Arghhhh

I just want to feel happy
not sad
i want to feel gratefull
and glad
i want to feel something
inside
not just empty and wanna
hide

i hate this everyday
the feelings im scared to say
this wasmeant to be over
meant to be done,
but i cant end it, it cant be done
i want to scream and want to run
i want to hide i want to cry
please someone help me
i miss someone so good to me
and i need to prove i can do this for her now, not me,
i need to show her im all "cured"
but i cant when i dont feel pure

I hurt inside when i dont want to
i still see things that i cant deal with
for fuck sake ive had enough now
leave me alone you had your cut now

Am i asking to much to be normal
to be safe, to be loved to be normal
to take my kids out without feeling scared
to sit in an untidy house without feeling sick
seeing toys without freaking out
hearing noise without blocking out

i just wanna be normal for my kids
to love the like a mother should,
to let them make mistakes
to let them play and fight
to let them wear silly clothes,
nighties, sk0irts with no tights,
i cant look after them,
i cant do nothing right

im so so upset
so misunderstood
i cant take the put downs i hear or the ones in my head
im really really trying when all else is said
but im not doing best, not doing as i could
so maybe im not worth the doing i should
maybe im an arsehole and god is just telling
he made a mistake when he gave me my blessings

is this is a shift!!!!

I really shouldnt be sitting on here just now as i should be getting ready to take my girls to school,
but i cant move today
something really strange has happened,
i think theres been a shift,
i think something inside me has changed,
but omg i dont know if i like it,
i want to stand up and scream and shout, i want to shout to the world what i went through
i want to punish every one of them,
when i next see one of them in town or at the shops i might well go up and tell him to watch his back, i feel brave or angry i dont know,
it scares me this new sense of whatever it is,
i want the world to know that these bastards violated everything i had,
i want the world to make sure they do it to no one else
i want to kill them, string them up and punish them first,
I wonder how much they would enjoy feeling like they were going to die daily,
i wonder how they would feel being raped, beaten and then blamed,
i wonder how they would feel being humilated
bathed and scrubbed as though i was dirty, how would you like that when you were sore and scared

FUCKIN BASTARDS NEED FUCKIN SHOT
AND I THINK IM READY TO DO THAT NOW
ive never felt the way i feel today and omg im scared, a voice inside is telling me im wrong, i was the bad one, not them, i need to stop thinking otherwise, i cant tell anyone or i might have to be sent away to live, but im sick of that voice, its never helped in the past so WHY LISTEN NOW

im so so so scared as the feeling in my stomache is like an urge to do something,
i nearly wrote on fbook ............ was raped and beaten by a gang of paedophiles while growing up many of whom where family members, but they dont rule me anymore and i am not ashamed,
but i changed my mind to .......... has lost her marbles as thats kinds how it feels to be feeling like this, maybe i have lost my marbles or maybe i have found them!!!

god only knows,

how can i feel this good sober!!!

I really need to escape, to get drunk, to get waisted just to feel escape,
im not coping with the lack of escape
i cant drink, i cant get waisted because im carrying this baby,
but i really need to just escape it all for ten minutes, for 10hours, just for sometime

its nearly the summer,
i cant cope with the thought of the summer,
this summer will be my worse yet,
my worse one ever
i wont be getting beat up, hopefully, ;-0
but i will be losing the most important person in my recovery and i cant cope with that
i cant do it,
i cant do this without her i dont want to do this without her id rather just not do

the lighter the nights, the worst my mood,
the more i dream, the more i want to scream,
i want to harm myself, i want to kill myself
after four years of pretty intense therapy im still here stuck with this fuck
im still ashamed for letting him do to me what is just not normal
im still ashamed for all the times i actually felt something, something good, something nice
im still sick to the pitt to think about the things we done,

i look at my girls they are as young as i was, as i am, as i feel some times
and it is so not normal what i done, what he done to me, what we done as a "couple"
i wish now that when he put his hands round my throut and let me go that i too would have went and not fought,
why did i have to fight to live when this is all im living,
my life is over now, ive nothing left to give, nothing else to share, nothing else to do,
i just want to be free of you and thats not going to happen or it would have by now

what will people think of me when im not here, will it matter?
will the girls always be known as they girls whose mum killed herself, whose mum fooked off and left them to it, whose mum didnt care about them, when really its so so different i know that, how can no one else know it or see it, its because i love them i cant do this not because i dont,

maybe if  i could escape for a day it would be better, if i could feel as good sober as i feel drunk then i could cope, if i could have that escape, if i could run away, if i could just sleep without dreaming,
dream without sleeping and live without HIM

