...........................

dreams

Why do my dreams have to be nightmares?
Why cant a have a dream?
Why cant i look to the future?
Why can i just see where ive been?

Ive had enough of thinking
Of dreaming the worst i can
Ive had enough of sinking
Depair and depair in despair,

Im sad and lonely and scared
And i want to go to bed
But how can i possible
With all this crap in my head

God I hate the fear
The voice, that voice i hear
I hate the feeling in my stomache
The feeling he is always near

Help me god get through tonight
Tomoro maybe ill fight
I doubt it god,
But maybe you can help me tomoro
TOO

having enough,
head full of this
Need to talk
finally get rid
Maybe if i speak it
It will finally go
Maybe if i speak the memories
Oh god, i dont know

MY HEAD: Whats in it???

My head is mush........
ive tried so much to tell you whats in it
But i cant, i try
I try so so much
so this is probably the easiest way,
Ive written on here so much the last day or two
But then it is easier for me, and everyone else this way
I feel so so sick with the shit thats going on in my head,
The flashbacks are haunting me,
They are taking over every minute, every moment and it is not good,
Im trying not to let them take over, but getting no where,
Ive tried my flashcards, tried to flick my wrist,
Not tried the smelling salts as ive ran out,
But im trying everything else ,everything i know of and getting no where
I feel sick to the stomache with it all
I feel dirty and disgusted with the things i can see, feel, smell and experience,
I feel scared by the voice i hear, telling me how dirty i am,
how awfull i am
how bad i am,
yet other people tell me im caring and im nice and im good and im a good mum
yet he tells me ill never be a good person, ill never be good, ill never be clean
i get what i want, what i ask for and what i dont stop
I try to stop it but i cant, i dont know how to
Im numb with fear when he comes near me, so how can i stop it....
I love him, of course i do, but then you love family dont you, you have no choice,
I want to run away and i want to finish it all now,
I have ideas, of course i do, but then how can i do that, how can i make sure people are ok if im not here to do that,
So im confused, half the time im thinking im four,five maybe even six and i feel so scared that i want it over then the other half the time im here, in the here and now and i know how to make it over but then im a mum, and a good mum would love her kids, not let them grow up to feel the way i do now, and my kids will only grew up screwed up if i left them now, but will they grew up screwed up if i stay anyway who knows??????????
The pit of my stomache feels sick and i just want to lie in a corner and cry and cry and cry, does that make me such a bad person???? Does that make me selfish or sarcastic or lazy or a bitch????
I want to scream and tell people how much im hurting, how scared i am, how much i fear to live like this for much longer, But i cant thats not what im like, i dont like to admit how i feel,
I wish you were my mum sometimes, but then you know that, as you wouldnt have let this happen, you wouldnt have left me and even if it had have happened then now when i feel like this you would give me a cuddle and make it all better as if you were my mum then i wouldnt repulse you, would i???not the way i do with everyone else, i try to make sure the house is clean and im clean and the kids are clean, but the dirt inside cant be washed no matter how much bleach i use, can it???
god this probably has just made you think ive lost it so much more, maybe i have i dunno,
All i know is that this is what is in my head now, right now, and i need to be free from it, even if just for a day or two,

im still here.......

Cant quite believe im still here.....
I honestly thought he would have taken me last night
Im gutted that im still here,
But i suppose i shouldnt be so stupid,
WHY WOULD HE TAKE ME
When he knows thats what i want
I know he says he only done what i wanted,
Ive asked and made sure he know that i wanted to go
And nope im still here, so does that mean he doesnt just do what i want
He does and done what he wanted?????
Surely then that would mean there was no love
If he didnt love me, then it makes it all wrong,
I cant cope with that, with wrong,i cant cope with him being bad,
Me not being bad, i cant cope with that either,
I have to be bad, i have to be in the wrong, or everything i know is wrong,
And that just is not good,
i gave him the chance last night, to prove he only does what i want
saying that i didnt really want to go, doesnt prove nothing
Only i know that, only i know wether i truley do or dont,
I KNOW i dont want him in my life anymore, in my head, talking to me,
but he is still there, so he doesnt just do what i want.....
I need someone to help me and help me soon as im slipping into the hole
the pit and ive lost the grip with my finger tips, the grip has went
So i will ask again, and again and when he allows it, then he will do as he needs
WONT HE, OR WILL HE???????????????????
I need to leave this world behind and hopefully keep a watchfull eye over all that matter from afar.
But im so so scared, if it is taken out my hand and he does it for me, makes it happen then it will be so so much easier on everyone else,
But that just aint gonna happen, is it??
Am i kidding myself thinking he has this power????
But if i am, then what does all this mean,
I cant block him out, yet i cant listen to him allways,
when he says such horrible things,
I know im not a nice girl, i know i wanted it,
he doesnt have to tell me this all the time, it doesnt change anything
so it is pointless, aint it???
or is it???
Im so confused, wish i was here alone, then i could do what was needed,
I have to think of everyone else all the time, and if i was a selfish lazy bitch like somepeople believe i would have went by now, ran or done,
i cant believe im still here, but i am, so i need to just sort it, get on with this as this is obviously what im going to be left with, isnt it

