How did i get here,
How ever did i get back here,
Im sat at 12.40am with music thumping into my ears
i need to listen to the music to stop the thoughts racing,
music will give me something to concentrate on,
My stomach feels like im on a rollercoaster and i dont like it one little bit
Please please just go away and leave me alone,
i cant take much more of the noise, the frantic, scarey, horrid noise,
I cant cope much more with the things you say
please just go away
i thought it was getting better but you are defo here to stay
the music isnt working, the typing isnt working, my feet are all over the place
the wallls are coming in on me, i need to get out of here,
i dont know where to go, i dont know which path im meant to take
i wish you would just tell me, if you tell me ill listen
i promise ill listen, i always listen, you know i listen,
Im sorry for everything, im sorry for telling, ill never tell or talk anymore,
i promise i wont but please just leave me alone, i am scared and sore and feel sick and tired i need to sleep but i cant sleep what if you come back in, i want to know when to breath in, when to disapear, i dont want to have to disapear after you are here so i need to stay awake to see you, hear you, know you are coming to get me, im so so so sorry if i make you mad or sad, i dont want to or mean to ,
please just let me sleep andleave me alone, i need to be left alone for one night, for everynight,
i need to turn the music up, as the thoughts are still racing, the thinking is still there,im tired, the music will get me through if nothing else, maybe if i open my eyes it will get easier then again maybe it wont, if i keep them closed i can switch some of it off but then im not grounding myself,my poor band has lost its ping,
I'm fine
Wednesday, 27 July 2011
Saturday, 11 December 2010
Arghhhh
I just want to feel happy
not sad
i want to feel gratefull
and glad
i want to feel something
inside
not just empty and wanna
hide
i hate this everyday
the feelings im scared to say
this wasmeant to be over
meant to be done,
but i cant end it, it cant be done
i want to scream and want to run
i want to hide i want to cry
please someone help me
i miss someone so good to me
and i need to prove i can do this for her now, not me,
i need to show her im all "cured"
but i cant when i dont feel pure
I hurt inside when i dont want to
i still see things that i cant deal with
for fuck sake ive had enough now
leave me alone you had your cut now
Am i asking to much to be normal
to be safe, to be loved to be normal
to take my kids out without feeling scared
to sit in an untidy house without feeling sick
seeing toys without freaking out
hearing noise without blocking out
i just wanna be normal for my kids
to love the like a mother should,
to let them make mistakes
to let them play and fight
to let them wear silly clothes,
nighties, sk0irts with no tights,
i cant look after them,
i cant do nothing right
im so so upset
so misunderstood
i cant take the put downs i hear or the ones in my head
im really really trying when all else is said
but im not doing best, not doing as i could
so maybe im not worth the doing i should
maybe im an arsehole and god is just telling
he made a mistake when he gave me my blessings
not sad
i want to feel gratefull
and glad
i want to feel something
inside
not just empty and wanna
hide
i hate this everyday
the feelings im scared to say
this wasmeant to be over
meant to be done,
but i cant end it, it cant be done
i want to scream and want to run
i want to hide i want to cry
please someone help me
i miss someone so good to me
and i need to prove i can do this for her now, not me,
i need to show her im all "cured"
but i cant when i dont feel pure
I hurt inside when i dont want to
i still see things that i cant deal with
for fuck sake ive had enough now
leave me alone you had your cut now
Am i asking to much to be normal
to be safe, to be loved to be normal
to take my kids out without feeling scared
to sit in an untidy house without feeling sick
seeing toys without freaking out
hearing noise without blocking out
i just wanna be normal for my kids
to love the like a mother should,
to let them make mistakes
to let them play and fight
to let them wear silly clothes,
nighties, sk0irts with no tights,
i cant look after them,
i cant do nothing right
im so so upset
so misunderstood
i cant take the put downs i hear or the ones in my head
im really really trying when all else is said
but im not doing best, not doing as i could
so maybe im not worth the doing i should
maybe im an arsehole and god is just telling
he made a mistake when he gave me my blessings
Friday, 14 May 2010
is this is a shift!!!!
