My survival pack is almost ready

Its funny, some people pack there birth bag
others pack babygrows
the one thing im concentrating on is survival,
packing things that will get me through
packing things that will keep me there
packing things that will make sure i dare
I got a parcel today that is all packed away
it made me smile and laugh
i hope it does on the day
ill know im not alone so i suppose that will help

When its all over ill have one more reason to live
One more person to love
protect and shape into an independat person
A happy person,
Maybe thats why its happening again,
to show me i can

I need to get through this for my baby, for my babies
I need to concentrate on that
I need to remember its not like then
It might feel like it
My head might go there
But please god let it get back,
Let me do this, im trying so hard,

im so sad

Again ive let myself down and kept things brewing
instead of writing,
So i find myself writing now, needs must i suppose
Time is going so fast now and im scared, I cant believe there is not long left
The fear i feel takes me back
the pain i feel takes me back
and im sad, im scared and im angry
I dont do angry very well so thats a hard thing to feel,
Im feeling it with all the wrong people and not the one i should feel it too
But im realising that, slowley but surely so thats better

Flashbacks are terrorising me day and night now, its funny how your mind works
I try to remind myself that im here and now and not there n then
but thats not easy,
ive been in my invisible blanket allday today, its been a while since i needed it for a full day,
even now im wrapped up hoping that everyone will go away and leave me,
how much security can one peace of cloth do???
But i just let myself believe im safe, im sure thats ok,
I need to think im safe, or i just cant go on
hopping that will head will turn off soon,
thats my ears will stop working,
that the screams i feel inside might come out
And maybe my day will be over,

The "stupid " thoughts are here again, thankgod its not just me anymore
I often wonder who decided they were stupid thoughts....
As to me, being free is not a stupid thought,
having no more pain is not a stupid thought,
hanging around and taking some more now thats a stupid thought,
makes you think, why is dying so wrong, yet living has to be right????

if by some freak accident i died tomoro, would people say i was stupid??
of course they wouldnt they would make sure my kids knew they were loved,
make sure my family where cared for and my kids would never blame themselves
they would grow up happy and secure as everyone arround would ensure that,
so why is it if i jumped off a roof or hung from a beam it would be a disgrace
my kids would be scarred, there life would be awfull etc etc
why do they both have to be so different, i just dont understand that,
especially when part of my reasoning would be for my kids,

Might go and cry some more, i feel all cried out yet with so much more crying to do, how strange, im crying for then, crying for now, crying for the last twenty five years of crying thats not been allowed,