D-day one is over the best is yet to come

My eyes are closing as i type,
but i need to typeand try and rid
then maybe the eyes will stay closed for at least some of the night
christmas is over, i survived, im here,
it was awfull yet why as i was surrounded by happiness,
happiness created by me,
yet all i felt inside was anger, hurt and saddness,
at times i had to just take myself away so as others could not see
at times i felt so alone so so alone, yet those who say they love me most were with me

new year is coming,
another one i cant do,
same reasons, same damn memories,
only i have pictures of that nght,
a constant reminder,
it was so so late and i was so so tired,
why am i doing the whole host thing,
maybe i cant run away from it anymore
so i will face it,

my eyes are closing yet the head is full
i know now its gonna be another night of hell
maybe if i can sort it in thenight, itll give me more to fight in the day
i cant believe another year is nearlt over, think this is the one that needs to count
this is the one that needs to count the most,
in many many ways, i swore this man couldnt have me once i was 30, so ive decided that gives me til the day before my 31 lol

i really feel such an urge to talk to people, to tell them my story, how fucked up is that, i know people look at me and think im stupid, or a junkie or thick or a bad mother or lazy and i know when i walk into nursery or school that is what is being thought, that scares me that just makes me less want to go, i knwo im not of these things, if i was i wouldnt have got as far as i have, i wouldnt have the stable home that i have, if you can call it stable with me init, i would be dead and would have given up long ago,
im a fighter and i need to fight,
i need to go to sleep now and sorry to say but pray i dont wake,natural would be acceptable, and if i do wake then its time i startred trying to exercise the past, tell who needstold, cry cry cry and be angry,
for now i need to give into sleep, give into dreams, and pray my screams are not loud to wake teh house,
i really wish i had a safe cuddle i have one blankie instead
help me god i really need to sleep, please watch over me and send mee nice wee dreams,

aint long left

im sorry to say this but i dont think theres long left
long to find the light
long to find the fight
long to find the truth
long to take an outh

no more no more no more,
its not long left til i leave,
til i go
til the lord comes and takeths away
the lord giveth and the lord taketh away

ten days til i do the big red man,
then thats it, my time will come
im sorry for anyone who knows its real
im sorry im sorry im sorry its surreal
my head is away and my heart is empty
with all the filling its just not plenty,
im soiled
spoiled
hated being
why can i stay around for another,
i love my family, the ones im here with
but i cant love them more than i do just now
and do i need to lve them more to stick around and fill them with hate
i just want to cry,
i just want to scream
i want to love my kids enough to stay
i love my man more than i love the day
i love his life more than he needs a wife
i need to give them a break from me
do i run,
do i go and ask for respite
or do i igo forever,
someone please, someone somewhere help me know,
i just want a cuddle a cuddle itrs always that
im not dirty im not a tart