Im so so tired,
I cant sleep just now for dreams,
Ive tried to sleep through the day for past few days but cant even do that
Im so so tired, that everything just seems an effort,
The flashbacks im getting are terror just now,
There are lots of people in them,
They are all taking part and i cant cope
i am scared sensless, just as i must have been
i try to remember im in the here and now but its so hard,
Im disgusted with the things i remember,
the detail i remember it in,
Im disgusted by the things i done, by the idea that closing my eyes made it better,
wasnt often i got to close my eyes but this time i did,
im horrified at the fact i didnt scream or punch
but i never did, did i??
I wish i had,
Why couldnt i have just screamed then, i cant scream now,
i want to scream now, but who do i scream at
ive punched a door, a wall and cut all in a few days,
why am i so angry??? i cant feel this angry, its wrong and its not allowed
I wish i could just run away, run away and forget it all,
I'm fine
Sunday, 29 March 2009
Wednesday, 25 March 2009
IF YOU WANT THE RAINBOW
u gotta put up with the rain,
i dont know why ive not been blogging of late,
as my life is shit, full or such sad and ache,
so i should be using this more than anything just now
think i thought that by this time in my journey the blog would be deleated,the world would have moved on by now
so its a bit strange, feels like a failing, but feels like such a good thing that ive got this far, such a double edged emotian,
i was staring at a poster today with this quote on it today from dolly parton and i was thinking how much rain should you have to put up with for that rainbow,
im not fussed for the pot of gold but some rainbow would be nice,
Things have been so difficult,
i feel so confused, so hurt, so angry and so stressed,
Im tired as the nightmares wake me, the flashbacks keep me awake
then the "little people" are up and its time to start over,
I really hoped by now there would be no more memories,
it would all be out and it would all be disgussed, i remember saying that they were all out years ago after i had disclosed a small bit, ohh how niave of me,
the new flashbacks are hell the old ones im coping with,
they are still there but i live with them now,
the new ones if i can get them out and open then maybe i can do the same with them
i feel sick to the stomach when i think about the shit still going round and round in my head,
i feel so sick when i think of the life i might have had
Ive came so far from where i was, but not far enough to where i need to be,
I know i can get there some day, i just need to get it all out and get it all sorted and then work out who i am??
i need to stop being loud and laughing and maybe people will know i need the help, they will see im not happy, they will see my pain and fear, they wont think im just doing great,.
Maybe i need to take some of the mask off, let me out
But then do they even need to see this,
I cant have people thinking im not strong, not in control, that im vulnerable and scared, that im fearful when i close my eyes at night, yet even more so when i open them in the morning,
i really dont know anymore, i didnt buy into this when i came into the world,
i wanted the daisy chains and picnics, not the oral sex and rape, i wanted to go to bed happy, not full of fear, i wanted to wake up happy, not sore and scared, i wanted to go on trips out, not too "group games" with lots of men, I want to go to sleep at night and wake in the morning without a feel of dread, i want to not wish i was dead, i want so much,
god i wanted my childhood, not to be used, made feel bad, made feel dirty, an object for them all, a toy, an add on, a sick part of there games,
what did i do so wrong, was i really so so naughty that i needed shown, was i really asking for it all the time, was i really evil,
AM i really not normall, am i lucky, am i special, am i ugly, am i bad for making it happen????
Which is it, i get it all in a daily basis so which one is it to be???
I wish i could just see!!!!!!!!
I want to hide forever, i want to be free,
Would people look at me with shame and disgust?? Was i really that bad??
Will anyone ever take it away, make it better, cuddle me, let me cry, wipe my tears??? or will it just always be this way, was this the hand i was dealt so the one i need to deal with
I really think im doing well, i just need to do better,
I can do this, I bloody will do it too,
i dont know why ive not been blogging of late,
as my life is shit, full or such sad and ache,
so i should be using this more than anything just now
think i thought that by this time in my journey the blog would be deleated,the world would have moved on by now
so its a bit strange, feels like a failing, but feels like such a good thing that ive got this far, such a double edged emotian,
i was staring at a poster today with this quote on it today from dolly parton and i was thinking how much rain should you have to put up with for that rainbow,
im not fussed for the pot of gold but some rainbow would be nice,
Things have been so difficult,
i feel so confused, so hurt, so angry and so stressed,
Im tired as the nightmares wake me, the flashbacks keep me awake
then the "little people" are up and its time to start over,
I really hoped by now there would be no more memories,
it would all be out and it would all be disgussed, i remember saying that they were all out years ago after i had disclosed a small bit, ohh how niave of me,
the new flashbacks are hell the old ones im coping with,
they are still there but i live with them now,
the new ones if i can get them out and open then maybe i can do the same with them
i feel sick to the stomach when i think about the shit still going round and round in my head,
i feel so sick when i think of the life i might have had
Ive came so far from where i was, but not far enough to where i need to be,
I know i can get there some day, i just need to get it all out and get it all sorted and then work out who i am??
i need to stop being loud and laughing and maybe people will know i need the help, they will see im not happy, they will see my pain and fear, they wont think im just doing great,.
