i almost got there

My survival pack is almost ready

Its funny, some people pack there birth bag
others pack babygrows
the one thing im concentrating on is survival,
packing things that will get me through
packing things that will keep me there
packing things that will make sure i dare
I got a parcel today that is all packed away
it made me smile and laugh
i hope it does on the day
ill know im not alone so i suppose that will help

When its all over ill have one more reason to live
One more person to love
protect and shape into an independat person
A happy person,
Maybe thats why its happening again,
to show me i can

I need to get through this for my baby, for my babies
I need to concentrate on that
I need to remember its not like then
It might feel like it
My head might go there
But please god let it get back,
Let me do this, im trying so hard,

im so sad

Again ive let myself down and kept things brewing
instead of writing,
So i find myself writing now, needs must i suppose
Time is going so fast now and im scared, I cant believe there is not long left
The fear i feel takes me back
the pain i feel takes me back
and im sad, im scared and im angry
I dont do angry very well so thats a hard thing to feel,
Im feeling it with all the wrong people and not the one i should feel it too
But im realising that, slowley but surely so thats better

Flashbacks are terrorising me day and night now, its funny how your mind works
I try to remind myself that im here and now and not there n then
but thats not easy,
ive been in my invisible blanket allday today, its been a while since i needed it for a full day,
even now im wrapped up hoping that everyone will go away and leave me,
how much security can one peace of cloth do???
But i just let myself believe im safe, im sure thats ok,
I need to think im safe, or i just cant go on
hopping that will head will turn off soon,
thats my ears will stop working,
that the screams i feel inside might come out
And maybe my day will be over,

The "stupid " thoughts are here again, thankgod its not just me anymore
I often wonder who decided they were stupid thoughts....
As to me, being free is not a stupid thought,
having no more pain is not a stupid thought,
hanging around and taking some more now thats a stupid thought,
makes you think, why is dying so wrong, yet living has to be right????

if by some freak accident i died tomoro, would people say i was stupid??
of course they wouldnt they would make sure my kids knew they were loved,
make sure my family where cared for and my kids would never blame themselves
they would grow up happy and secure as everyone arround would ensure that,
so why is it if i jumped off a roof or hung from a beam it would be a disgrace
my kids would be scarred, there life would be awfull etc etc
why do they both have to be so different, i just dont understand that,
especially when part of my reasoning would be for my kids,

Might go and cry some more, i feel all cried out yet with so much more crying to do, how strange, im crying for then, crying for now, crying for the last twenty five years of crying thats not been allowed,

An Update

Its been so long since ive written
ive tried on many occasions but just cant find the words just now
Im still trying to get to the end
The light i can see now,
music to everyones ears,
Im scared to move on as much as im scared to stay here,
I can still see him, hear him and feel him daily
but i can do other things at the same time now
im surviving enough to get through the shopping,
the school run and the "painting a smile on"
im scared to admit how bad i still feel as i know it just disapoints
Im scared to admit that i still want to die,
that i still think im to blame
that i still want to run away
that i still want to scream
There is extra reason to try and try
I am having another baby, so i need to ensure that im "together"
i want no more than to have the most together kids
to do it so differently
so it gives me some fire in my heart
Its hard when they are not here to remind me to breath
when they are not in my vision to remind me who i am now
But they are in my heart and for that i need to fight,
its hard, i so underestamated how difficult life could be as a survivor
Being a victim was hard, feeling to blame is hard,
but the work involved in trying to survive is so so hard,
i try to remember that although its bad and its hard,
it can never be as sore, scarey and bad as it was when it was happening
but lets be honest, id rather be eating jelly tots than doing this!!!!!

Please

Flashbacks, smells, images, dont tell
i see you do it,
i feel the pain
yet im told im ok now
its not the same
i laugh out loud
That its meant to be better
its harder its worse
its just not better

you hurt me daily
i smell your smell
i see your face
i hear you tell
i hate that youre with me

every day every night
why cant you leave me
why dont you go
and give me some hope
some time, no more

I hate the control that you still have
you must be happy and having a laugh
that im such a mess, such a wreck,
such a failure
but i cant get on with you saying it all
your in my head and you wont let go,
Its not fair what your doing to me,
Its been to long and i just want to be free

Free from the hurt
the pain and the shame
free to live, my life
my aims,
please,

it shouldnt be this way

Things are getting harder and harder all they steps i took
All that journey i took
The hard work, to get better
To feel better and cope better
And now i feel like im back at square one,
I cant do it without the meds,
I cant do it when its not numbed at least a wee bit numbed would be nice,
I listen to the laughter and the playing
I want to reach out and join in,
I want to be a real mummy,
But i cant, i cant bear the pain,
And im not to blame, I know its not like then,
But i cant help thinking bad things happen when im happy,

Im hanging on by the skin of my teeth just now
It really shouldnt be as bad as this,
I should feel better than this,
But its all tumbling down around me
One moment i feel strong and ready to fight
The next i feel like im in the corner, scared and with fright,
I can not win, I never can
I dont know why i fight so hard sometimes,

More tests to come,
the worse one of all
then i spose it should only get easy,
Or easier, or even less destroctive would do,
As right now its the self destruct i could do
I cant take the noise anymore,
I just want it to stop, silence anything but this,

relationships are just so confusing

Boy meets girl
You were my dream,my world
But i was blind
You cheated on me from behind
So on my own
I feel so all alone
Though I know it's true
I'm still in love with you

I need a miracle
I wanna be your girl
Give me a chance to see
That you are made for me
I need a miracle
Please let me be your girl
One day you'll see it can happen to me
I need a miracle
I wanna be your girl
Give me a chance to see
That you are made for me
I need a miracle
Please let me be your girl
One day you'll see it can happen to me
It can happen to me

Day and night
I'm always by your side
Cause I know for sure
My love is real my feelings pure
So take a try
No need to ask me why
Cause I know it's true
I'm still in love with you

I need a miracle...
I wanna be your girl
Give me a chance to see
That you are made for me
I need a miracle
Please let me be your girl
One day you'll see it can happen to me
I need a miracle
I wanna be your girl
Give me a chance to see
That you are made for me
I need a miracle
Please let me be your girl
One day you'll see it can happen to me
It can happen to me

this song just makes me cry just now,
can it happen to me,
do you love me,
can you be by my side

I still hear your voice, when you sleep next to me.
I still feel your touch in my dreams.
Forgive me my weakness, but I don't know why
Without you it's hard to survive.

'Cause everytime we touch, I get this feeling.
And everytime we kiss I swear I could fly.
Can't you feel my heart beat fast, I want this to last.
Need you by my side.
'Cause everytime we touch, I feel this static.
And everytime we kiss, I reach for the sky.
Can't you hear my heart beat so...
I can't let you go.
Want you in my life.

Your arms are my castle, your heart is my sky.
They wipe away tears that I cry.
The good and the bad times, we've been through them all.
You make me rise when I fall.

