the eyes are the window to the soul

So wot do mine say about me
right now they probabaly dont say much as they havent shut in so long they are struggling to say anything much,
Im so so so tired, but im just not relaxing at night
how the hell can i
i will need to try from early on tonight
and hope i get somewhere
ive been hanging on with a thread since saturday
i feel drained and sad and angry and upset and generally peeved
I feel sick and scared
And i feel agitated
But i need to get a grip enough to relax enough to sleep
no matter what it takes i just need to sleep
As the longer and more im not sleeping the shorter my temper is through the day
Ive had the odd scarey moment too, but i battled them to get to here,
Wish i drank coffee as i think i would have needed some today
I think its going to be a long one,

in the middle of the night

As cilla would say Surprise Surprise
IM up, awake and annoyed for it
i had an hour last night and i havent even ventured near there yet tonight
kids will be up in three hours max so it is seeming pointless
I know if i took some pills id soon sleep but would i wake early enough
probably not so no point in that
Im feeling very calm just now,
not nice calm a weird calm, a planning calm
the calm before the storm calm
had a really weird dream last night, hence why i was back up so soon
but i keep thinking it was real, or maybe hoping,
who knows, not me
i dont know that i know much of whats happening just now
Im not in much control
but i never have been
Ive been avoiding something too and ive realised how much ive screwed up, a bit, by ovioding doing it,
and it might come back and bite my arse as i cant avoid it anymore
i cant as i will not suffer
my daughter will
but will she
or wont she
i cant be as bad as i think others are with me, where with me
i cant live my fears through her,
i need to let her breath and make mistakes
but be here when she does
i cant look at her and see me anymore
i cant punish her for the way i want to punish me
she isnt me,
she is smarter than i ever was
By protecting her and by thinking ive done the right thing
ive done wrong by her, her whole life could go so wrong
and who shall we blame, the fucked up mum who thought she was a good mum
that would be me
I will NEVER let anyone hurt my girl the way they do me
NEVER EVER EVER as i am a mum with eyes and ears and im a mum that sees and hears
Why could my mum not have been, was she being the best by me, i know she must have
Its not like people think, she must have loved me she is still here,
I couldnt have been that insignificant in her life she gave birth to me
AND STAYED WITH ME
so why am i meant to feel that im in the wrong for this and i was insignificant
i know i deserved no better and even my mum saying other wise, wouldnt change that as no matter how hard i try the one voice id want to hear say that couldnt say that, so that says a lot
So maybe i did deserve it, but my girl doesnt
she doesnt deserve to be left behind or let down by association
And by my fears, she deserves to be at the front of any line for good and she deserves a mum with enough care to put her first before ANYTHING, but thats just not happened,
god ive fucked up and i know why, i know why im so scared, i know why ive not done what ive done BUT SHE IS NOT ME, so nothing I DO NOW will change the past will change anything bar the here and now,
I will get onto sorting it out tomoro ive to see my hv,
before she goes and leaves me, will add her to the long list,
I know its a wee while, well about 8 weeks or so, maybe less, but its still like tomoro,
If 24year ago feels like today then a few weeks will feel like now
AND IT SO SO DOES, i dont know why i let myself care when i know they go, everyone goes
but then thats what happens, isnt it,
I will explain the fook ups ive done with my girl see if she can help, she will just say ive been stoopid,
My girl is safe it is not that, GOD please dont think that,i may have partook in abuse in the past but i wouldnt in the future or the hear and now
I may have took part as i felt i had no choice, but i was only 4 i didnt really know it was so wrong and dirty,
I make the decisions where my kids are concerned and the only one i can make and stick to is to protect them and ensure they are safe 24/7, which im doing now as im awake so we are all safe as i can hear a pin drop, so i will hear the danger,
BUT in my protecting they may have had to do without, and thats where ive screwed up,
ill not worry now, no point i cant do much at this time in the middle of the night
ill stop waffling now thats all muddled here its at least straighter in my head,

back to stoopid o clock

its all wrong again
Im back to sitting here wide awake at stoopid o clock
Doing anything not to sleep
As thats when there is danger
When im awake i can hear
So i know my kids are alright
Thats when i remember i have kids
the rest of the time im listening for any noise
A noise that tells me the world is asleep
A noise that tells me im not safe
The sound of lifts opening and closing
Of doors banging
Of keys turning
Of lights switching on and off
Of unsteady feet walking
Of my door opening
Or my door closing, thats a sound i welcome
I listen and hope i hear none of them
But one of them
And the more i listen the less i hear
Im so so tired, im always so tired
But it cant be helped,
I wont be any more safe if im awake
But i can prepare
I can count
I can spell
i can watch the sky
I can talk in my head
I can tell
If im not awake
My mind cant yell
So awake it must be
No matter what it takes
Awake is the only option for me

by the skin on my teeth

Im hanging on by the skin on my teeth
And no more today
Im trying my best to get in my car and drive
Anything is better than this
But the more pressure im putting on myself
The harder i am finding it
Its friday and i know where id be going
I know id be getting scared
Right now i feel scared and sick
I never took the wee one out to nursery today
I didnt want her out my sight,
Im going to hide in my bed
As soon as i know they are all right
Ive had the blanket out to feel invisible
Ive had the ice cubes out to feel pain
Ive had the folder out to feel safe
But nothing is working today
Arghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
I hate friday, i hate me i hate this life
Ten more minutes is all i have to hang on for
Then ill be ok,
Then i can put the music in my ears
I can hide and not be here
I can sleep and know im safe
Its not long but its felt like forever
I need to feel numb, i need to seperate myself
its the safest place to be
then i can come back when its safe to be me

