why oh why

im surrounded by people yet i feel so alone
i really really need to cry and let it all out
i need to get rid of this christmas flashback,
i just need to talk it through, cry, puke, whatever i might do,
i need to cry and be comforted, be cuddled and held and protected
i need to feel that there are people who care
i know there are, but i cant help feeling so alone

i cant shake the feelings that i want to escape
that i want to run, that i want to hide,that i want to commit suicide
i cant shake them off or let them go,
i think its a god send that my hubbie cant cope remarkable on his own
as if i knew deep down he would do the better job without me id be gone, but i really dont know

i have three gorgues kids, a home, a family that care, a husband what the fuck is wrong with me
why cant i just leave the past in the past, why can i not be happy, why do they still haunt me

i saw one of them in town last week again, he cant even look at me now,
i make him THAT sick, he cant even look at me
i bet i make lots of people sick,
im scared that people can all see me for a tart, a tramp, a slut a slapper,
people who love me are not helping, they dont tell me im doing well,
I really need to shake this feeling off as i cant cope for much longer with it,
i feel like ive went way back, i feel like im 6 or 7 sometimes 8 on a good day i might feel 13,
i want to feel 30 i want to feel like a mother, i want to smile and feel the smile inside,
not smile so others dont see what im really feeling,
i want the sick feeling in my stomache to go, i want the sick dreams in my head to go
i want the bastard thats dead to leave me, im sorry i shoudnt have said that,
but i need you to go now, i cant cope more or is that what you want, you want me to die so you have me all over again, so that you wil always have won,

why oh why do i need to prolong this agony, why oh why am i being made to suffer this
im not a bad person, if anything im a lot kinder than a lot i know,
why is life so fookin awfull
why do i need to go on,
i just want  a sign that i can go, anything just so i will know

help me lord oh please help me

i shouldnt be feeling this way
i shouldnt be feeling the way i am
i want to run away
i want to get away from him
i cant help feeling so shit,
i cant help feeling so crap
i just want someone to help me
to run and run and run
i really cant do this anymore
im just glad i fight these feelings
im glad im no longer his little whore

please just let me run away from this
please hold me and let me cry
please tell me i dont need to die
please help me scream so loud
that im hurt, im hurting, im not proud
he has killed all i am, all i have and all ill ever be
i just want someone to love me for me

im sick and tired of always being sick and tired

Im so so tired and yet im not getting a good sleep,
im waking, dreaming and screaming
i hate it,
i hate it, i hate it so so much,

Im ready to finish the telling now, im ready to speak the words
all the words, make sure they are all vocalised then i need to try and move on
i need to try and understand,
i feel so dirty just now, its been so long since i felt this bad,
im sure i just feel exposed or something

i want to cry but i cant cry alone,
i want to talk but i dont want to annoy people
i want to run away but you cant always get what you want,
Im sad and scared of what he done,

Im forgetting everything i say and do,
i forget everything and that scares me too,
I want to go out alone, even just a walk,
and im scared to do that too
i shouldnt feel scared anymore but i do
i feel sick to the stomach when i see what we done,
when i dream, when i get flashbacks, memories, smells, tastes, touch
it all repulses me so much,
i dont know anymore what im meant to do
i am trying so so hard, i really am trying,

im just so sick and tired of it all,
i just want to cry and be cuddled and know it just so so one hundred percent was not my fault,
i dont think im evil or bAD
the thought of that makes me pretty sad,
but i must be, i must be or why why why?????????????????????????

i think its getting easier, then something fooks it up

On the therapy front we are making some great progress,
the difference that has been pointed out to me receantly
between me now and me at the start of therapy are remarkable,
i can see it now its been shown to me and it amazes me
i know though its far from over
im sat here tonight, worried and feeling very naked and bare to the world
i dont know why, but i feel like everyone looking at me knows my past,
knows what i am and judges me for it,
I think this was made worse by the news that i was having another baby,
never ever before have i felt so dirty or so used as to think im having another baby,
people will think im a tart, a slapper and always "at it" when that couldnt be more wrong,
\im devastated that my coping mechanisms have been taking from me,
I cant cope without them but i have no choice,
so no more cutting, no more smoking and no more drinking,
how i will cope or manage i dont know
im struggling to sleep as the nightmares are taking over again,
i hate nightmares, they are the pits,
i hate having to live it through over and over,
i really dont want to do this for ever,
i couldnt cope with forever,
i just want never,

