trapped

god i feel so so trapped
like ive never felt so trapped
im here for the taking now
i feel scared to go out
the panic is getting worse
i feel fear to sleep
the dreaming
i am his whore
i cant help it
ive proved to the world now
i cant believe what a mess it is now
i want to be happy
but thats a way way off
its a long long long way
ive just got such a bad feeling about everything
im trapped just a little more
i struggle as it is
i struggle daily
i feel guilty
i feel cheap
i feel dirty
i feel so so scared
this is just such a mess
its going to be such a long way to happy
i just never got how long til this last week
things are sent to test me
but me and tests have just had it this week
or is it a way of keeping me safe
i dont know

why

its funny when you realise how much someone means to you
its funny, but not funny haha
ive cried and puked all the way home,
ive never been as much a state as i am now
i havent even went for my cuppa,
im crying hysterical in my room
like ive never cried
im a mess
he knows it
you know it
ive never been as hurt as i am now
because ive never hurt
the worst feeling in the world is hurting people
letting them down
and thats wot i done
its not your fault that she is leaving
its not your fault that my mum hates me
its not your fault that your not my mum
but im so so sorry
i never meant to hurt,
i said wot i did last week through fear
please dont hate me
ive left today feeling that
you either dont believe
or think they were right and i deserved it all
or you dont like me
and out of all of them the last is probably the worst
i know i shouldnt care wot you think
but two years, my daughter was 2, and we met when i was pregnant
you are really the only one who truley cared and today i showed you why you shouldnt
i showed you i wasnt nice
not to hurt you
just so you can hate me like A does
im crying and its hurting more than it ever should,
im so so sorry
please dont hate me, please dont,
im so so sorry, you scared me today and i realised that you were human like me
you wont like me unconditionaly and i need to get to grips with that
i had my self all worked up for an attack today, is that not how it happens???
please dont hate me, please

just a note for you from me

J, just a not for you from me

Its all a mess
and its all so scarey
but at least im here im fighting though wary
i wont let you down, i wont give up
i wont make you regret, i wont make you hurt
i am your rising star and ill keep on rising
til ive got to the end then i start my shining,
we will get there J you and me,
we can do this, we need to do this,
I will make you proud I promise,x,

Im brave but im chicken sh""t

I cant stop the panic
it feels like my chest is going to cave in
im counting my breathing
in and out and thinking about each breath
things have become clearer of wot went on
i dont know that i was even meant to be there
god was i even meant to know
I dont think i was meant to see,
Or meant to be aware,
So how is that wrong
So why did i even think like that
Did i hope it had been more,
Of course i didnt
Did i really think that others were involved
I dont think i did,
I always knew it was confused and muddled
And my head was playing tricks
So why did i not just waite til
I knew for sure
Or would i never have known for sure
If i hadnt spoke
Why could i betray like that
Ive thought of nothing more,
And its so much clearer now that im letting me think
Ive been physically sick with the realisation in my head
That I shouldnt have been, or seen or saw
I shouldnt have hid behind that door,
I shouldnt have feared him for his looks,
I should have known that he was all good
How can your head not let it be clear
Til you think the worse when there was nothing to fear,

The panic im having
is so so bad
the feeling in my heart
Is so so sad
The loss that im feeling
For twenty eight year
Is worse than the hate,
the hurt and the fear
Its gonna be the longest
two weeks that ive ever been through
But ill just have to cope
to get on and get through
I can sort some out on monday so that good
But then im stuck much longer after

