i cant stop crying
maybe i need to cry
maybe the time has come to cry and stop trying to control it
but then im losing control of my body
and that aint good,
i havent updated things in a wee while,
i just havent felt strong enough to say what i feel
i havent felt strong enough to let my mind walk,
to let my fingers type what i should talk
but i suppose i should do it for some realise,
and it can only help, im just scared
i feel vulnerable,
i feel change is near
i cant really decide what way to take it
but i feel total fear
im sick of people telling me how well im doing
when i know it is bullshit, if they knew they wouldnt say that
people need to look past what i show, then maybe then they will truley know
Im so so scared to love, and i admitted that at last
so it feels a weight off my shoulders, pity i cant do same with the rest,
i know the love ive felt in the past, and it was sore, and scary and i cant give that to anyone else,
why cant anyone understand this,
this was love, this was the only true love i knew,
the only real love i know, he does love me, he did love me
he constantly tells me so, and he told me then what he does today
so please dont tell me to love anyone
maybe you have to learn to truley love yourself before you love anyone else
the trying not to love hurts me more, than loving ever would,
the numbing, the things im missing out on, the things i can not do
why do i have to get better, why couldnt i have continued to numb,
id have got there like many probably do and probably have
i cant believe ive spoken to people about this, said things i dont recall
what the fuck does that say about me,
how can i watch what im saying if i dont know what im saying
thats just not safe,
there were things i wasnt warned about, times when nothing was said,
or times when nice things were said like how much he loved me,
"im not hurting you, dont be silly, your my big girl now, you know how much i love you", "you know we both love you, thats why we want you here"
"your the special girl, the biggest specialist girl in the town"
"trust me silly cookie", "Dont worry i wont let them take you away, it can be our secret and you will be safe"
that doesnt sound like someone being evil, or someone being bad, that is someone who loves me, why is that wrong, why does that have to be wrong and everything else right, why can it not just be that yep that was the way, his way, there way because they loved me and as long as i never love anyone again ill be safe and they will be safe, i dont know why people cant understand that, its just better this way, its not what i want, no way, but its the only way i know, and i expect to much,
if i went to spain and someone had a whole conversation with me in spanish, i wouldnt have a clue, if someone translated it into english id be fine as thats all i know, this is the same,
maybe i need someone to translate for me
or maybe i need to learn bit by bit and do that myself,
I'm fine
Thursday, 18 October 2007
Tuesday, 2 October 2007
and still it continues
Well it is nearly 430am, not only have i not slept,
Ive not even ventured to my room
Im passed sleepy and im wide awake again
My head is full of things i need it not to be full of,
I was thinking earlier am i getting any better
flashbacks are still there,
its the same ones with a few new bits
they are getting no worse but are getting no better
the dreams, if and when i ever sleep are worse
the feeling in the pit of my stomache is so much worse
the self hatred/self loathing is as it should be so no change there
I was chatting to my hv today about anything of no importance
as thats what im good at
the want to die, the feeling of needing to die, the urge to die
is so so strong, im trying to busy myself so i dont feel or think
im trying to be numb and im dissociating as much as i can
I wanted to share that today when i was asked how i felt,
but how can I, How can I possible say that after last time,
What would that mean another letter to the gp,
Once bitten twice shy
I suppose the only time from now on any one will know the truth
about feeling like this, will be when i know ive made enough happy memories
And i succeed
Im getting there, im painting on fun for all, im creating happy memories
and hope that by the time i feel there are enough to look back on that maybe
I will want to make more, and not feel like this,
but i realised that i can write it down and i can talk around it
but untill i actually speak out loud what they done to me
what was said,
what i felt, how i hid it,
how i tried to show it
untill i vocalise all of this can i ever move on
i know ive talked about what happened
though i havent really openly discussed it,
I havent went into a session with my psych and initiated it
I havent detailed what i see, what i hear and untill i do
i can deny it, i dont own it and i am doing what is safe
I was not told if i wrote it down id die,
I was not told if i wrote it down i would be punished
I was not told if i wrote it down i would be disowned