'Cause everytime we touch, I get this feeling.
And everytime we kiss I swear I could fly.
Can't you feel my heart beat fast, I want this to last.
Need you by my side.
'Cause everytime we touch, I feel this static.
And everytime we kiss, I reach for the sky.
Can't you hear my heart beat so...
I can't let you go.
Want you in my life.

though thats one is worse,
as i just dont know anymore,
how can love hurt, how can it be so confussing
how can you love me then hate me
i dont know anymore wot i need and wot i want

can you cry til your tears are dry???

I dont think i can take much more,
im thinking of leaving and seeing how it goes without me
to see how it will go if im definetly not here,
Im thinking if i can see them all coping i can know they will
i cant stop crying
im letting everyone down round about me
i feel like im failing the world even though im trying so hard not too,
i feel like im letting everyone down by being a burden and being around
i watched the world tumble down, not everyones world
but it was mine, i watched it over and over again
and i dont think i can watch it again
what do i have left now to prove to me it was real,
To prove to others too,
I have nothing, just my word
And i know that people wouldnt care for that
So thats the last, ive got no chance of proving it right

I wanted to go there, for one last look,
to win the battle that ive always took
To see how tall i am in the spaces there,
To feel less scared walking up the stairs
To smell the smells that time would have changed
To put new thoughts of it into my brain
But like everything else I failed to do
I couldnt go there, i ran out of time
And now its no more, i cant ever win the control
In my head, in my dreams, in my waking moment
The place will win everytime
As like everything else i lost the control

I want to go on but change so much
But its better to hurt one than many
So its better that i feel pain than any one else
No matter what i think its not worth the fight
As im bringing them down and making them sick
Sick of fighting and sick of me,
Sick of having a strop, a psycho, an idiot, just me
It was meant to get better but its not at all,
So i cant think what else i can do so wrong,
I feel the world stare and judge
And they wont do that if im no more,
They might just help them all some more,

God give me strength and show me the path
That i need to take for everyone else
It cant be about me
Not to start
its gotta be about the people that matter
Its the sadest thing ive ever realised
thats im screwing up my nearest and dearest,
But when mum makes you scared when she shouts and balls
And angers dad so much he explodes,
then whats the point of her being around
When mums are meant to help not hinder
A mum will do anything in the world
To make sure there child has the best
So maybe its time for this mum to rest,

dreams are nightmares, and nightmares are no dreams

Im not really doing well
Im sleeping, then im dreaming, im dreaming the worst
so i wake, when i wake there still there,
i cant be happy,
i cant get on with silly wee tasks,
Im stuck in a rut,
Ive nearly finished my talking,
there isnt much i havent disclosed
so should i feel like this
i thought it got better
yet right now its worse
i want to run away and hide
i want to just run and run where i cant be found
but there will always be them, i cant run from them
they seem to find me
i cant hide when they are a part of me
this next few weeks are going to be hard
i know that more than ive ever known anything
i cant imagine for a minute how im gonna get through it
its alright for others to say to make my own memories
to do my own thing, to make them happy
i dont know how to do that,
i dont know how to stop them taking over my every thought
i feel when im out that everyone knows and they look at me with such disgust
i cant blame them, though sometimes i wish they would understand
i didnt know what was happening, i was not aware,
so surely people cant blame me,
i wish they wouldnt
i dont want to blame me anymore, but the other choice is to scarey
so i might run,
i want to be happy, feel happy, not fear, not dirt, i want to do something with my life
i dont want them to end it, but its so close now, and events in the next seven days will make or break me, they will be the final nail in the coffin or the final string to pull me up and get me on,
im so so so scared, i felt calm now i feel fear,
i wish it didnt have to be like this, but im losing any control i did have

what a mess!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I think its time i gave up
i think theres only so many times i can ask for help
And get no where,
there has to be a reason for that
there has to be

there are people consistently there, who help
and thankgod for them
but today i went to the drs for anti-depressants
to me that shows i want to get better
the ones i were on are no longer suitable
so i stopped
im dizzy, sick, low, tearfull, angry and yep
suicidal
so i thought id go to the drs and sort it out
what did i get NOTHING
no anti depressants, ive to go to my own gp
who i cant get an appointment with
then they phone and say ive to ask the m.h.t
for an appointment for anti-depressants

In this country where junkies get methadone,
FREE OF CHARGE
Alcoholics get more money for alcohol
FROM THE GOVERNMENT
And i am denied an anti depressant
A tablet that will help me live
without which i can not live and will not live
Ive told my family to sue the nhs when i commit suicide
as ive asked for help

to say im disgusted would be a true description
though to say im hurt would be a truer one
I feel like the powers that be are telling me
im not worth an anti-depressant
they couldnt care if i commited suicide
they have given up on me
so why should i keep going,
im trying so so hard and fighting each day to live
yet im left fighting all the harder as i cant even get a happy pill
now more than ever ive to try and not self medicate
how can i not self medicate when they wont even medicate me
Its just an absouloute mess and one that will come to an end one way or another
maybe its a test, maybe they want to see wot i will do,
or maybe they truley dont care and thats one less script to write
one less script to fund, one less number to accomadate,
whatever it is they just didnt need to do it to me just now
im not strong enough for this just now,
im not strong enough for any of it,
how can i possible fight, when i have no fuel left to fight with
when im sick,sore and hurting,
why is this all happening now, what is the reason for it now
why should i even try to fight, when no one else is fighting for me,

trapped

god i feel so so trapped
like ive never felt so trapped
im here for the taking now
i feel scared to go out
the panic is getting worse
i feel fear to sleep
the dreaming
i am his whore
i cant help it
ive proved to the world now
i cant believe what a mess it is now
i want to be happy
but thats a way way off
its a long long long way
ive just got such a bad feeling about everything
im trapped just a little more
i struggle as it is
i struggle daily
i feel guilty
i feel cheap
i feel dirty
i feel so so scared
this is just such a mess
its going to be such a long way to happy
i just never got how long til this last week
things are sent to test me
but me and tests have just had it this week
or is it a way of keeping me safe
i dont know

why

its funny when you realise how much someone means to you
its funny, but not funny haha
ive cried and puked all the way home,
ive never been as much a state as i am now
i havent even went for my cuppa,
im crying hysterical in my room
like ive never cried
im a mess
he knows it
you know it
ive never been as hurt as i am now
because ive never hurt
the worst feeling in the world is hurting people
letting them down
and thats wot i done
its not your fault that she is leaving
its not your fault that my mum hates me
its not your fault that your not my mum
but im so so sorry
i never meant to hurt,
i said wot i did last week through fear
please dont hate me
ive left today feeling that
you either dont believe
or think they were right and i deserved it all
or you dont like me
and out of all of them the last is probably the worst
i know i shouldnt care wot you think
but two years, my daughter was 2, and we met when i was pregnant
you are really the only one who truley cared and today i showed you why you shouldnt
i showed you i wasnt nice
not to hurt you
just so you can hate me like A does
im crying and its hurting more than it ever should,
im so so sorry
please dont hate me, please dont,
im so so sorry, you scared me today and i realised that you were human like me
you wont like me unconditionaly and i need to get to grips with that
i had my self all worked up for an attack today, is that not how it happens???
please dont hate me, please

just a note for you from me

J, just a not for you from me

Its all a mess
and its all so scarey
but at least im here im fighting though wary
i wont let you down, i wont give up
i wont make you regret, i wont make you hurt
i am your rising star and ill keep on rising
til ive got to the end then i start my shining,
we will get there J you and me,
we can do this, we need to do this,
I will make you proud I promise,x,