Maybe i need to take some of the mask off, let me out
But then do they even need to see this,
I cant have people thinking im not strong, not in control, that im vulnerable and scared, that im fearful when i close my eyes at night, yet even more so when i open them in the morning,
i really dont know anymore, i didnt buy into this when i came into the world,
i wanted the daisy chains and picnics, not the oral sex and rape, i wanted to go to bed happy, not full of fear, i wanted to wake up happy, not sore and scared, i wanted to go on trips out, not too "group games" with lots of men, I want to go to sleep at night and wake in the morning without a feel of dread, i want to not wish i was dead, i want so much,
god i wanted my childhood, not to be used, made feel bad, made feel dirty, an object for them all, a toy, an add on, a sick part of there games,
what did i do so wrong, was i really so so naughty that i needed shown, was i really asking for it all the time, was i really evil,
AM i really not normall, am i lucky, am i special, am i ugly, am i bad for making it happen????
Which is it, i get it all in a daily basis so which one is it to be???
I wish i could just see!!!!!!!!
I want to hide forever, i want to be free,
Would people look at me with shame and disgust?? Was i really that bad??
Will anyone ever take it away, make it better, cuddle me, let me cry, wipe my tears??? or will it just always be this way, was this the hand i was dealt so the one i need to deal with
I really think im doing well, i just need to do better,
I can do this, I bloody will do it too,
Sunday, 4 January 2009
another year
well another year is over
and another one begins,
yet it seems same old here,
ive not slept when its been dark for a few weeks now
My head is pickled,
my head is in the shed
and its truly lost and hiding
Im waiting patiently in it all falling into place,
I just hope i dont miss it,
Flashbacks are so evil, so debilitating and so damn real
Im sure once i talk it all through, it will be easier
I hope once i talk it all trhough it will be easier
Its seem such a shame to start the year like this
feeling like this, thinking like this,
starting it with a heavy heart
though in a way its not a bad thing as
the only way can be up,
things can only get better
And i know it can,
I dont know wot to write to make it feel better
I dont know wot to say,
im stuck here for now, and for now i need to accept
Accept that hard work is needed on my part,
Accept that i cant change the past, just my views of it
and another one begins,
yet it seems same old here,
ive not slept when its been dark for a few weeks now
My head is pickled,
my head is in the shed
and its truly lost and hiding
Im waiting patiently in it all falling into place,
I just hope i dont miss it,
Flashbacks are so evil, so debilitating and so damn real
Im sure once i talk it all through, it will be easier
I hope once i talk it all trhough it will be easier
Its seem such a shame to start the year like this
feeling like this, thinking like this,
starting it with a heavy heart
though in a way its not a bad thing as
the only way can be up,
things can only get better
And i know it can,
I dont know wot to write to make it feel better
I dont know wot to say,
im stuck here for now, and for now i need to accept
Accept that hard work is needed on my part,
Accept that i cant change the past, just my views of it
Wednesday, 24 December 2008
Saturday, 22 November 2008
My survival pack is almost ready
Its funny, some people pack there birth bag
others pack babygrows
the one thing im concentrating on is survival,
packing things that will get me through
packing things that will keep me there
packing things that will make sure i dare
I got a parcel today that is all packed away
it made me smile and laugh
i hope it does on the day
ill know im not alone so i suppose that will help
When its all over ill have one more reason to live
One more person to love
protect and shape into an independat person
A happy person,
Maybe thats why its happening again,
to show me i can
I need to get through this for my baby, for my babies
I need to concentrate on that
I need to remember its not like then
It might feel like it
My head might go there
But please god let it get back,
Let me do this, im trying so hard,
others pack babygrows
the one thing im concentrating on is survival,
packing things that will get me through
packing things that will keep me there
packing things that will make sure i dare
I got a parcel today that is all packed away
it made me smile and laugh
i hope it does on the day
ill know im not alone so i suppose that will help
When its all over ill have one more reason to live
One more person to love
protect and shape into an independat person
A happy person,
Maybe thats why its happening again,
to show me i can
I need to get through this for my baby, for my babies
I need to concentrate on that
I need to remember its not like then
It might feel like it
My head might go there
But please god let it get back,
Let me do this, im trying so hard,
Sunday, 16 November 2008
im so sad
Again ive let myself down and kept things brewing
instead of writing,
So i find myself writing now, needs must i suppose
Time is going so fast now and im scared, I cant believe there is not long left
The fear i feel takes me back
the pain i feel takes me back
and im sad, im scared and im angry
I dont do angry very well so thats a hard thing to feel,
Im feeling it with all the wrong people and not the one i should feel it too
But im realising that, slowley but surely so thats better
Flashbacks are terrorising me day and night now, its funny how your mind works
I try to remind myself that im here and now and not there n then
but thats not easy,
ive been in my invisible blanket allday today, its been a while since i needed it for a full day,
even now im wrapped up hoping that everyone will go away and leave me,
how much security can one peace of cloth do???