I WAS TOLD THIS WOULD HAPPEN IF I SPOKE
so untill i speak i can never really know
Untill i test it i will always fear it
its ironic though as for the first time in 20+year i have been ready to speak
And i dont know that i will still feel this brave in 2weeks
I NEED TO TALK NOW
how fucked up is that ive had the chance a hundred time
with many chances to talk to my psych and now i want to
now i need to and now i so so have to do this and get rid of all this shit
AND I CANT
I never thought i would feel trust for her,
Never thought i would want to talk to her and
I certainly wouldnt have thought i would miss her
yet this is now turning into a major struggle
its funny how long 4weeks can feel yet a year ago
i would have lapped up a 4week break, thought nothing of it
i suppose there is just no justice
Ive not even ventured to my room
Im passed sleepy and im wide awake again
My head is full of things i need it not to be full of,
I was thinking earlier am i getting any better
flashbacks are still there,
its the same ones with a few new bits
they are getting no worse but are getting no better
the dreams, if and when i ever sleep are worse
the feeling in the pit of my stomache is so much worse
the self hatred/self loathing is as it should be so no change there
I was chatting to my hv today about anything of no importance
as thats what im good at
the want to die, the feeling of needing to die, the urge to die
is so so strong, im trying to busy myself so i dont feel or think
im trying to be numb and im dissociating as much as i can
I wanted to share that today when i was asked how i felt,
but how can I, How can I possible say that after last time,
What would that mean another letter to the gp,
Once bitten twice shy
I suppose the only time from now on any one will know the truth
about feeling like this, will be when i know ive made enough happy memories
And i succeed
Im getting there, im painting on fun for all, im creating happy memories
and hope that by the time i feel there are enough to look back on that maybe
I will want to make more, and not feel like this,
but i realised that i can write it down and i can talk around it
but untill i actually speak out loud what they done to me
what was said,
what i felt, how i hid it,
how i tried to show it
untill i vocalise all of this can i ever move on
i know ive talked about what happened
though i havent really openly discussed it,
I havent went into a session with my psych and initiated it
I havent detailed what i see, what i hear and untill i do
i can deny it, i dont own it and i am doing what is safe
I was not told if i wrote it down id die,
I was not told if i wrote it down i would be punished
I was not told if i wrote it down i would be disowned
I WAS TOLD THIS WOULD HAPPEN IF I SPOKE
so untill i speak i can never really know
Untill i test it i will always fear it
its ironic though as for the first time in 20+year i have been ready to speak
And i dont know that i will still feel this brave in 2weeks
I NEED TO TALK NOW
how fucked up is that ive had the chance a hundred time
with many chances to talk to my psych and now i want to
now i need to and now i so so have to do this and get rid of all this shit
AND I CANT
I never thought i would feel trust for her,
Never thought i would want to talk to her and
I certainly wouldnt have thought i would miss her
yet this is now turning into a major struggle
its funny how long 4weeks can feel yet a year ago
i would have lapped up a 4week break, thought nothing of it
i suppose there is just no justice
Sunday, 30 September 2007
dreams
Why do my dreams have to be nightmares?
Why cant a have a dream?
Why cant i look to the future?
Why can i just see where ive been?
Ive had enough of thinking
Of dreaming the worst i can
Ive had enough of sinking
Depair and depair in despair,
Im sad and lonely and scared
And i want to go to bed
But how can i possible
With all this crap in my head
God I hate the fear
The voice, that voice i hear
I hate the feeling in my stomache
The feeling he is always near
Help me god get through tonight
Tomoro maybe ill fight
I doubt it god,
But maybe you can help me tomoro
TOO
having enough,
head full of this
Need to talk
finally get rid
Maybe if i speak it
It will finally go
Maybe if i speak the memories
Oh god, i dont know
Why cant a have a dream?
Why cant i look to the future?
Why can i just see where ive been?
Ive had enough of thinking
Of dreaming the worst i can
Ive had enough of sinking
Depair and depair in despair,
Im sad and lonely and scared
And i want to go to bed
But how can i possible
With all this crap in my head
God I hate the fear
The voice, that voice i hear
I hate the feeling in my stomache
The feeling he is always near
Help me god get through tonight
Tomoro maybe ill fight
I doubt it god,
But maybe you can help me tomoro
TOO
having enough,
head full of this
Need to talk
finally get rid
Maybe if i speak it
It will finally go
Maybe if i speak the memories
Oh god, i dont know
Tuesday, 25 September 2007
MY HEAD: Whats in it???