why oh why

im surrounded by people yet i feel so alone
i really really need to cry and let it all out
i need to get rid of this christmas flashback,
i just need to talk it through, cry, puke, whatever i might do,
i need to cry and be comforted, be cuddled and held and protected
i need to feel that there are people who care
i know there are, but i cant help feeling so alone

i cant shake the feelings that i want to escape
that i want to run, that i want to hide,that i want to commit suicide
i cant shake them off or let them go,
i think its a god send that my hubbie cant cope remarkable on his own
as if i knew deep down he would do the better job without me id be gone, but i really dont know

i have three gorgues kids, a home, a family that care, a husband what the fuck is wrong with me
why cant i just leave the past in the past, why can i not be happy, why do they still haunt me

i saw one of them in town last week again, he cant even look at me now,
i make him THAT sick, he cant even look at me
i bet i make lots of people sick,
im scared that people can all see me for a tart, a tramp, a slut a slapper,
people who love me are not helping, they dont tell me im doing well,
I really need to shake this feeling off as i cant cope for much longer with it,
i feel like ive went way back, i feel like im 6 or 7 sometimes 8 on a good day i might feel 13,
i want to feel 30 i want to feel like a mother, i want to smile and feel the smile inside,
not smile so others dont see what im really feeling,
i want the sick feeling in my stomache to go, i want the sick dreams in my head to go
i want the bastard thats dead to leave me, im sorry i shoudnt have said that,
but i need you to go now, i cant cope more or is that what you want, you want me to die so you have me all over again, so that you wil always have won,

why oh why do i need to prolong this agony, why oh why am i being made to suffer this
im not a bad person, if anything im a lot kinder than a lot i know,
why is life so fookin awfull
why do i need to go on,
i just want  a sign that i can go, anything just so i will know

help me lord oh please help me

i shouldnt be feeling this way
i shouldnt be feeling the way i am
i want to run away
i want to get away from him
i cant help feeling so shit,
i cant help feeling so crap
i just want someone to help me
to run and run and run
i really cant do this anymore
im just glad i fight these feelings
im glad im no longer his little whore

please just let me run away from this
please hold me and let me cry
please tell me i dont need to die
please help me scream so loud
that im hurt, im hurting, im not proud
he has killed all i am, all i have and all ill ever be
i just want someone to love me for me

im sick and tired of always being sick and tired

Im so so tired and yet im not getting a good sleep,
im waking, dreaming and screaming
i hate it,
i hate it, i hate it so so much,

Im ready to finish the telling now, im ready to speak the words
all the words, make sure they are all vocalised then i need to try and move on
i need to try and understand,
i feel so dirty just now, its been so long since i felt this bad,
im sure i just feel exposed or something

i want to cry but i cant cry alone,
i want to talk but i dont want to annoy people
i want to run away but you cant always get what you want,
Im sad and scared of what he done,

Im forgetting everything i say and do,
i forget everything and that scares me too,
I want to go out alone, even just a walk,
and im scared to do that too
i shouldnt feel scared anymore but i do
i feel sick to the stomach when i see what we done,
when i dream, when i get flashbacks, memories, smells, tastes, touch
it all repulses me so much,
i dont know anymore what im meant to do
i am trying so so hard, i really am trying,

im just so sick and tired of it all,
i just want to cry and be cuddled and know it just so so one hundred percent was not my fault,
i dont think im evil or bAD
the thought of that makes me pretty sad,
but i must be, i must be or why why why?????????????????????????

i think its getting easier, then something fooks it up

On the therapy front we are making some great progress,
the difference that has been pointed out to me receantly
between me now and me at the start of therapy are remarkable,
i can see it now its been shown to me and it amazes me
i know though its far from over
im sat here tonight, worried and feeling very naked and bare to the world
i dont know why, but i feel like everyone looking at me knows my past,
knows what i am and judges me for it,
I think this was made worse by the news that i was having another baby,
never ever before have i felt so dirty or so used as to think im having another baby,
people will think im a tart, a slapper and always "at it" when that couldnt be more wrong,
\im devastated that my coping mechanisms have been taking from me,
I cant cope without them but i have no choice,
so no more cutting, no more smoking and no more drinking,
how i will cope or manage i dont know
im struggling to sleep as the nightmares are taking over again,
i hate nightmares, they are the pits,
i hate having to live it through over and over,
i really dont want to do this for ever,
i couldnt cope with forever,
i just want never,