What's the answer?

Stick a fork in me I'm done
I think the time for me has come
To end this torture
At last
Before I can get anymore bashed

You are torturing me
It's fkn hell
Your making me ill I feel
So unwell
Time to run and not look back
Time to finish this for one last time
As I can't continue on my own just fine

I don't want to be at this place
I really wanted to win this race
But you will always have full control
And I can't do it on my own

Stick a fork in me
Because I am done
Time to leave time to run
Stick a fork in me I am done
My life is over I can't even have fun

But what if I dont want to let you win
How can I do this how do I swim?
What is the answer? What can I do
To get on, get over and get a life without you
Haunting and hurting and keeping it real
Just leave me please just leave me to feel
Content or nothing or even just safe
That's all I want in this place

The nightmare I'm waking

My perfect rock bottom.
I can't live like this anymore
I can't feel like I'm on the floor

You have well and truly fucked me over
I can't let go I can't move on and you know why
Why would I decieve you so.....
Yeah I told I've told my story now
Now what what are you going to do??
Are you gonna stay true?
I'm waiting for you... I'm waiting for you....
I have nothing to fear now
Nothing NADA fuck all
Because the worse you done
You do, anything else will feel like a relief
A break no more of this none

My beautiful trauma, my drug, my fkn end
My perfect rock bottom I'm in control of this part I'll find a way out before you get me of that you can be sure .

I need a sign I'm looking for a sign it feels like time

I'm so so scared
It feels like time
Everything feels right
I hear you tell me
I hear everyone else
I know it's time but I'm still scared

Give me a sign
Let me know it's right
Let me know it's time
To come and meet my maker

When all else fails disappear with your cloak of invisibility 😉 I'm sure induced dissociation would be heavy frowned upon but better to go for an hour than forever?

Goodbye noise

No words left, no words needed, I am done.

I fight so hard to live
Fight daily to survive
Fight in secret to breathe
Fight in secret to be alive
Smile my way through each day
So my loved ones don't need to pay
Exist an existence of pretence
Time has come to end???
I hear him tell me it's a sign...

Prove he is wrong for once
This isn't the only way it's to be done

Suicide is it really a choice ?

It's not a choice
For many it's an only option
It's not lonely when your dead
It's not scary when your dead
It doesn't matter who believes you when your dead
No one can get in your head when your dead
You are in control of dying
You are in control of living
So why does existing feel so out of control

Just keep breathing

Breath...

Just breath....

It's all you can do is breath,

Don't let them win now,

Why can't you quiet the loud

The struggle is real

What's the deal

I hate the way you are making me feel

I don't want to be your secret no more

I can't be 5, 6,7 or 8  and i can't be your whore, I can't I hate

I'm sorry to say this

I know you will be pissed 

But I cant live 

If this is how it is

I've listened for years to you 

Inside my head 

But now it's so different I just wish I was dead

I hate the way that I have no control

I'm empty I've lost my very soul 

First in a long time

It's been so long since I posted
So long since I've blogged
Forgot how to write it down
Forgot it was good to keep it logged

Life is so different now
I've moved country for start which was good
My babies are not babies anymore
But it some sense life is just as poor

Had the most awful year
With arseholes breaking me down
Putting me back to where I was
They will only be happy when I'm in the ground

They have took me out my comfort zone
They have brought it all up again
They have made me fear of everyone knowing
And have me living there in the past again.

I listen to their words, I read the stuff
And it kills me to the core
They will never be happy til they destroy me
I'm sure they too think I'm just a whore

How "family" can use such a thing against you
And hold you to ransom and In line
Is something I will never understand nor something I'd ever do to mine

To threaten to tell people of your past
Confirms they believe it was me
When I thought that life was over
And now it's all I hear, feel and see

I'd love to say fuck you I don't care
But I don't want people to know

That "you" were meant to care for me
 But I was really just your little hoe
I wish you had died when they say you did
Is it me who is keeping you alive? Will you die when I do. Will it take that for your power to go,
I don't know

I can't relive this all again
And I can't just breath it gone
I can't switch off the constant noise
And I hate what i want to do
I hate that I have no life no voice
And I can't just blame you

Life was going great, the move had changed my life
Then you decided to rake it up And set me into strife
Reawakened everything that I fought so hard to go
Yet again I'm 5 year old his special little hoe

not being where i thought i was

spent most afternoon and evening flitting between now and then, then and now, and I'm not liking it at all
I want this all to stop and I'll do no matter what
I am a failure, a complete failure


people who care think by making me do this on my own I could do it oh how wrong, this shit just shouldn't b done alone
with no drugs or alcohol to numb me to the bone

I need help I don't want to do it alone 
never felt so inadequate insecure or scared
just support me now I'm getting scared