An Update

Its been so long since ive written
ive tried on many occasions but just cant find the words just now
Im still trying to get to the end
The light i can see now,
music to everyones ears,
Im scared to move on as much as im scared to stay here,
I can still see him, hear him and feel him daily
but i can do other things at the same time now
im surviving enough to get through the shopping,
the school run and the "painting a smile on"
im scared to admit how bad i still feel as i know it just disapoints
Im scared to admit that i still want to die,
that i still think im to blame
that i still want to run away
that i still want to scream
There is extra reason to try and try
I am having another baby, so i need to ensure that im "together"
i want no more than to have the most together kids
to do it so differently
so it gives me some fire in my heart
Its hard when they are not here to remind me to breath
when they are not in my vision to remind me who i am now
But they are in my heart and for that i need to fight,
its hard, i so underestamated how difficult life could be as a survivor
Being a victim was hard, feeling to blame is hard,
but the work involved in trying to survive is so so hard,
i try to remember that although its bad and its hard,
it can never be as sore, scarey and bad as it was when it was happening
but lets be honest, id rather be eating jelly tots than doing this!!!!!