Im brave but im chicken sh""t

I cant stop the panic
it feels like my chest is going to cave in
im counting my breathing
in and out and thinking about each breath
things have become clearer of wot went on
i dont know that i was even meant to be there
god was i even meant to know
I dont think i was meant to see,
Or meant to be aware,
So how is that wrong
So why did i even think like that
Did i hope it had been more,
Of course i didnt
Did i really think that others were involved
I dont think i did,
I always knew it was confused and muddled
And my head was playing tricks
So why did i not just waite til
I knew for sure
Or would i never have known for sure
If i hadnt spoke
Why could i betray like that
Ive thought of nothing more,
And its so much clearer now that im letting me think
Ive been physically sick with the realisation in my head
That I shouldnt have been, or seen or saw
I shouldnt have hid behind that door,
I shouldnt have feared him for his looks,
I should have known that he was all good
How can your head not let it be clear
Til you think the worse when there was nothing to fear,

The panic im having
is so so bad
the feeling in my heart
Is so so sad
The loss that im feeling
For twenty eight year
Is worse than the hate,
the hurt and the fear
Its gonna be the longest
two weeks that ive ever been through
But ill just have to cope
to get on and get through
I can sort some out on monday so that good
But then im stuck much longer after

Im tired but im restless

I cant get the shit that im in out my head
Ive been angry for days now
Angry with lots of people
For lots of things
Im taking control and some might not like it
But i cant go on feeling i have no rights
I do have rights as does every human
My inability to say what i want to say
leaves me being accused
I was accused of manipulating today
I WAS NOT
I was angry, i didnt want an answer or a lecture
I didnt want my failings pointed out
I wanted support
Roll on next month as at the rate things are going
The things promised will be taking away
I dont understand the huge concern
I dont know why people need to talk about me
I am capable of when needed asking for what i need
I have one of the brightest kids in the nursery
A happy kid, she has her moments, dont they all
I have a loving child, one who knows right and wrong
One who can tell anything without fear
And more importantly one that has respect and love for herself
And others
I have a child that will offer to help people without prompting
Who will say please and thankyou without prompting,
Who is tidy, who is clean, who is read to everynight
Who is cuddled when it is needed
Who is told off when is needed
I have a child that knows mummy can be angry and dislike something they have done
But who loves them regardless,
And she is only 5, so why can people think im not doing 100%
I was thinking it all along, thinking that without me they would go further
But they wont they are what they are because of me
I was given a blank canvas and produced a masterpiece
So how can people doubt anything where children are concerned,
Im so so so angry that my inability to allow me to show that ive done well
My inability to allow people to praise,
More importantly my fear of letting people see my love for my children
Which is so strong it physically hurts me
Yet because i feel that i cant show people that,
Or that this may be wrongly judged then im leaving myself open to too much
I cant seem to get my head clear today, yet yesterday it was as clear as day
today its all foggy and hurting
I am so much more equiped now than i was last year
So why now,
Maybe im all so wrong, maybe i should stop listening to what i think is being said
But then can i be this wrong
This will be a long weekend, the longest in so long,
Then next week when i should be celebrating, I wont i will be paranoid
Wandering what they are deciding, who is going to come to the door,
Scared that things ive said go further,
that any trust i had will be blown away
Why when i take a step forward is there always someone ready to push me back
Or am i so used to that, that i make it happen,
Is it just the pressure that this month brings
Are people wanting me to hate them as that makes it easier,
I suppose i should stop assuming and see what monday brings,
But that is so so so much easier to say than do
I just dont understand what i do so wrong,
Yet obviously they all do,
Im sad that my parenting skills where even criticised today
As i know im a good mum, regardless of what i say
My eldest wouldnt be as confident as clever as happy as she is
If it wasnt for me and her dad ensuring this,
I need to put it out forget it tonight
And enjoy the weekend and just forget the nights
It just all seems to be such a mess
Why oh why do i need to say so much
I only say what i can to the ones that i can
As i need support and believed
Not criticised and confused
Why do they all have to go and talk
Behind my back, behind the block
Come here, go there but not leaving me out
Then i fear whats said and what secrets come out
I suppose its another 72hours i think
Till i can even ask or discuss the reason
to phone to talk to discuss my being,
But i need to air what is in my head
I could be so wrong
I could have so mis read
But i cant see it like that,
I know emotian and today i was faced with many of them
Pissed off, angry annoyed them all
And that scares me from someone i trust more than all
If it was someone who didnt know or know me
Then i would cope with that and support wee me
But how can i support her, when her feelings feel wrong
When i want to grieve and i want to work on
Then along comes something else to make it not on
I know that things are never easy
But jesus this is more than hard
Its awfull, its tiring, its exhausting and scarey
But i need to fight til the end til im so happy,
Welcome to my new life
I was told the other day
And i couldnt have put it any other way
So heres hoping its not altered before i can start
And heres hoping i can grieve and accept im not a tart
Hopefully i can admit that i love my kids so much
That i will always be the best they have got
Would have and is possible
surely everone can see this,

thankyou for tearing me apart

how true how true how true

Im lost but im hopefull!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

anxiety takes over

Im stuck and cant move
its been 7hours since i sat here
and im struck and stuck with fear
Im scared that it happens before i can speak
Why cant i ever speak what i want to
I know i need to

But i know deep down it will have to be alone
But i cant i just cant do it alone
I wonder if they check it over
Can you sneak in and hide
Then you would never be dead only missing
But then it would take me
He cant do that
Ive fought for ever
two years now, to undo the hurt
two years to undo the fear
But i knew i had to go back
But i didnt want it forced
Its forced now
I didnt think it would be so soon
I thought i could juggle it for a while
I thought it would be my choice
To bury, to go, to be strong
This just aint happening

I cant get my head round anything tonight
i can see no light
there isnt even a tunnell
i now know what i need
it is so clear
it is so near
and it just aint happening

Im really scared
Im petrified and i cant do much more middle of the night crap
I want to be left alone
I know i just need to work harder
Ive done the hard bit for me,
ive trusted, i still trust, ive spoken, though not as much as i could
or as much as i should
but ive still spoken
why can i never tell it like it is,
why cant i have sessions now at 3am,4am
if only!!!!
when its real, its raw, its scarey
why cant i just ask for what i need
why does the fear of regection take over

