DRUGS

"cause the drugs dont work they just make you worse
but i know ill see your face again...."


they may not work but temporary relief and some control is better than nothing
please get out my head, please

im going for a record

Im going for a record the longest awake state ever
Or it feels it
I felt so so drained earlier, now i feel wide awake again
Its because its nighttime,
Its because it is dark
Im scared
Im aware
Im stupid
Im not here
Im there
Im over here
Help me please
Save me please....



I am trying so hard
And today feels like it was worth it
But then tonight im getting tortured
And i jut feel like shit
Im trying to get something back
But i cant, ive tried
Ive had enough, Im wacked!!!
Please help me, I trust you to do so
I dont deserve the time thats invested
I dont deserve to be heard and be listened
But i NEED it, i need me now,
Im trying to be angry
But i cant
How can I,
Its not allowed
Im believeing what you tell me
As much as i can, as much as im allowed
But thats not much
Why cant you hear him, why cant you listen
He said because you dont believe us
But if you dont I have nothing.

omg i aint even been to sleep

I didnt realise how late/early it was till my kids woke up
God only knows how i passed the night
I was on the net and going from one page to the next
Have toothache, though it isnt as bad as it was
But its a great excuse for not going to bed
Will i ever get back to sleeping like a
NORMAL PERSON
again, ever again, doubt it
Ive been scared to write on here for last few days
Scared what id say, what i wouldnt
so i avoided it at all costs,
though now i suppose i feel i need to
I need to re-ground myself and prepare for another bloody day
This is so awfull
Only 12-13hours til the kids are back in bed
So only that amount of time to function
Ive taken a panic attack already and they have only been awake for half an hour
They are not misbehaving,
Just my head that is, god im all over the place
Breath.....for god sake breath you stupid cow,
Im so trying, though i wonder if it is worth the effort sometime
A long long day ahead with a diet of cigs n tea to keep me, me
Keep me sane, or as sane as can be
With me that is not really that sane
This is the 70th post i have made on here,
I could make a book with this soon
Give someone a laugh
I wonder if i will ever make it to post 100
Probably not,
I wonder if ill make it to 7o clock the way i feel right now
Yep, I know im a stupid cow, but im trying so very very hard,
Im really trying, it just im so trapped, so stuck and so god damn scared
ohh i really need to go to sleep,
BIG TIME, forever and a day would be good......

Now the end is near its time to face my final curtain

Only i never done it all my way
but i can do some things my way
Im scared yet calm
I cant believe how numb to the ones i love ive become
Im slowly switiching off my feelings to them
Im slowly switching off my hurt for them
Im slowly switching off the guilt i feel
for leaving them to deal
And when the buttons all go off they will be free
And so will i
Free from thought free from pain
to live a life in purgatory
x.x.x

who/what/why???? confused???

Well i feel so confused
I feel so scared
I feel so unreal
Though i suppose i am starting over
I am a blank canvas
Lets hope we get a nicer picture this time
I feel relieved to know that i have an alley
Relieved that i can trust, its safe to trust
I feel safe knowing that i can talk
Though i feel confused wondering if i belong....
Where am I now,
What am i worth
Who am I
Where am I going,
Its time to learn it all again
Do it better, let go of the pain
Thats the plan and it will be hard
But the only way ill get anywhere
Is if i trust,so i have no choice
I feel safe, I dont know why
But i need to find out,
Who am I?????

to do or not to do that is the question????

I am in a state of confusion this morning....
A state of fear
A state of anger
But thats not fair
I shouldnt feel anger
I can not feel fear
I hate having feelings
I just wish i wasnt here
TO DO....
is the easy way out,
it is better for all around
it will help the kids n him
to get on in life without this bum
to be happy without being brought down
surrounded by love and cheer
not me n my fear
TO NOT....
cause then he has won,
I cant finish what ive started
I cant be a mum
I cant ensure there safety
I cant protect and love
Or can i do that better from above??