My head is mush........
ive tried so much to tell you whats in it
But i cant, i try
I try so so much
so this is probably the easiest way,
Ive written on here so much the last day or two
But then it is easier for me, and everyone else this way
I feel so so sick with the shit thats going on in my head,
The flashbacks are haunting me,
They are taking over every minute, every moment and it is not good,
Im trying not to let them take over, but getting no where,
Ive tried my flashcards, tried to flick my wrist,
Not tried the smelling salts as ive ran out,
But im trying everything else ,everything i know of and getting no where
I feel sick to the stomache with it all
I feel dirty and disgusted with the things i can see, feel, smell and experience,
I feel scared by the voice i hear, telling me how dirty i am,
how awfull i am
how bad i am,
yet other people tell me im caring and im nice and im good and im a good mum
yet he tells me ill never be a good person, ill never be good, ill never be clean
i get what i want, what i ask for and what i dont stop
I try to stop it but i cant, i dont know how to
Im numb with fear when he comes near me, so how can i stop it....
I love him, of course i do, but then you love family dont you, you have no choice,
I want to run away and i want to finish it all now,
I have ideas, of course i do, but then how can i do that, how can i make sure people are ok if im not here to do that,
So im confused, half the time im thinking im four,five maybe even six and i feel so scared that i want it over then the other half the time im here, in the here and now and i know how to make it over but then im a mum, and a good mum would love her kids, not let them grow up to feel the way i do now, and my kids will only grew up screwed up if i left them now, but will they grew up screwed up if i stay anyway who knows??????????
The pit of my stomache feels sick and i just want to lie in a corner and cry and cry and cry, does that make me such a bad person???? Does that make me selfish or sarcastic or lazy or a bitch????
I want to scream and tell people how much im hurting, how scared i am, how much i fear to live like this for much longer, But i cant thats not what im like, i dont like to admit how i feel,
I wish you were my mum sometimes, but then you know that, as you wouldnt have let this happen, you wouldnt have left me and even if it had have happened then now when i feel like this you would give me a cuddle and make it all better as if you were my mum then i wouldnt repulse you, would i???not the way i do with everyone else, i try to make sure the house is clean and im clean and the kids are clean, but the dirt inside cant be washed no matter how much bleach i use, can it???
god this probably has just made you think ive lost it so much more, maybe i have i dunno,
All i know is that this is what is in my head now, right now, and i need to be free from it, even if just for a day or two,
ive tried so much to tell you whats in it
But i cant, i try
I try so so much
so this is probably the easiest way,
Ive written on here so much the last day or two
But then it is easier for me, and everyone else this way
I feel so so sick with the shit thats going on in my head,
The flashbacks are haunting me,
They are taking over every minute, every moment and it is not good,
Im trying not to let them take over, but getting no where,
Ive tried my flashcards, tried to flick my wrist,
Not tried the smelling salts as ive ran out,
But im trying everything else ,everything i know of and getting no where
I feel sick to the stomache with it all
I feel dirty and disgusted with the things i can see, feel, smell and experience,
I feel scared by the voice i hear, telling me how dirty i am,
how awfull i am
how bad i am,
yet other people tell me im caring and im nice and im good and im a good mum
yet he tells me ill never be a good person, ill never be good, ill never be clean
i get what i want, what i ask for and what i dont stop
I try to stop it but i cant, i dont know how to
Im numb with fear when he comes near me, so how can i stop it....
I love him, of course i do, but then you love family dont you, you have no choice,
I want to run away and i want to finish it all now,
I have ideas, of course i do, but then how can i do that, how can i make sure people are ok if im not here to do that,
So im confused, half the time im thinking im four,five maybe even six and i feel so scared that i want it over then the other half the time im here, in the here and now and i know how to make it over but then im a mum, and a good mum would love her kids, not let them grow up to feel the way i do now, and my kids will only grew up screwed up if i left them now, but will they grew up screwed up if i stay anyway who knows??????????
