so so tired, wish someone else could watch over the family and let me sleep
i wish i could give into it, but i dont deserve it, i dont deserve it, so u shall punish me instead and tat is fine

HAVING ENOUGH

IM SO HAVING ENOUGH
IVE SO HAD ENOUGH
I SO WANT TO RUN
I SO WANT TO HIDE
CAN YOU HELP ME
CAN ANYONE HELP ME
IF NOT ENOUGH IS ENOUGH
I CANT GO ON, I CANT GO ON....................

I Knew someone had it in for me

Ive said it before ive said it a hundred times
yet no one ever listens or believes me
Someone somewhere has it in for me,

Ive been tortured this last few days
Im living in hell, its official
Im living in the past, it cant be the past
as it is here, it is now, it is constant
I dont think i can take much more,
THUNDER
I hate it, it scares me,
i feel so so frightened and when im feeling
so low as i am just now, this constant
THUNDER
aint helping at all,
It scares me so much,
Takes me back even more,
Im remembering times when it thundered
Im remembering that fear and pain,
The same fear i always feel when it thunders
I hate it, why do i have to keep remembering
Why cant my head just stop
Ive spent so much of the last few days
sat on the stair, completly covered from head to toe
with my mp3 player in,blocking out the world around me,
trying to block out the world inside me
just trying to block out everything,
Ive tried to go into my music,
Live in my music, forget whats happening, forget the thunder
Forget what happens when you are scared, the people that
come to protect you, hurt you.
ive spent nights on the computer with mp3 in,
I really dont think i can take much more,
I always knew it would be hard, get harder,
but never this hard,This is just worse than i ever knew

My head is away
i feel like my body is there too
i feel battered and tired n sore and bruised
I have no energy to fight,
Why fight? Fighting doesnt win, it just makes it worse
I feel confused and sick
I feel agitated and on edge, major on edge
the least noise the least movement,
the least touch and im back there or im looking for it
Im aware all the time of where he is, or where i expect him to be
My baby has been pretty sick, she is always sick,is this punishment
Is it a way of showing me they can and will punish me,
Is it a way of keeping me quiet,

I feel so dirty and scared and confused,
I feel as though i could sleep if i sat still for five minutes
But i cant sleep just now,I cant sit still,
what if i decide to sleep later
Have an early night, go to bed,
What will happen to me, what will happen to my family,
Will i waken tomorrow or will it be goodbye

im still scared

Im still sitting i havent moved since i last typed
I havent moved an inch
Im scared to move
Im so so so scared
I dont remember ever feeling so scared.
not in a long time
Im reliving this f.b constantly just now
Is that what happens does it have to get worse before it gets better
how much worse can it get???
my stomache hurts
im in pain,
what is happening to me, im scared,

why can i feel the pain
Why am i being sick,
i dont get this, its not good,
where the fuck am i, that all thisis happening?
Why am i bleeding? Why am i in so much pain?
It feels like it did then,
exactly as it did, maybe it is a dream,
But why so real??Why it all??
This aint good,very bizarre
Im scared!!! I dont get it,
i know it shouldnt be happening
Ive threw up aswell
Is this the physical part of a flashback,
This aint good, normal, i aint normal though am i
will i get a chance to finish this
Its over now, i know it is,
all over now,no more helping me
listening to me,
im sad
im glad i dont know what
Im so ashamed, im sorry
i wish i hadnt said what i did today
then i would have got to finish this,
but who would want to help me now,
who would want to listen to me,
Who would want to work with me
I should have just left it as it was,
There was no need to tell all,
I dont blame anyone for being disgusted,
Im disgusted, just believe me, I didnt like it
Honestly, that is my word,
I didnt ask for it and it didnt make me feel special
I know thats what was said, i cant and wont blame anyone for thinking that
But i didnt.i promise,
hopefully it is not the end, if it is i understand,
I wouldnt want to know me if i didnt have to either.