But i just let myself believe im safe, im sure thats ok,
I need to think im safe, or i just cant go on
hopping that will head will turn off soon,
thats my ears will stop working,
that the screams i feel inside might come out
And maybe my day will be over,
The "stupid " thoughts are here again, thankgod its not just me anymore
I often wonder who decided they were stupid thoughts....
As to me, being free is not a stupid thought,
having no more pain is not a stupid thought,
hanging around and taking some more now thats a stupid thought,
makes you think, why is dying so wrong, yet living has to be right????
if by some freak accident i died tomoro, would people say i was stupid??
of course they wouldnt they would make sure my kids knew they were loved,
make sure my family where cared for and my kids would never blame themselves
they would grow up happy and secure as everyone arround would ensure that,
so why is it if i jumped off a roof or hung from a beam it would be a disgrace
my kids would be scarred, there life would be awfull etc etc
why do they both have to be so different, i just dont understand that,
especially when part of my reasoning would be for my kids,
Might go and cry some more, i feel all cried out yet with so much more crying to do, how strange, im crying for then, crying for now, crying for the last twenty five years of crying thats not been allowed,
instead of writing,
So i find myself writing now, needs must i suppose
Time is going so fast now and im scared, I cant believe there is not long left
The fear i feel takes me back
the pain i feel takes me back
and im sad, im scared and im angry
I dont do angry very well so thats a hard thing to feel,
Im feeling it with all the wrong people and not the one i should feel it too
But im realising that, slowley but surely so thats better
Flashbacks are terrorising me day and night now, its funny how your mind works
I try to remind myself that im here and now and not there n then
but thats not easy,
ive been in my invisible blanket allday today, its been a while since i needed it for a full day,
even now im wrapped up hoping that everyone will go away and leave me,
how much security can one peace of cloth do???
But i just let myself believe im safe, im sure thats ok,
I need to think im safe, or i just cant go on
hopping that will head will turn off soon,
thats my ears will stop working,
that the screams i feel inside might come out
And maybe my day will be over,
The "stupid " thoughts are here again, thankgod its not just me anymore
I often wonder who decided they were stupid thoughts....
As to me, being free is not a stupid thought,
having no more pain is not a stupid thought,
hanging around and taking some more now thats a stupid thought,
makes you think, why is dying so wrong, yet living has to be right????
if by some freak accident i died tomoro, would people say i was stupid??
of course they wouldnt they would make sure my kids knew they were loved,
make sure my family where cared for and my kids would never blame themselves
they would grow up happy and secure as everyone arround would ensure that,
so why is it if i jumped off a roof or hung from a beam it would be a disgrace
my kids would be scarred, there life would be awfull etc etc
why do they both have to be so different, i just dont understand that,
especially when part of my reasoning would be for my kids,
Might go and cry some more, i feel all cried out yet with so much more crying to do, how strange, im crying for then, crying for now, crying for the last twenty five years of crying thats not been allowed,
Tuesday, 19 August 2008
An Update
Its been so long since ive written
ive tried on many occasions but just cant find the words just now
Im still trying to get to the end
The light i can see now,
music to everyones ears,
Im scared to move on as much as im scared to stay here,
I can still see him, hear him and feel him daily
but i can do other things at the same time now
im surviving enough to get through the shopping,
the school run and the "painting a smile on"
im scared to admit how bad i still feel as i know it just disapoints
Im scared to admit that i still want to die,
that i still think im to blame
that i still want to run away
that i still want to scream
There is extra reason to try and try
I am having another baby, so i need to ensure that im "together"
i want no more than to have the most together kids
to do it so differently
so it gives me some fire in my heart
Its hard when they are not here to remind me to breath
when they are not in my vision to remind me who i am now
But they are in my heart and for that i need to fight,
its hard, i so underestamated how difficult life could be as a survivor
Being a victim was hard, feeling to blame is hard,
but the work involved in trying to survive is so so hard,
i try to remember that although its bad and its hard,
it can never be as sore, scarey and bad as it was when it was happening
but lets be honest, id rather be eating jelly tots than doing this!!!!!