D-day one is over the best is yet to come

My eyes are closing as i type,
but i need to typeand try and rid
then maybe the eyes will stay closed for at least some of the night
christmas is over, i survived, im here,
it was awfull yet why as i was surrounded by happiness,
happiness created by me,
yet all i felt inside was anger, hurt and saddness,
at times i had to just take myself away so as others could not see
at times i felt so alone so so alone, yet those who say they love me most were with me

new year is coming,
another one i cant do,
same reasons, same damn memories,
only i have pictures of that nght,
a constant reminder,
it was so so late and i was so so tired,
why am i doing the whole host thing,
maybe i cant run away from it anymore
so i will face it,

my eyes are closing yet the head is full
i know now its gonna be another night of hell
maybe if i can sort it in thenight, itll give me more to fight in the day
i cant believe another year is nearlt over, think this is the one that needs to count
this is the one that needs to count the most,
in many many ways, i swore this man couldnt have me once i was 30, so ive decided that gives me til the day before my 31 lol

i really feel such an urge to talk to people, to tell them my story, how fucked up is that, i know people look at me and think im stupid, or a junkie or thick or a bad mother or lazy and i know when i walk into nursery or school that is what is being thought, that scares me that just makes me less want to go, i knwo im not of these things, if i was i wouldnt have got as far as i have, i wouldnt have the stable home that i have, if you can call it stable with me init, i would be dead and would have given up long ago,
im a fighter and i need to fight,
i need to go to sleep now and sorry to say but pray i dont wake,natural would be acceptable, and if i do wake then its time i startred trying to exercise the past, tell who needstold, cry cry cry and be angry,
for now i need to give into sleep, give into dreams, and pray my screams are not loud to wake teh house,
i really wish i had a safe cuddle i have one blankie instead
help me god i really need to sleep, please watch over me and send mee nice wee dreams,

aint long left

im sorry to say this but i dont think theres long left
long to find the light
long to find the fight
long to find the truth
long to take an outh

no more no more no more,
its not long left til i leave,
til i go
til the lord comes and takeths away
the lord giveth and the lord taketh away

ten days til i do the big red man,
then thats it, my time will come
im sorry for anyone who knows its real
im sorry im sorry im sorry its surreal
my head is away and my heart is empty
with all the filling its just not plenty,
im soiled
spoiled
hated being
why can i stay around for another,
i love my family, the ones im here with
but i cant love them more than i do just now
and do i need to lve them more to stick around and fill them with hate
i just want to cry,
i just want to scream
i want to love my kids enough to stay
i love my man more than i love the day
i love his life more than he needs a wife
i need to give them a break from me
do i run,
do i go and ask for respite
or do i igo forever,
someone please, someone somewhere help me know,
i just want a cuddle a cuddle itrs always that
im not dirty im not a tart

houston i think we have a problem

WHEN I THINK ABOUT IT
I JUST CANT THINK ABOUT IT
I TRY TO DRINK ABOUT IT
I KEEP SPINNING

WHERE DID YOU GO
WHERE DID YOU GO
HOW DID YOU KNOW TO GET OUT OF A WORLD GONE MAD
HELP ME LET GO
OF THE CHAOS AROUND ME
THE DEVIL THAT HOUNDS ME
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME
CHILD BE STILL
CHILD BE STILL


THATS ALL I NEED BEFORE I FALL
(THANKS pink FOR PUTTING IT INTO WORDS A WAY I COULDNT

oh dear god please help me

i really dont think i can do this anymore
i really dont think i can go on
i just want to run
i just want to hide
ive said it too much now that i dont think people believe me
will no one take me serious til im gone
will no one know i mean it till its all gone wrong

crying children
flashbacks
noise,
too much noise
confusion
my head cant take it all anymore
is it so so hard to understand where i am at
i cant understand where i am at
but then no one can or can they

i was doing so much better
what the fook is wrong with me
i was doing great, full of good ideas
full of plans
ful of the future
i cant shift the past, the present this life
so how the fook can i move on,

i need to scream, i need a cuddle
what am i doing so so wrong, why is it so bad now
i need help and i need it now
its all getting so so much harder,
i cant wimp out and take the easy route as ill leave three wee girls mummyless
but is that not better than psycho mum

