Someone please help me

I have someone I can trust
I know I'm one of the lucky ones
Someone who has proved they are their for me but someone who still has to leave
But thankgod she told me she believes

I can't tell her I really truly actually plan to die as I don't want it to feel minupulitive when we are about to say bye
I don't want her t
So I have told her how bad I feel but I haven't told her I'm actually going to die (don't worry she can't read this)
The thing is I don't even want to die, I don't want to miss out on all the future memories
I don't want to miss see my little people succeed in life
I don't want to miss my calling, my purpose, my reason for being as I haven't found that yet
But the flashbacks the trauma the reminder of it all. The desperate to tell it all but never being able the wanting to talk for hours but not knowing the words to use and running out of time badly to do it.
So what the point of this the point is I have my plan, I am ready, I am going to end it and let the others rest easy. But I am scared I'm making the wrong choice but who can I ask?? It's time to just suck up and suicide as no one is able to rescue me and the sad thing is I want rescued

What's the answer?

Stick a fork in me I'm done
I think the time for me has come
To end this torture
At last
Before I can get anymore bashed

You are torturing me
It's fkn hell
Your making me ill I feel
So unwell
Time to run and not look back
Time to finish this for one last time
As I can't continue on my own just fine

I don't want to be at this place
I really wanted to win this race
But you will always have full control
And I can't do it on my own

Stick a fork in me
Because I am done
Time to leave time to run
Stick a fork in me I am done
My life is over I can't even have fun

But what if I dont want to let you win
How can I do this how do I swim?
What is the answer? What can I do
To get on, get over and get a life without you
Haunting and hurting and keeping it real
Just leave me please just leave me to feel
Content or nothing or even just safe
That's all I want in this place

The nightmare I'm waking

My perfect rock bottom.
I can't live like this anymore
I can't feel like I'm on the floor

You have well and truly fucked me over
I can't let go I can't move on and you know why
Why would I decieve you so.....
Yeah I told I've told my story now
Now what what are you going to do??
Are you gonna stay true?
I'm waiting for you... I'm waiting for you....
I have nothing to fear now
Nothing NADA fuck all
Because the worse you done
You do, anything else will feel like a relief
A break no more of this none

My beautiful trauma, my drug, my fkn end
My perfect rock bottom I'm in control of this part I'll find a way out before you get me of that you can be sure .