The pit of my stomache feels sick and i just want to lie in a corner and cry and cry and cry, does that make me such a bad person???? Does that make me selfish or sarcastic or lazy or a bitch????
I want to scream and tell people how much im hurting, how scared i am, how much i fear to live like this for much longer, But i cant thats not what im like, i dont like to admit how i feel,
I wish you were my mum sometimes, but then you know that, as you wouldnt have let this happen, you wouldnt have left me and even if it had have happened then now when i feel like this you would give me a cuddle and make it all better as if you were my mum then i wouldnt repulse you, would i???not the way i do with everyone else, i try to make sure the house is clean and im clean and the kids are clean, but the dirt inside cant be washed no matter how much bleach i use, can it???
god this probably has just made you think ive lost it so much more, maybe i have i dunno,
All i know is that this is what is in my head now, right now, and i need to be free from it, even if just for a day or two,
im still here.......
Cant quite believe im still here.....
I honestly thought he would have taken me last night
Im gutted that im still here,
But i suppose i shouldnt be so stupid,
WHY WOULD HE TAKE ME
When he knows thats what i want
I know he says he only done what i wanted,
Ive asked and made sure he know that i wanted to go
And nope im still here, so does that mean he doesnt just do what i want
He does and done what he wanted?????
Surely then that would mean there was no love
If he didnt love me, then it makes it all wrong,
I cant cope with that, with wrong,i cant cope with him being bad,
Me not being bad, i cant cope with that either,
I have to be bad, i have to be in the wrong, or everything i know is wrong,
And that just is not good,
i gave him the chance last night, to prove he only does what i want
saying that i didnt really want to go, doesnt prove nothing
Only i know that, only i know wether i truley do or dont,
I KNOW i dont want him in my life anymore, in my head, talking to me,
but he is still there, so he doesnt just do what i want.....
I need someone to help me and help me soon as im slipping into the hole
the pit and ive lost the grip with my finger tips, the grip has went
So i will ask again, and again and when he allows it, then he will do as he needs
WONT HE, OR WILL HE???????????????????
I need to leave this world behind and hopefully keep a watchfull eye over all that matter from afar.
But im so so scared, if it is taken out my hand and he does it for me, makes it happen then it will be so so much easier on everyone else,
But that just aint gonna happen, is it??
Am i kidding myself thinking he has this power????
But if i am, then what does all this mean,
I cant block him out, yet i cant listen to him allways,
when he says such horrible things,
I know im not a nice girl, i know i wanted it,
he doesnt have to tell me this all the time, it doesnt change anything
so it is pointless, aint it???
or is it???
Im so confused, wish i was here alone, then i could do what was needed,
I have to think of everyone else all the time, and if i was a selfish lazy bitch like somepeople believe i would have went by now, ran or done,
i cant believe im still here, but i am, so i need to just sort it, get on with this as this is obviously what im going to be left with, isnt it
I honestly thought he would have taken me last night
Im gutted that im still here,
But i suppose i shouldnt be so stupid,
WHY WOULD HE TAKE ME
When he knows thats what i want
I know he says he only done what i wanted,
Ive asked and made sure he know that i wanted to go
And nope im still here, so does that mean he doesnt just do what i want
He does and done what he wanted?????
Surely then that would mean there was no love
If he didnt love me, then it makes it all wrong,
I cant cope with that, with wrong,i cant cope with him being bad,
Me not being bad, i cant cope with that either,
I have to be bad, i have to be in the wrong, or everything i know is wrong,
And that just is not good,
i gave him the chance last night, to prove he only does what i want
saying that i didnt really want to go, doesnt prove nothing
Only i know that, only i know wether i truley do or dont,
I KNOW i dont want him in my life anymore, in my head, talking to me,
but he is still there, so he doesnt just do what i want.....
I need someone to help me and help me soon as im slipping into the hole
the pit and ive lost the grip with my finger tips, the grip has went
So i will ask again, and again and when he allows it, then he will do as he needs
WONT HE, OR WILL HE???????????????????
I need to leave this world behind and hopefully keep a watchfull eye over all that matter from afar.
But im so so scared, if it is taken out my hand and he does it for me, makes it happen then it will be so so much easier on everyone else,
But that just aint gonna happen, is it??
Am i kidding myself thinking he has this power????
