god im tired

Why is it when im so tired i can never sleep
the powers that be make sure of that
Its so infuriating, so annoying
and pisses me off soo much,

Im tired, i feel sick
im just sick and tired of always being sick and tired,
Ive had enough of having enough

Big deep breaths needed
big brave deeo breaths
and ill get through another say,
ill get through today
and i can fight again
and breath again tomorow

cry cry cry

Ive hid the day away,
ive wished the day away
i stayed in bed and slept the day away,

Why do i have to do this,
Im so so tired, i feel sick
Ive had enough of feeling shit,

I dont want to be near people,
I think they know
thay can see what ive been hiding
they will think im a ?????

I give out the vibe now
Theres no where to hide now
Ive told things and started the ball rolling
so ive to expect to get a public mauling

I know they are all disgusted
They think im dirty
But i try to be nice and try to be friendly
But why be friends with me???

The horrible, dirty, bad and naughty me
I wouldnt want to be my friend either
I wouldnt want to know me either,
so i blame no one, how can i?????

I feel pretty scared
But i need to go to bed
Ill put on the tunes
Try and block out my head,

When will i be a survivor and not one in the making???
Will it ever happen, will i ever be saved
can i handle the pain, the fear and the hurt
that might get me there?????????????????????????

i need to speak

i must have said this same sentance a hundred times
i must have said it so much in the last week or two
I NEED TO SPEAK, I WANT TO SPEAK, I NEED TO SEE IF SPEAKING WILL EMPTY MY HEAD
I CANT HELP, MAYBE THERE COMES A TIME, IS THIS WHAT HAPPENS TO EVERYONE?????
DO THEY TELL IN BITS N BOBS, DO THEY SPEAK IN PUZZLES, DO THEY WORK ON BITS,
THEN BEFORE THEY CAN WORK ON ANYMORE THEY KNOW THEY NEED TO FINALLY SAY IT AND SAY IT ALL.............
BUT THEN WHAT, i know what you told me to say nothing, or i know what would happen ive lived to long like this, or ive existed too long like this, that without it ill never know, i know what you are saying to me just now, shhhhhhhhhhhhhh
but i cant im so so sorry, g, i just cant, do what you have too do, but its time that i need to, as my head feels like its gonna explode anytime soon, i know i can hear you tell me not to, but im trying to block you out, i can see what you are meaning
but ive been like this too long,
and no more is it just for me,

im sorry i cant, i just cant, im trying but ive tried and im so so sorry for betraying you, it doesnt mean im bad, its just what i need to do:

im devastated

I cant believe im having to go off line
this pc has to go back to its owner and mine is still broke
i dont know how long ill be internetless for,
though i know ill never cope,
this IS A SAFE WAY TO COPE
I know that now, it is the safest way i know
How will i ever get rid of some of what is going on if i cant do this
How can i ever explain some of how i feel if i dont have this
Ill be left to self harm, hybernate and let it build up inside me
It may be short term or it may be for longer,
But ill never manage and ill never cope
This is the only way i know
My head is wasted as it is just now, and im scared
scared of what im going to hear next week
scared of what it is i have shared
but i need to hear it, i need to know and i need this to be more real
I need to talk, I NEED TO SAY/SPEAK AND VOCALISE
it all but ill be prepared for all that,
Ill take my music, ill take my cover to hide,
Ill take lots of deep breaths and ill try not to be too scared
Ill try to stay in the present when i talk of the past
I need to remember what age i am
Not let myself forget
people keep saying im safe now, yet ive never felt so unsafe in my life
im rememebering how scarey it really was and i need to remember that it shouldnt be now, but how can i do that
i try to explain that it isnt in the past it is so so much the hear and now
but people just dont understand that,
i always knew i was different, always knew i wasnt the same
maybe thats why no one understands me, why no one else hears
though i think they dont want to hear,
or dont want to admitt that they hear, maybe they do hear what he is saying
maybe they fear it too, but maybe they just cant accept it, or dont want to accept it
Im so scared that i will lose the plot without my internet
i was told today that millions live without it,
and i do not doubt that, but these same millions probably never had it
these same millions probably dont need it the way i do
im scared that it will be too hard,
im scared that im gonna give up,
though i have took some pills before and im still here, so that wont work next time
Im scared that ive said too much that he is just waiting
im so so stuck in a rut, waiting on him coming to get me, though he is torturing me and taking his time
though if i go and get him then he has won, ive saved him and ill never know
ohhh i dont know how ill manage or how ill cope though i do know it wont be easy
it wont be productive and no doubt it wont be safe,
i wish i didnt know, i wish i didnt have to waite, i wish i could hybernate.......