Im not a child,
not any more,
so am i really of any use to him
it was wee me he liked
or is it scared me
or will i always be a child in his eyes
in my eyes
A grown women could voice her wants
would not fear sounding stupid
a grown women could talk without waffling
A real women could just say what she needed to say
whats the worst you can say????
the "i cant tell you if i have kids"reply
stops me probably,still makes me think twice before saying anything
but it shouldnt
maybe i need a reality check,
maybe i need to rememeber who i am

is it the fear of feeling that hurt, that stupid, that daft
again maybe it is
or is it the ultimate regection
even down to things that others would just say
others would just ask
others would just speak
why do i have to watch what i say
i know im waffling rubbish
but maybe it will clear some of the stuff out my head
maybe its so hard as i know it is unrealistic
maybe i just set myself up to fail
to hurt
to be miserable
i cant remember not feeling numb
so maybe i deserve no more
i need to stand up and shout that im not bad
but how many people will shout back
j i really need you to help me speak,
i know you do,and i know you get so pissed off with me
im sorry for that,it is not my intention
im not sure if we have an agenda for this week
i know i do, but i spose i always do,
but the closer its getting the more overpowering its getting
ive googled my night away
trying to work out when when when,
but im getting no where
im so scared that im gonna screw this up too,
its a hard time ahead the lighter nights
i know i hate the dark
but id rather it be dark with shadows
than light with every detail to be seen
why could they do that to me
i just want to feel clean
they have left me so dirty and ugly and bad
them all, even him,
they have made me mad,sad and scared
they have made me so damn aware
i hate living in a jumpy, noisy world
a loud and noisy head
i want to remember that he is dead
but they all are not, the pics are not
and worse of all they are not in my head
im waffling away here,
in the hope of the birds start singing
the kids get up and ill be back to safety
im scared to go on like this,
i want someone to come and get me
take me away from him
dont let him touch me anymore
dont let him take the pictures
dont let people watch, i dont like people watching
i dont like them touching themselves
or me or anyone else,
i dont like mens bits, things, what ever,
i cant bear to see them, yet i do,
even in my safety i was faced with that
Even in my safe place, there was still that,
with men touching themselves
and i feel sick to the stomache
why why why why why why why
i thought better
why though i dont know, as what makes any of them different
i feel sick and i cant stop them
if i count squares til i can count no more
then will it be over and will it be time to go
i dont like the place im in
its clean too clean and smells like disinfectant
i hate that smell
like a hospital
reminds me of unwell
there are too many people around to know to see
i know most of them and they all know me
but some i dont know, some you dont see
they make sure of that, but they can still see me
and others, other stupid niave people
but how do they know me
because im lucky, special, good,
or because im stupid, dirty and rude
i hate being there for them to oggle
why would they even want to watch
surely they cant get happy from pain
surely they can see that its not a big game
she is there, she thinks its fun
i dont think so, i just want my mum
but she isnt there, no where to be seen
im just left here, with these two and there team
i cant cope with the thoughts of what they done
or what i let them do
why would they pick me,
what have i done so bad
they always had to drink first
was i really so bad that they had to be drunk
before they could even be with me
sounds familiar, sounds like the way
i hate this room, i cant escape
with the walls, the ceiling i know it all
the lights the switches the marks on the wall
i cant shut it out, its here and now,
im writing it down to escape just now
but its not working,
im trapped and i have to let him torcher me more
as i cant fight against him any more
i dont want to hurt and i dont want to hate
but i cant help thinking that im not great
that im bad, that im ugly, that i need taught a lesson
that im lucky, that im special and that im a precious person
his princess, his special girl, his lovely one
her good girl, her number one, her favourite being
she only showed what she did, so i was believing
that it was nice and gentle too
but she didnt know it was gentle with you
you were always worse when others around
you always treated me bad when she was there
you made me hurt more, scared more, and full of fear
why did you not show her that you cared, or them too,
then maybe they would have left it to you
why did you have to do such real bad things
infront of others but not behind
maybe if it was always the cuddles the gentle the not so sore
then i could cope better than i am no more
i cant take the hate you had for me
the love, the hate, the disgust in your face
the look ive seen from you and another
you know who but you and no other
but that look scares me more than you
as i know what that look can do
i need to stop now as im getting scared
im not feeling brave
im not feeling well
im talking to you to drown you out,
but its not working is it
you are always louder, stronger and bigger than me

think i need to go and get some music to my ears
very very loud music, its 4am now
im running out of ideas,
only another 2hours to kill

numb numb numb

having a heavy head full of nothing
is better than a clear head but full of everything
how much more will it take to get to where i need to go
how much more of numb does it take

i sit and waite for it to kick in, so it can kick him out
tomoro i need some respite, ive had a week of me, no nothing
just me
its been the worst week in life,
in the now, not the past
its been torture and hell
and enough is enough
ive tried but ive failed so tomoro
its back to that again
wot else can someone do in order to breath
to live, to exist
im devastated that "me" is so bad, i need somthing to disguise it
im sorry that im making such a mess of everything,
of my life, of my future of everything

one gets me through the day the other through the night
what a mess, what a disgrace, what an excuse of a person i am
im so pissed off that i should be better, i cant just forget if only
if only if only
as it runs out and im still me,

will i make it

When i started writing this blog it was to mark my road to survival
that road was always gonna be hard,
was always gonna be difficult
was always gonna be rocky,
but somehow, somewhere, something said it was a road i had to take
A road to survivial
i was a survivor in the making,
that always gives the idea that im going to make it
But now comes a time, again, again and again, you all say
that i have to decide am i "in the making" or am i "in the failing"
im thinking the latter
there comes a time when i have to say enough is enough,
Or when others have to feel enough is enough
how much time do people have to waste on me!!!!!!!!!!
I wonder if walking away is less cruel than finality,
but could i walk and never ever turn back, i dont know
Would i not always be thinking, where, when, why and what??
So then i come back surely that is worst than not being here at all
The countdown is in, should i be scared or excited???
Should i feel relief or fear
should i feel so so calm or should i feel frantic??
I know what i feel, but is that normal, or is anything i ever feel normal
People think i was abused, it was years ago, ive told people, now get over it,
if only it was so easy, people think you tell and life gets better,
you yell and the pain goes away
if only it was that easy
if only my past wasnt my everyday

wasted

Im wasted
i need to feel nothing
i need to not feel
but i just feel wasted
life is wasted
love was wasted
family yep its wasted

love is wasted
fear is more wasted
time been wasted
no more should waste
i am wasted
he has wasted me
im wasted as i cant be free
so i try for numb
to not see,
to not feel
to not know me
ive took some stuff
to make me numb
but im not,
i aint
i just feel some
hate, sad, fear and shock
at him, her and all there lot
i wish i was so wasted i wouldnt know
if only, idiot, ill always be his whoe

got me

you got me didnt you]
ypu thought i didnt care but i did
you thought i didnt feel but i do
i know that its my own fault
but ive never been that bad
why my baby
i cant believe you took my baby
im sick and drunk
i want my baby back
ive no chance aint i not
no chance at all
i love ya baby
love your smile
love your smell
your
innocence

big deep breaths

I think i need to take huge big deep breaths
to ground myself
to remember the here and now
to get free for a while
Ive been doing everything i can
working my way down the list
to try and get some reprive
Its 4am so at least it has been as dark as its going to be
Im trying to think how i feel
and its dirty, disgusting, shame, hatred, self loathe
thats just for starters,
Stupid, ugly, obese, soiled, worthless,
i could go on and on
but i cant as i might not stop
Its been so long since i had a nights unbroken sleep
its been so long since i actually felt my eyes close
It seem like an eternity
I do hear that sleep is overrated anyway and im not missing out
But id like to try it out sometime
The less im sleeping the more i feel the way i do just now
upset, uptight, scared, dirty, spoiled, disgusting, hatred
and the more i feel like this the less i sleep
so i dont think i can win,
i wonder if ill ever win

