Ramblings from my head

Im so so tired,
Im exhausted
Im drained
Im hurting
Im sore
The reality
The shame

I want to go
Never return
Not be a daughter
Not be a mum
Get rid of the past
Get rid of it all
Be nothing
If i cant be it all

Help me escape
No matter what it takes
Take me away
To a place that im free
He is killing me slowley
Like he said he would
With his threats, his noise
His mouth of abuse

I shouldnt bad mouth
I shouldnt listen to others
They "didnt know me" he says
They "dont know you"
"youre evil" "your dirty"
comments on cue

Im trying to ignore
But for how long, how more
Im trying to disapear
But he will get me i fear
I need to run
Anway from it all
Or get so low
That i can not fall

But i know its true
And thats whats worse
Ill get through this
No matter what

So ill do the work,
Ill take the plunge
And pray he wont get me
Ill judge it then
What i need to do
Ill play by ear and waite and see
But ive had enough of all this shit
Or being a little girl, his little bit

Im scared
Im confused
But i know its needed
For me to have a break
I need to speak,
talk his talk,
i need to repeat
hes warned me not to,
but she assures me ill be fine
so im trusting her,
and no longer will i hide,


Just need to take big deep breaths

Im in a daze

I dont know where i have been today,
Ive had 24hours or more of being afraid
Its been constant, solid, not with a break
What have i done to deserve this, fuck sake

Ive been scared so much
Ive just went away
Ive dissociated for all of the day

I feel numb now, shit now
What is the point
Of life, of living
When ive just been a toy

How could he tell me it was all about me
When know i realise that i shouldnt have believed
The reality of it all has hit me too hard
That i feel shame, ashamed, and sad

Why me, why me why did i have to be
Put with these people who wanted to use me
They told me im bad, they tell me it now
Naughty, dirty but loved, not a cow

Yet they didnt love me like they said
They werent thinking of me when they were in my bed
They were thinking of them, and what they could get
not me, not me or what they have left

Im angry at me for believing it all
for not seeing the truth for not knowing at all
I was never loved, not once by no one at all
So what was the point of me being here, to fall

Im scared and angry that now its all over
I need to believe that i was just there rover
there dog, there bitch there bit to use
There torture, there fun, there thing to abuse

Where was the love if it wasnt from him
It was no where, from no one,
Everyone was born to be loved,
Its a shame no one knew,
That i was so wrong that they just couldnt do

I must be the worst the worst the worst in the world
the terrible person i sometimes was told,
"Im doing it for you, because i love you"
"Dont tell anyone they would just be jeoulous"
Oh how fuckin stupid,
I should have listened to him, when he was drunk and angry
"I hate you, your naughty" "you deserve what you get"
"You can not tell or ill make you forget"
He has told me this all day, he has made me so scared,
Hes told me he will hurt me for doubting his love
I can not cope with the pressure he is putting on me
so im disapearing as much as i can

rock bottom

ive finally done it,
its official
i thought id done it before,
but little did i know i hadnt
well ive done it now
ive hit it
ive really hit rock bottom,
when i stop doing things even for a second
there is only one thing i want to do
when i close my eyes theres only one person there
when i open them, he is still there,
i try not to hear, but its there
i try not to listen but i need too
i fear not doing it

Im exhausted ive hardly slept
i want to roll up into a ball and die
i wish i could do this, i really wish i could
things that keep me going, arent keeping me going anymore
im just trying to keep busy but not working now
i thought i was getting better then all this has happened,
i knew i wasnt better, i knew i had a lot of work to do
but i never for one minute thought i would end up in this sorry state
i see too much now, i dont want to see it,
i dont want to hear it,
but he wont leave me alone,
i cant cope with the torture for much longer,
will this ever stop, without me stopping,
how much longer do i go on trying before i give up???
how long is too long,
or not long enough
i dont know anymore,

where is everyone?????????????????

