dreams are nightmares, and nightmares are no dreams

Im not really doing well
Im sleeping, then im dreaming, im dreaming the worst
so i wake, when i wake there still there,
i cant be happy,
i cant get on with silly wee tasks,
Im stuck in a rut,
Ive nearly finished my talking,
there isnt much i havent disclosed
so should i feel like this
i thought it got better
yet right now its worse
i want to run away and hide
i want to just run and run where i cant be found
but there will always be them, i cant run from them
they seem to find me
i cant hide when they are a part of me
this next few weeks are going to be hard
i know that more than ive ever known anything
i cant imagine for a minute how im gonna get through it
its alright for others to say to make my own memories
to do my own thing, to make them happy
i dont know how to do that,
i dont know how to stop them taking over my every thought
i feel when im out that everyone knows and they look at me with such disgust
i cant blame them, though sometimes i wish they would understand
i didnt know what was happening, i was not aware,
so surely people cant blame me,
i wish they wouldnt
i dont want to blame me anymore, but the other choice is to scarey
so i might run,
i want to be happy, feel happy, not fear, not dirt, i want to do something with my life
i dont want them to end it, but its so close now, and events in the next seven days will make or break me, they will be the final nail in the coffin or the final string to pull me up and get me on,
im so so so scared, i felt calm now i feel fear,
i wish it didnt have to be like this, but im losing any control i did have

what a mess!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I think its time i gave up
i think theres only so many times i can ask for help
And get no where,
there has to be a reason for that
there has to be

there are people consistently there, who help
and thankgod for them
but today i went to the drs for anti-depressants
to me that shows i want to get better
the ones i were on are no longer suitable
so i stopped
im dizzy, sick, low, tearfull, angry and yep
suicidal
so i thought id go to the drs and sort it out
what did i get NOTHING
no anti depressants, ive to go to my own gp
who i cant get an appointment with
then they phone and say ive to ask the m.h.t
for an appointment for anti-depressants

In this country where junkies get methadone,
FREE OF CHARGE
Alcoholics get more money for alcohol
FROM THE GOVERNMENT
And i am denied an anti depressant
A tablet that will help me live
without which i can not live and will not live
Ive told my family to sue the nhs when i commit suicide
as ive asked for help

to say im disgusted would be a true description
though to say im hurt would be a truer one
I feel like the powers that be are telling me
im not worth an anti-depressant
they couldnt care if i commited suicide
they have given up on me
so why should i keep going,
im trying so so hard and fighting each day to live
yet im left fighting all the harder as i cant even get a happy pill
now more than ever ive to try and not self medicate
how can i not self medicate when they wont even medicate me
Its just an absouloute mess and one that will come to an end one way or another
maybe its a test, maybe they want to see wot i will do,
or maybe they truley dont care and thats one less script to write
one less script to fund, one less number to accomadate,
whatever it is they just didnt need to do it to me just now
im not strong enough for this just now,
im not strong enough for any of it,
how can i possible fight, when i have no fuel left to fight with
when im sick,sore and hurting,
why is this all happening now, what is the reason for it now
why should i even try to fight, when no one else is fighting for me,