i feel so so so ashamed and confused

As usual everyone is sleeping except me,
IM GONE...........
My head is away, im hiding as i type,
Ive been hiding for hours now,
Its helping, hiding under this scarf
I feel safer, how bizarre,
its like a magic blanket, does it make me invisible?
Does it make me safe? Am i safer?
Or do i just feel safer, Am i safe now?
Probably not,
I wish i had this years ago, i suppose if i had
Id be safe, i wish i could have been rescued,
If i had this id have been saved then,
Can i be safe now?
I dont want to die
But i aint keen on living either,
Im so ashamed and confused,
Im ashamed that i spoke the way i did today
Im ashamed that people now know what i am capable of,
the vulgar things i have done
the dirty things i done,
the fact i didnt just die, or give in,
Like most would have
The fact i didnt say NO when i was told not to cry
When i was told "shut up, why you crying"
"dont ruin this for everyone be good"
"be clever " "you are a lucky big girl" "special girl" "trust me"
"you are lucky we love you so much"
DID I ENJOY IT THAT MUCH?????
They seemed to think so,
Did they not see the tears,
Silent tears after a while,
But they were still there
Did they not hear my screams,
I heard them..
Just look at the mark and it will go,
Look hard, if you are not allowed to look away then look at the mark on the ceiling, dont shut your eyes, or you might not be able to open them again
Why didnt i close my eyes
Im confused, I feel confused today
Confused that I was listened to,
that I could finally put words to these things
they didnt shout at me
they listened and let me talk
helped me when i was so scared to talk
they didnt tell me how disgusting i am
How bad I am
Im confused and ashamed
Will i ever be able to go back now,
Will they even want to see me again?
Probably not, can i blame them, No i cant
Does this mean the end,
Can i ever look at them again?
Now they know how truly dirty and bad i am
I feel so dirty
i want a bath, i cant have another one,
I want bleach,
If i can smell bleach i cant smell disinfectant
Why did they do that???
Where they removing all trace of them
It was so sore and nipped so much,
Was it just more punishment....
I really need to go for a bath
but i cant, Ill wake the house,
I want to go to bed, but i cant,
How can i give in to sleep,
How can i give up that control too
How can I protect myself or my kids when im asleep
I cant, sleep is not good, its for the weak
sleep is a reward, to let your body heal,,grow and recoperate,
I dont deserve that.
At least when im awake I am prepared and ready
When im sleeping its worse, scarier,
Waking up to pain, fear,Id rather see that coming
than wake up to it,
Though waiting is worse, especially if i waite and it doesnt come
Is the door closed, or open, if it is closed tight, im safe,
Please close it tight tonight,

I was asked today how i managed to get where i am?
Like where I am is good, haha, i wish
I survived as best i could the last 27 year,
I done what was needed to stop the questions
To stop the curious looks,
I did what was expected,
I turned up at school, i didnt stay there mentally
But i was there physically,
I did the same at college and uni,
I went i sat and i let myself go,
I went else where, i let my body and mind go numb
When i had to sit exams, i did the best i could,
I scraped by,
When i had to write an essay, I done it as i do this
I sat at the pc i typed, saved and never reread,
i remember being told my essays where a welcomed break
i remember a lecturer telling me he could hear me when he read it
He felt like i was having a conversation with him, showing i had grasped it perfectly, with a few quotes thrown in for good measure,
he liked that
Others didnt, but that was tough,
I passed and now what!!!!!!!!!!
I never wanted to do that!!!
I done what was expected, make them proud,
Let them show off, look what they have created.....
No one suspected anything after all i was a good uni girl
Haha if only they knew,
Whos ass where they covering by wanting me to
"be the first to go to uni" "be first to get a degree"
Why did i have to take this route and not the rest of the family
I wonder.....
I didnt want to do it, but like everything else in life,
I had no choice, have i ever had a choice,
Do i ever have a choice????
Have a choice, now??
What would i do if i did have a choice,

