im so tired i need to sleep

Im so so tired,
I cant sleep just now for dreams,
Ive tried to sleep through the day for past few days but cant even do that
Im so so tired, that everything just seems an effort,

The flashbacks im getting are terror just now,
There are lots of people in them,
They are all taking part and i cant cope
i am scared sensless, just as i must have been
i try to remember im in the here and now but its so hard,
Im disgusted with the things i remember,
the detail i remember it in,
Im disgusted by the things i done, by the idea that closing my eyes made it better,
wasnt often i got to close my eyes but this time i did,
im horrified at the fact i didnt scream or punch
but i never did, did i??
I wish i had,
Why couldnt i have just screamed then, i cant scream now,
i want to scream now, but who do i scream at
ive punched a door, a wall and cut all in a few days,
why am i so angry??? i cant feel this angry, its wrong and its not allowed
I wish i could just run away, run away and forget it all,

IF YOU WANT THE RAINBOW

u gotta put up with the rain,
i dont know why ive not been blogging of late,
as my life is shit, full or such sad and ache,
so i should be using this more than anything just now
think i thought that by this time in my journey the blog would be deleated,the world would have moved on by now
so its a bit strange, feels like a failing, but feels like such a good thing that ive got this far, such a double edged emotian,

i was staring at a poster today with this quote on it today from dolly parton and i was thinking how much rain should you have to put up with for that rainbow,
im not fussed for the pot of gold but some rainbow would be nice,

Things have been so difficult,
i feel so confused, so hurt, so angry and so stressed,
Im tired as the nightmares wake me, the flashbacks keep me awake
then the "little people" are up and its time to start over,

I really hoped by now there would be no more memories,
it would all be out and it would all be disgussed, i remember saying that they were all out years ago after i had disclosed a small bit, ohh how niave of me,

the new flashbacks are hell the old ones im coping with,
they are still there but i live with them now,
the new ones if i can get them out and open then maybe i can do the same with them
i feel sick to the stomach when i think about the shit still going round and round in my head,
i feel so sick when i think of the life i might have had

Ive came so far from where i was, but not far enough to where i need to be,
I know i can get there some day, i just need to get it all out and get it all sorted and then work out who i am??
i need to stop being loud and laughing and maybe people will know i need the help, they will see im not happy, they will see my pain and fear, they wont think im just doing great,.
Maybe i need to take some of the mask off, let me out

But then do they even need to see this,
I cant have people thinking im not strong, not in control, that im vulnerable and scared, that im fearful when i close my eyes at night, yet even more so when i open them in the morning,
i really dont know anymore, i didnt buy into this when i came into the world,
i wanted the daisy chains and picnics, not the oral sex and rape, i wanted to go to bed happy, not full of fear, i wanted to wake up happy, not sore and scared, i wanted to go on trips out, not too "group games" with lots of men, I want to go to sleep at night and wake in the morning without a feel of dread, i want to not wish i was dead, i want so much,
god i wanted my childhood, not to be used, made feel bad, made feel dirty, an object for them all, a toy, an add on, a sick part of there games,
what did i do so wrong, was i really so so naughty that i needed shown, was i really asking for it all the time, was i really evil,
AM i really not normall, am i lucky, am i special, am i ugly, am i bad for making it happen????
Which is it, i get it all in a daily basis so which one is it to be???
I wish i could just see!!!!!!!!

I want to hide forever, i want to be free,
Would people look at me with shame and disgust?? Was i really that bad??

Will anyone ever take it away, make it better, cuddle me, let me cry, wipe my tears??? or will it just always be this way, was this the hand i was dealt so the one i need to deal with
I really think im doing well, i just need to do better,
I can do this, I bloody will do it too,