DRUGS

"cause the drugs dont work they just make you worse
but i know ill see your face again...."


they may not work but temporary relief and some control is better than nothing
please get out my head, please

im going for a record

Im going for a record the longest awake state ever
Or it feels it
I felt so so drained earlier, now i feel wide awake again
Its because its nighttime,
Its because it is dark
Im scared
Im aware
Im stupid
Im not here
Im there
Im over here
Help me please
Save me please....



I am trying so hard
And today feels like it was worth it
But then tonight im getting tortured
And i jut feel like shit
Im trying to get something back
But i cant, ive tried
Ive had enough, Im wacked!!!
Please help me, I trust you to do so
I dont deserve the time thats invested
I dont deserve to be heard and be listened
But i NEED it, i need me now,
Im trying to be angry
But i cant
How can I,
Its not allowed
Im believeing what you tell me
As much as i can, as much as im allowed
But thats not much
Why cant you hear him, why cant you listen
He said because you dont believe us
But if you dont I have nothing.

omg i aint even been to sleep

I didnt realise how late/early it was till my kids woke up
God only knows how i passed the night
I was on the net and going from one page to the next
Have toothache, though it isnt as bad as it was
But its a great excuse for not going to bed
Will i ever get back to sleeping like a
NORMAL PERSON
again, ever again, doubt it
Ive been scared to write on here for last few days
Scared what id say, what i wouldnt
so i avoided it at all costs,
though now i suppose i feel i need to
I need to re-ground myself and prepare for another bloody day
This is so awfull
Only 12-13hours til the kids are back in bed
So only that amount of time to function
Ive taken a panic attack already and they have only been awake for half an hour
They are not misbehaving,
Just my head that is, god im all over the place
Breath.....for god sake breath you stupid cow,
Im so trying, though i wonder if it is worth the effort sometime
A long long day ahead with a diet of cigs n tea to keep me, me
Keep me sane, or as sane as can be
With me that is not really that sane
This is the 70th post i have made on here,
I could make a book with this soon
Give someone a laugh
I wonder if i will ever make it to post 100
Probably not,
I wonder if ill make it to 7o clock the way i feel right now
Yep, I know im a stupid cow, but im trying so very very hard,
Im really trying, it just im so trapped, so stuck and so god damn scared
ohh i really need to go to sleep,
BIG TIME, forever and a day would be good......

Now the end is near its time to face my final curtain

Only i never done it all my way
but i can do some things my way
Im scared yet calm
I cant believe how numb to the ones i love ive become
Im slowly switiching off my feelings to them
Im slowly switching off my hurt for them
Im slowly switching off the guilt i feel
for leaving them to deal
And when the buttons all go off they will be free
And so will i
Free from thought free from pain
to live a life in purgatory
x.x.x

who/what/why???? confused???

Well i feel so confused
I feel so scared
I feel so unreal
Though i suppose i am starting over
I am a blank canvas
Lets hope we get a nicer picture this time
I feel relieved to know that i have an alley
Relieved that i can trust, its safe to trust
I feel safe knowing that i can talk
Though i feel confused wondering if i belong....
Where am I now,
What am i worth
Who am I
Where am I going,
Its time to learn it all again
Do it better, let go of the pain
Thats the plan and it will be hard
But the only way ill get anywhere
Is if i trust,so i have no choice
I feel safe, I dont know why
But i need to find out,
Who am I?????

to do or not to do that is the question????

I am in a state of confusion this morning....
A state of fear
A state of anger
But thats not fair
I shouldnt feel anger
I can not feel fear
I hate having feelings
I just wish i wasnt here
TO DO....
is the easy way out,
it is better for all around
it will help the kids n him
to get on in life without this bum
to be happy without being brought down
surrounded by love and cheer
not me n my fear
TO NOT....
cause then he has won,
I cant finish what ive started
I cant be a mum
I cant ensure there safety
I cant protect and love
Or can i do that better from above??