I thought by talking id be letting go
If only ive been in and out of that place,
so much tonight,
Ive noticed things,
The circles on the ceiling,
The black marks, near the light,
The light is weird, rounded on the ceiling
It is bright, a bright light, i cant look at it for long as it
starts to hurt, like when you look at the sun,you shouldnt do that either its bad,
The mark on the ceiling, wee black marks,
I dont know what they are,
Could be dirt, just marks, I watch them instead
If i concentrate on them for long enough it stops,
The circle are like a whirlpool, u would get lost in them
But in the mark, you can always know, if you keep looking at it,
It doesnt change, it stays the same, you can control the mark
cant control the circles...
If i look at the mark then im fine,
One of these days that mark will be gone,
all marks will be gone
what will that mean that im gone too
Its over,
I need to hide more, im getting so scared
I hate feeling scared,I always get scared at this time,
When its really dark and there is no sun in the sky
I dont want to feel scared, please leave me alone tonight
I cant take much more,
I want my mummy to come,
Why wont she come,
Im really scared,please someone help me
Please come and get me, i dont care where you take me
Anywhere away from here,
I need to sleep i am so tired, but i cant,
he might come if im sleeping,
If i keep looking at the stars, or the marks, the shadows,
I should fight the sleep,
Ive had enough, im so scared, i need to hide,
i need a cuddle i need to be safe,can they get me here,

im having enough,,,,enough,,,,enough

Im so so having enough!!!!!!!!
I am wide awake when the rest of the world is winding down
I am fully alert and ive had enough of it,
I want to just run away from everything
I thank god full time that i have my family here
My husband and my kids
Or where would i be

I want to get on
I want to be a survivor
But im kidding myself aint i
Im having a laugh, to think i have any chance of anything
I watched tv today
Morning tv and there were paedophiles on it,
They had no shame,
They were not brave enough to show there face
The "victims" were crying, were a mess
They were showing this man they won,
And they were older than me
A lot older than me
So what chance do i have

On the news tonight,
People abusing kids over the net,
Using web cameras
Is it everywhere
Why did i have kids????
What have i brought them into???
Why did i do this,
Im so stupid,
This evil evil world,
They have a fucked up stupid arse of a mother
Why, WHy, Why
this is just not good,
Babies, kids the lot all being abused,
WHY?????
Are they all as bad as me?
They couldnt be could they?
my head is mush
as i said im having enough!!!!!

I tried but I failed

My god, ive tried so hard these last few days to remain upbeat
Ive tried to get a grip and take things on, head on
I suppose i was stupid to think it would last
I was niave to think i was getting anywhere
I woke up this morning, yep woke up!!!!
Which means i slept......
And for once in my life i had real fire in my belly
I had fight in my blood and i felt strong
I have faced major drawbacks in the last week
But i have coped
Til now, ive realised how silly i was being
To think i could fight this,
For giving myself this hope, for believing i was strong
How can i be strong

Im still being plagued by flashbacks,
I have thoughts running through my head
24/7 and it is so hard to try to remain forcused on the here and now
I really thought i had got something today
The last few days, now i wish i hadnt
as it is so true what the say
"the higher up you are the further you have to fall"
And ive truley realised this just now, i know this now
As i fell and i have fell so bloody far that i dont know
I dont know that trying to get up again can be worth it

Noone thinks things will be this hard
Ive I had id have kept my secrets,
They were eaten at me, but i was in some control
Now, ive lost it all, or if i havent it certainly feels like i have
I know these things are happening for a reason
And i know i should have listened,
why did i think it was safe to tell, it will never be safe
Will it? it wont i know that
Im so tired, think now ive gave into sleep my body is craving it
I just hope i can give into that craving though
Do i even deserve to sleep, or is it that i do deserve to sleep in order to be punished in my sleep through my dreams
If only i knew the answers then id know what course to take

someone somewhere has it in for ME

Ive decided, its official some greater force is working against me,
I try to get on and im always knocked back down,
I try to live yet people are damned sure i wont live peacefully,
There is some evil out there and no matter what i do they shit on me

Ive had an awfull few days, with family members disowning me and my kids
Over a petty, petty argument,
They are being spitefull, threatening the lot and for what??
I dont know what im supposed to have done and for a while i thought
Maybe i am bad and evil and i do things then forget
BUT NOT TRUE
People who were there, have told me, i done no wrong,
People who truley care have told me to get on,
People who pretend to care are abusing me mentally all over again
They are calling me for everything,
They are being spitefull and hurtfull and just damn right evil
Yet i done nothing?
I dont know how to cope, when some of the things are taking me back
I wonder if i allow it to happen to easily,
If i was stronger, would it happen.
Im sure it wouldnt

They are hurting my whole family and hurting my kids
and that is just evil
I have so much to cope with coping with my head, the memories,
the pain and this is just adding to it,
I think someone is pushing me into doing things,
BUT WHY????

