how can i feel this good sober!!!

I really need to escape, to get drunk, to get waisted just to feel escape,
im not coping with the lack of escape
i cant drink, i cant get waisted because im carrying this baby,
but i really need to just escape it all for ten minutes, for 10hours, just for sometime

its nearly the summer,
i cant cope with the thought of the summer,
this summer will be my worse yet,
my worse one ever
i wont be getting beat up, hopefully, ;-0
but i will be losing the most important person in my recovery and i cant cope with that
i cant do it,
i cant do this without her i dont want to do this without her id rather just not do

the lighter the nights, the worst my mood,
the more i dream, the more i want to scream,
i want to harm myself, i want to kill myself
after four years of pretty intense therapy im still here stuck with this fuck
im still ashamed for letting him do to me what is just not normal
im still ashamed for all the times i actually felt something, something good, something nice
im still sick to the pitt to think about the things we done,

i look at my girls they are as young as i was, as i am, as i feel some times
and it is so not normal what i done, what he done to me, what we done as a "couple"
i wish now that when he put his hands round my throut and let me go that i too would have went and not fought,
why did i have to fight to live when this is all im living,
my life is over now, ive nothing left to give, nothing else to share, nothing else to do,
i just want to be free of you and thats not going to happen or it would have by now

what will people think of me when im not here, will it matter?
will the girls always be known as they girls whose mum killed herself, whose mum fooked off and left them to it, whose mum didnt care about them, when really its so so different i know that, how can no one else know it or see it, its because i love them i cant do this not because i dont,

maybe if  i could escape for a day it would be better, if i could feel as good sober as i feel drunk then i could cope, if i could have that escape, if i could run away, if i could just sleep without dreaming,
dream without sleeping and live without HIM