when you need someone no one is near
when you shout someone no one can hear
yet when he stops you from talking
there everywhere,

do i want to find someone to stop me
or am i glad that no one can
its weird i make a promise
i keep my word

ive phoned, who else can i phone,
but no one is there, so i tried to keep my promise
havent i,
ive tried to keep my word and not do something "stupid"
yet its the least "stupid" thing to do,
one more person i can phone and then thats that,
no one can say i didnt try, no one can say i broke a promise,
no one can say i didnt keep my word,
because i have, i really bloody have,
what more can i do,
what can i do,
maybe it was always meant to be this way, and end this way,
i dont know, maybe just maybe a greater force is showing me what way it is i need to turn to next and we all know he aint a force to be reckoned with,
he aint a force to be messed with, he gets what he wants, no matter how he gets it,

this song

My daughter has this song in her playlist,
i was listening to it today,
i was crying with it today
and i feel it is so true to how i feel
it is a kelly clarkson song, because of you"

Because of you
I never stray too far from the sidewalk
Because of you
I learned to play on the safe side so I don't get hurt
Because of you
I find it hard to trust not only me, but everyone around me
Because of you
I am afraid

I lose my way
And it's not too long before you point it out
I cannot cry
Because I know that's weakness in your eyes
I'm forced to fake
A smile, a laugh everyday of my life
My heart can't possibly break
When it wasn't even whole to start with

Because of you
I never stray too far from the sidewalk
Because of you
I learned to play on the safe side so I don't get hurt
Because of you
I find it hard to trust not only me, but everyone around me
Because of you
I am afraid

I watched you die
I heard you cry every night in your sleep
I was so young
You should have known better than to lean on me
You never thought of anyone else
You just saw your pain
And now I cry in the middle of the nightFor the same damn thing

how true, i do not trust, i do not love, i do not care and all i feel is fear
and it is only because of you, your friends and family,
why me??????????????????????????????

its been a while

Its been a while since i wrote on this
why???
because when i write here, its real
I need to admit how bad things are
I truley dont know how ill make it through this,
im now plummiting to below rock bottom
though what can i do about it,

i want it all to end
I can see the long way and i can see the short cut
i just dont know which way to take
i know the short cut, is the cowards way out,
i know the long way is a road ive never travelled before,
maybe thats why i wasnt aware of how rocky it would be

I need to blame, i know i need to blame
i cant get passed this in my head, im stuck
i cant do it, how can i possible do it,
i need to talk to someone NOW, is that not always the way
I saw my hv yesterday and told her i was fine, and hashed round the houses,
as i do so so well

How can i do anything else,
can i really tell her i want to run away
i hate living this shitey existence every day
i fear for what is ahead, more so i fear what is behind
I was at the hospital last week, for a small procedure
And i have been so freaked out since then,
ive been a child more than an adult,
I fear everything, im jumping at the least wee thing,
I read an article last week, and the major jumpiness was noted in the article
which made me feel better but it didnt stop the jumping,

Im so highly strung, ive self harmed for the first time in so so long
i feel such a failure for doing it,
but i had to i was so so angry, with me, with that wee girl i am
that wee girl i once was, that gullable little tart that has made me so,
so i cut her, and let her bleed and felt her pain, and let her feel the pain,
the pain that i feel everyday, the sore that i feel everyday, though now i could
see it, it was there,
the shame i feel, the shame that i am, then i could see this too,
as there is nothing more shamefull than a cut leg, to make you feel worse,
and thats what i deserve, is it not,

he told me, that my psych thinks im as bad as him,
she told me she doesnt,
who do i believe, i know who i want to believe,
but how can i, when i need to believe everything he tells me
DO YOU KNOW WHAT HAPPENS IF YOU DONT????????

god im tired

Why is it when im so tired i can never sleep
the powers that be make sure of that
Its so infuriating, so annoying
and pisses me off soo much,

Im tired, i feel sick
im just sick and tired of always being sick and tired,
Ive had enough of having enough

Big deep breaths needed
big brave deeo breaths
and ill get through another say,
ill get through today
and i can fight again
and breath again tomorow

cry cry cry

Ive hid the day away,
ive wished the day away
i stayed in bed and slept the day away,

Why do i have to do this,
Im so so tired, i feel sick
Ive had enough of feeling shit,

I dont want to be near people,
I think they know
thay can see what ive been hiding
they will think im a ?????