ive tried on many occasions but just cant find the words just now
Im still trying to get to the end
The light i can see now,
music to everyones ears,
Im scared to move on as much as im scared to stay here,
I can still see him, hear him and feel him daily
but i can do other things at the same time now
im surviving enough to get through the shopping,
the school run and the "painting a smile on"
im scared to admit how bad i still feel as i know it just disapoints
Im scared to admit that i still want to die,
that i still think im to blame
that i still want to run away
that i still want to scream
There is extra reason to try and try
I am having another baby, so i need to ensure that im "together"
i want no more than to have the most together kids
to do it so differently
so it gives me some fire in my heart
Its hard when they are not here to remind me to breath
when they are not in my vision to remind me who i am now
But they are in my heart and for that i need to fight,
its hard, i so underestamated how difficult life could be as a survivor
Being a victim was hard, feeling to blame is hard,
but the work involved in trying to survive is so so hard,
i try to remember that although its bad and its hard,
it can never be as sore, scarey and bad as it was when it was happening
but lets be honest, id rather be eating jelly tots than doing this!!!!!
Wednesday, 9 July 2008
Please
Flashbacks, smells, images, dont tell
i see you do it,
i feel the pain
yet im told im ok now
its not the same
i laugh out loud
That its meant to be better
its harder its worse
its just not better
you hurt me daily
i smell your smell
i see your face
i hear you tell
i hate that youre with me
every day every night
why cant you leave me
why dont you go
and give me some hope
some time, no more
I hate the control that you still have
you must be happy and having a laugh
that im such a mess, such a wreck,
such a failure
but i cant get on with you saying it all
your in my head and you wont let go,
Its not fair what your doing to me,
Its been to long and i just want to be free
Free from the hurt
the pain and the shame
free to live, my life
my aims,
please,
i see you do it,
i feel the pain
yet im told im ok now
its not the same
i laugh out loud
That its meant to be better
its harder its worse
its just not better
you hurt me daily
i smell your smell
i see your face
i hear you tell
i hate that youre with me
every day every night
why cant you leave me
why dont you go
and give me some hope
some time, no more
I hate the control that you still have
you must be happy and having a laugh
that im such a mess, such a wreck,
such a failure
but i cant get on with you saying it all
your in my head and you wont let go,
Its not fair what your doing to me,
Its been to long and i just want to be free
Free from the hurt
the pain and the shame
free to live, my life
my aims,
please,
Wednesday, 25 June 2008
it shouldnt be this way
Things are getting harder and harder all they steps i took
All that journey i took
The hard work, to get better
To feel better and cope better
And now i feel like im back at square one,
I cant do it without the meds,
I cant do it when its not numbed at least a wee bit numbed would be nice,
I listen to the laughter and the playing
I want to reach out and join in,
I want to be a real mummy,
But i cant, i cant bear the pain,
And im not to blame, I know its not like then,
But i cant help thinking bad things happen when im happy,
Im hanging on by the skin of my teeth just now
It really shouldnt be as bad as this,
I should feel better than this,
But its all tumbling down around me
One moment i feel strong and ready to fight
The next i feel like im in the corner, scared and with fright,
I can not win, I never can
I dont know why i fight so hard sometimes,
More tests to come,
the worse one of all
then i spose it should only get easy,
Or easier, or even less destroctive would do,
As right now its the self destruct i could do
I cant take the noise anymore,
I just want it to stop, silence anything but this,
All that journey i took
The hard work, to get better
To feel better and cope better
And now i feel like im back at square one,
I cant do it without the meds,
I cant do it when its not numbed at least a wee bit numbed would be nice,
I listen to the laughter and the playing
I want to reach out and join in,
I want to be a real mummy,
But i cant, i cant bear the pain,
And im not to blame, I know its not like then,
But i cant help thinking bad things happen when im happy,
Im hanging on by the skin of my teeth just now
It really shouldnt be as bad as this,
I should feel better than this,
But its all tumbling down around me
One moment i feel strong and ready to fight
The next i feel like im in the corner, scared and with fright,
I can not win, I never can
I dont know why i fight so hard sometimes,
More tests to come,
the worse one of all
then i spose it should only get easy,
Or easier, or even less destroctive would do,
As right now its the self destruct i could do
I cant take the noise anymore,
I just want it to stop, silence anything but this,
Friday, 20 June 2008
relationships are just so confusing
Boy meets girl
You were my dream,my world
But i was blind
You cheated on me from behind
So on my own
I feel so all alone
Though I know it's true
I'm still in love with you
I need a miracle
I wanna be your girl
Give me a chance to see
That you are made for me
I need a miracle
Please let me be your girl
One day you'll see it can happen to me
I need a miracle
I wanna be your girl
Give me a chance to see
That you are made for me
I need a miracle
Please let me be your girl
One day you'll see it can happen to me
It can happen to me
Day and night
I'm always by your side
Cause I know for sure
My love is real my feelings pure
So take a try
No need to ask me why
Cause I know it's true
I'm still in love with you
I need a miracle...
