no more weed, get the wine out

well i did it, done it succummed to it,
stopped smoking weed, took the advice that was handed to me and decided no more weed
at least to i see if it makes a difference or not
so ive resigned to the fact that ill not sleep
ill not be able to relax and i will constantly be alert and on edge
tonight ive had a bottle of wine, no doubt tomoro ill have another
as i canthandle the thought of being sober or clean, or normal and feel for real
i dont like the alert, aware, and constant feelings i have
If i have some wine at least i can chill out a wee bit
I cant stand the constant jumping and freaking at the least wee noise,
And with no hash thats how i am
Im not stoned 24/7, god i wish, but im also not "clean" if that is the right way to describe it
The problem with wine is the headache in the morning, never a good thing in this house,
Plus you can have a fly puff through the day,
can i have a fly drink, id thnk not
Im so screwed up just now, i just dont know why im stupid enough to keep going
My daughter the eldest is being so cheeky to me, im doing her more harm than good by being here as she is learning that crying and tantrums is getting her what she wants as im just giving in, she has started hitting me, shouting at me and crying all the time I could have hit her today thoughwas scared i wouldnt stop
She needs some discipline, she needs a real mum,
I dont know what that has, how can i
What sh edoesnt need is me
What everyone doesnt need is me
My hubbies life would be easier, the psych job would be less stressfull. the hv job would be a dream without me, the air would be breathed less, hubbies wages would be feeding and clothing one less,
So what am i doing sitting typing,
stupid stupid wimpy girl thats all i am
was listening to robbie tonight
he says:


Come on hold my hand,
I wanna contact the living.
Not sure I understand,
This role I’ve been given.

I sit and talk to god
And he just laughs at my plans,
My head speaks a language, I don’t understand.

(chorus)
I just wanna feel real love,
Feel the home that I live in.
’cause I got too much life,
Running through my veins, going to waste.

I don’t wanna die,
But I ain’t keen on living either.
Before I fall in love,
I’m preparing to leave her.
I scare myself to death,
That’s why I keep on running.
Before I’ve arrived, I can see myself coming.

(chorus)
I just wanna feel real love,
Feel the home that I live in.
’cause I got too much life,
Running through my veins, going to waste.

And I need to feel, real love
And a life ever after.
I cannot get enough.

(instrumental)

(chorus)
I just wanna feel real love,
Feel the home that I live in,
I got too much love,
Running through my veins, going to waste.

I just wanna feel real love,
In a life ever after
There’s a hole in my soul,
You can see it in my face, it’s a real big place.

(instrumental)

Come and hold my hand,
I wanna contact the living,
Not sure I understand,
This role I’ve been given

Not sure I understand.
Not sure I understand.
Not sure I understand.
Not sure I understand.

How true is this, how very true, i am afraid of living..and i certainly dont understand, i ca never understand, i was bad, yep, i was a wee shit, yep, im dirty, yep, gullable, yep, but does that mean i deserved, im just not sure i understand.....

wide awake club

Im up again,
I started to sleep then i started to dream
I was about to scream
Or had let out a scream
when i jumped got a fright and here we go
Im up again, it wouldnt be as bad if the kids wouldnt be up for the day
In 3 or maybe 4 hours(if im lucky)
Im typing on here as that way im not thinking of other things
Everywhere i look and everything i look at just now
Is remainding me of death and dying,
It is weird, even the tv tonight,there were suicides,
Its the whole pink elephant debate again
The more im trying not to think about it,
The more I am
Ive got my chance again tonight, the world is asleep
But i couldnt be that brave, or am i being brave not too??
I couldnt be that stupid maybe? or is it stupid sitting here not
Im so confused just now,
I need some t.l.c and some room to let it go,
I think i want to cry for a day or two,
Or scream if i cant die,
Only another day and the weekend will be over for five more
Though its not just the weekend just now, as its the holidays
Know where i should be, what i should be doing,
I hate the summer holidays, I hate all holidays,
My expectation of holidays are not good,
My expectations of everything are not good,
I hope others expectations of me are nothing too
then no one will ever be dissapointed,
Except me, and thats allowed aint it
Thats the norm....

something i need to ask you......