I just cant decide whats better whats worse
Do i stay and fight or do i just give up
I have little fight left inside to give
Will that come more if i choose to live
I dont know anymore
I dont know what to do,
yet im sure people think im not being true,
They underestamate the chances of me doing it
So do i do what he says and just prove it to them all
Prove im not lying, prove i can fall
Or is he pushing me for his own sake
does he want me to do it so his memory is safe
Arghhhh I really dont know
Do i listen to people that i trust and who seem to care
And let them guide me to another place, somewhere
Or do i listen to him, to all i know
and let him take me, decide to go,
im so confused, and so scared, yet i feel very calm
i truley dont know what to do,
i dont want to hurt, i dont want to upset,
im scared to hurt and im scared to let people down
But at the same time, im scared not to do as he tells me so
Im scared to live, as if i dont, who will he get,
If he is only alive in my head!!!then surely its better if im dead
then he will not survive anymore and can hurt no one.....
help me please before i lose the plot,help me make this decision
why does it have to be mine???
can no one make it for me, then it wont be my fault.....

it seemed like a good idea

Today was the hardest in a long long time
Yet when i made the decision it seemed so right
I thought id help others to understand
Yet it couldnt as it just made me feel bad
How can i tell the plans that i had to so
when i knew i was letting down the person whos helped me most
How could i possibel hope to ask for help
when i was so so scared to hurt her self
How stupid of me to think it would be ok
How daft of me to think it was safe
I left on my own to think too long
So what did they talk of, what did they say
Why did she not walk me on my way
the psych and I always leave together
but not today, did they speak forever
Its made me feel worse and worried and scared
I really shouldnt trust anyone but him,
I should listen when he warns and tells me the truth
As at the end of the day he is the one with the proof

Its ironic what i wanted and got,
as i left without it, without giving my word
Without a promise or mention
so I am free to go forth
Though he says that he planned all this so........
He wanted them together, to show they didnt care
And my life on here is over, not fair,
Though karma, deserved, whatever, who knows
He made his decision and they proved, so here goes!!!!!!!!!

t.g.i.w

Thank God Its Wednesday
I never thought i was gonna get to today
I said i would
I was told i had to
But i didnt think I would
But i have
My finger tips are slipping
And im holding on
Though for how much longer
I dont know
For how much more
I dont know
I should be gratefull i got to here
If i can do that
I can get to next week
And the next surely
Though i am holding on and only just
maybe its time i was honest about just how bad it is
I need to if ive to get help to hold on
If i really want to hold on
If not then why am i trying so bloody hard
It is harder to stay than to let go
People say its the easy option,
How true is that,....
As this is definetly hard.
Too hard sometimes

a long way to happy

ive got a bad bad feeling

this is torture

Im shattered its after 3am and im still awake,
Down the stair and just doing nothing
But then i feel so crap that ill do anything not to have to go to bed
Ive had enough,
Enough of not sleeping,
Enough of having no energy
Enough of wanting to say things when i cant
Enough of fearing the future,
The past and the here and now

Im sick of all the images in my head,
They are just toying with me
It feels like so so long since i last had an appointment
Yet it has not been,
Its only a week and a bit

I suppose i feel lost, confused, scared
the lot,
I feel rubbish, so tired yet so awake,or aware
Ive been very jumpy this last week,
The least little noise, vision
And im off on one,
I think im so on edge that im just super alert
Super jumpy and it is scarey

My head is spinning,
Unfortunatley it wont spin off
My eyes want to shut,
My body is screaming for sleep
But my head is screaming to be left alone

Is it time to work on me now?
Forget the past, what has happened,
Can a build a future for me,
Am i capable of something so difficult

my mind is shouting for tranquility
Yet inside it is screaming to not
trying to get out,
Trying to function,
Though im not

My body wants to leave
my head wants to go with it
my heart wants to try some more
but i just dont know that it can take it

i suppose there will come a time
that the decision will be mine
is that time now, or is it soon
will it ever be mine, or is it for him

What do you listen to
your head, your body, or your heart
i was always told never let my heart rule my head
is that the answer
or should i listen to my heart
over my head, i own my heart
do i own my head??

sick

Instead of making me better your making me sick
Im lying here all alone where you left me
I think ive took too much
Im crying her all alone
What have you done!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

.................
must have been a bad trip
All of the other pills they were different
Maybe i cant help myself!!!!