tears for fears

Im now sat crying,
the anger has left and all i feel is sad
Sad for me, sad to be alone,
sad that people dont want to be near me,
Scared to be alone,
Why does no one want to stick around
Why does no one care about me
I just want someone to look after me
Someone to tell me not to die
Someone to tell me im worth being alive
Someone who will stick around forever
Someone who can listen to my past and see a future
Im not feeling so angry anymore just very very sad
Just very upset and frustrated
My tears are for one thing
Fear that im alone, fear that they are all leaving me
Why can no one like me
Why when they know do they not want to know me
Why do they not care
Will they shed a tear when im gone,
Will they understand i wasnt wrong
I need to pull myself together
And stop the tears
My kids are hear and i dont want them to see me
Not when im in tears, not when i cant explain it
How can i say im crying as no one wants to cuddle me
Im crying cause no one loves me like a daughter
Im crying because the love i have for you no one has for me
Im crying for all ive lost, all ive wanted and all ill ever want
Im crying for the shame i feel, for the hate i feel
Im crying because im crying alone,
Even in a room full of people i am lonely
Even when surrounded my friends im alone
Im empty, im nothing and i dont like it,

uptight

Im so damn uptight and angry and want to scream and shout
but with who??? To who?? Whats the point
The people i want to be angry with i cant
im not aloud
the people who its safe to be angry with, i dont want to be angry with
The only person i know to be angry with is me
ME ME ME
I HATE THIS AND I CANT TAKE MUCH MORE

funeral wants

I wondered where to leave this
Where i knew if needed it could be
Where i knew that people who would need to know
Could be told my wishes,
I know that people who know me
When there pc will permit
Will look on here and see
So i thought it be best here,
then it cant get lost

The Lord's my Shepherd, I'll not want.
he makes me down to lie
in pastures green; he leadeth me
the quiet waters by.

My soul he doth restore again;
and me to walk doth make
within the paths of righteousness,
even for his own Name's sake.

Yea, though I walk in death's dark vale,
yet will I fear no ill;
for thou art with me; and thy rod
and staff my comfort still.

My table thou hast furnished
in presence of my foes;
my head thou dost with oil anoint,
and my cup overflows.

Goodness and mercy all my life
shall surely follow me;
and in God's house forevermore
my dwelling place shall be.


Verse St John 14
to be read the way i learnt it from a kids bible
Do not let your heart be troubled
Trust in god, trust also in me
In my fathers home are many mansions
If it where not so i would have told you
Im going to that place to prepare a home
And if i go and prepare i home i will come
back to recieve you to take you where i am
Thomas said Lord we dont know where we are going
So how can we know the way
Jesus said I am the way, the truth and the life
No man cometh to the father
Except by me
(i was 6 when i learnt this and said it over and over again)

Id like this read also
To anyone who is here today
To help the people who are sad,
to say goodbye as i go
Then i thankyou for being in my life
Im sorry that this has happened now,
Maybe you think, a waste,
But look at what ive left behind
my life was never a waste,
Two most beutiful girls that will know forever more
they were brought to the world with such love
They are the reason i lived so long
So everyone in here dont be sad
Be happy for what ive done
And make sure them two wee ones
Will never forget there mum
thanks,x,x,x

songs lyrics and life

And everything around her is a silver pool of light
The people who surround her feel the benefit of it
It makes you calm
She holds you captivated in her palm
Oh she makes me feel like I could be a tower
A big strong tower
She got the power to be
The power to give
The power to see

these lyrics help me daily,
we all know someone like this if we are lucky
It took me to receantly to know someone like this,
but im lucky for it,

Im struggling just now, Big time
though thats is nothing new,
Its hard to get on,
when you still dont have a clue
I hate people seeing me
And knowing what ive done
And now they saw me there and then
Im surprised if theyll return
Im glad i get through an hour of pain
with no drugs, no drink, no help
I feel better that ive done it,
but i feel exposed a little too
I want to scream and cry and shout
I want everyone to do it too
But i cant im scared, im scared to death
That he will come out my head

Im tired, the sleeping is so awfull just now
The car works some of the time
but other times he takes control
like he says "nope your mine"
I wish they would all leave me be
And there demons would go away
But its with me here and now
And every other day

I want to be so honest and true
And speak without thinking
But i cant get over the shame and guilt
the embarassement the fear,
The stupidity the hate the utter disgust
At what i done all them years

I want to look at the photos again
And see them how you did
But i cant, not on my own, like this
And i cant because i fear,
I tried the "im still here", the being brave
"When ive told so there your wrong"
But it doesnt work
He doesnt care
They cant tarnish his name,
they cant do him harm,
the people who i cant tell
he knows i never will
so is he always going to have this hold over me
Is he always going to bloody win,
Im ready to fight this sometimes and i feel brave
Then i reaslise that all my worth, is to be a mans sex slave
So wots the point of fighting
Whats the point of being
Whats the point of dealing
When ill only end up leaving
Ive not cut for so so long
Ive done so well with that
Ive used the ice cubes, the cards, everything
But today is a new start
I feel i need to cut away the places he put his hands
Cut away to stop me feeling
Cut to the blood wont stop
I thought of walking in front of a bus earlier,
But it didnt seem the time
As i couldnt do it to look like an accident
When i was pushing a pram beside
Ill need to waite til im alone
Maybe waite a while
But i cant do the school start thing
So i need to make a move on
I need to hurry up
As its only 24 weeks from now
So the preparations will start so soon
And thats just not for me
But the only way i can escape them
Is to make sure i cant see
I cant breath, I cant move and I am no more
Ill let down a lot of people
But ill free them up too, to get on with there life
And have some peace from constantly having me
At them to help, not getting anywhere,
Ive been told how well ive done
I was told that on wednesday
To get to where i am in life
With all i had to do
But its not down to fight, or me
Its down to fear or being asked
So i just got by and never tried
So i dont deserve praise or help
The best thing i could do for all around
Would be to leave them all to be,
To live a life with peace and quiet
A life without me

the eyes are the window to the soul

So wot do mine say about me
right now they probabaly dont say much as they havent shut in so long they are struggling to say anything much,
Im so so so tired, but im just not relaxing at night
how the hell can i
i will need to try from early on tonight
and hope i get somewhere
ive been hanging on with a thread since saturday
i feel drained and sad and angry and upset and generally peeved
I feel sick and scared
And i feel agitated
But i need to get a grip enough to relax enough to sleep
no matter what it takes i just need to sleep
As the longer and more im not sleeping the shorter my temper is through the day
Ive had the odd scarey moment too, but i battled them to get to here,
Wish i drank coffee as i think i would have needed some today
I think its going to be a long one,