I really thought i was a good person,
I really tried to do good to these people,
To care and share
I was given comfort then it was snatched from me,
And i just cant understand it,
It is breaking my heart, big time,
And its breaking my head,

Im going from then, being told sick things
to know being told sick things,
And it makes me wonder,
Do i attract these people????
Do i bring on such evilness myself,
Do i give out a vibe???
Am i soo vulnerable that im just an easy target...
Thats probably it, i am more vulnerable now that ever before
But i need to just scrape myself back up
Let my fingertips get a grip and start climbing,
Or at this rate the kids will have noone,
Except there dad, who loves them, but is crumbling slowly with pain too

I just wish i knew how to stop this from happening,
Knew how to help me get on,
I take pne step forward then im knocked back for six,
Whats the point of trying to move on, people dont want me to
Someone somewhere, is trying to make sure i dont
And im kind of aware of who that is,
But i cant prove that, can I...

Im so tired with this now, i could sleep for a week
Or maybe a hundred years, and waite for my prince t o rescue me,
Or has he done that already

I dont do games

My head is all over the place
It is near 4am and surprise surprise im still up,
I aint surprised no more, i swear im a freak,
Im so so so so super alert, the least noise and i jump anyway
so whats the point going to bed, what is the point

I was feeling vulnerable there or was i feeling brave
I was feeling shit and was thinking lets prove i dont do games
lets prove i have bottle, lets prove i can do it..
But i didnt did i?so maybe it is all a fuckin game,
Or maybe i just think this is the one thing ill control
No one else, NO ONE
Why, as i aint full of spite and id be doing it to prove a point.....
as it is not how i planned, and not what i wanted,
I dont do games,
"games" yeah cause its fun, hardly, what does that say about me?
that im lying, that im playing at it????
How can i prove thats not true, I cant
Do you even believe me,
Probably not...
I need to SLEEP this just aint funny no more, at all,
I know im disgusting, and no one will want to go with me,
But they did, thats what they liked,
In fact they made me disgusting or did my disgusting make them
Fuck knows
There are places i could go to get away
I know that, but what if i got found??
thats why i thought that was easier all round
I cant belive i told her
Idiot......im a full class idiot

Im as thick as fuckkkkkkkkkkkk
im gonna grab an hour before my d.d is up,
joy... if i can,
Just an hour on the sofa, to help me function
Think ive got a hangover kicking in....
wine headache ouch......
though maybe i dont?maybe its just all the playing
at games im doing??I wish,,,, i so fuckin wish it was that easy
sorry for making it seem so......
and im sorry for making you think that,
I just hope i never prove that one wrong....
I dont want to, im just scared not too.

4am

I cant believe it is 4am, and i still havent attempted to even go to bed
Not went up stair
Not got ready for bed,
Just not attempted it
Here we go again....no sleep
Why cant i just give in?
Im scared thats why
Why cant i just try and chill out ?
Im scared, I SAID
ohhh im getting so annoyed with myself
the flashbacks are doing my head in so much so
that i just aint having anymore of it
It is constant,everything around me is taking me back there
My daughter is taking me back there...
My existence now is back there!!!
I need to get rid, if it was even occasional
I could cope, but everything is making it worse
June aint a good month,
But neither are any of them really,
But June is the start of the summer aint it,
And where do you go all summer
Well i know where i go
or where i went,
And it is June now, well its been June for a few days now,
Why now?Why does my head have to go now?
Its everything............
Its the summer, weekends,xmas, the times i should enjoy
the times other people look forward to