I wanna be your girl
Give me a chance to see
That you are made for me
I need a miracle
Please let me be your girl
One day you'll see it can happen to me
I need a miracle
I wanna be your girl
Give me a chance to see
That you are made for me
I need a miracle
Please let me be your girl
One day you'll see it can happen to me
It can happen to me
this song just makes me cry just now,
can it happen to me,
do you love me,
can you be by my side
I still hear your voice, when you sleep next to me.
I still feel your touch in my dreams.
Forgive me my weakness, but I don't know why
Without you it's hard to survive.
'Cause everytime we touch, I get this feeling.
And everytime we kiss I swear I could fly.
Can't you feel my heart beat fast, I want this to last.
Need you by my side.
'Cause everytime we touch, I feel this static.
And everytime we kiss, I reach for the sky.
Can't you hear my heart beat so...
I can't let you go.
Want you in my life.
Your arms are my castle, your heart is my sky.
They wipe away tears that I cry.
The good and the bad times, we've been through them all.
You make me rise when I fall.
'Cause everytime we touch, I get this feeling.
And everytime we kiss I swear I could fly.
Can't you feel my heart beat fast, I want this to last.
Need you by my side.
'Cause everytime we touch, I feel this static.
And everytime we kiss, I reach for the sky.
Can't you hear my heart beat so...
I can't let you go.
Want you in my life.
though thats one is worse,
as i just dont know anymore,
how can love hurt, how can it be so confussing
how can you love me then hate me
i dont know anymore wot i need and wot i want
You were my dream,my world
But i was blind
You cheated on me from behind
So on my own
I feel so all alone
Though I know it's true
I'm still in love with you
I need a miracle
I wanna be your girl
Give me a chance to see
That you are made for me
I need a miracle
Please let me be your girl
One day you'll see it can happen to me
I need a miracle
I wanna be your girl
Give me a chance to see
That you are made for me
I need a miracle
Please let me be your girl
One day you'll see it can happen to me
It can happen to me
Day and night
I'm always by your side
Cause I know for sure
My love is real my feelings pure
So take a try
No need to ask me why
Cause I know it's true
I'm still in love with you
I need a miracle...
I wanna be your girl
Give me a chance to see
That you are made for me
I need a miracle
Please let me be your girl
One day you'll see it can happen to me
I need a miracle
I wanna be your girl
Give me a chance to see
That you are made for me
I need a miracle
Please let me be your girl
One day you'll see it can happen to me
It can happen to me
this song just makes me cry just now,
can it happen to me,
do you love me,
can you be by my side
I still hear your voice, when you sleep next to me.
I still feel your touch in my dreams.
Forgive me my weakness, but I don't know why
Without you it's hard to survive.
'Cause everytime we touch, I get this feeling.
And everytime we kiss I swear I could fly.
Can't you feel my heart beat fast, I want this to last.
Need you by my side.
'Cause everytime we touch, I feel this static.
And everytime we kiss, I reach for the sky.
Can't you hear my heart beat so...
I can't let you go.
Want you in my life.
Your arms are my castle, your heart is my sky.
They wipe away tears that I cry.
The good and the bad times, we've been through them all.
You make me rise when I fall.
'Cause everytime we touch, I get this feeling.
And everytime we kiss I swear I could fly.
Can't you feel my heart beat fast, I want this to last.
Need you by my side.
'Cause everytime we touch, I feel this static.
And everytime we kiss, I reach for the sky.
Can't you hear my heart beat so...
I can't let you go.
Want you in my life.
though thats one is worse,
as i just dont know anymore,
how can love hurt, how can it be so confussing
how can you love me then hate me
i dont know anymore wot i need and wot i want
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About Me
- a survivor.... or so they say
- Im a women who is slowly learning to survive, who is taking a journey into the past in order to gain a future. I have ptsd, bpd and suicidal ideation. I often wander if i would have any of that if it wasn't for the mess, the past.