god almighty can i go on much more

You know i swear there is a force
It is out to get me and it is doing such a god job that it will win soon
I feel so so crap,
I had my hv over today, what would i do without this women I truly dont know
Sometimes i see her like a confident, a mum, a gaurdian angel,
Sometimes i see her as hell as i keep my word to her then im here aint i
Going through hell everyday, so if she cared she wouldnt want that,
God i dont know
I was ready to talk and to tell her how mad i felt, how bad i felt, how much the stories in the paper, in the magazines are freaking me out,
Ill never live if it comes out, not like this,
Ive tried to think of it as coincidence, but how can I
the place is the same the time is the same, surely that cant be coincidence
surely surely not,
Im so scared to go on thinking anymore
I wanted to talk today, god i truley did,
But the forces work against me, they always do,
I know im not meant to talk, but maybe i need to, maybe someone somewhere, sometime
I just have too,
I cant waite another week, how can I?
Will i even be here in a week?
The touching me in my sleep, the touching me when im awake
The torturing my mind, traumitizing me when im trying to take out my kids
Its not fair anymore, Im keeping him alive, thats what they tell me, without me there would be no him, so why am i staying, why am I allowing him to go on,
If i had the courage to heal, id have the courage to end it all
In that id be healing me, helping my hv and psych move on in there lives
without worrying of me,
Helping my kids have the life they deserve getting to nursery, swimming, skating, softplay, toys in the house, toys over running the house, messy play, anyplay, but they would be getting what they want and need and they would get all that without me,
I would get peace, serenity, and what else do i need and he would get destroyed
once and for all he would be over, ended and forgot about
As if im the only thing keeping him alive then WHY???
He is the only thing keeping me here in this sory state too,
So without him, would mean without me, but it would mean safety for everyone else
Im so confused, ive never felt so scared and confused for so long
They do really know, they bloody well do,
How could they, i really want more now than ever before, hv or psych to walk in here
and give me a cuddle like im not dirt im not shit but im scared im alone and im a little girl just needing a mum or someone to care, is that so so much to ask,
IS IT SO SO HARD TO ASK
i know beurocracy has gone mad in the world we live in, workers protect themseles again and again, but is that really all it is, or am i so so repulsive,
I am I know I am,
id be so better off in no where, i dont deserve heaven nor hell,. though nothing would be fine, im used to numb and nothing and i can cope with that
anyone who reads this and knows where Im at, then i truley am sorry for you
Anyone who reads this and knows where im going, then im sorry for you too, sorry i couldnt stick around and change the path
x.x.x
thanks

Fergie - Big Girls Don't Cry lyrics
Fergie - Big Girls Don't Cry lyrics

it seemed like so far away....then its gone

I cant believe today has been and gone,
today is the day that was decided on some time ago as d-day
My final appointment, the end of my journey
Yet sitting here now it feels like the beginning of the journey,
Tomoro i should have been going on a holiday, Sunday i should have been celebrating
HOW CAN I????
Holiday was cancelled, my birthday is partially cancelled,
The extended family are all out of speaking with me, and liking me
So no cards from them, my hubbie doesnt have to bother as i treated myself and told him not too
And who else will there be
I dont want a fuss as i dont want to think
Another year wasted, another year stolen, another year of UNCONDITIONAL love on my side
NO ONE ELSES
Another year of being controlled, another year of no control
Another year of fear, tears and scared little me
So why go through it, why celebrate it, Ill get the visit or two
From those that really care, those that see my pain and support me regardless
The rest aint worth it,
I still cant believe the things i was told today, just made me analyse and think tonight,
Is that why today was to be the end??? to enable them to go no bother.
I feel fearfull that the one day will go to no day soon and then, yep he was right,
NEXT TO GO
all afternoon he told me how bad i was, how much she didnt care about me, thats why she said the lies she did, How much i did want it, so why deny it, why allow lies to be printed by saying it was for him that i wanted to belive that, he knew it was me that wanted it, he told me so
I dont know head is a pile of mush but hey better than worse i suppose

scared.........alone.........sad...........

I dont know how i feel,
Im tired
But im wide awake,
There is no way ill sleep tonight now
Its so annoying and so infuriating
Im getting really scared,
Scared of what the next week will bring
Scared that when the time comes to talk more
Ill not be able too
Scared ill always feel scared
Scared to change from all i know
I feel like im making a move
Im accepting things more,
Im accepting that whats happened, happened
And me staying silent, protects lots
but it changes nothing
So thats good, thats a change at least
I cant except im not to blame
I want too, i need too and i have too
for my sake, for sanity and for a point in life
BUT I CANT
I cant erase 20+ years of thoughts, though im trying
I cant ignore what he is saying, ive tried and it just makes him say more
I cant betray and i cant risk
Ive been on a journey for ages now
Its not been an easy journey,
And its really only beginning,
There are lots ahead, but i need to face it
I NEED TO TAKE THIS JOURNEY
or the hurt, the fear, the upset, the shit ive felt so far
have been for nothing
I really want to go to sleep
But i cant
I tried NO CHEMICALS, but still the flashbacks,
I felt more sad, more scared, more panicked and more suicidal
But i tried and i will try,
Ive felt like writing things down, but i dont know what to write
I never used to think what i wrote, but now i feel i need to think
If there is a structure to the writing it serves purpose,
So ive just not written, though at least the next time i need to talk
There is a baseline to start at already
Im glad i done that as i probably would do little, or as little as allowed
And that just hurts me more, angers me more, and makes me pissed off at myself
Im waffling now, waffling rubbish,
Wish i could let my head go on holiday, it needs it,
The confusion, betrayal and fear inside me is so much that my head feels ready to burst
Hey if only,
Its weird how when you feel like you are ready, you feel you have started to talk and you feel real, REAL trust for the first time ever, it feels like forever before you can speak again,
yet when you dont want to talk and you are struggling to trust the time goes by so much quicker,
I really need this next week to go in quicker than the last
Or maybe my head will explode,