It never gets easier 😭😭😭

What a fkn 24 hours I've had so so so much needs said but where to start
Was doing some memory work yday finally get this shit sorted it's only been a 20year journey it needs to be over now enough is enough
It's been a crazy numb dissociated crappy year after a short stay in m.h hospital I thought it would get better, it hasn't

Cpn is off unwell and I feel like my life is totally falling apart around me because of it I miss having someone who has my back I miss having someone to sound off too I miss having someone to normalise my crazy I genuinely miss her more than I probably should I hope she is back sooner than later as it's just getting harder. She had promised to support me during these months and as much as I'm still alive I'm only still alive and no more because of my kids n husband I will never ever ever give up because I have them they are more than the past

I'm ready to say everything I've never said but I don't feel I'm doing it at all I'm not doing very well at all it shouldn't be as hard as this I should be able to talk without feeling guilt I should be able to talk without feeling shame it's not my shame or guilt to own it's theres

It's all so much a head melt I wish I could just make it all disappear. Why can't I just make it all disappear I can't live like this much longer dare I say I deserve better than this ,I probably don't but surely I do

Or do I just deserve to be haunted for ever