Im so tired, in fact im exhausted, look like shit too
But then who wouldnt having no sleep,
Wish i could just give in,
My head is somewhat alert to every noise,
Every creak of the floor or the pipes,
Every sound and im alert and ready...
I just wish it would all get over with now,
Ive one message for you, for him,
If you are gonna do something gonna please
PLEASE just do it,
If you want to punish me then get on with it
I cant waite no more,
I shouldnt have to waite anymore,

I knew this would happen,
I knew id feel this way
Id been warned and warned more about this than anything
I was warned NOT TO TELL OUR SECRET,

WHY DIDNT I LISTEN

I dont think im scared of dying anymore
In fact im more scared of living,
Will i ever be any different to i am now,
Do i deserve to be any different than i am now
Will i know how to be different???
Probably not,

What will my head do when it isnt torturing me??
What do "normal" people have in there head all the time
Though its not just in my head, its all around me
Ive said it before and ill say it again, how can people tell
me this is my past when im living it here and now
I sometimes dont know what is real and what isnt
Some of the flashbacks are so real and can actually
FEEL the pain, thats just not normal, is it?

Oh god please help me, please i only ask you when its
very bad, so its very bad obviously.....

needs must.........................

Is it just me??????????
I have so had enough now,
Im hanging on by my finger tips and that is no understatement,
I hate this, I cant cope with the flash backs the panic i feel
I cant cope with the disgust and the hatred i feel
I cant cope with the dirty i feel,
It seems worse now than then as its 24/7 now
At least when i was younger i had respite, well kind of....
I cant cope with my kids
I cant cope with my family
I cant cope with this surviving nonsense anymore

I aint surviving, im exsisting and only just
I know that im nearing the end of the therapy
And i was right from the start,
I start to get somewhere and they go away,
I start to think i can trust and the end is near
Ive never got this far before they have said it will end,
Usually i just open and up and then they leave,
Like the old h.v, i still hate her, as she hurt me more than
anyone will ever know, she listened then walked.....one day
"trust me" the next day she was swapping her caseload, i,e me,
Maybe a blessing in disguise when i look now....
but that aint the point.
Like the CPN, she moved to the other side of the world
We talked, i started to open up and she moved,
Again we got no where,
Teachers at school, well one support teacher,
She knew, im sure she did, she started to listen, then moved to another school...

Now this time too, what is the point in trying, Ive talked this time,
Ive truly talked, ive confinded,
Ive told this time and ive actually worked hard and for once ive truly trusted,
100% trusted,more than i should have...
The h,v assures me she is going no where,for now, thankgod,


I know im not going to be "cured" 8 sessions from now
There ive said it,ive said something else that has been playing in my head for weekd now
so it seems another person i have sought for help more than anyone else,
she too will run before im sorted,at least this time i managed to start telling and tell what happened and by whom
i suppose i have only my self to blame,
Did i fuck up by asking question???
I was only asking, i wasnt wanting a whole explanation, just a simply yes or no,
That hurt.....a lot, an awfull lot,

Im not saying i aint trying, Ive never worked this hard at anything...
But its harder now than ever, I trust and i dont know why,
Im trying and I dont know if i can try any harder, or go any quicker
But im plagued with these images.....

I need to talk about them, or let them win...
Is it an S.O.S?? maybe it is, i dont even know that for now,
Maybe if i dont get rid of these images...
They will get rid of me,
Arghhhhhh.........

I cant describe them here,
Its too much to go into in such a public way
But can i do it any other time????
I pray to god i can.

Im not good at talking when i need too
Im not good and not talking when i need too
Ill never learn....

I feel as though im fighting a losing battle,
Am i even fighting??
He won this one long ago,
They all did,
Can i win the rematch????
Im doubting it.doubting it very much....

FUCK.....my head is drowning in all this,
my every waking moment, my every sleeping one too
though they are few and far between!!!!

I dont know anymore,i just dont know nothing
I better sort my head out and sort it out soon in the next two days
I need to talk, i need to unfurl some of these images,
Please help me,
Please help me rid my head of this...