anxiety takes over

Im stuck and cant move
its been 7hours since i sat here
and im struck and stuck with fear
Im scared that it happens before i can speak
Why cant i ever speak what i want to
I know i need to

But i know deep down it will have to be alone
But i cant i just cant do it alone
I wonder if they check it over
Can you sneak in and hide
Then you would never be dead only missing
But then it would take me
He cant do that
Ive fought for ever
two years now, to undo the hurt
two years to undo the fear
But i knew i had to go back
But i didnt want it forced
Its forced now
I didnt think it would be so soon
I thought i could juggle it for a while
I thought it would be my choice
To bury, to go, to be strong
This just aint happening

I cant get my head round anything tonight
i can see no light
there isnt even a tunnell
i now know what i need
it is so clear
it is so near
and it just aint happening

Im really scared
Im petrified and i cant do much more middle of the night crap
I want to be left alone
I know i just need to work harder
Ive done the hard bit for me,
ive trusted, i still trust, ive spoken, though not as much as i could
or as much as i should
but ive still spoken
why can i never tell it like it is,
why cant i have sessions now at 3am,4am
if only!!!!
when its real, its raw, its scarey
why cant i just ask for what i need
why does the fear of regection take over

Im not a child,
not any more,
so am i really of any use to him
it was wee me he liked
or is it scared me
or will i always be a child in his eyes
in my eyes
A grown women could voice her wants
would not fear sounding stupid
a grown women could talk without waffling
A real women could just say what she needed to say
whats the worst you can say????
the "i cant tell you if i have kids"reply
stops me probably,still makes me think twice before saying anything
but it shouldnt
maybe i need a reality check,
maybe i need to rememeber who i am

is it the fear of feeling that hurt, that stupid, that daft
again maybe it is
or is it the ultimate regection
even down to things that others would just say
others would just ask
others would just speak
why do i have to watch what i say
i know im waffling rubbish
but maybe it will clear some of the stuff out my head
maybe its so hard as i know it is unrealistic
maybe i just set myself up to fail
to hurt
to be miserable
i cant remember not feeling numb
so maybe i deserve no more
i need to stand up and shout that im not bad
but how many people will shout back
j i really need you to help me speak,
i know you do,and i know you get so pissed off with me
im sorry for that,it is not my intention
im not sure if we have an agenda for this week
i know i do, but i spose i always do,
but the closer its getting the more overpowering its getting
ive googled my night away
trying to work out when when when,
but im getting no where
im so scared that im gonna screw this up too,
its a hard time ahead the lighter nights
i know i hate the dark
but id rather it be dark with shadows
than light with every detail to be seen
why could they do that to me
i just want to feel clean
they have left me so dirty and ugly and bad
them all, even him,
they have made me mad,sad and scared
they have made me so damn aware
i hate living in a jumpy, noisy world
a loud and noisy head
i want to remember that he is dead
but they all are not, the pics are not
and worse of all they are not in my head
im waffling away here,
in the hope of the birds start singing
the kids get up and ill be back to safety
im scared to go on like this,
i want someone to come and get me
take me away from him
dont let him touch me anymore
dont let him take the pictures
dont let people watch, i dont like people watching
i dont like them touching themselves
or me or anyone else,
i dont like mens bits, things, what ever,
i cant bear to see them, yet i do,
even in my safety i was faced with that
Even in my safe place, there was still that,
with men touching themselves
and i feel sick to the stomache
why why why why why why why
i thought better
why though i dont know, as what makes any of them different
i feel sick and i cant stop them
if i count squares til i can count no more
then will it be over and will it be time to go
i dont like the place im in
its clean too clean and smells like disinfectant
i hate that smell
like a hospital
reminds me of unwell
there are too many people around to know to see
i know most of them and they all know me
but some i dont know, some you dont see
they make sure of that, but they can still see me
and others, other stupid niave people
but how do they know me
because im lucky, special, good,
or because im stupid, dirty and rude
i hate being there for them to oggle
why would they even want to watch
surely they cant get happy from pain
surely they can see that its not a big game
she is there, she thinks its fun
i dont think so, i just want my mum
but she isnt there, no where to be seen
im just left here, with these two and there team
i cant cope with the thoughts of what they done
or what i let them do
why would they pick me,
what have i done so bad
they always had to drink first
was i really so bad that they had to be drunk
before they could even be with me
sounds familiar, sounds like the way
i hate this room, i cant escape
with the walls, the ceiling i know it all
the lights the switches the marks on the wall
i cant shut it out, its here and now,
im writing it down to escape just now
but its not working,
im trapped and i have to let him torcher me more
as i cant fight against him any more
i dont want to hurt and i dont want to hate
but i cant help thinking that im not great
that im bad, that im ugly, that i need taught a lesson
that im lucky, that im special and that im a precious person
his princess, his special girl, his lovely one
her good girl, her number one, her favourite being
she only showed what she did, so i was believing
that it was nice and gentle too
but she didnt know it was gentle with you
you were always worse when others around
you always treated me bad when she was there
you made me hurt more, scared more, and full of fear
why did you not show her that you cared, or them too,
then maybe they would have left it to you
why did you have to do such real bad things
infront of others but not behind
maybe if it was always the cuddles the gentle the not so sore
then i could cope better than i am no more
i cant take the hate you had for me
the love, the hate, the disgust in your face
the look ive seen from you and another
you know who but you and no other
but that look scares me more than you
as i know what that look can do
i need to stop now as im getting scared
im not feeling brave
im not feeling well
im talking to you to drown you out,
but its not working is it
you are always louder, stronger and bigger than me