in the middle of the night

As cilla would say Surprise Surprise
IM up, awake and annoyed for it
i had an hour last night and i havent even ventured near there yet tonight
kids will be up in three hours max so it is seeming pointless
I know if i took some pills id soon sleep but would i wake early enough
probably not so no point in that
Im feeling very calm just now,
not nice calm a weird calm, a planning calm
the calm before the storm calm
had a really weird dream last night, hence why i was back up so soon
but i keep thinking it was real, or maybe hoping,
who knows, not me
i dont know that i know much of whats happening just now
Im not in much control
but i never have been
Ive been avoiding something too and ive realised how much ive screwed up, a bit, by ovioding doing it,
and it might come back and bite my arse as i cant avoid it anymore
i cant as i will not suffer
my daughter will
but will she
or wont she
i cant be as bad as i think others are with me, where with me
i cant live my fears through her,
i need to let her breath and make mistakes
but be here when she does
i cant look at her and see me anymore
i cant punish her for the way i want to punish me
she isnt me,
she is smarter than i ever was
By protecting her and by thinking ive done the right thing
ive done wrong by her, her whole life could go so wrong
and who shall we blame, the fucked up mum who thought she was a good mum
that would be me
I will NEVER let anyone hurt my girl the way they do me
NEVER EVER EVER as i am a mum with eyes and ears and im a mum that sees and hears
Why could my mum not have been, was she being the best by me, i know she must have
Its not like people think, she must have loved me she is still here,
I couldnt have been that insignificant in her life she gave birth to me
AND STAYED WITH ME
so why am i meant to feel that im in the wrong for this and i was insignificant
i know i deserved no better and even my mum saying other wise, wouldnt change that as no matter how hard i try the one voice id want to hear say that couldnt say that, so that says a lot
So maybe i did deserve it, but my girl doesnt
she doesnt deserve to be left behind or let down by association
And by my fears, she deserves to be at the front of any line for good and she deserves a mum with enough care to put her first before ANYTHING, but thats just not happened,
god ive fucked up and i know why, i know why im so scared, i know why ive not done what ive done BUT SHE IS NOT ME, so nothing I DO NOW will change the past will change anything bar the here and now,
I will get onto sorting it out tomoro ive to see my hv,
before she goes and leaves me, will add her to the long list,
I know its a wee while, well about 8 weeks or so, maybe less, but its still like tomoro,
If 24year ago feels like today then a few weeks will feel like now
AND IT SO SO DOES, i dont know why i let myself care when i know they go, everyone goes
but then thats what happens, isnt it,
I will explain the fook ups ive done with my girl see if she can help, she will just say ive been stoopid,
My girl is safe it is not that, GOD please dont think that,i may have partook in abuse in the past but i wouldnt in the future or the hear and now
I may have took part as i felt i had no choice, but i was only 4 i didnt really know it was so wrong and dirty,
I make the decisions where my kids are concerned and the only one i can make and stick to is to protect them and ensure they are safe 24/7, which im doing now as im awake so we are all safe as i can hear a pin drop, so i will hear the danger,
BUT in my protecting they may have had to do without, and thats where ive screwed up,
ill not worry now, no point i cant do much at this time in the middle of the night
ill stop waffling now thats all muddled here its at least straighter in my head,

back to stoopid o clock

its all wrong again
Im back to sitting here wide awake at stoopid o clock
Doing anything not to sleep
As thats when there is danger
When im awake i can hear
So i know my kids are alright
Thats when i remember i have kids
the rest of the time im listening for any noise
A noise that tells me the world is asleep
A noise that tells me im not safe
The sound of lifts opening and closing
Of doors banging
Of keys turning
Of lights switching on and off
Of unsteady feet walking
Of my door opening
Or my door closing, thats a sound i welcome
I listen and hope i hear none of them
But one of them
And the more i listen the less i hear
Im so so tired, im always so tired
But it cant be helped,
I wont be any more safe if im awake
But i can prepare
I can count
I can spell
i can watch the sky
I can talk in my head
I can tell
If im not awake
My mind cant yell
So awake it must be
No matter what it takes
Awake is the only option for me

by the skin on my teeth

Im hanging on by the skin on my teeth
And no more today
Im trying my best to get in my car and drive
Anything is better than this
But the more pressure im putting on myself
The harder i am finding it
Its friday and i know where id be going
I know id be getting scared
Right now i feel scared and sick
I never took the wee one out to nursery today
I didnt want her out my sight,
Im going to hide in my bed
As soon as i know they are all right
Ive had the blanket out to feel invisible
Ive had the ice cubes out to feel pain
Ive had the folder out to feel safe
But nothing is working today
Arghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
I hate friday, i hate me i hate this life
Ten more minutes is all i have to hang on for
Then ill be ok,
Then i can put the music in my ears
I can hide and not be here
I can sleep and know im safe
Its not long but its felt like forever
I need to feel numb, i need to seperate myself
its the safest place to be
then i can come back when its safe to be me

what is happening to me

Im so lost and so confused and upset and sad and angry and cold and tired but wide awake
Im scared and hurt and just so so so so confused
I went to see my psych today i remember going, i remember talking, i remember not talking, i know i didnt talk about the voice and the things he tells me, I know i didnt vocalise the stuff i wrote,
But i dont remeber leaving, or walking or where i went or why i went there, I dont know what has happened to me,
I feel so numb, confused, dazed and scared,
I cant go on feeling this despair
Im not long home i went for a cuppa though it took me a while to get there,
but i dont know why
I just know i was scared to go anywhere, I just want to feel safe
why is that such a big ask,
will i only feel safe when i feel nothing
granted i wont feel safe as there will be nothing
but at least i wont feel sad or scared,
i thought i was get taken there, i know ive been so dazed as i know i was wondering why i was out myself in the dark, where i shouldnt have been,
but then im ok as im not young so i can go where i want to, so thats just stupid
I think i was thinking i was five or something,
I think im losing the plot,
I wanted to talk today, but i pretended it was all good, im so so scared that she will think ive wasted her time if im not doing great or worse still she will see me as a no hoper, no chance of ever getting there, so will just leave, retire completly as thats what happens isnt it, people get fed up helping me, i know ive made progress but i just think i need to talk and cry and scream and shout and let it out,
But i didnt i never do, i just pretend im great grand and coping so well, thats what i do when things are so bad as then people dont ask you why its bad so you dont have to talk,
But i cant go on pretending no more, i cant live with the fear i have
Im so so so scared of what is happening to me
I really think im going to die as i feel it physically
I shouldnt be able to feel the pain, feel the fear that must mean im losing the plot
And id rather lose than lose the plot
How can i go on like this,
What is happening to me,
Im gonna have to sort something out soon as i cant spend the next fortnight like the last, beating myself up for not talking not telling all , not just letting it all go, i cant spend the next two weeks in limbo just waiting to talk, then ruining the chance again,
why am i such a stupid cow, why cant i just talk,
I need to talk and need to cry need to feel safe and need to be comforted and know its ok to talk and ok to cry and ok to feel like this
I need to know im not losing the plot and i dont know how to know,
I need to know im safe, i need to stop feeling scared,
I need to know im believed and i need help to believe im not dirty, im not bad and im not evil, i need to know it wasnt my fault, i need to know im not bad, I need to know that it is so wrong, but then he tells me differently and i need to know im allowed to tell him he is wrong, im allowed to disagree
I need to know im not dirty and i can cry and someone might actually want to cuddle me because the care about me and not because i can give them something in return
I need to know i can live my life,
Im so so scared to love my kids as i cant look forward, i cant see them going to school i cant imagine i will be here to see it, i cant get a job what the point when i will let people down and not seeout anything i start
I need to know my psych is going to be here for me a wee bit longer and see me through this i feel like she is going to go soon, i just know its going to happen, i know she must hate me as im such a fookin waster, im losing it big time and im sorry i lost it today ive never felt so scared, i need to go to sleep i think, maybe i wont wake up maybe ill wake up better or maybe i wont even get to sleep,
this is all just a huge pile of mess and i cant see through it, can you?? can anyone??

