still

im still awake,
ive sat at the computer just looking at it
Not doing anything,
just thinking
But ive been here now for 4hours,
Not so productive
Im so tired im over awake,
i hate this bit

Ive been avoiding everything possible today
Ive not really seen my children
Ive been there physically but ive not really been there
Its so unfair on them, its so unfair on me

But whats the other option?
To stay around in the room,
watch them play
What do i do, what do i say
I dont know,

im just so confused just now,
so trying to smile, be happy for the world to see
Trying to pretend, trying to forget, be "me"
Why cant i do it no more,
Is that even so hard,

Im going to crawl into a book for an hour,
If i am allowed, unless he gets involved again
disturbs and gets real load,
Ive still no mp3, and i cant get that one to work
So im stuck to listen when i dont want
As i cant turn music up load,
But i dont know how much more of it i can hear
I know im not allowed
I knew i shouldt have talked
I knew i shouldnt have spoken
I know ive done the biggest crim
And a promise i have broken

Oh god i never thought of that
Its something i would never do
You give you word to someone
Youre word you must be true
Oh no that makes it all the worse
I cant believe i never thought
I cant believe theve let me tell
Well know i know ill rot
I dont want to go away for ever
I dont want to not be a friend
I just wanted to stop the laughing
The smile, the jokes the pretence
I want someone to share with me
the mess ive got inside
I didnt do it to hurt
i done it to survive
Im sorry for betraying my word
its not something i would do
But i really was thinking of me
Not of harming you
SOrry
im going to switch this pc off now as im rattling and rattling on
and i dont like talking when im not thinking
as then i say way too much
plus i really need to rest my eyes
not sleep im not giving into that one yet,
but just to rest and listen for the steps,

Crashhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

I think im gonna crash
Ive been so uptight all day
On edge, to be expected i suppose,
But how is it, it is now after 2am
And im still wide awake,
No point going to bed now, is there
I hate this part, the being awake,
the stuff all swirling round and round in my head,
Ive read my letter again, then ive re-read
I even had a smile when i read it once
And a dry eye
Well nearly


The flashbacks have been so much better today
Its like that big part of my head
Is switched off as easy as a tiny wee switch
If only that meant i had a good day,
No it didnt there where still other things to contend with
But its a start i suppose,
But then tomoro i can do the same
The next probably again
Then by sunday it will be CRASH
as there comes a limit, and by then ill have reached mine,
So it will be back to bed,
Back to me
And back to hide,
Maybe thats all the relief im allowed
Maybe thats all the hate he can hide
If only i knew then maybe id know what to do

But i dont know, and i dont know if i ever will
Will i ever want to be "ME" in this big world
If he wont control me, and he cant say
Then who will say what happens to me today
God i think im even confusing myself more,
idiot that i am
but i suppose better to be hung for a sheep
as a lamb!!!!!!!!!!

Unhappy New Year

I cant believe New Year has been and gone
I cant quite believe we are in 2008
Im not in 2008,
Im so stuck in 1988
Or even before,
So twenty years wasted,
But what is time
time is a healer???
Is it fuck
Time is a reminder
Maybe it is,
Time is the enemy
Yes it is

Ive been tortured for days now
Ive had flashbacks for ever
Some of them are lasting for so long
Some of them are lasting too long
I could cope when they werent so long,
When they came in bits and bobs
But a full picture, a full episode
In a oner, im not coping with,
I decided to be an arse, buy some whizz
Im disgusted with myself
For not giving up, for not saying no
But i had to, i couldnt take no more
Or the images, the flashes, the pictures in my head
Ive tried to hide and run and spent all yesterday
Cuddled up in my bed,
But its not helping, they where still there
THERE TAKING OVER MY HEAD
So im gonna take some, forget for a while
And get on with my life
Get back to 2008,
Back to being, an adult, a mother and a wife

tired, tired, tired,

God im so tired,
I cant sleep
He wont let me
Ive had sick kids
All week,
I dont need his sickness now
I cant take his torture
I cant handle the pain

I hate feeling shame
I hate feeling blame,
If i cant blame me
Who do i blame???