Im tired but im restless

I cant get the shit that im in out my head
Ive been angry for days now
Angry with lots of people
For lots of things
Im taking control and some might not like it
But i cant go on feeling i have no rights
I do have rights as does every human
My inability to say what i want to say
leaves me being accused
I was accused of manipulating today
I WAS NOT
I was angry, i didnt want an answer or a lecture
I didnt want my failings pointed out
I wanted support
Roll on next month as at the rate things are going
The things promised will be taking away
I dont understand the huge concern
I dont know why people need to talk about me
I am capable of when needed asking for what i need
I have one of the brightest kids in the nursery
A happy kid, she has her moments, dont they all
I have a loving child, one who knows right and wrong
One who can tell anything without fear
And more importantly one that has respect and love for herself
And others
I have a child that will offer to help people without prompting
Who will say please and thankyou without prompting,
Who is tidy, who is clean, who is read to everynight
Who is cuddled when it is needed
Who is told off when is needed
I have a child that knows mummy can be angry and dislike something they have done
But who loves them regardless,
And she is only 5, so why can people think im not doing 100%
I was thinking it all along, thinking that without me they would go further
But they wont they are what they are because of me
I was given a blank canvas and produced a masterpiece
So how can people doubt anything where children are concerned,
Im so so so angry that my inability to allow me to show that ive done well
My inability to allow people to praise,
More importantly my fear of letting people see my love for my children
Which is so strong it physically hurts me
Yet because i feel that i cant show people that,
Or that this may be wrongly judged then im leaving myself open to too much
I cant seem to get my head clear today, yet yesterday it was as clear as day
today its all foggy and hurting
I am so much more equiped now than i was last year
So why now,
Maybe im all so wrong, maybe i should stop listening to what i think is being said
But then can i be this wrong
This will be a long weekend, the longest in so long,
Then next week when i should be celebrating, I wont i will be paranoid
Wandering what they are deciding, who is going to come to the door,
Scared that things ive said go further,
that any trust i had will be blown away
Why when i take a step forward is there always someone ready to push me back
Or am i so used to that, that i make it happen,
Is it just the pressure that this month brings
Are people wanting me to hate them as that makes it easier,
I suppose i should stop assuming and see what monday brings,
But that is so so so much easier to say than do
I just dont understand what i do so wrong,
Yet obviously they all do,
Im sad that my parenting skills where even criticised today
As i know im a good mum, regardless of what i say
My eldest wouldnt be as confident as clever as happy as she is
If it wasnt for me and her dad ensuring this,
I need to put it out forget it tonight
And enjoy the weekend and just forget the nights
It just all seems to be such a mess
Why oh why do i need to say so much
I only say what i can to the ones that i can
As i need support and believed
Not criticised and confused
Why do they all have to go and talk
Behind my back, behind the block
Come here, go there but not leaving me out
Then i fear whats said and what secrets come out
I suppose its another 72hours i think
Till i can even ask or discuss the reason
to phone to talk to discuss my being,
But i need to air what is in my head
I could be so wrong
I could have so mis read
But i cant see it like that,
I know emotian and today i was faced with many of them
Pissed off, angry annoyed them all
And that scares me from someone i trust more than all
If it was someone who didnt know or know me
Then i would cope with that and support wee me
But how can i support her, when her feelings feel wrong
When i want to grieve and i want to work on
Then along comes something else to make it not on
I know that things are never easy
But jesus this is more than hard
Its awfull, its tiring, its exhausting and scarey
But i need to fight til the end til im so happy,
Welcome to my new life
I was told the other day
And i couldnt have put it any other way
So heres hoping its not altered before i can start
And heres hoping i can grieve and accept im not a tart
Hopefully i can admit that i love my kids so much
That i will always be the best they have got
Would have and is possible
surely everone can see this,

thankyou for tearing me apart

how true how true how true

Im lost but im hopefull!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

anxiety takes over

Im stuck and cant move
its been 7hours since i sat here
and im struck and stuck with fear
Im scared that it happens before i can speak
Why cant i ever speak what i want to
I know i need to

But i know deep down it will have to be alone
But i cant i just cant do it alone
I wonder if they check it over
Can you sneak in and hide
Then you would never be dead only missing
But then it would take me
He cant do that
Ive fought for ever
two years now, to undo the hurt
two years to undo the fear
But i knew i had to go back
But i didnt want it forced
Its forced now
I didnt think it would be so soon
I thought i could juggle it for a while
I thought it would be my choice
To bury, to go, to be strong
This just aint happening

I cant get my head round anything tonight
i can see no light
there isnt even a tunnell
i now know what i need
it is so clear
it is so near
and it just aint happening

Im really scared
Im petrified and i cant do much more middle of the night crap
I want to be left alone
I know i just need to work harder
Ive done the hard bit for me,
ive trusted, i still trust, ive spoken, though not as much as i could
or as much as i should
but ive still spoken
why can i never tell it like it is,
why cant i have sessions now at 3am,4am
if only!!!!
when its real, its raw, its scarey
why cant i just ask for what i need
why does the fear of regection take over

Im not a child,
not any more,
so am i really of any use to him
it was wee me he liked
or is it scared me
or will i always be a child in his eyes
in my eyes
A grown women could voice her wants
would not fear sounding stupid
a grown women could talk without waffling
A real women could just say what she needed to say
whats the worst you can say????
the "i cant tell you if i have kids"reply
stops me probably,still makes me think twice before saying anything
but it shouldnt
maybe i need a reality check,
maybe i need to rememeber who i am

