rock bottom

ive finally done it,
its official
i thought id done it before,
but little did i know i hadnt
well ive done it now
ive hit it
ive really hit rock bottom,
when i stop doing things even for a second
there is only one thing i want to do
when i close my eyes theres only one person there
when i open them, he is still there,
i try not to hear, but its there
i try not to listen but i need too
i fear not doing it

Im exhausted ive hardly slept
i want to roll up into a ball and die
i wish i could do this, i really wish i could
things that keep me going, arent keeping me going anymore
im just trying to keep busy but not working now
i thought i was getting better then all this has happened,
i knew i wasnt better, i knew i had a lot of work to do
but i never for one minute thought i would end up in this sorry state
i see too much now, i dont want to see it,
i dont want to hear it,
but he wont leave me alone,
i cant cope with the torture for much longer,
will this ever stop, without me stopping,
how much longer do i go on trying before i give up???
how long is too long,
or not long enough
i dont know anymore,

where is everyone?????????????????

when you need someone no one is near
when you shout someone no one can hear
yet when he stops you from talking
there everywhere,

do i want to find someone to stop me
or am i glad that no one can
its weird i make a promise
i keep my word

ive phoned, who else can i phone,
but no one is there, so i tried to keep my promise
havent i,
ive tried to keep my word and not do something "stupid"
yet its the least "stupid" thing to do,
one more person i can phone and then thats that,
no one can say i didnt try, no one can say i broke a promise,
no one can say i didnt keep my word,
because i have, i really bloody have,
what more can i do,
what can i do,
maybe it was always meant to be this way, and end this way,
i dont know, maybe just maybe a greater force is showing me what way it is i need to turn to next and we all know he aint a force to be reckoned with,
he aint a force to be messed with, he gets what he wants, no matter how he gets it,

this song

My daughter has this song in her playlist,
i was listening to it today,
i was crying with it today
and i feel it is so true to how i feel
it is a kelly clarkson song, because of you"

Because of you
I never stray too far from the sidewalk
Because of you
I learned to play on the safe side so I don't get hurt
Because of you
I find it hard to trust not only me, but everyone around me
Because of you
I am afraid

I lose my way
And it's not too long before you point it out
I cannot cry
Because I know that's weakness in your eyes
I'm forced to fake
A smile, a laugh everyday of my life
My heart can't possibly break
When it wasn't even whole to start with

Because of you
I never stray too far from the sidewalk
Because of you
I learned to play on the safe side so I don't get hurt
Because of you
I find it hard to trust not only me, but everyone around me
Because of you
I am afraid

I watched you die
I heard you cry every night in your sleep
I was so young
You should have known better than to lean on me
You never thought of anyone else
You just saw your pain
And now I cry in the middle of the nightFor the same damn thing

how true, i do not trust, i do not love, i do not care and all i feel is fear
and it is only because of you, your friends and family,
why me??????????????????????????????

its been a while

Its been a while since i wrote on this
why???
because when i write here, its real
I need to admit how bad things are
I truley dont know how ill make it through this,
im now plummiting to below rock bottom
though what can i do about it,

i want it all to end
I can see the long way and i can see the short cut
i just dont know which way to take
i know the short cut, is the cowards way out,
i know the long way is a road ive never travelled before,
maybe thats why i wasnt aware of how rocky it would be

I need to blame, i know i need to blame
i cant get passed this in my head, im stuck
i cant do it, how can i possible do it,
i need to talk to someone NOW, is that not always the way
I saw my hv yesterday and told her i was fine, and hashed round the houses,
as i do so so well

How can i do anything else,
can i really tell her i want to run away
i hate living this shitey existence every day
i fear for what is ahead, more so i fear what is behind
I was at the hospital last week, for a small procedure
And i have been so freaked out since then,
ive been a child more than an adult,
I fear everything, im jumping at the least wee thing,
I read an article last week, and the major jumpiness was noted in the article
which made me feel better but it didnt stop the jumping,

Im so highly strung, ive self harmed for the first time in so so long
i feel such a failure for doing it,
but i had to i was so so angry, with me, with that wee girl i am
that wee girl i once was, that gullable little tart that has made me so,
so i cut her, and let her bleed and felt her pain, and let her feel the pain,
the pain that i feel everyday, the sore that i feel everyday, though now i could
see it, it was there,
the shame i feel, the shame that i am, then i could see this too,
as there is nothing more shamefull than a cut leg, to make you feel worse,
and thats what i deserve, is it not,

he told me, that my psych thinks im as bad as him,
she told me she doesnt,
who do i believe, i know who i want to believe,
but how can i, when i need to believe everything he tells me
DO YOU KNOW WHAT HAPPENS IF YOU DONT????????