I give out the vibe now
Theres no where to hide now
Ive told things and started the ball rolling
so ive to expect to get a public mauling

I know they are all disgusted
They think im dirty
But i try to be nice and try to be friendly
But why be friends with me???

The horrible, dirty, bad and naughty me
I wouldnt want to be my friend either
I wouldnt want to know me either,
so i blame no one, how can i?????

I feel pretty scared
But i need to go to bed
Ill put on the tunes
Try and block out my head,

When will i be a survivor and not one in the making???
Will it ever happen, will i ever be saved
can i handle the pain, the fear and the hurt
that might get me there?????????????????????????

i need to speak

i must have said this same sentance a hundred times
i must have said it so much in the last week or two
I NEED TO SPEAK, I WANT TO SPEAK, I NEED TO SEE IF SPEAKING WILL EMPTY MY HEAD
I CANT HELP, MAYBE THERE COMES A TIME, IS THIS WHAT HAPPENS TO EVERYONE?????
DO THEY TELL IN BITS N BOBS, DO THEY SPEAK IN PUZZLES, DO THEY WORK ON BITS,
THEN BEFORE THEY CAN WORK ON ANYMORE THEY KNOW THEY NEED TO FINALLY SAY IT AND SAY IT ALL.............
BUT THEN WHAT, i know what you told me to say nothing, or i know what would happen ive lived to long like this, or ive existed too long like this, that without it ill never know, i know what you are saying to me just now, shhhhhhhhhhhhhh
but i cant im so so sorry, g, i just cant, do what you have too do, but its time that i need to, as my head feels like its gonna explode anytime soon, i know i can hear you tell me not to, but im trying to block you out, i can see what you are meaning
but ive been like this too long,
and no more is it just for me,

im sorry i cant, i just cant, im trying but ive tried and im so so sorry for betraying you, it doesnt mean im bad, its just what i need to do:

im devastated

I cant believe im having to go off line
this pc has to go back to its owner and mine is still broke
i dont know how long ill be internetless for,
though i know ill never cope,
this IS A SAFE WAY TO COPE
I know that now, it is the safest way i know
How will i ever get rid of some of what is going on if i cant do this
How can i ever explain some of how i feel if i dont have this
Ill be left to self harm, hybernate and let it build up inside me
It may be short term or it may be for longer,
But ill never manage and ill never cope
This is the only way i know
My head is wasted as it is just now, and im scared
scared of what im going to hear next week
scared of what it is i have shared
but i need to hear it, i need to know and i need this to be more real
I need to talk, I NEED TO SAY/SPEAK AND VOCALISE
it all but ill be prepared for all that,
Ill take my music, ill take my cover to hide,
Ill take lots of deep breaths and ill try not to be too scared
Ill try to stay in the present when i talk of the past
I need to remember what age i am
Not let myself forget
people keep saying im safe now, yet ive never felt so unsafe in my life
im rememebering how scarey it really was and i need to remember that it shouldnt be now, but how can i do that
i try to explain that it isnt in the past it is so so much the hear and now
but people just dont understand that,
i always knew i was different, always knew i wasnt the same
maybe thats why no one understands me, why no one else hears
though i think they dont want to hear,
or dont want to admitt that they hear, maybe they do hear what he is saying
maybe they fear it too, but maybe they just cant accept it, or dont want to accept it
Im so scared that i will lose the plot without my internet
i was told today that millions live without it,
and i do not doubt that, but these same millions probably never had it
these same millions probably dont need it the way i do
im scared that it will be too hard,
im scared that im gonna give up,
though i have took some pills before and im still here, so that wont work next time
Im scared that ive said too much that he is just waiting
im so so stuck in a rut, waiting on him coming to get me, though he is torturing me and taking his time
though if i go and get him then he has won, ive saved him and ill never know
ohhh i dont know how ill manage or how ill cope though i do know it wont be easy
it wont be productive and no doubt it wont be safe,
i wish i didnt know, i wish i didnt have to waite, i wish i could hybernate.......