my 150th post

I cant quiet believe im been writing this long enough to get to so many posts,
The sad thing is ive not found the light at the end of the tunnel
im not a survivor yet
im still living this nightmare,

im fed up of feeling so scared,
im scared to feel any different,
I cant face the amount he has taken from me
but i cant spend forever looking for it,
as its getting me no where,

i can still see him, feel him and smell him
sometimes worse than others,
i can hear him but i can ignore him now
i think the mind and the brain are evil to put me through this,
i shake, feel fear and run when i see some of what i see

im getting to feel angry now,
i want to move away from self blame,
i need to move away from it, i know it makes sense
but its so hard when all i hear is what he says
what i was, what i am, what ive done, all my fun,
not the pain, not the fear, not the bleeding,
not the want to run away i dont hear that,

in my daughters eyes

In my daughter's eyes I am a hero
I am strong and wise and I know no fear
But the truth is plain to see
she was sent to rescue me
I see who I wanna be
In my daughter's eyes
In my daughter's eyes everyone is equal
Darkness turns to light and theworld is at peace
This miracle God gave to me gives me
strength when I am weak
I find reason to believe In my daughter's eyes
And when she wraps her handaround my finger
Oh it puts a smile in my heart
Everything becomes a little clearerI realize what life is all about
It's hangin' on when your heart
has had enough
It's giving more when you feel like giving up
I've seen the light
It's in my daughter's eyes
In my daughter's eyes I can see the future
A reflection of who I am and what will be
Though she'll grow and someday leave
Maybe raise a family
When I'm gone I hope you see how happy
she made me
For I'll be thereIn my daughter's eyes



this song makes me cry happy tears, sad tears and real tears,
i am exactly all i am for my girls,
i am holding on and no more and not giving into the urgies for my girls
to protect them, to watch them grow, to love them daily, to cuddle them, discipline them, educate them and be the best i can, yet never as much as they deserve
or i was to now
but now i think they would get on so much better without me holding them back
they have a fantastic dad who would do anything for them,
he struggles with the tears and tantrums, who wouldnt but he would take them to nursery in hail, rain or even thunder,
he would give them the secure love that i so struggle with
he would be so much better on his own than with me pulling him down,
pulling them all down, maybe if i loved them as much as i thnk i do, id do it for them
im nothing without my girls but they would be everything without me

i just want to scream help me just now
and say all the things i couldnt say, im sad for wot i lost, wot was taken
i got so used this abuse it kinda feels like home_PINK)
im sad for how i feel, im sad for feeling a failure,
im angry for letting it go for so long,
im angry for feeling so sad, im angry for being so gulible
im sad for feeling so alone, i want someone to make it all just disapear,
i want someone to cuddle me protect me and let me be sad,
thats probably wot i would say, help me feel better ,help me cry and let me know its ok to cry

god i really need to sort out wtf im doing once and forall and just get it over and done with
i love my husband and girls so much it hurts, im nothing without them yet they will be everything without me

i need to remember to breath even for the next 12hours, then the next and just keep going
arghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
i wish i could scream

i really wish i could shake it off

Im numb, i feel so so scared
Ive felt surreal, felt scared, felt like i wanted it over for real
its such an awfull, weird feeling,
how can you tell people who have invested so much that it was for nothing
that you want to die,
that you cant cope,
that you hate yourself
that you hate what you done
that you hate what they done
that you have had enough

Of numb, of fear, of hell of here,
hate the feeling deep down,
hate the life you are left with

ive tried to talk to people, ive tried to grab help,
yet they dont care, they dont care that life is over soon
they think i get help i need no more,
they avoid me, they ignore me, they just dont care,
why the fuck should i, i am worth nothing,
maybe people will know how hard it is
when its too late
they dont care that my every day is a nightmare,
if i sleep it is good, when im awake it is a nightmare,
what do i need to do,scream, shout or spell it out

ive been numb since wednesday, too many days
but i still try to be me in a daze,
ive told all i need to without the detail
but will that help or will that be lethal,
its time to move past this and into anger
the one person i trust will know how to help
will not be annoyed, will not shout, will let me be angry
will help me get it out,
if i cant be angry, i cant live no more,
as i cant be his little whore,
i cant be his princess, his bike, his thing to ride in the night,
i cant be his baby girl, his big girl, his play toy,
i cant be his anything anymore