I read a letter today
Clever or wot
I cried a little
Though not with they thoughts
Ive never been praised as much
As i felt in one line
To think someone,
Thinks ill be fine

Its a good feeling
One i want to hold
But i cant im not aloud
And i do what im told
Im rambling rubbish
So im sorry for that

But its the only way
I can get rid of this and that
I dont want to hear
What he can say
My mp3 broke tonight,
So i need to listen to his shite,

I said today, that it helped me so much,
Got one more song, now its use is no such
They say he has no power
I say that shows it all
He wants to make sure i hear him
He wants to makes sure i know
What he is gonna do
To his stupid little hoe

Ramblings from my head

Im so so tired,
Im exhausted
Im drained
Im hurting
Im sore
The reality
The shame

I want to go
Never return
Not be a daughter
Not be a mum
Get rid of the past
Get rid of it all
Be nothing
If i cant be it all

Help me escape
No matter what it takes
Take me away
To a place that im free
He is killing me slowley
Like he said he would
With his threats, his noise
His mouth of abuse

I shouldnt bad mouth
I shouldnt listen to others
They "didnt know me" he says
They "dont know you"
"youre evil" "your dirty"
comments on cue

Im trying to ignore
But for how long, how more
Im trying to disapear
But he will get me i fear
I need to run
Anway from it all
Or get so low
That i can not fall

But i know its true
And thats whats worse
Ill get through this
No matter what

So ill do the work,
Ill take the plunge
And pray he wont get me
Ill judge it then
What i need to do
Ill play by ear and waite and see
But ive had enough of all this shit
Or being a little girl, his little bit

Im scared
Im confused
But i know its needed
For me to have a break
I need to speak,
talk his talk,
i need to repeat
hes warned me not to,
but she assures me ill be fine
so im trusting her,
and no longer will i hide,


Just need to take big deep breaths

Im in a daze

I dont know where i have been today,
Ive had 24hours or more of being afraid
Its been constant, solid, not with a break
What have i done to deserve this, fuck sake

Ive been scared so much
Ive just went away
Ive dissociated for all of the day

I feel numb now, shit now
What is the point
Of life, of living
When ive just been a toy

How could he tell me it was all about me
When know i realise that i shouldnt have believed
The reality of it all has hit me too hard
That i feel shame, ashamed, and sad

Why me, why me why did i have to be
Put with these people who wanted to use me
They told me im bad, they tell me it now
Naughty, dirty but loved, not a cow

Yet they didnt love me like they said
They werent thinking of me when they were in my bed
They were thinking of them, and what they could get
not me, not me or what they have left

Im angry at me for believing it all
for not seeing the truth for not knowing at all
I was never loved, not once by no one at all
So what was the point of me being here, to fall

Im scared and angry that now its all over
I need to believe that i was just there rover
there dog, there bitch there bit to use
There torture, there fun, there thing to abuse

Where was the love if it wasnt from him
It was no where, from no one,
Everyone was born to be loved,
Its a shame no one knew,
That i was so wrong that they just couldnt do

I must be the worst the worst the worst in the world
the terrible person i sometimes was told,
"Im doing it for you, because i love you"
"Dont tell anyone they would just be jeoulous"
Oh how fuckin stupid,
I should have listened to him, when he was drunk and angry
"I hate you, your naughty" "you deserve what you get"
"You can not tell or ill make you forget"
He has told me this all day, he has made me so scared,
Hes told me he will hurt me for doubting his love
I can not cope with the pressure he is putting on me
so im disapearing as much as i can

rock bottom

ive finally done it,
its official
i thought id done it before,
but little did i know i hadnt
well ive done it now
ive hit it
ive really hit rock bottom,
when i stop doing things even for a second
there is only one thing i want to do
when i close my eyes theres only one person there
when i open them, he is still there,
i try not to hear, but its there
i try not to listen but i need too
i fear not doing it