I really shouldnt be sitting on here just now as i should be getting ready to take my girls to school,
but i cant move today
something really strange has happened,
i think theres been a shift,
i think something inside me has changed,
but omg i dont know if i like it,
i want to stand up and scream and shout, i want to shout to the world what i went through
i want to punish every one of them,
when i next see one of them in town or at the shops i might well go up and tell him to watch his back, i feel brave or angry i dont know,
it scares me this new sense of whatever it is,
i want the world to know that these bastards violated everything i had,
i want the world to make sure they do it to no one else
i want to kill them, string them up and punish them first,
I wonder how much they would enjoy feeling like they were going to die daily,
i wonder how they would feel being raped, beaten and then blamed,
i wonder how they would feel being humilated
bathed and scrubbed as though i was dirty, how would you like that when you were sore and scared
FUCKIN BASTARDS NEED FUCKIN SHOT
AND I THINK IM READY TO DO THAT NOW
ive never felt the way i feel today and omg im scared, a voice inside is telling me im wrong, i was the bad one, not them, i need to stop thinking otherwise, i cant tell anyone or i might have to be sent away to live, but im sick of that voice, its never helped in the past so WHY LISTEN NOW
im so so so scared as the feeling in my stomache is like an urge to do something,
i nearly wrote on fbook ............ was raped and beaten by a gang of paedophiles while growing up many of whom where family members, but they dont rule me anymore and i am not ashamed,
but i changed my mind to .......... has lost her marbles as thats kinds how it feels to be feeling like this, maybe i have lost my marbles or maybe i have found them!!!
god only knows,
but i cant move today
something really strange has happened,
i think theres been a shift,
i think something inside me has changed,
but omg i dont know if i like it,
i want to stand up and scream and shout, i want to shout to the world what i went through
i want to punish every one of them,
when i next see one of them in town or at the shops i might well go up and tell him to watch his back, i feel brave or angry i dont know,
it scares me this new sense of whatever it is,
i want the world to know that these bastards violated everything i had,
i want the world to make sure they do it to no one else
i want to kill them, string them up and punish them first,
I wonder how much they would enjoy feeling like they were going to die daily,
i wonder how they would feel being raped, beaten and then blamed,
i wonder how they would feel being humilated
bathed and scrubbed as though i was dirty, how would you like that when you were sore and scared
FUCKIN BASTARDS NEED FUCKIN SHOT
AND I THINK IM READY TO DO THAT NOW
ive never felt the way i feel today and omg im scared, a voice inside is telling me im wrong, i was the bad one, not them, i need to stop thinking otherwise, i cant tell anyone or i might have to be sent away to live, but im sick of that voice, its never helped in the past so WHY LISTEN NOW
im so so so scared as the feeling in my stomache is like an urge to do something,
i nearly wrote on fbook ............ was raped and beaten by a gang of paedophiles while growing up many of whom where family members, but they dont rule me anymore and i am not ashamed,
but i changed my mind to .......... has lost her marbles as thats kinds how it feels to be feeling like this, maybe i have lost my marbles or maybe i have found them!!!
god only knows,
Wednesday, 21 April 2010
how can i feel this good sober!!!
I really need to escape, to get drunk, to get waisted just to feel escape,
im not coping with the lack of escape
i cant drink, i cant get waisted because im carrying this baby,
but i really need to just escape it all for ten minutes, for 10hours, just for sometime
its nearly the summer,
i cant cope with the thought of the summer,
this summer will be my worse yet,
my worse one ever
i wont be getting beat up, hopefully, ;-0
but i will be losing the most important person in my recovery and i cant cope with that
i cant do it,
i cant do this without her i dont want to do this without her id rather just not do
the lighter the nights, the worst my mood,
the more i dream, the more i want to scream,
i want to harm myself, i want to kill myself
after four years of pretty intense therapy im still here stuck with this fuck
im still ashamed for letting him do to me what is just not normal
im still ashamed for all the times i actually felt something, something good, something nice
im still sick to the pitt to think about the things we done,
i look at my girls they are as young as i was, as i am, as i feel some times
and it is so not normal what i done, what he done to me, what we done as a "couple"
i wish now that when he put his hands round my throut and let me go that i too would have went and not fought,
why did i have to fight to live when this is all im living,
my life is over now, ive nothing left to give, nothing else to share, nothing else to do,
i just want to be free of you and thats not going to happen or it would have by now
what will people think of me when im not here, will it matter?