does that make me bad, does that make me evil
i dont care anymore as i cant be HIS
i hate feeling this feeling that i feel
i hate believing the things he tells me
i hate being alive
i hate that i hate being alive,
i want to die, but i want to live
ohhh im so confused its hard
i hate that my life is all this,
when i have so much more
i hate that people dont get it,
how much i actually fight to be better
i didnt choose this,
i didnt help make it better, but i didnt choose it at the beginning,

how

could you!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

i was only 5, i was scared, i was shy,

you where my nightmare, my shame, i need to cry

i had learned so much from him by now,

but i still was scared, i still knew not to shout,

one was bad, two was worse, three was torture,

was that all i was worth

Wine n moan

wine n moan,

wine n whinge

wine n cut

i just want someone to listen to me just now,

but im so scared to talk

ive drank wine to numb, for four days running

but its still there, still not talking

the flashback is killing me,

its terrorising me

its making me scared,

the shit in my head

has me running scared

ive cut ive harmed ive carved my leg

to see if that will work instead,

but i still need to talk

i still need to speak

i still need to get it out

i need to be cuddled

i need to be heard

is that allowed

i thought i had got it, mastered it, made the grade

i thought the world was conquered, my bed not made

but its here, its there, its all around

so maybe its true, it wont go, till its been made into sound,

my leg hurts where the knife has been

my head hurts from what its seen,

my eyes sting from the awake in the night,

my lifes over if i cant fight

im scared, im sad, im angry, im tired

im just having enough of this trying,

i want to talk but i cant ask,

i want the help but im dying

i cant see this flashback anymore

its time to show this bastard the door,

but its there, its constant, its scaring me so

that i just cant take anymore, i just dont know

sometimes i hide

Sometimes i run,
Sometimes i hide,
Sometimes i cry
Sometimes i hide
Sometimes im scared
Sometimes im petrified
Sometimes im sad,
Sometimes im hurt
Sometimes i feel ok,
I want to feel ok more,
I want to never feel fear, hate, anger, disgust and hurt
the way i do today,
I cant face up to it just now,
I feel too too vulnerable,
Too scared, too sad, too angry, too dirty
I hate feeling dirty, I hate feeling ugly,
I hate feeling used, i hate feeling like a slag, slapper, etc...
I just want to run, run run run run
never look back, have some fun,
i just want to scream, scream, scream,
From my mouth, very loud,
I just want to yell, tell, shout and scream,
SO the whole world can see what i feel,

I want him to leave me alone, let me breath
Let me go out on my own,
Let me be "normal" let me be free,
I just want to be a mum to my three,

its all your fault

I conjure up the thought of being gone
But I'd probably even do that wrong
I try to think about which way
Would I be able to and would I be afraid
Cause oh I'm bleeding out inside
Oh I don't even mind

I would never pull the trigger
But I've cried wolf a thousand times
I wish you couldFeel as bad as I do
I have lost my mind

Im finished crying wolf though now
Im finished thinking like that
From now on no one knows
I just do it,
I just get it over with,
I just finish it
Once and for all

I cant do the whole "smile" anymore,
I feel like people are going out there way to test me
To see if i will or wont,
Well no more testing,
No more thinking thoughts,
From now on its acting on thoughts,
If i want to harm, i can and i will
If i want to kill myself i will and i can,
What does it matter to anyone else,
WHat does it matter to me,
It doesnt anymore,
Ive tried so so hard, to smile, to pretend to get on
But in my dreams, at night, through the day,
You tell me the way to get rid,
Maybe i should listen,

I really dont want to die,
But i dont want to fight to live anymore,
I just want to cry without fear,
And do what i hear

im so tired i need to sleep

Im so so tired,
I cant sleep just now for dreams,
Ive tried to sleep through the day for past few days but cant even do that
Im so so tired, that everything just seems an effort,