what is happening to me

Im so lost and so confused and upset and sad and angry and cold and tired but wide awake
Im scared and hurt and just so so so so confused
I went to see my psych today i remember going, i remember talking, i remember not talking, i know i didnt talk about the voice and the things he tells me, I know i didnt vocalise the stuff i wrote,
But i dont remeber leaving, or walking or where i went or why i went there, I dont know what has happened to me,
I feel so numb, confused, dazed and scared,
I cant go on feeling this despair
Im not long home i went for a cuppa though it took me a while to get there,
but i dont know why
I just know i was scared to go anywhere, I just want to feel safe
why is that such a big ask,
will i only feel safe when i feel nothing
granted i wont feel safe as there will be nothing
but at least i wont feel sad or scared,
i thought i was get taken there, i know ive been so dazed as i know i was wondering why i was out myself in the dark, where i shouldnt have been,
but then im ok as im not young so i can go where i want to, so thats just stupid
I think i was thinking i was five or something,
I think im losing the plot,
I wanted to talk today, but i pretended it was all good, im so so scared that she will think ive wasted her time if im not doing great or worse still she will see me as a no hoper, no chance of ever getting there, so will just leave, retire completly as thats what happens isnt it, people get fed up helping me, i know ive made progress but i just think i need to talk and cry and scream and shout and let it out,
But i didnt i never do, i just pretend im great grand and coping so well, thats what i do when things are so bad as then people dont ask you why its bad so you dont have to talk,
But i cant go on pretending no more, i cant live with the fear i have
Im so so so scared of what is happening to me
I really think im going to die as i feel it physically
I shouldnt be able to feel the pain, feel the fear that must mean im losing the plot
And id rather lose than lose the plot
How can i go on like this,
What is happening to me,
Im gonna have to sort something out soon as i cant spend the next fortnight like the last, beating myself up for not talking not telling all , not just letting it all go, i cant spend the next two weeks in limbo just waiting to talk, then ruining the chance again,
why am i such a stupid cow, why cant i just talk,
I need to talk and need to cry need to feel safe and need to be comforted and know its ok to talk and ok to cry and ok to feel like this
I need to know im not losing the plot and i dont know how to know,
I need to know im safe, i need to stop feeling scared,
I need to know im believed and i need help to believe im not dirty, im not bad and im not evil, i need to know it wasnt my fault, i need to know im not bad, I need to know that it is so wrong, but then he tells me differently and i need to know im allowed to tell him he is wrong, im allowed to disagree
I need to know im not dirty and i can cry and someone might actually want to cuddle me because the care about me and not because i can give them something in return
I need to know i can live my life,
Im so so scared to love my kids as i cant look forward, i cant see them going to school i cant imagine i will be here to see it, i cant get a job what the point when i will let people down and not seeout anything i start
I need to know my psych is going to be here for me a wee bit longer and see me through this i feel like she is going to go soon, i just know its going to happen, i know she must hate me as im such a fookin waster, im losing it big time and im sorry i lost it today ive never felt so scared, i need to go to sleep i think, maybe i wont wake up maybe ill wake up better or maybe i wont even get to sleep,
this is all just a huge pile of mess and i cant see through it, can you?? can anyone??

frustrating as hell

Im driving myself mad
But i cant do nothing else
Ive not had sleep for so long
Its been like hell
Ive been awake now for 43 hours
thats a lot of not sleeping,
Feels like more,
Im starting to feel ill again,
Though do i deserve not too
Im thinking too much to stop
My head is rushing with thoughts
My head is trying to make sense of things
So i cant sleep
As i cant give in to it,
I have to just go on, get on and hope to god im ok

I was thinking about heaven and hell and god,
I was thinking about a book i once read called the celestine prophecy
And i was trying to work out which i believed
If there is a god as we know and think of,
then why do people suffer,
People say it makes you stronger if it doesnt break you
BULLSHIT
i dont think im stronger than i would be if i was left untouched
Or what about everything happens for a reason????
That doesnt make much sense either,so why did my life happen,
why did i happen, to ensure misery for all???

Or you survive this you go to heaven if you are good hell if you are not
What if this is hell, and you start at the bottom and work your way up
Hell does not scare me why should it it cant be much worse than this
I actually feel pain physical pain like i used to, why is this,
what is my mind doing to my body
or why is my body playing tricks

So this is hell, im put here for a reason that reason is to get through it
Then what, where do i go then, heaven , what happens there, do people actually love you or do they kid on like they do here,
i think i like nothingness better as then ill never know

what if they are all there and waiting when its my time to go
what if they are really here now, i know i hear, i see and i feel
but everyone else just thinks its unreal
its all such a mess that is tangled and sore
but i need to untangle it or take his door

!!!!!!!!!!!!

IF A CHILD LIVES WITH SHAME
SHE LEARNS TO FEEL GUILT