tired, tired, tired,

God im so tired,
I cant sleep
He wont let me
Ive had sick kids
All week,
I dont need his sickness now
I cant take his torture
I cant handle the pain

I hate feeling shame
I hate feeling blame,
If i cant blame me
Who do i blame???

I read a letter today
Clever or wot
I cried a little
Though not with they thoughts
Ive never been praised as much
As i felt in one line
To think someone,
Thinks ill be fine

Its a good feeling
One i want to hold
But i cant im not aloud
And i do what im told
Im rambling rubbish
So im sorry for that

But its the only way
I can get rid of this and that
I dont want to hear
What he can say
My mp3 broke tonight,
So i need to listen to his shite,

I said today, that it helped me so much,
Got one more song, now its use is no such
They say he has no power
I say that shows it all
He wants to make sure i hear him
He wants to makes sure i know
What he is gonna do
To his stupid little hoe

Ramblings from my head

Im so so tired,
Im exhausted
Im drained
Im hurting
Im sore
The reality
The shame

I want to go
Never return
Not be a daughter
Not be a mum
Get rid of the past
Get rid of it all
Be nothing
If i cant be it all

Help me escape
No matter what it takes
Take me away
To a place that im free
He is killing me slowley
Like he said he would
With his threats, his noise
His mouth of abuse

I shouldnt bad mouth
I shouldnt listen to others
They "didnt know me" he says
They "dont know you"
"youre evil" "your dirty"
comments on cue

Im trying to ignore
But for how long, how more
Im trying to disapear
But he will get me i fear
I need to run
Anway from it all
Or get so low
That i can not fall

But i know its true
And thats whats worse
Ill get through this
No matter what

So ill do the work,
Ill take the plunge
And pray he wont get me
Ill judge it then
What i need to do
Ill play by ear and waite and see
But ive had enough of all this shit
Or being a little girl, his little bit

Im scared
Im confused
But i know its needed
For me to have a break
I need to speak,
talk his talk,
i need to repeat
hes warned me not to,
but she assures me ill be fine
so im trusting her,
and no longer will i hide,


Just need to take big deep breaths

Im in a daze

I dont know where i have been today,
Ive had 24hours or more of being afraid
Its been constant, solid, not with a break
What have i done to deserve this, fuck sake

Ive been scared so much
Ive just went away
Ive dissociated for all of the day

I feel numb now, shit now
What is the point
Of life, of living
When ive just been a toy

How could he tell me it was all about me
When know i realise that i shouldnt have believed
The reality of it all has hit me too hard
That i feel shame, ashamed, and sad

Why me, why me why did i have to be
Put with these people who wanted to use me
They told me im bad, they tell me it now
Naughty, dirty but loved, not a cow

Yet they didnt love me like they said
They werent thinking of me when they were in my bed
They were thinking of them, and what they could get
not me, not me or what they have left

Im angry at me for believing it all
for not seeing the truth for not knowing at all
I was never loved, not once by no one at all
So what was the point of me being here, to fall

Im scared and angry that now its all over
I need to believe that i was just there rover
there dog, there bitch there bit to use
There torture, there fun, there thing to abuse

Where was the love if it wasnt from him
It was no where, from no one,
Everyone was born to be loved,
Its a shame no one knew,
That i was so wrong that they just couldnt do

I must be the worst the worst the worst in the world
the terrible person i sometimes was told,
"Im doing it for you, because i love you"
"Dont tell anyone they would just be jeoulous"
Oh how fuckin stupid,
I should have listened to him, when he was drunk and angry
"I hate you, your naughty" "you deserve what you get"
"You can not tell or ill make you forget"
He has told me this all day, he has made me so scared,
Hes told me he will hurt me for doubting his love
I can not cope with the pressure he is putting on me
so im disapearing as much as i can