But if i am, then what does all this mean,
I cant block him out, yet i cant listen to him allways,
when he says such horrible things,
I know im not a nice girl, i know i wanted it,
he doesnt have to tell me this all the time, it doesnt change anything
so it is pointless, aint it???
or is it???
Im so confused, wish i was here alone, then i could do what was needed,
I have to think of everyone else all the time, and if i was a selfish lazy bitch like somepeople believe i would have went by now, ran or done,
i cant believe im still here, but i am, so i need to just sort it, get on with this as this is obviously what im going to be left with, isnt it
Monday, 24 September 2007
god almighty can i go on much more
You know i swear there is a force
It is out to get me and it is doing such a god job that it will win soon
I feel so so crap,
I had my hv over today, what would i do without this women I truly dont know
Sometimes i see her like a confident, a mum, a gaurdian angel,
Sometimes i see her as hell as i keep my word to her then im here aint i
Going through hell everyday, so if she cared she wouldnt want that,
God i dont know
I was ready to talk and to tell her how mad i felt, how bad i felt, how much the stories in the paper, in the magazines are freaking me out,
Ill never live if it comes out, not like this,
Ive tried to think of it as coincidence, but how can I
the place is the same the time is the same, surely that cant be coincidence
surely surely not,
Im so scared to go on thinking anymore
I wanted to talk today, god i truley did,
But the forces work against me, they always do,
I know im not meant to talk, but maybe i need to, maybe someone somewhere, sometime
I just have too,
I cant waite another week, how can I?
Will i even be here in a week?
The touching me in my sleep, the touching me when im awake
The torturing my mind, traumitizing me when im trying to take out my kids
Its not fair anymore, Im keeping him alive, thats what they tell me, without me there would be no him, so why am i staying, why am I allowing him to go on,
If i had the courage to heal, id have the courage to end it all
In that id be healing me, helping my hv and psych move on in there lives
without worrying of me,
Helping my kids have the life they deserve getting to nursery, swimming, skating, softplay, toys in the house, toys over running the house, messy play, anyplay, but they would be getting what they want and need and they would get all that without me,
I would get peace, serenity, and what else do i need and he would get destroyed
once and for all he would be over, ended and forgot about
As if im the only thing keeping him alive then WHY???
He is the only thing keeping me here in this sory state too,
So without him, would mean without me, but it would mean safety for everyone else
Im so confused, ive never felt so scared and confused for so long
They do really know, they bloody well do,
How could they, i really want more now than ever before, hv or psych to walk in here
and give me a cuddle like im not dirt im not shit but im scared im alone and im a little girl just needing a mum or someone to care, is that so so much to ask,
IS IT SO SO HARD TO ASK
i know beurocracy has gone mad in the world we live in, workers protect themseles again and again, but is that really all it is, or am i so so repulsive,
I am I know I am,
id be so better off in no where, i dont deserve heaven nor hell,. though nothing would be fine, im used to numb and nothing and i can cope with that
anyone who reads this and knows where Im at, then i truley am sorry for you
Anyone who reads this and knows where im going, then im sorry for you too, sorry i couldnt stick around and change the path
x.x.x
thanks
It is out to get me and it is doing such a god job that it will win soon
I feel so so crap,
I had my hv over today, what would i do without this women I truly dont know
Sometimes i see her like a confident, a mum, a gaurdian angel,
Sometimes i see her as hell as i keep my word to her then im here aint i
Going through hell everyday, so if she cared she wouldnt want that,
God i dont know
I was ready to talk and to tell her how mad i felt, how bad i felt, how much the stories in the paper, in the magazines are freaking me out,
Ill never live if it comes out, not like this,
Ive tried to think of it as coincidence, but how can I
the place is the same the time is the same, surely that cant be coincidence
surely surely not,
Im so scared to go on thinking anymore
I wanted to talk today, god i truley did,
But the forces work against me, they always do,
I know im not meant to talk, but maybe i need to, maybe someone somewhere, sometime
I just have too,
I cant waite another week, how can I?
Will i even be here in a week?