I just cant decide whats better whats worse
Do i stay and fight or do i just give up
I have little fight left inside to give
Will that come more if i choose to live
I dont know anymore
I dont know what to do,
yet im sure people think im not being true,
They underestamate the chances of me doing it
So do i do what he says and just prove it to them all
Prove im not lying, prove i can fall
Or is he pushing me for his own sake
does he want me to do it so his memory is safe
Arghhhh I really dont know
Do i listen to people that i trust and who seem to care
And let them guide me to another place, somewhere
Or do i listen to him, to all i know
and let him take me, decide to go,
im so confused, and so scared, yet i feel very calm
i truley dont know what to do,
i dont want to hurt, i dont want to upset,
im scared to hurt and im scared to let people down
But at the same time, im scared not to do as he tells me so
Im scared to live, as if i dont, who will he get,
If he is only alive in my head!!!then surely its better if im dead
then he will not survive anymore and can hurt no one.....
help me please before i lose the plot,help me make this decision
why does it have to be mine???
can no one make it for me, then it wont be my fault.....

it seemed like a good idea

Today was the hardest in a long long time
Yet when i made the decision it seemed so right
I thought id help others to understand
Yet it couldnt as it just made me feel bad
How can i tell the plans that i had to so
when i knew i was letting down the person whos helped me most
How could i possibel hope to ask for help
when i was so so scared to hurt her self
How stupid of me to think it would be ok
How daft of me to think it was safe
I left on my own to think too long
So what did they talk of, what did they say
Why did she not walk me on my way
the psych and I always leave together
but not today, did they speak forever
Its made me feel worse and worried and scared
I really shouldnt trust anyone but him,
I should listen when he warns and tells me the truth
As at the end of the day he is the one with the proof

Its ironic what i wanted and got,
as i left without it, without giving my word
Without a promise or mention
so I am free to go forth
Though he says that he planned all this so........
He wanted them together, to show they didnt care
And my life on here is over, not fair,
Though karma, deserved, whatever, who knows
He made his decision and they proved, so here goes!!!!!!!!!

t.g.i.w

Thank God Its Wednesday
I never thought i was gonna get to today
I said i would
I was told i had to
But i didnt think I would
But i have
My finger tips are slipping
And im holding on
Though for how much longer
I dont know
For how much more
I dont know
I should be gratefull i got to here
If i can do that
I can get to next week
And the next surely
Though i am holding on and only just
maybe its time i was honest about just how bad it is
I need to if ive to get help to hold on
If i really want to hold on
If not then why am i trying so bloody hard
It is harder to stay than to let go
People say its the easy option,
How true is that,....
As this is definetly hard.
Too hard sometimes

a long way to happy

ive got a bad bad feeling

this is torture

Im shattered its after 3am and im still awake,
Down the stair and just doing nothing
But then i feel so crap that ill do anything not to have to go to bed
Ive had enough,
Enough of not sleeping,
Enough of having no energy
Enough of wanting to say things when i cant
Enough of fearing the future,
The past and the here and now

Im sick of all the images in my head,
They are just toying with me
It feels like so so long since i last had an appointment
Yet it has not been,
Its only a week and a bit

I suppose i feel lost, confused, scared
the lot,
I feel rubbish, so tired yet so awake,or aware
Ive been very jumpy this last week,
The least little noise, vision
And im off on one,
I think im so on edge that im just super alert
Super jumpy and it is scarey

My head is spinning,
Unfortunatley it wont spin off
My eyes want to shut,
My body is screaming for sleep
But my head is screaming to be left alone

Is it time to work on me now?
Forget the past, what has happened,
Can a build a future for me,
Am i capable of something so difficult

my mind is shouting for tranquility
Yet inside it is screaming to not
trying to get out,
Trying to function,
Though im not

My body wants to leave
my head wants to go with it
my heart wants to try some more
but i just dont know that it can take it

i suppose there will come a time
that the decision will be mine
is that time now, or is it soon
will it ever be mine, or is it for him

What do you listen to
your head, your body, or your heart
i was always told never let my heart rule my head
is that the answer
or should i listen to my heart
over my head, i own my heart
do i own my head??