You know who you are,
and i hope to god you read this soon J
as there are things i need to ask and maybe if i do it here
ill do it for once,
though i never wanted to it owuld be easier
You told me you didnt think i was losing the plot
Thankyou, are you being honest?
You tell me that im not bad, are you being honest?
Can i believe this,
You say you get angry for me, and im not dirty,etc...
(see i do listen, i might just not look like i am...)
if we were in the other life, u know what i mean,
would you cuddle me if i was scared or verysad,
or could you not then as it would repulse you through my
dirtness, uncleaness, unpureness,
Dot worry as im pretty sure im uncuddable anyway, just ask my mum
or better still my m.i.l. she seems to hate me too now!!!!
I will write the rest down as i said i would
and will you read it, and help me through it,
Help me move on
Help me get rid,
Ive asked him to talk to you and i pray you still belive me
Do you?
You told me to tell him to talk to you,
Didnt you?
Or have you lost the plot too....hahaha
I hope this makes as much sense to you J as it does to me as i type
Im just doing what i do best the most usefull word at describing me
Im procrastinating,that word was invented for me, i think
its bed time, i feel sick, i cant think fo going there
Im going to take the invisible cover with me and read...yes im a big kid really
harry p eat your heart out,
my daughter wants an invisible cover(ohhh dear what have we started)
thanks if you read this,if you dont im screwed as ill need to say all this, i didnt think of that, dohhhhhhh

Panic, panic and more panic,........

GOD ALMIGHTY IT DOES GET WORSE
I remember thinking it couldnt possible how wrong can i be,
I went out today and got so scared to be in myself with the kids afterwords
as my hubbie had a much deserved pint that i visited as many people as i could
cheers to the h.v and my cous, for putting up with me today and making me feel welcome
So it was in feed them and they were away to bed,
I didnt have to be a mum, just a carer, phewwwwwwww
The pit of my stomache is like a washing machine
The breathing keeps getting out of synch and i feel awfull
I am one panic attack after the next,it is annoying me
Angering me, driving me insane
I was reassured today that I am not losing the plot,
So i can breath a bit easier, I feel like and thought i was
having a nervous breakdown, or was losing my mind
Or worse, and there is nothing i can do to protect me anymore
But to be told, no im not, was good, i was a bit surprised,
I was sure i would be told i was, i wondered if they just told me this
so they could catch me off gaurd, if they wanted me not to be on there thinking
then i decided that i have to trust my instinct and my instict is telling me
I can trust for over a year ive trusted why not now,
god, if someone read this, they would think i was a complete loone
they would imagine me so differently than i am
they would imagine two poor wee kids,
A stupid uneducated, thick daft women
Who is quiet senile or loopey or just mad,
Im not really,
Im not that bad, or i hope im not,
I do try to be normal, and act normal when im near anyone
These here are the arguments my head has with my head
My past has with my present and my abuser has with me
FUCK, cant believe i just said that...
im gonna stop now, try and breath some more
*note to self....buy more smelling salts,lots more*

confused.......................

Oh dear this is getting worse and worse
Who would have thought that was possible
I cant get my head round what is happening to me
But im trying to get my head round it
Im thinking of nothing more and im keeping the thought
that 9hours from now i can make a call ask for help
ask if they are any the wiser to what the hell is happening to me
I have never felt as scared and confused as i have this last day or two
I was waiting on the door going to be taking away today
I waited all day and i was so surprised it didnt happen
Have I finally truley lost the plot,
Have I really lost it
Is this what its like when you loose reality
I really am scared and i dont like this one bit
Im thinking i cant do it anymore
But im also thinking how many times have i felt this way
And ive got there before i NEED to get there now this time too
Im so tired, ive never felt so tired in my life
I also feel so sick to the stomache, the butterlies are fluttering away
the fear is gripping me
But i need to get by this
I hopefully will get some answers tomorrow,
I just need to bite the bullet and have courage to do it
Phone early rather than mull it other another day
I cant have another day like today another night like last
But im so so scared
Im then, now, then, now, then and now,
All day going back and forth
feeling fear and confusion like i never understood,
feeling trusting, when i know i shouldnt,
Ohh god, please help me.
thats all i ask, god, if you are there its me, help me please,
At least this once, helping me, can help another 3, and help my babies
have me, forever,
pleasex.x.x.