...

i cant stop crying
maybe i need to cry
maybe the time has come to cry and stop trying to control it
but then im losing control of my body
and that aint good,
i havent updated things in a wee while,
i just havent felt strong enough to say what i feel
i havent felt strong enough to let my mind walk,
to let my fingers type what i should talk
but i suppose i should do it for some realise,
and it can only help, im just scared
i feel vulnerable,
i feel change is near
i cant really decide what way to take it
but i feel total fear
im sick of people telling me how well im doing
when i know it is bullshit, if they knew they wouldnt say that
people need to look past what i show, then maybe then they will truley know


Im so so scared to love, and i admitted that at last
so it feels a weight off my shoulders, pity i cant do same with the rest,
i know the love ive felt in the past, and it was sore, and scary and i cant give that to anyone else,
why cant anyone understand this,
this was love, this was the only true love i knew,
the only real love i know, he does love me, he did love me
he constantly tells me so, and he told me then what he does today
so please dont tell me to love anyone
maybe you have to learn to truley love yourself before you love anyone else
the trying not to love hurts me more, than loving ever would,
the numbing, the things im missing out on, the things i can not do
why do i have to get better, why couldnt i have continued to numb,
id have got there like many probably do and probably have
i cant believe ive spoken to people about this, said things i dont recall
what the fuck does that say about me,
how can i watch what im saying if i dont know what im saying
thats just not safe,
there were things i wasnt warned about, times when nothing was said,
or times when nice things were said like how much he loved me,
"im not hurting you, dont be silly, your my big girl now, you know how much i love you", "you know we both love you, thats why we want you here"
"your the special girl, the biggest specialist girl in the town"
"trust me silly cookie", "Dont worry i wont let them take you away, it can be our secret and you will be safe"
that doesnt sound like someone being evil, or someone being bad, that is someone who loves me, why is that wrong, why does that have to be wrong and everything else right, why can it not just be that yep that was the way, his way, there way because they loved me and as long as i never love anyone again ill be safe and they will be safe, i dont know why people cant understand that, its just better this way, its not what i want, no way, but its the only way i know, and i expect to much,
if i went to spain and someone had a whole conversation with me in spanish, i wouldnt have a clue, if someone translated it into english id be fine as thats all i know, this is the same,
maybe i need someone to translate for me
or maybe i need to learn bit by bit and do that myself,

and still it continues

Well it is nearly 430am, not only have i not slept,
Ive not even ventured to my room
Im passed sleepy and im wide awake again
My head is full of things i need it not to be full of,
I was thinking earlier am i getting any better
flashbacks are still there,
its the same ones with a few new bits
they are getting no worse but are getting no better
the dreams, if and when i ever sleep are worse
the feeling in the pit of my stomache is so much worse
the self hatred/self loathing is as it should be so no change there
I was chatting to my hv today about anything of no importance
as thats what im good at
the want to die, the feeling of needing to die, the urge to die
is so so strong, im trying to busy myself so i dont feel or think
im trying to be numb and im dissociating as much as i can
I wanted to share that today when i was asked how i felt,
but how can I, How can I possible say that after last time,
What would that mean another letter to the gp,
Once bitten twice shy
I suppose the only time from now on any one will know the truth
about feeling like this, will be when i know ive made enough happy memories
And i succeed
Im getting there, im painting on fun for all, im creating happy memories
and hope that by the time i feel there are enough to look back on that maybe
I will want to make more, and not feel like this,
but i realised that i can write it down and i can talk around it
but untill i actually speak out loud what they done to me
what was said,
what i felt, how i hid it,
how i tried to show it
untill i vocalise all of this can i ever move on
i know ive talked about what happened
though i havent really openly discussed it,
I havent went into a session with my psych and initiated it
I havent detailed what i see, what i hear and untill i do
i can deny it, i dont own it and i am doing what is safe
I was not told if i wrote it down id die,
I was not told if i wrote it down i would be punished
I was not told if i wrote it down i would be disowned
I WAS TOLD THIS WOULD HAPPEN IF I SPOKE
so untill i speak i can never really know
Untill i test it i will always fear it
its ironic though as for the first time in 20+year i have been ready to speak
And i dont know that i will still feel this brave in 2weeks
I NEED TO TALK NOW
how fucked up is that ive had the chance a hundred time
with many chances to talk to my psych and now i want to
now i need to and now i so so have to do this and get rid of all this shit
AND I CANT
I never thought i would feel trust for her,
Never thought i would want to talk to her and
I certainly wouldnt have thought i would miss her
yet this is now turning into a major struggle
its funny how long 4weeks can feel yet a year ago
i would have lapped up a 4week break, thought nothing of it
i suppose there is just no justice