The touching me in my sleep, the touching me when im awake
The torturing my mind, traumitizing me when im trying to take out my kids
Its not fair anymore, Im keeping him alive, thats what they tell me, without me there would be no him, so why am i staying, why am I allowing him to go on,
If i had the courage to heal, id have the courage to end it all
In that id be healing me, helping my hv and psych move on in there lives
without worrying of me,
Helping my kids have the life they deserve getting to nursery, swimming, skating, softplay, toys in the house, toys over running the house, messy play, anyplay, but they would be getting what they want and need and they would get all that without me,
I would get peace, serenity, and what else do i need and he would get destroyed
once and for all he would be over, ended and forgot about
As if im the only thing keeping him alive then WHY???
He is the only thing keeping me here in this sory state too,
So without him, would mean without me, but it would mean safety for everyone else
Im so confused, ive never felt so scared and confused for so long
They do really know, they bloody well do,
How could they, i really want more now than ever before, hv or psych to walk in here
and give me a cuddle like im not dirt im not shit but im scared im alone and im a little girl just needing a mum or someone to care, is that so so much to ask,
IS IT SO SO HARD TO ASK
i know beurocracy has gone mad in the world we live in, workers protect themseles again and again, but is that really all it is, or am i so so repulsive,
I am I know I am,
id be so better off in no where, i dont deserve heaven nor hell,. though nothing would be fine, im used to numb and nothing and i can cope with that
anyone who reads this and knows where Im at, then i truley am sorry for you
Anyone who reads this and knows where im going, then im sorry for you too, sorry i couldnt stick around and change the path
x.x.x
thanks
Tuesday, 18 September 2007
Thursday, 13 September 2007
it seemed like so far away....then its gone
I cant believe today has been and gone,
today is the day that was decided on some time ago as d-day
My final appointment, the end of my journey
Yet sitting here now it feels like the beginning of the journey,
Tomoro i should have been going on a holiday, Sunday i should have been celebrating
HOW CAN I????
Holiday was cancelled, my birthday is partially cancelled,
The extended family are all out of speaking with me, and liking me
So no cards from them, my hubbie doesnt have to bother as i treated myself and told him not too
And who else will there be
I dont want a fuss as i dont want to think
Another year wasted, another year stolen, another year of UNCONDITIONAL love on my side
NO ONE ELSES
Another year of being controlled, another year of no control
Another year of fear, tears and scared little me
So why go through it, why celebrate it, Ill get the visit or two
From those that really care, those that see my pain and support me regardless
The rest aint worth it,
I still cant believe the things i was told today, just made me analyse and think tonight,
Is that why today was to be the end??? to enable them to go no bother.
I feel fearfull that the one day will go to no day soon and then, yep he was right,
NEXT TO GO
all afternoon he told me how bad i was, how much she didnt care about me, thats why she said the lies she did, How much i did want it, so why deny it, why allow lies to be printed by saying it was for him that i wanted to belive that, he knew it was me that wanted it, he told me so
I dont know head is a pile of mush but hey better than worse i suppose
today is the day that was decided on some time ago as d-day
My final appointment, the end of my journey
Yet sitting here now it feels like the beginning of the journey,
Tomoro i should have been going on a holiday, Sunday i should have been celebrating
HOW CAN I????
Holiday was cancelled, my birthday is partially cancelled,
The extended family are all out of speaking with me, and liking me
So no cards from them, my hubbie doesnt have to bother as i treated myself and told him not too
And who else will there be
I dont want a fuss as i dont want to think
Another year wasted, another year stolen, another year of UNCONDITIONAL love on my side
NO ONE ELSES
Another year of being controlled, another year of no control
Another year of fear, tears and scared little me
So why go through it, why celebrate it, Ill get the visit or two
From those that really care, those that see my pain and support me regardless
The rest aint worth it,
I still cant believe the things i was told today, just made me analyse and think tonight,
Is that why today was to be the end??? to enable them to go no bother.
I feel fearfull that the one day will go to no day soon and then, yep he was right,
NEXT TO GO
all afternoon he told me how bad i was, how much she didnt care about me, thats why she said the lies she did, How much i did want it, so why deny it, why allow lies to be printed by saying it was for him that i wanted to belive that, he knew it was me that wanted it, he told me so
I dont know head is a pile of mush but hey better than worse i suppose
Thursday, 6 September 2007
scared.........alone.........sad...........
