Mental health awareness day- bullshit

I feel like a spoilt teenager having a strop and I really am pissing myself off. I'm going to spend all night going through every scenario in my head til I come up with 'the answer' whatever that may be.

I really can't stop the feeling and it's killing me I've not been able to shake it since last week then something that was said yesterday stuck out to me why do I listen to every scenario why can't I just turn it off it's driving me completely mad and I can't take three weeks of this. I don't know how it feels to have three more hours but three weeks



I wish it would just stop now it's like it knows my insecurities knows what I'm thinking and I can't deal with that no more

But it's not all that bad my whole Facebook are now always there etc and all care now to mental health- bullshit
While they sit in the house and judge disbelieve and play down mental illness. Hypocrites

I feel so let down when I have no right to feel let down

My appt was cancelled today no big deal really things come up, emergencies happen and I think I may have pissed her off too
Only it was my last appt before her A/L and it feels like a big deal
I feel so let down but feel so bad for feeling let down, especially when I know how much time and energy I take from her and it's way more than I should. Especially when I know how much she has done.

But it's not just me
Its them they are telling me all sorts of stuff
I had a feeling yesterday she was going to cancel so wasn't surprised but still felt so let down. Like I know I shouldn't but I do

I have no right to feel let down but I feel like the only person who knows how bad this is how hard this is and how awful this is doesn't want to know anymore.
They have been telling me for weeks I'm not allowed to tell her anymore, I've to stop talking as she doesn't want to know, she doesn't believe
All week they have told me she thinks I'm well and better and I really am not, they told me she doesn't believe she thinks I'm a terrible mum, she juggles with unicini daily, she thinks I'm just a liar I could go on and I've argued and argued and tried bit totbelieve and today when my phone went they laughed at me they repeated all they said for the last week and laughed
It made me sad that they laughed it makes me sad that they may be right, makes me sad that I believe she has just had enough and I feel so lost tonight I wanted to say all this but how do you say all this without sounding totally crazy like actual bat shit crazy...

I know she is pissed that I haven't been taking my meds, well one of them I take the rest religously. But it made me feel like I had no control but not quite the same no control that I have now .I was at crisis point 6 wks ago I have pretended for the last 6 weeks that crisis is over when the truth is I'm drowning,I'm as bad now as I was the day I waved them all off and I dread what this time next week will be like. I'm suffocating and I'm believing too much of what that horrible "shadow" says. I don't want to believe it I truly don't but it's breaking me down it's constant it's waking me it's berating me it's wearing me down but I don't want to loose control of the only thing I had control over- food but in the scheme of it it seems a small sacrafise. I need to give it a go and see how it goes, be super strict and stick to two meals a week nothing at all else maybe I will manage.
I've had the worse day I remember in so long today I really don't want to feel like an abondoned needy person- it's not what i.am or who I am and right now I feel like I've lost the one person I could be honest with I feel like they have spoke to her persuaded her I don't know but I don't like it. I don't know what I'm meant to do. I feel so broken and really wish I could be selfish wish it more than anything else, just for once could be truly selfish then it would be copable.