I cant stay on your life support
theres a shortage in the switch
I cant stay on the morphine its making me itch

...................
I tried to call the nurse again
But shes being a little bitch
I think ILL GET OUT HERE...................

cause i can RUN..................

As fast as i can
..............................

SILENCED

WHAT I WANT TO SAY I CANT
WHAT I CANT SAY I WANT TOO
WHAT I NEED TO SAY I CANT
WHAT I CANT SAY I NEED TOO
CAN YOU HEAR ME WHEN I SAY NOTHING
CAN NOTHING HEAR WHAT I SAY
WILL IT KILL ME TO SAY IT
WILL NOT SAYING IT KILL ME
WILL THE CONSEQUENCES BE WORSE
OR WILL THEY SAVE ME

WHY WAS I SILENCED
WAS IT FOR MY OWN GOOD
WILL THE SILENCE KILL ME
LIKE TALKING SHOULD??

still she is awake...........

I havent even went to bed tonight,
I couldnt bear the thought of it,
so i went to the supermarket, done the shopping
It was magic, i was the only shopper i saw
I didnt feel panicked or nothing for the first time in so long
My kids will be up in 2hours, so i aint going to bed now,
what is the point though im sure i will regret it
BIG TIME
especially when they start to play up
I keep having major dreams and flashbacks
and i couldnt be bothered putting myself through it
so in the last week ive had about 10hours max
that is prob an exageration it is maybe less
Not much sleep anyway
Im burning the candle big time and no doubt will collapse soon
How can i go to bed when i know whats going to happen
That would be like stickng a knife in the toaster,
You know you will get a shock so you wouldnt do it
If you know you are going to have dreams then why sleep
I say it all the time but no one said talking and trying to move on would ever be this hard
If they had who would do it,
Being silenced was easier than this,
I cant see the light yet
And maybe when i do i will be glad for this time
Maybe it is a learning curve
But i doubt it,
Do you think everyone going through therapy trying to get on
Feels this bad,
Do you think everyone who goes through what i have
feels like this, and suffers like this
I think im suffering more now than i did then
I believe i should have been made aware how bad it would be,
I wish i could tell everyone how hard a journey this is
Or maybe i make it harder, maybe others breeze through it
Ive now written 60posts on here, well this is the 60th post
that is a lot of posts, isnt it and a lot of stiff ive written
I wonder if anyof it makes any sense to anyone that is nt me
Or if it makes any sense to anyone else going through this


He tried to silence me, they have made all this so much harder to speak
I wish i had listened and left it be,
I find talking so hard, im scared im angry with myself and i get so frustrated
Its a psychic or mind reader i need, save me the grief
save me the need


I hav

!!!

my head is full of everything and nothing
whats the point of trying to explain
Im switching off to the noise in my head for the day
If only it was so easy
I want to cut so so much
Like ive never before
Im trying so hard not to
I can see this being a long long day
NOISE IS DOING MY HEAD IN
SILENCE IS WORSE

Bloody dreams, bloody jumping....bloody awake!!!!!

Its not to happen ive not to sleep i think
I had a real "fucked up" dream that i shot out of bed so quick
I was/am dizzy, though i suppose two hours kip in how many days would do that
I wanted to turn over and go back to sleep but i couldnt
As i was aware of someone/something/somewhere
And i think im having a heart attack,
Ok i dont BUT my arm is numb and tight, my chest feels like someone is crushing it
SO SO SORE, ive never felt anxiety like this, never before
MAkes me paranoid when ive been on the billy as that would make my heart rush
Probably just lying funny,
Or something,
Need to check on my baby and make sure she is ok and then ill have a cuppa tea i think
And resign myself to 2hours kip, suppose it was better than nothing,
Though that means we are on saturday now,
So ive had two hours since wednesday morning, Thats impressive even for me
Ive rarely eaten either, blame the billy again
Though never a bad thing, wish i never had to eat,
But i feel numb when i eat, it takes away the pain in the pit of my stomache
It helps me to black out, go away and get numb
If the pain or feelings are overwhelming,
Its always worked, though im trying not to dissaciate
Im trying to stay here, fight these people, so ill not eat
Let me feel the pain, let me feel what is needed
what i should