is it the fear of feeling that hurt, that stupid, that daft
again maybe it is
or is it the ultimate regection
even down to things that others would just say
others would just ask
others would just speak
why do i have to watch what i say
i know im waffling rubbish
but maybe it will clear some of the stuff out my head
maybe its so hard as i know it is unrealistic
maybe i just set myself up to fail
to hurt
to be miserable
i cant remember not feeling numb
so maybe i deserve no more
i need to stand up and shout that im not bad
but how many people will shout back
j i really need you to help me speak,
i know you do,and i know you get so pissed off with me
im sorry for that,it is not my intention
im not sure if we have an agenda for this week
i know i do, but i spose i always do,
but the closer its getting the more overpowering its getting
ive googled my night away
trying to work out when when when,
but im getting no where
im so scared that im gonna screw this up too,
its a hard time ahead the lighter nights
i know i hate the dark
but id rather it be dark with shadows
than light with every detail to be seen
why could they do that to me
i just want to feel clean
they have left me so dirty and ugly and bad
them all, even him,
they have made me mad,sad and scared
they have made me so damn aware
i hate living in a jumpy, noisy world
a loud and noisy head
i want to remember that he is dead
but they all are not, the pics are not
and worse of all they are not in my head
im waffling away here,
in the hope of the birds start singing
the kids get up and ill be back to safety
im scared to go on like this,
i want someone to come and get me
take me away from him
dont let him touch me anymore
dont let him take the pictures
dont let people watch, i dont like people watching
i dont like them touching themselves
or me or anyone else,
i dont like mens bits, things, what ever,
i cant bear to see them, yet i do,
even in my safety i was faced with that
Even in my safe place, there was still that,
with men touching themselves
and i feel sick to the stomache
why why why why why why why
i thought better
why though i dont know, as what makes any of them different
i feel sick and i cant stop them
if i count squares til i can count no more
then will it be over and will it be time to go
i dont like the place im in
its clean too clean and smells like disinfectant
i hate that smell
like a hospital
reminds me of unwell
there are too many people around to know to see
i know most of them and they all know me
but some i dont know, some you dont see
they make sure of that, but they can still see me
and others, other stupid niave people
but how do they know me
because im lucky, special, good,
or because im stupid, dirty and rude
i hate being there for them to oggle
why would they even want to watch
surely they cant get happy from pain
surely they can see that its not a big game
she is there, she thinks its fun
i dont think so, i just want my mum
but she isnt there, no where to be seen
im just left here, with these two and there team
i cant cope with the thoughts of what they done
or what i let them do
why would they pick me,
what have i done so bad
they always had to drink first
was i really so bad that they had to be drunk
before they could even be with me
sounds familiar, sounds like the way
i hate this room, i cant escape
with the walls, the ceiling i know it all
the lights the switches the marks on the wall
i cant shut it out, its here and now,
im writing it down to escape just now
but its not working,
im trapped and i have to let him torcher me more
as i cant fight against him any more
i dont want to hurt and i dont want to hate
but i cant help thinking that im not great
that im bad, that im ugly, that i need taught a lesson
that im lucky, that im special and that im a precious person
his princess, his special girl, his lovely one
her good girl, her number one, her favourite being
she only showed what she did, so i was believing
that it was nice and gentle too
but she didnt know it was gentle with you
you were always worse when others around
you always treated me bad when she was there
you made me hurt more, scared more, and full of fear
why did you not show her that you cared, or them too,
then maybe they would have left it to you
why did you have to do such real bad things
infront of others but not behind
maybe if it was always the cuddles the gentle the not so sore
then i could cope better than i am no more
i cant take the hate you had for me
the love, the hate, the disgust in your face
the look ive seen from you and another
you know who but you and no other
but that look scares me more than you
as i know what that look can do
i need to stop now as im getting scared
im not feeling brave
im not feeling well
im talking to you to drown you out,
but its not working is it
you are always louder, stronger and bigger than me

think i need to go and get some music to my ears
very very loud music, its 4am now
im running out of ideas,
only another 2hours to kill

numb numb numb

having a heavy head full of nothing
is better than a clear head but full of everything
how much more will it take to get to where i need to go
how much more of numb does it take

i sit and waite for it to kick in, so it can kick him out
tomoro i need some respite, ive had a week of me, no nothing
just me
its been the worst week in life,
in the now, not the past
its been torture and hell
and enough is enough
ive tried but ive failed so tomoro
its back to that again
wot else can someone do in order to breath
to live, to exist
im devastated that "me" is so bad, i need somthing to disguise it
im sorry that im making such a mess of everything,
of my life, of my future of everything

one gets me through the day the other through the night
what a mess, what a disgrace, what an excuse of a person i am
im so pissed off that i should be better, i cant just forget if only
if only if only
as it runs out and im still me,

will i make it

When i started writing this blog it was to mark my road to survival
that road was always gonna be hard,
was always gonna be difficult
was always gonna be rocky,
but somehow, somewhere, something said it was a road i had to take
A road to survivial
i was a survivor in the making,
that always gives the idea that im going to make it
But now comes a time, again, again and again, you all say
that i have to decide am i "in the making" or am i "in the failing"
im thinking the latter
there comes a time when i have to say enough is enough,
Or when others have to feel enough is enough
how much time do people have to waste on me!!!!!!!!!!
I wonder if walking away is less cruel than finality,
but could i walk and never ever turn back, i dont know
Would i not always be thinking, where, when, why and what??
So then i come back surely that is worst than not being here at all
The countdown is in, should i be scared or excited???
Should i feel relief or fear
should i feel so so calm or should i feel frantic??
I know what i feel, but is that normal, or is anything i ever feel normal
People think i was abused, it was years ago, ive told people, now get over it,
if only it was so easy, people think you tell and life gets better,
you yell and the pain goes away
if only it was that easy
if only my past wasnt my everyday