will the girls always be known as they girls whose mum killed herself, whose mum fooked off and left them to it, whose mum didnt care about them, when really its so so different i know that, how can no one else know it or see it, its because i love them i cant do this not because i dont,
maybe if i could escape for a day it would be better, if i could feel as good sober as i feel drunk then i could cope, if i could have that escape, if i could run away, if i could just sleep without dreaming,
dream without sleeping and live without HIM
im not coping with the lack of escape
i cant drink, i cant get waisted because im carrying this baby,
but i really need to just escape it all for ten minutes, for 10hours, just for sometime
its nearly the summer,
i cant cope with the thought of the summer,
this summer will be my worse yet,
my worse one ever
i wont be getting beat up, hopefully, ;-0
but i will be losing the most important person in my recovery and i cant cope with that
i cant do it,
i cant do this without her i dont want to do this without her id rather just not do
the lighter the nights, the worst my mood,
the more i dream, the more i want to scream,
i want to harm myself, i want to kill myself
after four years of pretty intense therapy im still here stuck with this fuck
im still ashamed for letting him do to me what is just not normal
im still ashamed for all the times i actually felt something, something good, something nice
im still sick to the pitt to think about the things we done,
i look at my girls they are as young as i was, as i am, as i feel some times
and it is so not normal what i done, what he done to me, what we done as a "couple"
i wish now that when he put his hands round my throut and let me go that i too would have went and not fought,
why did i have to fight to live when this is all im living,
my life is over now, ive nothing left to give, nothing else to share, nothing else to do,
i just want to be free of you and thats not going to happen or it would have by now
what will people think of me when im not here, will it matter?
will the girls always be known as they girls whose mum killed herself, whose mum fooked off and left them to it, whose mum didnt care about them, when really its so so different i know that, how can no one else know it or see it, its because i love them i cant do this not because i dont,
maybe if i could escape for a day it would be better, if i could feel as good sober as i feel drunk then i could cope, if i could have that escape, if i could run away, if i could just sleep without dreaming,
dream without sleeping and live without HIM
Thursday, 4 March 2010
why oh why
im surrounded by people yet i feel so alone
i really really need to cry and let it all out
i need to get rid of this christmas flashback,
i just need to talk it through, cry, puke, whatever i might do,
i need to cry and be comforted, be cuddled and held and protected
i need to feel that there are people who care
i know there are, but i cant help feeling so alone
i cant shake the feelings that i want to escape
that i want to run, that i want to hide,that i want to commit suicide
i cant shake them off or let them go,
i think its a god send that my hubbie cant cope remarkable on his own
as if i knew deep down he would do the better job without me id be gone, but i really dont know
i have three gorgues kids, a home, a family that care, a husband what the fuck is wrong with me
why cant i just leave the past in the past, why can i not be happy, why do they still haunt me
i saw one of them in town last week again, he cant even look at me now,
i make him THAT sick, he cant even look at me
i bet i make lots of people sick,
im scared that people can all see me for a tart, a tramp, a slut a slapper,
people who love me are not helping, they dont tell me im doing well,
I really need to shake this feeling off as i cant cope for much longer with it,
i feel like ive went way back, i feel like im 6 or 7 sometimes 8 on a good day i might feel 13,
i want to feel 30 i want to feel like a mother, i want to smile and feel the smile inside,
not smile so others dont see what im really feeling,
i want the sick feeling in my stomache to go, i want the sick dreams in my head to go
i want the bastard thats dead to leave me, im sorry i shoudnt have said that,
but i need you to go now, i cant cope more or is that what you want, you want me to die so you have me all over again, so that you wil always have won,
why oh why do i need to prolong this agony, why oh why am i being made to suffer this
im not a bad person, if anything im a lot kinder than a lot i know,
why is life so fookin awfull
why do i need to go on,