I dont know how i feel,
Im tired
But im wide awake,
There is no way ill sleep tonight now
Its so annoying and so infuriating
Im getting really scared,
Scared of what the next week will bring
Scared that when the time comes to talk more
Ill not be able too
Scared ill always feel scared
Scared to change from all i know
I feel like im making a move
Im accepting things more,
Im accepting that whats happened, happened
And me staying silent, protects lots
but it changes nothing
So thats good, thats a change at least
I cant except im not to blame
I want too, i need too and i have too
for my sake, for sanity and for a point in life
BUT I CANT
I cant erase 20+ years of thoughts, though im trying
I cant ignore what he is saying, ive tried and it just makes him say more
I cant betray and i cant risk
Ive been on a journey for ages now
Its not been an easy journey,
And its really only beginning,
There are lots ahead, but i need to face it
I NEED TO TAKE THIS JOURNEY
or the hurt, the fear, the upset, the shit ive felt so far
have been for nothing
I really want to go to sleep
But i cant
I tried NO CHEMICALS, but still the flashbacks,
I felt more sad, more scared, more panicked and more suicidal
But i tried and i will try,
Ive felt like writing things down, but i dont know what to write
I never used to think what i wrote, but now i feel i need to think
If there is a structure to the writing it serves purpose,
So ive just not written, though at least the next time i need to talk
There is a baseline to start at already
Im glad i done that as i probably would do little, or as little as allowed
And that just hurts me more, angers me more, and makes me pissed off at myself
Im waffling now, waffling rubbish,
Wish i could let my head go on holiday, it needs it,
The confusion, betrayal and fear inside me is so much that my head feels ready to burst
Hey if only,
Its weird how when you feel like you are ready, you feel you have started to talk and you feel real, REAL trust for the first time ever, it feels like forever before you can speak again,
yet when you dont want to talk and you are struggling to trust the time goes by so much quicker,
I really need this next week to go in quicker than the last
Or maybe my head will explode,
Im tired
But im wide awake,
There is no way ill sleep tonight now
Its so annoying and so infuriating
Im getting really scared,
Scared of what the next week will bring
Scared that when the time comes to talk more
Ill not be able too
Scared ill always feel scared
Scared to change from all i know
I feel like im making a move
Im accepting things more,
Im accepting that whats happened, happened
And me staying silent, protects lots
but it changes nothing
So thats good, thats a change at least
I cant except im not to blame
I want too, i need too and i have too
for my sake, for sanity and for a point in life
BUT I CANT
I cant erase 20+ years of thoughts, though im trying
I cant ignore what he is saying, ive tried and it just makes him say more
I cant betray and i cant risk
Ive been on a journey for ages now
Its not been an easy journey,
And its really only beginning,
There are lots ahead, but i need to face it
I NEED TO TAKE THIS JOURNEY
or the hurt, the fear, the upset, the shit ive felt so far
have been for nothing
I really want to go to sleep
But i cant
I tried NO CHEMICALS, but still the flashbacks,
I felt more sad, more scared, more panicked and more suicidal
But i tried and i will try,
Ive felt like writing things down, but i dont know what to write
I never used to think what i wrote, but now i feel i need to think
If there is a structure to the writing it serves purpose,
So ive just not written, though at least the next time i need to talk
There is a baseline to start at already
Im glad i done that as i probably would do little, or as little as allowed
And that just hurts me more, angers me more, and makes me pissed off at myself
Im waffling now, waffling rubbish,
Wish i could let my head go on holiday, it needs it,
The confusion, betrayal and fear inside me is so much that my head feels ready to burst
Hey if only,
Its weird how when you feel like you are ready, you feel you have started to talk and you feel real, REAL trust for the first time ever, it feels like forever before you can speak again,
yet when you dont want to talk and you are struggling to trust the time goes by so much quicker,
I really need this next week to go in quicker than the last
Or maybe my head will explode,
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About Me
- a survivor.... or so they say
- Im a women who is slowly learning to survive, who is taking a journey into the past in order to gain a future. I have ptsd, bpd and suicidal ideation. I often wander if i would have any of that if it wasn't for the mess, the past.