think i need to go and get some music to my ears
very very loud music, its 4am now
im running out of ideas,
only another 2hours to kill

numb numb numb

having a heavy head full of nothing
is better than a clear head but full of everything
how much more will it take to get to where i need to go
how much more of numb does it take

i sit and waite for it to kick in, so it can kick him out
tomoro i need some respite, ive had a week of me, no nothing
just me
its been the worst week in life,
in the now, not the past
its been torture and hell
and enough is enough
ive tried but ive failed so tomoro
its back to that again
wot else can someone do in order to breath
to live, to exist
im devastated that "me" is so bad, i need somthing to disguise it
im sorry that im making such a mess of everything,
of my life, of my future of everything

one gets me through the day the other through the night
what a mess, what a disgrace, what an excuse of a person i am
im so pissed off that i should be better, i cant just forget if only
if only if only
as it runs out and im still me,

will i make it

When i started writing this blog it was to mark my road to survival
that road was always gonna be hard,
was always gonna be difficult
was always gonna be rocky,
but somehow, somewhere, something said it was a road i had to take
A road to survivial
i was a survivor in the making,
that always gives the idea that im going to make it
But now comes a time, again, again and again, you all say
that i have to decide am i "in the making" or am i "in the failing"
im thinking the latter
there comes a time when i have to say enough is enough,
Or when others have to feel enough is enough
how much time do people have to waste on me!!!!!!!!!!
I wonder if walking away is less cruel than finality,
but could i walk and never ever turn back, i dont know
Would i not always be thinking, where, when, why and what??
So then i come back surely that is worst than not being here at all
The countdown is in, should i be scared or excited???
Should i feel relief or fear
should i feel so so calm or should i feel frantic??
I know what i feel, but is that normal, or is anything i ever feel normal
People think i was abused, it was years ago, ive told people, now get over it,
if only it was so easy, people think you tell and life gets better,
you yell and the pain goes away
if only it was that easy
if only my past wasnt my everyday

wasted

Im wasted
i need to feel nothing
i need to not feel
but i just feel wasted
life is wasted
love was wasted
family yep its wasted

love is wasted
fear is more wasted
time been wasted
no more should waste
i am wasted
he has wasted me
im wasted as i cant be free
so i try for numb
to not see,
to not feel
to not know me
ive took some stuff
to make me numb
but im not,
i aint
i just feel some
hate, sad, fear and shock
at him, her and all there lot
i wish i was so wasted i wouldnt know
if only, idiot, ill always be his whoe

got me

you got me didnt you]
ypu thought i didnt care but i did
you thought i didnt feel but i do
i know that its my own fault
but ive never been that bad
why my baby
i cant believe you took my baby
im sick and drunk
i want my baby back
ive no chance aint i not
no chance at all
i love ya baby
love your smile
love your smell
your
innocence

big deep breaths

I think i need to take huge big deep breaths
to ground myself
to remember the here and now
to get free for a while
Ive been doing everything i can
working my way down the list
to try and get some reprive
Its 4am so at least it has been as dark as its going to be
Im trying to think how i feel
and its dirty, disgusting, shame, hatred, self loathe
thats just for starters,
Stupid, ugly, obese, soiled, worthless,
i could go on and on
but i cant as i might not stop
Its been so long since i had a nights unbroken sleep
its been so long since i actually felt my eyes close
It seem like an eternity
I do hear that sleep is overrated anyway and im not missing out
But id like to try it out sometime
The less im sleeping the more i feel the way i do just now
upset, uptight, scared, dirty, spoiled, disgusting, hatred
and the more i feel like this the less i sleep
so i dont think i can win,
i wonder if ill ever win

tears for fears

Im now sat crying,
the anger has left and all i feel is sad
Sad for me, sad to be alone,
sad that people dont want to be near me,
Scared to be alone,
Why does no one want to stick around
Why does no one care about me
I just want someone to look after me
Someone to tell me not to die
Someone to tell me im worth being alive
Someone who will stick around forever
Someone who can listen to my past and see a future
Im not feeling so angry anymore just very very sad
Just very upset and frustrated
My tears are for one thing
Fear that im alone, fear that they are all leaving me
Why can no one like me
Why when they know do they not want to know me
Why do they not care
Will they shed a tear when im gone,
Will they understand i wasnt wrong
I need to pull myself together
And stop the tears
My kids are hear and i dont want them to see me
Not when im in tears, not when i cant explain it
How can i say im crying as no one wants to cuddle me
Im crying cause no one loves me like a daughter
Im crying because the love i have for you no one has for me
Im crying for all ive lost, all ive wanted and all ill ever want
Im crying for the shame i feel, for the hate i feel
Im crying because im crying alone,
Even in a room full of people i am lonely
Even when surrounded my friends im alone
Im empty, im nothing and i dont like it,