i just want a sign that i can go, anything just so i will know
i really really need to cry and let it all out
i need to get rid of this christmas flashback,
i just need to talk it through, cry, puke, whatever i might do,
i need to cry and be comforted, be cuddled and held and protected
i need to feel that there are people who care
i know there are, but i cant help feeling so alone
i cant shake the feelings that i want to escape
that i want to run, that i want to hide,that i want to commit suicide
i cant shake them off or let them go,
i think its a god send that my hubbie cant cope remarkable on his own
as if i knew deep down he would do the better job without me id be gone, but i really dont know
i have three gorgues kids, a home, a family that care, a husband what the fuck is wrong with me
why cant i just leave the past in the past, why can i not be happy, why do they still haunt me
i saw one of them in town last week again, he cant even look at me now,
i make him THAT sick, he cant even look at me
i bet i make lots of people sick,
im scared that people can all see me for a tart, a tramp, a slut a slapper,
people who love me are not helping, they dont tell me im doing well,
I really need to shake this feeling off as i cant cope for much longer with it,
i feel like ive went way back, i feel like im 6 or 7 sometimes 8 on a good day i might feel 13,
i want to feel 30 i want to feel like a mother, i want to smile and feel the smile inside,
not smile so others dont see what im really feeling,
i want the sick feeling in my stomache to go, i want the sick dreams in my head to go
i want the bastard thats dead to leave me, im sorry i shoudnt have said that,
but i need you to go now, i cant cope more or is that what you want, you want me to die so you have me all over again, so that you wil always have won,
why oh why do i need to prolong this agony, why oh why am i being made to suffer this
im not a bad person, if anything im a lot kinder than a lot i know,
why is life so fookin awfull
why do i need to go on,
i just want a sign that i can go, anything just so i will know
Wednesday, 3 February 2010
help me lord oh please help me
i shouldnt be feeling this way
i shouldnt be feeling the way i am
i want to run away
i want to get away from him
i cant help feeling so shit,
i cant help feeling so crap
i just want someone to help me
to run and run and run
i really cant do this anymore
im just glad i fight these feelings
im glad im no longer his little whore
please just let me run away from this
please hold me and let me cry
please tell me i dont need to die
please help me scream so loud
that im hurt, im hurting, im not proud
he has killed all i am, all i have and all ill ever be
i just want someone to love me for me
i shouldnt be feeling the way i am
i want to run away
i want to get away from him
i cant help feeling so shit,
i cant help feeling so crap
i just want someone to help me
to run and run and run
i really cant do this anymore
im just glad i fight these feelings
im glad im no longer his little whore
please just let me run away from this
please hold me and let me cry
please tell me i dont need to die
please help me scream so loud
that im hurt, im hurting, im not proud
he has killed all i am, all i have and all ill ever be
i just want someone to love me for me
Monday, 1 February 2010
im sick and tired of always being sick and tired
Im so so tired and yet im not getting a good sleep,
im waking, dreaming and screaming
i hate it,
i hate it, i hate it so so much,
Im ready to finish the telling now, im ready to speak the words
all the words, make sure they are all vocalised then i need to try and move on
i need to try and understand,
i feel so dirty just now, its been so long since i felt this bad,
im sure i just feel exposed or something
i want to cry but i cant cry alone,
i want to talk but i dont want to annoy people
i want to run away but you cant always get what you want,
Im sad and scared of what he done,
Im forgetting everything i say and do,
i forget everything and that scares me too,
I want to go out alone, even just a walk,
and im scared to do that too
i shouldnt feel scared anymore but i do
i feel sick to the stomach when i see what we done,
when i dream, when i get flashbacks, memories, smells, tastes, touch
it all repulses me so much,
i dont know anymore what im meant to do
i am trying so so hard, i really am trying,
im just so sick and tired of it all,
i just want to cry and be cuddled and know it just so so one hundred percent was not my fault,
i dont think im evil or bAD
the thought of that makes me pretty sad,
but i must be, i must be or why why why?????????????????????????
