I can't do this anymore

I really can't do this anymore
I've tried so hard
I've really really tried
I'm sure people think I'm not trying
I'm sure they have had enough of me and this mess
I know it's cptsd I've read some articles and it all makes sense to me
But how many people can ever get better or over it

I tried to say how bad it is but how do you tell people your seeing him, hearing him, smelling him, feeling him when he is dead
How can you tell someone that when they want you to be over it?
Why can't I get over it? Does that make Pepe think I want this? Who would want this who would want to live 24/7 in a state of fear a state of alarm?
Suggesting it's time i moved on makes me think that they think it's choice? It's not choice why would I choose this.

I really feel like I'm having a mental breakdown, I can't control my anxiety, I won't wash/dress for days on end I can't concentrate, I am losing all functioning and no one seems to believe me ? Or do they think I'm exaggerating when really I'm playing this down so much.

I know the end is gonna come very soon as no one can keep going the way I am. I wanted to say so much but how can I? How do you tell someone how bad this is? I'm losing hours every day dissociated the rest of the time I'm on the edge of the chair ready to run, watching everything round me , my head is full to the brim, it's awful how much control he has over me

I'm exhausted yet so alert im anxious more than I've ever known panic attacks are causing flashbacks, flashbacks are causing panic attacks. Flashbacks are making my anxiety high my anxiety is causing flashbacks, I can't think straight I can't stand up without feeling dizzy,
I can hear creaks that make me jump and waiting on him coming to get me
I feel so much shame and so ashamed like I can't let that go, I feel embarrassed and sick at what I've done with him.
I just keep waiting on him coming to kill me and think it would be easier to do the job for him. I really feel like no one cares and everyone has had enough maybe I'd be doing everyone a favour if I just ended it all for once and for all as I'm clearly not meant to be doing much more. I can't shake that feeling that I'm just a burden on people now and that's not something that I ever want to be 💔