frustrating as hell

Im driving myself mad
But i cant do nothing else
Ive not had sleep for so long
Its been like hell
Ive been awake now for 43 hours
thats a lot of not sleeping,
Feels like more,
Im starting to feel ill again,
Though do i deserve not too
Im thinking too much to stop
My head is rushing with thoughts
My head is trying to make sense of things
So i cant sleep
As i cant give in to it,
I have to just go on, get on and hope to god im ok

I was thinking about heaven and hell and god,
I was thinking about a book i once read called the celestine prophecy
And i was trying to work out which i believed
If there is a god as we know and think of,
then why do people suffer,
People say it makes you stronger if it doesnt break you
BULLSHIT
i dont think im stronger than i would be if i was left untouched
Or what about everything happens for a reason????
That doesnt make much sense either,so why did my life happen,
why did i happen, to ensure misery for all???

Or you survive this you go to heaven if you are good hell if you are not
What if this is hell, and you start at the bottom and work your way up
Hell does not scare me why should it it cant be much worse than this
I actually feel pain physical pain like i used to, why is this,
what is my mind doing to my body
or why is my body playing tricks

So this is hell, im put here for a reason that reason is to get through it
Then what, where do i go then, heaven , what happens there, do people actually love you or do they kid on like they do here,
i think i like nothingness better as then ill never know

what if they are all there and waiting when its my time to go
what if they are really here now, i know i hear, i see and i feel
but everyone else just thinks its unreal
its all such a mess that is tangled and sore
but i need to untangle it or take his door

!!!!!!!!!!!!

IF A CHILD LIVES WITH SHAME
SHE LEARNS TO FEEL GUILT

i came on to edit

I came on to edit what i wrote today
but ive decided to leave it
Ive never edited or reread in the past
as it would make the blog not true
I came on here today to try and express
the feelings i had the way i know best
But all i came out with where the feelings deep down
that my life was over and i couldnt turn it round
I spoke to the people who i knew could help
yet i still sat here convinced in myself
certain it was over and my only way to be free
Was to be no more breathing, be no more me

But ive changed the thought as much as i can
In that im still here, im still alive
Im still doing as i am
Im scared that tomoro wont ever come,
But i wish it would as today im not numb
Im feeling so much hurt, like never before
And i didnt know how to cope or behave or be brave
But im alive and the day is nearly over
I took the best advice i got, take it by the hour,
And that where I am at,
its been a lot of hours passed, where i have done nothing at all
I havent tidied or cleaned or done anything at all
Ive just counted the mins til another one was gone,
Knowing that not much longer and i will have survived another day
Im scared at how close it was again,
But i can see why and i know i will work it out when i can

Its been a hard week, a harder weekend
but the worst day of all
And i know everyone is waiting for me to fall
But im sick of giving everyone what they want
So maybe they will all have to waite a bit more
Because maybe for now i aint ready to hit the floor

its time to face my final curtain

God almighty it was never ever meant to be this hard
It was never meant to be as scarey as this
I was meant to feel peace
I was meant to feel tranquility
I was meant to feel at one
I was meant to feel relieved
So why am i so scared, that soon ill not breath
Why am i scared of the dark
Why am i scared of the nothing,
It cant be scarier than this
It cant be worse than this living

I spoke to one person on my list of must speaks to
Wish i hadnt as she nearly made this different,
I tried to phone and tell her not
But i couldnt let her think id lost the plot
She has done more than enough up to now
She has dont more than she should have had to
So i will leave it at that, but it means ill never say goodbye
Ill never get a cuddle or a feeling like she cared
But she is not my mum or anything so i need to get over it

The other person i cant contact
as i just dont know how to
I can phone her work but shes not there
Not today or tomoro
So how can i get in touch with her
Well i cant can i,
I know if i tried and tried a lot,
I proberbly could, but if i speak to her i will never go through
what it is i need to do,
ill never take the rest
ill never get it over with
ill not be able to betray and i dont feel like i am now
as she hasnt asked me not too,
neither of them have, so im free to do it then, or am i
god this is just a total mess
ill not think about others,
im doing the most selfish thing in the world
thats what they will all say
but it is about time i done something selfish aint it,

its that time!!!!!!!!!!!

Friday night pubs out
can mean only one thing
im sat hear waiting
to see what i hear
what will be my welcome
will it be closed door,
i pray for that every time
i love closed door,
that means safety
that means phew
that means not tonight
that means "i dont love you"
so do i want it open
do i want to hurt
do i want fear
am i just a slut
does it mean "i love you"
is that why i do what i do
But i need to remember
its not going to happen tonight
as im not there i am here
it might be that time
but its safe where i am
but its not it isnt its awfull
and ill always be his slut
what if there was never a weekend
would i live alright in the week
what if this is the last one
that i ever have to greet
now theres a thought to think of
a thought to get me through
that this could be the last one
that i sit and waite on you

ironic, a milestone, yet so sad,

I thought i was near to making 100 posts on here
i thought i was a few away
but i was wrong as this is post 100
How ironic that this is the worst day of my life
And its also a landmark post

Im so so so numb,
I feel like its over now
I keep thinking i should just go
I keep being told i should just go
I feel numb, i feel weird, i could cry

I did not think it would be as hard as today
To talk and say,what it is he says to me
But it was, it was scarey
And i feel like ive betrayed

Im now full of fear
Like i have never been
Of fear, of dread,
Of wishing i was dead

Ive said the one i hear the most
The one I found i could
But i know if it is as bad as that
How bad the rest will be,

Im wishing it was the next time now
As am numb just now, unfeeling
Im not here, im not there
Im nowhere and i cant stop it from beeing

Im trying to stay here
in the here and now,
Or even just in my sef
But i cant, i cant do it, its just to much
So im better just fleeing,

Im scared of closing my eyes tonight,
And not being very alert,
As i have a feeling in my heart
That tonight somethings going wrong

I really need a cuddle
To not feel so dirty or scared
I wished i could get one
From someone who did care
My psych told me today
"if she was my mum"
God how much do i wish that where true
If only to help me through all this
In a way thats not just profession
Though i know its more than that,
But is it pity, disgust and intrigue
At how i am bad and deserved
He says she is taking the piss out of me
Thats the hardest thing i heard,

some pics of how i feel right now,

another night of no sleep,

I dont know how much more of no sleep i can take
My house will be alive again in 5 hours
I dread it, ill be a state

Ive had such an awfull night
An awfull day
My closest aside there are only two people who get me through all this
And they know who they are
My psych and my HV
without them god knows where id be at

But today when i saw my hv
she had some news....
she is leaving in april,
I am never going to cope,
I can never cope, she has been through this with me
And she is not going to see the end
Am i going to see the end???