im waking, dreaming and screaming
i hate it,
i hate it, i hate it so so much,
Im ready to finish the telling now, im ready to speak the words
all the words, make sure they are all vocalised then i need to try and move on
i need to try and understand,
i feel so dirty just now, its been so long since i felt this bad,
im sure i just feel exposed or something
i want to cry but i cant cry alone,
i want to talk but i dont want to annoy people
i want to run away but you cant always get what you want,
Im sad and scared of what he done,
Im forgetting everything i say and do,
i forget everything and that scares me too,
I want to go out alone, even just a walk,
and im scared to do that too
i shouldnt feel scared anymore but i do
i feel sick to the stomach when i see what we done,
when i dream, when i get flashbacks, memories, smells, tastes, touch
it all repulses me so much,
i dont know anymore what im meant to do
i am trying so so hard, i really am trying,
im just so sick and tired of it all,
i just want to cry and be cuddled and know it just so so one hundred percent was not my fault,
i dont think im evil or bAD
the thought of that makes me pretty sad,
but i must be, i must be or why why why?????????????????????????
Sunday, 24 January 2010
i think its getting easier, then something fooks it up
On the therapy front we are making some great progress,
the difference that has been pointed out to me receantly
between me now and me at the start of therapy are remarkable,
i can see it now its been shown to me and it amazes me
i know though its far from over
im sat here tonight, worried and feeling very naked and bare to the world
i dont know why, but i feel like everyone looking at me knows my past,
knows what i am and judges me for it,
I think this was made worse by the news that i was having another baby,
never ever before have i felt so dirty or so used as to think im having another baby,
people will think im a tart, a slapper and always "at it" when that couldnt be more wrong,
\im devastated that my coping mechanisms have been taking from me,
I cant cope without them but i have no choice,
so no more cutting, no more smoking and no more drinking,
how i will cope or manage i dont know
im struggling to sleep as the nightmares are taking over again,
i hate nightmares, they are the pits,
i hate having to live it through over and over,
i really dont want to do this for ever,
i couldnt cope with forever,
i just want never,
the difference that has been pointed out to me receantly
between me now and me at the start of therapy are remarkable,
i can see it now its been shown to me and it amazes me
i know though its far from over
im sat here tonight, worried and feeling very naked and bare to the world
i dont know why, but i feel like everyone looking at me knows my past,
knows what i am and judges me for it,
I think this was made worse by the news that i was having another baby,
never ever before have i felt so dirty or so used as to think im having another baby,
people will think im a tart, a slapper and always "at it" when that couldnt be more wrong,
\im devastated that my coping mechanisms have been taking from me,
I cant cope without them but i have no choice,
so no more cutting, no more smoking and no more drinking,
how i will cope or manage i dont know
im struggling to sleep as the nightmares are taking over again,
i hate nightmares, they are the pits,
i hate having to live it through over and over,
i really dont want to do this for ever,
i couldnt cope with forever,
i just want never,
Tuesday, 29 December 2009
D-day one is over the best is yet to come
My eyes are closing as i type,
but i need to typeand try and rid
then maybe the eyes will stay closed for at least some of the night
christmas is over, i survived, im here,
it was awfull yet why as i was surrounded by happiness,
happiness created by me,
yet all i felt inside was anger, hurt and saddness,
at times i had to just take myself away so as others could not see
at times i felt so alone so so alone, yet those who say they love me most were with me
new year is coming,
another one i cant do,
same reasons, same damn memories,
only i have pictures of that nght,
a constant reminder,
it was so so late and i was so so tired,
why am i doing the whole host thing,
maybe i cant run away from it anymore
so i will face it,
my eyes are closing yet the head is full
i know now its gonna be another night of hell
maybe if i can sort it in thenight, itll give me more to fight in the day
i cant believe another year is nearlt over, think this is the one that needs to count
this is the one that needs to count the most,
in many many ways, i swore this man couldnt have me once i was 30, so ive decided that gives me til the day before my 31 lol
i really feel such an urge to talk to people, to tell them my story, how fucked up is that, i know people look at me and think im stupid, or a junkie or thick or a bad mother or lazy and i know when i walk into nursery or school that is what is being thought, that scares me that just makes me less want to go, i knwo im not of these things, if i was i wouldnt have got as far as i have, i wouldnt have the stable home that i have, if you can call it stable with me init, i would be dead and would have given up long ago,