IM EATING A HUGE ASS SLICE OF HUMBLE PIE

Yep it is official,
I lost it last night
though i can understand why
there was the phonecall about me....
the planned letter to the g.p.....
then another phonecall to my husband.......
can you expect me to think differently
can you expect me not to assume the worst,
Constant noise in my head telling me what to believe,
How stupid id been to trust
No one believed me, i was getting taken away
I was to be punished, it was all getting planned
NOW I EAT HUMBLE PIE
as i have spoken to the hv and she has assured me
how wrong i am
And everything tells me not to believe, not to trust
BUT I NEED TO
ive no reason not to, and ive been shown reason since ive known her to trust
Today it was put straight and i can breath a bit better,
Im exhaustd now on 43hours of no sleep and more than that of food,
just how i feel, dont eat and dont sleep and get my head sorted
Though im so so tired and a bit dizzy and feel sick
The flashbacks are back with avengance but hey that was a good 16hours without
It was like a holiday, just one of them holidays that are a disaster,
You know the ones you just wish you had never went on, the flashback holiday was one of them
It was free from flashbacks as there was so much bad stuff happening
Tonight ive been debating that actor chris whatever he is called
The guy who today was found guilty of downloading child abuse/porn
He claimed that he done it to help him deal with his on past...
I think and suspect that there will somewhere be photos or footage of me doing things i done, photos of me having sex with people i shouldnt have
Would i want to see it again , NO WAY, though it would prove i wasnt lying,i could show them to people that would not believe without proof, and that would be proof, would i ever seek this prove NOWAY
Would i want to search the net to feel somewhat "like an equal" hardly, and see the suffering of others, So i cant quite get my head round it, i dont think anyone could be so damn stupid and i think it was an excuse, an excuse for his sick ways and disgusting habits, BUT it adds to the fear, he adds to the belief that people have, abused will be abusers, no abused would want people thinking that surely, I know the thought of people assuming im going to hurt my kids, hurts me and terrifies me more than EVER, i wouldnt couldnt and just dont get why anyone could,
My kids hurt me as the love i feel at times is sore and scarey, i dont know how to explain it, i think of them sometimes and my heart hurts, i think of them even getting a scraped knee or someone hitting them or not playing with them at school or nursery and that annoys and hurts me, so I COULDNT HURT MY KIDS
i think everyone should know that
I remeber being told
All abusers were abused not all abused are abusers, i dont believe it 100% as im sure not every abuser has been abused, but i know 200% that not every abused is an abuser
I abuse myself, the way i feel i deserve to be abused, i allow others that same pleasure of abusing me in many ways, so maybe i am an abuser, but im an abuser of self and nothing NOTHING more,
rant over, deep breaths......
I wish people could get into my head as that all made no sense probably but as im typing it makes sense in there,
I have eaten my humble pie anyway and i realise i shouldnt fear trust as much as i do, today this same h.v who i slaughtered into the ground, or betrayed by rant in my post two posts ago, showed me she did care, does care and for the first time in my life i felt that maybe someone somewhere did value me or care for me and though its scarey i also feel very lucky,

to edit or not to edit??

My husband has got up this morning and reassured me that
nothing was said about me,
he took ages to tell me when i came in that the hv had phoned
as though he had to work up to it,
I was and am scared that they were all working against me
Ive asked casually about it this morning and he assured me
nothing was said bout me,
so i thought SHIT edit the post delete the post dont let it be read
But then that defeats the point of my blog doesnt it,
I can be honest here and untill 5 mins ago
I was CONVINCED that they were all truly working against me
I was more hurt than ever and i mean EVER as i finally learnt to trust again
And the most important thing in the world, there word had been given and abused,
Or so i thought, so im sorry for being a psycho.....
For losing the plot and for assuming the worst,
But thats usually the way isnt it,
Thats what normally happens, and i suppose the psych and hv are different
I should have trusted my insticts though he was telling me so different
"told you so" was said more than once,
So sorry for being a cow, but i suppose the hurt i felt and a wee bit still feel
Just proves the trust I have,
But i havent changed my mind on the work front he needs to go back and i need him to go back and the kids need him to go back