The flashbacks im getting are terror just now,
There are lots of people in them,
They are all taking part and i cant cope
i am scared sensless, just as i must have been
i try to remember im in the here and now but its so hard,
Im disgusted with the things i remember,
the detail i remember it in,
Im disgusted by the things i done, by the idea that closing my eyes made it better,
wasnt often i got to close my eyes but this time i did,
im horrified at the fact i didnt scream or punch
but i never did, did i??
I wish i had,
Why couldnt i have just screamed then, i cant scream now,
i want to scream now, but who do i scream at
ive punched a door, a wall and cut all in a few days,
why am i so angry??? i cant feel this angry, its wrong and its not allowed
I wish i could just run away, run away and forget it all,

IF YOU WANT THE RAINBOW

u gotta put up with the rain,
i dont know why ive not been blogging of late,
as my life is shit, full or such sad and ache,
so i should be using this more than anything just now
think i thought that by this time in my journey the blog would be deleated,the world would have moved on by now
so its a bit strange, feels like a failing, but feels like such a good thing that ive got this far, such a double edged emotian,

i was staring at a poster today with this quote on it today from dolly parton and i was thinking how much rain should you have to put up with for that rainbow,
im not fussed for the pot of gold but some rainbow would be nice,

Things have been so difficult,
i feel so confused, so hurt, so angry and so stressed,
Im tired as the nightmares wake me, the flashbacks keep me awake
then the "little people" are up and its time to start over,

I really hoped by now there would be no more memories,
it would all be out and it would all be disgussed, i remember saying that they were all out years ago after i had disclosed a small bit, ohh how niave of me,

the new flashbacks are hell the old ones im coping with,
they are still there but i live with them now,
the new ones if i can get them out and open then maybe i can do the same with them
i feel sick to the stomach when i think about the shit still going round and round in my head,
i feel so sick when i think of the life i might have had

Ive came so far from where i was, but not far enough to where i need to be,
I know i can get there some day, i just need to get it all out and get it all sorted and then work out who i am??
i need to stop being loud and laughing and maybe people will know i need the help, they will see im not happy, they will see my pain and fear, they wont think im just doing great,.
Maybe i need to take some of the mask off, let me out

But then do they even need to see this,
I cant have people thinking im not strong, not in control, that im vulnerable and scared, that im fearful when i close my eyes at night, yet even more so when i open them in the morning,
i really dont know anymore, i didnt buy into this when i came into the world,
i wanted the daisy chains and picnics, not the oral sex and rape, i wanted to go to bed happy, not full of fear, i wanted to wake up happy, not sore and scared, i wanted to go on trips out, not too "group games" with lots of men, I want to go to sleep at night and wake in the morning without a feel of dread, i want to not wish i was dead, i want so much,
god i wanted my childhood, not to be used, made feel bad, made feel dirty, an object for them all, a toy, an add on, a sick part of there games,
what did i do so wrong, was i really so so naughty that i needed shown, was i really asking for it all the time, was i really evil,
AM i really not normall, am i lucky, am i special, am i ugly, am i bad for making it happen????
Which is it, i get it all in a daily basis so which one is it to be???
I wish i could just see!!!!!!!!

I want to hide forever, i want to be free,
Would people look at me with shame and disgust?? Was i really that bad??

Will anyone ever take it away, make it better, cuddle me, let me cry, wipe my tears??? or will it just always be this way, was this the hand i was dealt so the one i need to deal with
I really think im doing well, i just need to do better,
I can do this, I bloody will do it too,

another year

well another year is over
and another one begins,
yet it seems same old here,
ive not slept when its been dark for a few weeks now
My head is pickled,
my head is in the shed
and its truly lost and hiding
Im waiting patiently in it all falling into place,
I just hope i dont miss it,

Flashbacks are so evil, so debilitating and so damn real
Im sure once i talk it all through, it will be easier
I hope once i talk it all trhough it will be easier

Its seem such a shame to start the year like this
feeling like this, thinking like this,
starting it with a heavy heart
though in a way its not a bad thing as
the only way can be up,
things can only get better
And i know it can,

I dont know wot to write to make it feel better
I dont know wot to say,
im stuck here for now, and for now i need to accept
Accept that hard work is needed on my part,
Accept that i cant change the past, just my views of it