Arghhhh

I just want to feel happy
not sad
i want to feel gratefull
and glad
i want to feel something
inside
not just empty and wanna
hide

i hate this everyday
the feelings im scared to say
this wasmeant to be over
meant to be done,
but i cant end it, it cant be done
i want to scream and want to run
i want to hide i want to cry
please someone help me
i miss someone so good to me
and i need to prove i can do this for her now, not me,
i need to show her im all "cured"
but i cant when i dont feel pure

I hurt inside when i dont want to
i still see things that i cant deal with
for fuck sake ive had enough now
leave me alone you had your cut now

Am i asking to much to be normal
to be safe, to be loved to be normal
to take my kids out without feeling scared
to sit in an untidy house without feeling sick
seeing toys without freaking out
hearing noise without blocking out

i just wanna be normal for my kids
to love the like a mother should,
to let them make mistakes
to let them play and fight
to let them wear silly clothes,
nighties, sk0irts with no tights,
i cant look after them,
i cant do nothing right

im so so upset
so misunderstood
i cant take the put downs i hear or the ones in my head
im really really trying when all else is said
but im not doing best, not doing as i could
so maybe im not worth the doing i should
maybe im an arsehole and god is just telling
he made a mistake when he gave me my blessings