Im exhausted ive hardly slept
i want to roll up into a ball and die
i wish i could do this, i really wish i could
things that keep me going, arent keeping me going anymore
im just trying to keep busy but not working now
i thought i was getting better then all this has happened,
i knew i wasnt better, i knew i had a lot of work to do
but i never for one minute thought i would end up in this sorry state
i see too much now, i dont want to see it,
i dont want to hear it,
but he wont leave me alone,
i cant cope with the torture for much longer,
will this ever stop, without me stopping,
how much longer do i go on trying before i give up???
how long is too long,
or not long enough
i dont know anymore,

where is everyone?????????????????

when you need someone no one is near
when you shout someone no one can hear
yet when he stops you from talking
there everywhere,

do i want to find someone to stop me
or am i glad that no one can
its weird i make a promise
i keep my word

ive phoned, who else can i phone,
but no one is there, so i tried to keep my promise
havent i,
ive tried to keep my word and not do something "stupid"
yet its the least "stupid" thing to do,
one more person i can phone and then thats that,
no one can say i didnt try, no one can say i broke a promise,
no one can say i didnt keep my word,
because i have, i really bloody have,
what more can i do,
what can i do,
maybe it was always meant to be this way, and end this way,
i dont know, maybe just maybe a greater force is showing me what way it is i need to turn to next and we all know he aint a force to be reckoned with,
he aint a force to be messed with, he gets what he wants, no matter how he gets it,

this song

My daughter has this song in her playlist,
i was listening to it today,
i was crying with it today
and i feel it is so true to how i feel
it is a kelly clarkson song, because of you"

Because of you
I never stray too far from the sidewalk
Because of you
I learned to play on the safe side so I don't get hurt
Because of you
I find it hard to trust not only me, but everyone around me
Because of you
I am afraid

I lose my way
And it's not too long before you point it out
I cannot cry
Because I know that's weakness in your eyes
I'm forced to fake
A smile, a laugh everyday of my life
My heart can't possibly break
When it wasn't even whole to start with

Because of you
I never stray too far from the sidewalk
Because of you
I learned to play on the safe side so I don't get hurt
Because of you
I find it hard to trust not only me, but everyone around me
Because of you
I am afraid

I watched you die
I heard you cry every night in your sleep
I was so young
You should have known better than to lean on me
You never thought of anyone else
You just saw your pain
And now I cry in the middle of the nightFor the same damn thing

how true, i do not trust, i do not love, i do not care and all i feel is fear
and it is only because of you, your friends and family,
why me??????????????????????????????

its been a while

Its been a while since i wrote on this
why???
because when i write here, its real
I need to admit how bad things are
I truley dont know how ill make it through this,
im now plummiting to below rock bottom
though what can i do about it,

i want it all to end
I can see the long way and i can see the short cut
i just dont know which way to take
i know the short cut, is the cowards way out,
i know the long way is a road ive never travelled before,
maybe thats why i wasnt aware of how rocky it would be

I need to blame, i know i need to blame
i cant get passed this in my head, im stuck
i cant do it, how can i possible do it,
i need to talk to someone NOW, is that not always the way
I saw my hv yesterday and told her i was fine, and hashed round the houses,
as i do so so well

How can i do anything else,
can i really tell her i want to run away
i hate living this shitey existence every day
i fear for what is ahead, more so i fear what is behind
I was at the hospital last week, for a small procedure
And i have been so freaked out since then,
ive been a child more than an adult,
I fear everything, im jumping at the least wee thing,
I read an article last week, and the major jumpiness was noted in the article
which made me feel better but it didnt stop the jumping,

Im so highly strung, ive self harmed for the first time in so so long
i feel such a failure for doing it,
but i had to i was so so angry, with me, with that wee girl i am
that wee girl i once was, that gullable little tart that has made me so,
so i cut her, and let her bleed and felt her pain, and let her feel the pain,
the pain that i feel everyday, the sore that i feel everyday, though now i could
see it, it was there,
the shame i feel, the shame that i am, then i could see this too,
as there is nothing more shamefull than a cut leg, to make you feel worse,
and thats what i deserve, is it not,

he told me, that my psych thinks im as bad as him,
she told me she doesnt,
who do i believe, i know who i want to believe,
but how can i, when i need to believe everything he tells me
DO YOU KNOW WHAT HAPPENS IF YOU DONT????????