uptight

Im so damn uptight and angry and want to scream and shout
but with who??? To who?? Whats the point
The people i want to be angry with i cant
im not aloud
the people who its safe to be angry with, i dont want to be angry with
The only person i know to be angry with is me
ME ME ME
I HATE THIS AND I CANT TAKE MUCH MORE

funeral wants

I wondered where to leave this
Where i knew if needed it could be
Where i knew that people who would need to know
Could be told my wishes,
I know that people who know me
When there pc will permit
Will look on here and see
So i thought it be best here,
then it cant get lost

The Lord's my Shepherd, I'll not want.
he makes me down to lie
in pastures green; he leadeth me
the quiet waters by.

My soul he doth restore again;
and me to walk doth make
within the paths of righteousness,
even for his own Name's sake.

Yea, though I walk in death's dark vale,
yet will I fear no ill;
for thou art with me; and thy rod
and staff my comfort still.

My table thou hast furnished
in presence of my foes;
my head thou dost with oil anoint,
and my cup overflows.

Goodness and mercy all my life
shall surely follow me;
and in God's house forevermore
my dwelling place shall be.


Verse St John 14
to be read the way i learnt it from a kids bible
Do not let your heart be troubled
Trust in god, trust also in me
In my fathers home are many mansions
If it where not so i would have told you
Im going to that place to prepare a home
And if i go and prepare i home i will come
back to recieve you to take you where i am
Thomas said Lord we dont know where we are going
So how can we know the way
Jesus said I am the way, the truth and the life
No man cometh to the father
Except by me
(i was 6 when i learnt this and said it over and over again)

Id like this read also
To anyone who is here today
To help the people who are sad,
to say goodbye as i go
Then i thankyou for being in my life
Im sorry that this has happened now,
Maybe you think, a waste,
But look at what ive left behind
my life was never a waste,
Two most beutiful girls that will know forever more
they were brought to the world with such love
They are the reason i lived so long
So everyone in here dont be sad
Be happy for what ive done
And make sure them two wee ones
Will never forget there mum
thanks,x,x,x

songs lyrics and life

And everything around her is a silver pool of light
The people who surround her feel the benefit of it
It makes you calm
She holds you captivated in her palm
Oh she makes me feel like I could be a tower
A big strong tower
She got the power to be
The power to give
The power to see

these lyrics help me daily,
we all know someone like this if we are lucky
It took me to receantly to know someone like this,
but im lucky for it,

Im struggling just now, Big time
though thats is nothing new,
Its hard to get on,
when you still dont have a clue
I hate people seeing me
And knowing what ive done
And now they saw me there and then
Im surprised if theyll return
Im glad i get through an hour of pain
with no drugs, no drink, no help
I feel better that ive done it,
but i feel exposed a little too
I want to scream and cry and shout
I want everyone to do it too
But i cant im scared, im scared to death
That he will come out my head

Im tired, the sleeping is so awfull just now
The car works some of the time
but other times he takes control
like he says "nope your mine"
I wish they would all leave me be
And there demons would go away
But its with me here and now
And every other day

I want to be so honest and true
And speak without thinking
But i cant get over the shame and guilt
the embarassement the fear,
The stupidity the hate the utter disgust
At what i done all them years

I want to look at the photos again
And see them how you did
But i cant, not on my own, like this
And i cant because i fear,
I tried the "im still here", the being brave
"When ive told so there your wrong"
But it doesnt work
He doesnt care
They cant tarnish his name,
they cant do him harm,
the people who i cant tell
he knows i never will
so is he always going to have this hold over me
Is he always going to bloody win,
Im ready to fight this sometimes and i feel brave
Then i reaslise that all my worth, is to be a mans sex slave
So wots the point of fighting
Whats the point of being
Whats the point of dealing
When ill only end up leaving
Ive not cut for so so long
Ive done so well with that
Ive used the ice cubes, the cards, everything
But today is a new start
I feel i need to cut away the places he put his hands
Cut away to stop me feeling
Cut to the blood wont stop
I thought of walking in front of a bus earlier,
But it didnt seem the time
As i couldnt do it to look like an accident
When i was pushing a pram beside
Ill need to waite til im alone
Maybe waite a while
But i cant do the school start thing
So i need to make a move on
I need to hurry up
As its only 24 weeks from now
So the preparations will start so soon
And thats just not for me
But the only way i can escape them
Is to make sure i cant see
I cant breath, I cant move and I am no more
Ill let down a lot of people
But ill free them up too, to get on with there life
And have some peace from constantly having me
At them to help, not getting anywhere,
Ive been told how well ive done
I was told that on wednesday
To get to where i am in life
With all i had to do
But its not down to fight, or me
Its down to fear or being asked
So i just got by and never tried
So i dont deserve praise or help
The best thing i could do for all around
Would be to leave them all to be,
To live a life with peace and quiet
A life without me