On a plus side, NO FLASHBACKS last night, was too busy being tortured by "I told you so" "Why didnt you listen" "Told you not to believe people" etc... etc...
I was also thinking about therapy and the "thing" i leave to last
i think there are two reasons for this, two main reasons,
Firstly the fear that if i open up at the start we spend the hour(or two...sorry) talking about that and i ger lost in it and say too much, which would not be a good thing, I gave my word to the hv that i would always "indicate it" which is one thing obviously plans etc..., reasons, and decisions i didnt say i would say, I hope that makes sense,
And secondly probably because im scared to go, to be left to deal with it for another two weeks, procrastinating the departure so to speak
as its safe there aint it, you aint scared, i am. so thats why that what makes it come out then and not in the beginning,
Next time it will be in the beginning.. that can be my agenda and plan, in the beginning then we can get it done
if nothing changes in the next two weeks,
if nothing else needs discussed,

what are you all playing at?????????????

Im told to trust
Nothing will be done behind my back....
yeah right
Im so angry and scared, worried and confused
WHY WHY WHY
did you phone my husband when i was with you
Why did the h.v phone my husband when she knew i was with the psych
so what does that achieve
I dont know what was said!!!!!!!!
Will i ever, i can only imagine
He needed to go back to work, I needed him to go back to work
Not for him for me too
He needed the normality returned i needed the normality returned
Lesson learnt say nothing, do nothing and trust no oneThe line was crossed today more than ever before,
the huge line and i feel exposed, emotionall, drained, confused,
and everything all over again,
WHY WHY WHY did this happen,
I was always told id be made aware was i fuck!!!!!!!!
im so so angry but no more will i trust no more will i listen and no more will
i ever talk
And the truth he is laughing, laughing, laughing and you might not hear it, you might not want to,
But i do, i knew what his capability was.....
I warned everyone, told everyone and now, they have done what they said they wouldnt
ther is One word in my head, heart and sole just now,to sum it up, one little word well two really and it is DONT TRUST
my journey with those i trusted has ended NOW
I might have jumped to the wrong conclusion, though it would seem not

why did i trust and listen, im so so sad to think that one phonecall behind my back, the dr would let him go back to work we all know this, so what was said, my poor man needs to get back to his work, will it be so usefull when he loses his job, then where will we be,
I was looking forward to seeing my friends again, making a go of it with just me n the kids again, getting some pressure to get on, not having thinking time, and you have both taken that away from me,
Is that what you talked about on the phone, planningwhat way to next assualt, i may be so so wrong here, though that is how it feels, that is what it is saying to me, and to be honest im more shocked and OHHHHHHHHHHH why was i soooooo stupid, yeah mock me and laugh all you want as always you get the last laugh,always always,

I truley cant believe that the phone call of which i know litte about happened,as it is obvious more was discussed that was said to me, though did i not say i was on the ball and you were all changing the scent, why deny that,
Am i just a game, to be played and toiled with????
Is it fun???
I truly truly trusted, i often wished, and i mean often that one of you were my mother, i even hoped one day in my distress you would one of you two feel it in you to care and cuddle me,to cross the line, just to comfort me to show me i was capable and deservant of a cuddle,
HAHAHAHA
HOW STUPID OF ME
but why do it, why not speak to me, I was in the same fuckin building,
when that call was made i was rooms away, is that easier???????????
enough is enough and the line has been crossed,
I KNEW I SHOULD HAVE LISTENED< I CANT BELIEVE HOW DAFT IVE BEEN
maybe its time to cut my ties with you all OHHHHHHHH im so sad at this
and angry and if ive blew all to pot then understand why
The hv phoned my husband when she knew i wasnt in,
Am i not meant to feel paranoid at this, am i after the discussions we have had
after the lessons ive been taught in the past,
Supposed to assume it was innocent, How can i???
Im not angry as such im hurt that if something was said
Scheming was done, confidences betrayed that someone i trusted so much
could do this. When they know how hard it was for me to trust to begin with
When they know how difficult i find it to trust
When they know the importance of keeping of words
HE ALWAYS SAID THAT EVIL PEOPLE DIDNT KEEP THERE WORD
you can do what you want in the world, just always keep your word n a promise
And right now im scared and hurt and feel humilated that i maybe trusted the wrong people