I was so shocked when she left i threw up
was physically sick, i thought she would always be here
I suppose i didnt really think
I get to a point, yeah this is furthest yet
Then they go, will the psych be next
He is so so winning this battle,
He lets people belive me that he knows will have to go
He lets me trust the ones that he knows will not be around
To pick me up and help me out when he batters me to the ground
I feel so helpless and so sad,
So useless and i can do nothing,

I feel like im getting left to fight alone,
Ive no one to run to no one to phone
Ive no way of coping without her help
Its seems ill be left by myself
Ill still have my psych i know that too
But with my hv she is a team
How will i cope with once a fortnight
No one to turn to, when im having these nights
No one to phone when he is taking over
No one to help me when im having enough
No one to talk too about nothing at all
God this is awfull why is it so
That whenever i trust they have to go
Im being so selfish i know that
But im saying here what i wont say outload
I would never say it and make her feel bad
as she knows that she has kept me alive
Who can i promise from now on,
No one ohhhhhhh shit
i think im truley distraught,

He has loved it though,
that same line again
About what happens when i tell
People i love and care about go away
Why have i been stupid and let myself trust
I shouldnt have started this,
I should have let it lie
And he couldnt gloat
I could just die
x,

cant think wont think

I cant think long enough not to think
Im trying to not think
Which is making me think
Im trying to get rid
Which is bringing it to the front of my mind
Im trying to run away and trying to hide,

I was thinking this blog makes no sense,
I waffle on and talk whats in my head
Assuming people know where im coming from
Where right now im at
But they dont, do they
they just think im a waffling,...tube

So where am I
Im trying to talk to a psychologist about my past
About the sex i had when i was young,
with men thats should have known better
Ive discussed the past, now we are on the now,
Im trying to learn who I am,
But im constatly told wrong, by the person from all these years ago
Im told this is a voice in my head
An introgection, i think
*yes she does listen*
As he is no longer alive in this world,
Most of them are no longer alive
Yet still daily, i hear the threats, the taunts
I see the faces and things i despise

People who know me would never know as im a mum of two
A wife and a home maker, i have a clean house, tidy house
And a smile on my face for the visitors,
But beneath that smile im a broken person
I do not live as i should
Im scared to go out, I hear them shout,
They talk to me so rude, ive been told its ptsd
My past has made me like this,
If it wasnt for his hand, his touch his kiss
Id be happy and enjoying my life and kids,

But thats what made me start all this,
Knowing there was more to life
I want to be a good mummy to them
I want to be a good wife

So im working through it with lots of help
And im stumbling on the road
Its a road paved with obstacled for me to fall
A road im scared to go on at all
But one that im starting to walk on,
One that im stumbling and fall
But its one i had to take
Or life was not worth fuck all

I just wonder if people come across this shite
That i write to keep me sane
If they wonder what its all about
If they wondered if i was insane

When im a survivor, if i ever am,
Life will be so different
But for know im just
A survivor in the making

still

im still awake,
ive sat at the computer just looking at it
Not doing anything,
just thinking
But ive been here now for 4hours,
Not so productive
Im so tired im over awake,
i hate this bit

Ive been avoiding everything possible today
Ive not really seen my children
Ive been there physically but ive not really been there
Its so unfair on them, its so unfair on me

But whats the other option?
To stay around in the room,
watch them play
What do i do, what do i say
I dont know,

im just so confused just now,
so trying to smile, be happy for the world to see
Trying to pretend, trying to forget, be "me"
Why cant i do it no more,
Is that even so hard,

Im going to crawl into a book for an hour,
If i am allowed, unless he gets involved again
disturbs and gets real load,
Ive still no mp3, and i cant get that one to work
So im stuck to listen when i dont want
As i cant turn music up load,
But i dont know how much more of it i can hear
I know im not allowed
I knew i shouldt have talked
I knew i shouldnt have spoken
I know ive done the biggest crim
And a promise i have broken

Oh god i never thought of that
Its something i would never do
You give you word to someone
Youre word you must be true
Oh no that makes it all the worse
I cant believe i never thought
I cant believe theve let me tell
Well know i know ill rot
I dont want to go away for ever
I dont want to not be a friend
I just wanted to stop the laughing
The smile, the jokes the pretence
I want someone to share with me
the mess ive got inside
I didnt do it to hurt
i done it to survive
Im sorry for betraying my word
its not something i would do
But i really was thinking of me
Not of harming you
SOrry
im going to switch this pc off now as im rattling and rattling on
and i dont like talking when im not thinking
as then i say way too much
plus i really need to rest my eyes
not sleep im not giving into that one yet,
but just to rest and listen for the steps,

Crashhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

I think im gonna crash
Ive been so uptight all day
On edge, to be expected i suppose,
But how is it, it is now after 2am
And im still wide awake,
No point going to bed now, is there
I hate this part, the being awake,
the stuff all swirling round and round in my head,
Ive read my letter again, then ive re-read
I even had a smile when i read it once
And a dry eye
Well nearly


The flashbacks have been so much better today
Its like that big part of my head
Is switched off as easy as a tiny wee switch
If only that meant i had a good day,
No it didnt there where still other things to contend with
But its a start i suppose,
But then tomoro i can do the same
The next probably again
Then by sunday it will be CRASH
as there comes a limit, and by then ill have reached mine,
So it will be back to bed,
Back to me
And back to hide,
Maybe thats all the relief im allowed
Maybe thats all the hate he can hide
If only i knew then maybe id know what to do

But i dont know, and i dont know if i ever will
Will i ever want to be "ME" in this big world
If he wont control me, and he cant say
Then who will say what happens to me today
God i think im even confusing myself more,
idiot that i am
but i suppose better to be hung for a sheep
as a lamb!!!!!!!!!!

Unhappy New Year

I cant believe New Year has been and gone
I cant quite believe we are in 2008
Im not in 2008,
Im so stuck in 1988
Or even before,
So twenty years wasted,
But what is time
time is a healer???
Is it fuck
Time is a reminder
Maybe it is,
Time is the enemy
Yes it is

Ive been tortured for days now
Ive had flashbacks for ever
Some of them are lasting for so long
Some of them are lasting too long
I could cope when they werent so long,
When they came in bits and bobs
But a full picture, a full episode
In a oner, im not coping with,
I decided to be an arse, buy some whizz
Im disgusted with myself
For not giving up, for not saying no
But i had to, i couldnt take no more
Or the images, the flashes, the pictures in my head
Ive tried to hide and run and spent all yesterday
Cuddled up in my bed,
But its not helping, they where still there
THERE TAKING OVER MY HEAD
So im gonna take some, forget for a while
And get on with my life
Get back to 2008,
Back to being, an adult, a mother and a wife