i dont think i want to be a mum anymore
i dont think i want the responsibility it brings,
i want to go to sleep
i want help,
i want the phone to ring,
i want people to help me to make me better
to take this away
i put a smile on and let it go,
which is so stupid, so silly,
people need to know
how can anyone help me if they dont know
am so so tired, but i cant go to sleep,
if i go to sleep will i wake up,
if i dont wake up will it be so bad
my kids are lucky they have a good dad,
they have good family
they have a lot of people looking out for them

ohh i really dont want to be saying this shit
but i cant help it i cant get the shift
i want to run away, is that easier,
then maybe i could come back
i cant do this anymore
i cant do this anymore
i cant do this anymore

fucksake what have you done to me
YOU MONSTER

I DONT THINK I CAN GO ON MUCH MORE

IM EXHAUSTED
I NEED TO SLEEP, I NEED TO SLEEP AND NOT DREAM
I NEED TO BREATH AND NOT THINK
I NEED TO BE LEFT ALONE AND NOT ANNOYED
I NEED TO BE CUDDLED AND NOT LEFT ALONE
I DONT KNOW WHAT I NEED

I NEED TO FEEL ANGRY AND PISSED AND RAGE
I NEED TO NOT FEEL BLAME
I NEED TO HIDE BE SAFE BE LOVED
IS THAT REALLY ALL THE SAME
I CANT STAND THE SMELL OF YOU THAT LINGERS
WHEN YOU HAVE BEEN GONE FOR FAR TOO LONG
BUT I SMELL YOU AND IT MAKES ME THINK
THEN FREAK THEN WANT TO RUN

I WANT TO RUN AWAY AND NEVER BE FOUND
I WANT TO RUN AWAY TIL IM BURIED IN THE GROUND
I WANT TO RUN AWAY TIL THE WORLD ENDS,

I AM SCARED OF THE THOUGHTS IN MY HEAD
IM SCARED HE IS TELLING ME I NEED TO BE DEAD
I WISH HE HAD KILLED ME WHEN I WAS FIVE
WHY THE FUCK DID HE LEAVE ME ALIVE
I WISH HE HAD KILLED ME AND LEFT ME ALONE
INSTEAD OF SAVING ME AND TORTURING ME MORE

I WANT TO CRY AND I CAN NOT,
I WANT TO SCREAM TO HOPE YOU ROTT
BUT AS PER USUAL I JUST SMILE ON
AND NO ONE CAN SEE THIS PAIN YOU HAVE DONE

I NEED HELP GOD
I NEED IT NOW
I CANT GO ON DOING THIS,
I CANT HURT NO MORE

I LOVE MY FAMILY
I LOVE MY LIFE
BUT I CANT BE A MOTHER,
NOR A WIFE,
WHEN IN MY DAY I STILL SEE ALL THE PAST
BUT IT FEELS SO REAL WITH EVERY FLASH,

I WANT TO DIE, TAKE THE COWARDS OUT,
BUT IM SCARED TO DO THAT NOW,

I NEED TO SLEEP AS MY EYES ARE SHUTTING,
PLEASE DONT VISIT ME TONIGHT IN MY DREAM OR OTHER,
AS I NNED SOME SLEEP WITHOUT CRYING FOR MY MOTHER,
I NEED TO BE LEFT TO SORT THIS OUT
BUT AT THE SAME TIME I NEED A WEE SHOUT,

HELP ME GOD AND LET ME BE
LET THE HURT BE LEFT ON ME
LET THE FUTURE, THE START TO BEGIN
PLEASE LEAVE MEAND BLOODY GIVE IN

IF THERE IS NO ONE TO HELP
IS THERE ANY POINT TO IT,
WHATS THE POINT OF DOING SOMETHING I CANT DO PROPERLY
ID BE BETTER OFF OUT OF THIS,
SOMEONE STOP THE WORLD FROM SPINNING I WANT TO GET OFF

my 150th post

I cant quiet believe im been writing this long enough to get to so many posts,
The sad thing is ive not found the light at the end of the tunnel
im not a survivor yet
im still living this nightmare,

im fed up of feeling so scared,
im scared to feel any different,
I cant face the amount he has taken from me
but i cant spend forever looking for it,
as its getting me no where,

i can still see him, feel him and smell him
sometimes worse than others,
i can hear him but i can ignore him now
i think the mind and the brain are evil to put me through this,
i shake, feel fear and run when i see some of what i see

im getting to feel angry now,
i want to move away from self blame,
i need to move away from it, i know it makes sense
but its so hard when all i hear is what he says
what i was, what i am, what ive done, all my fun,
not the pain, not the fear, not the bleeding,
not the want to run away i dont hear that,