i hate having to go anywhere now

Im going away today,
i should be happy,
getting a few nights in the hotel,
A few days with no house work
No cooking or cleaning,
But im so stressed at the thought of it,
The thought of sharing a room with my mum for this time
I cry in my sleep, I panic all the time just now,
I spend half the night in a daze, the other half in his claws
How am i going to get through this?
How can i even explain it
I cant, I cant even begin to
I need to be happy
Im going to a wedding
But im scared, there will be lots of people there
Lots of faces there,
Lots of similar looking faces
Im never going to cope,
I cant quite get my head round why i said yeah to going
Think it seemed a good idea at the time
Think it seemed an ok idea even
Thundered last night again,
What if it does that when im away
FUCK
what if???What if????
I suppose i need to go and get ready and just deal with it
I just dont know how much more pressure i can put on myself and deal with
As some day soon i might well collapse and deal with no more
as im sure there is only so much my head can cope with
and so much my body can cope with
It aint courage that keeps me coping it is stupidity for keeping going on

Do you ever wish???or is it just me

DO you ever wish you were blind?????
I do, then i wouldnt have to see what i do
Do you ever wish you were deaf
I do, then i wouldnt have to hear what i hear
Do you ever wish you couldnt feel?
I do, then i wouldnt have to feel what i feel
Do you ever wish you were thick?
I do then i could say what i had to without knowing i cant
Do you ever wish you were dying?
I do then i wouldnt be to blame.


Do you wish you could belive what people said?
I do, but i cant when he is saying different in my head....
If i was blind i wouldnt see him i wouldnt have to look for that mark
If i was deaf would he stop talking in my ear,
telling me what is said is wrong, telling me he will prove her wrong,...
Or would i still hear in my head,
I suffer so he is happy, im safe when i suffer,
My kids are safe when i suffer, my family, friends and people in the know
You are all safe when im suffering,
Ill never be safe but at least i can protect,
I wish i had been protected,
I wish someone felt i was worth protecting,
Why can no one protect me,
Cuddle me
Let me cry,
Let me live and let me die
Because they cant, because of that...
repulsion, its a horrible feeling knowing you repulse
I understand, but it doesnt make it easier to accept

How can i stop suffering, how can i risk change,
Then what will happen......

I can say no more just now as my head is spinning
Mixture of thoughts
of feelings
or fear and dread
I just wish people could read my head
Im losing the plot when it comes to speaking
I need to DO THIS
I need to say what i need to say
But not here and not in this way

Where, when why and how
I know where and i know when
I just dont know why,
Why do i need to say
How can i even,
I cant speak at the best of times

I have the senses i didnt want,
they work even more
but the sense i want
I can do no more,
He has silenced me more than you will ever know
Its infuraiting me, ive just had enough.....
Ill try once more, then if i cant say what i feel i need to
I will respect that my mouth just cant say it,
and ill move on and get on and start rebuilding
this excuse for a life,
But then am i going to stop suffering
I cant deserve that, or expect that
Is that safe?????
Do you ever wish this was all a dream
Or is it just me,a nightmare but i wake up tomorrow
and im only 3....
its over.....

holiday

well im just going on holiday,
In fact i am leaving the house in 25mins,
I probably shouldnt be sat here
but i had to, i needed to escape
Ive had two panic attacks in the last hour
Major panick attacks,
I need to leave my house for four full nights
I shouldnt feel like this,
But i am petrified
I feel sick and i know when my mum arrives to take me
it will get worse,
Im trying to take deep breaths and im concentrating on typing
but the feeling that my chest is going to gave in and the fact that my head
is spinning aint stopping
Shit i hope this whole holiday wont be like this,
Im sure it wont and when im with my hubbie again
ill feel better, ive been with him for four weeks now,thats four whole weeks he has been off work and four weeks i havent been alone, i felt so much safer then,
god he only left an hour ago, i need to get a grip, he has phoned twice for god sake
so i know they are ok,
Dont like him being away, maybe thats why i feel like this
Its been a long time since i had panic brought on so quickly,
I never knew id feel like this,
Nothing was said or done or anything that i can think of
that is so infuriating and mental.
My home is my safe place, and maybe thats it,
I should be so so happy to be going away,
I am so looking forward to it, now this panic,
When i get there, meet my family, and my friends
Ill be fine, ill have to, i aint ruining peoples holiday
I will have to be fun for five days, scarey thought
But i want to go and want to have fun
Can i allow myself that least,
Suppose i should go and do another final check, that will be five final
checks
and no doubt another on my way out,
arghhhhhhhh