im a fighter and i need to fight,
i need to go to sleep now and sorry to say but pray i dont wake,natural would be acceptable, and if i do wake then its time i startred trying to exercise the past, tell who needstold, cry cry cry and be angry,
for now i need to give into sleep, give into dreams, and pray my screams are not loud to wake teh house,
i really wish i had a safe cuddle i have one blankie instead
help me god i really need to sleep, please watch over me and send mee nice wee dreams,
but i need to typeand try and rid
then maybe the eyes will stay closed for at least some of the night
christmas is over, i survived, im here,
it was awfull yet why as i was surrounded by happiness,
happiness created by me,
yet all i felt inside was anger, hurt and saddness,
at times i had to just take myself away so as others could not see
at times i felt so alone so so alone, yet those who say they love me most were with me
new year is coming,
another one i cant do,
same reasons, same damn memories,
only i have pictures of that nght,
a constant reminder,
it was so so late and i was so so tired,
why am i doing the whole host thing,
maybe i cant run away from it anymore
so i will face it,
my eyes are closing yet the head is full
i know now its gonna be another night of hell
maybe if i can sort it in thenight, itll give me more to fight in the day
i cant believe another year is nearlt over, think this is the one that needs to count
this is the one that needs to count the most,
in many many ways, i swore this man couldnt have me once i was 30, so ive decided that gives me til the day before my 31 lol
i really feel such an urge to talk to people, to tell them my story, how fucked up is that, i know people look at me and think im stupid, or a junkie or thick or a bad mother or lazy and i know when i walk into nursery or school that is what is being thought, that scares me that just makes me less want to go, i knwo im not of these things, if i was i wouldnt have got as far as i have, i wouldnt have the stable home that i have, if you can call it stable with me init, i would be dead and would have given up long ago,
im a fighter and i need to fight,
i need to go to sleep now and sorry to say but pray i dont wake,natural would be acceptable, and if i do wake then its time i startred trying to exercise the past, tell who needstold, cry cry cry and be angry,
for now i need to give into sleep, give into dreams, and pray my screams are not loud to wake teh house,
i really wish i had a safe cuddle i have one blankie instead
help me god i really need to sleep, please watch over me and send mee nice wee dreams,
Tuesday, 15 December 2009
aint long left
im sorry to say this but i dont think theres long left
long to find the light
long to find the fight
long to find the truth
long to take an outh
no more no more no more,
its not long left til i leave,
til i go
til the lord comes and takeths away
the lord giveth and the lord taketh away
ten days til i do the big red man,
then thats it, my time will come
im sorry for anyone who knows its real
im sorry im sorry im sorry its surreal
my head is away and my heart is empty
with all the filling its just not plenty,
im soiled
spoiled
hated being
why can i stay around for another,
i love my family, the ones im here with
but i cant love them more than i do just now
and do i need to lve them more to stick around and fill them with hate
i just want to cry,
i just want to scream
i want to love my kids enough to stay
i love my man more than i love the day
i love his life more than he needs a wife
i need to give them a break from me
do i run,
do i go and ask for respite
or do i igo forever,
someone please, someone somewhere help me know,
i just want a cuddle a cuddle itrs always that
im not dirty im not a tart
long to find the light
long to find the fight
long to find the truth
long to take an outh
no more no more no more,
its not long left til i leave,
til i go
til the lord comes and takeths away
the lord giveth and the lord taketh away
ten days til i do the big red man,
then thats it, my time will come
im sorry for anyone who knows its real
im sorry im sorry im sorry its surreal
my head is away and my heart is empty
with all the filling its just not plenty,
im soiled
spoiled
hated being
why can i stay around for another,
i love my family, the ones im here with
but i cant love them more than i do just now
and do i need to lve them more to stick around and fill them with hate
i just want to cry,
i just want to scream
i want to love my kids enough to stay
i love my man more than i love the day
i love his life more than he needs a wife
i need to give them a break from me
do i run,
do i go and ask for respite
or do i igo forever,
someone please, someone somewhere help me know,
i just want a cuddle a cuddle itrs always that
im not dirty im not a tart
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About Me
- a survivor.... or so they say
- Im a women who is slowly learning to survive, who is taking a journey into the past in order to gain a future. I have ptsd, bpd and suicidal ideation. I often wander if i would have any of that if it wasn't for the mess, the past.