i almost got there

My survival pack is almost ready

Its funny, some people pack there birth bag
others pack babygrows
the one thing im concentrating on is survival,
packing things that will get me through
packing things that will keep me there
packing things that will make sure i dare
I got a parcel today that is all packed away
it made me smile and laugh
i hope it does on the day
ill know im not alone so i suppose that will help

When its all over ill have one more reason to live
One more person to love
protect and shape into an independat person
A happy person,
Maybe thats why its happening again,
to show me i can

I need to get through this for my baby, for my babies
I need to concentrate on that
I need to remember its not like then
It might feel like it
My head might go there
But please god let it get back,
Let me do this, im trying so hard,

im so sad

Again ive let myself down and kept things brewing
instead of writing,
So i find myself writing now, needs must i suppose
Time is going so fast now and im scared, I cant believe there is not long left
The fear i feel takes me back
the pain i feel takes me back
and im sad, im scared and im angry
I dont do angry very well so thats a hard thing to feel,
Im feeling it with all the wrong people and not the one i should feel it too
But im realising that, slowley but surely so thats better

Flashbacks are terrorising me day and night now, its funny how your mind works
I try to remind myself that im here and now and not there n then
but thats not easy,
ive been in my invisible blanket allday today, its been a while since i needed it for a full day,
even now im wrapped up hoping that everyone will go away and leave me,
how much security can one peace of cloth do???
But i just let myself believe im safe, im sure thats ok,
I need to think im safe, or i just cant go on
hopping that will head will turn off soon,
thats my ears will stop working,
that the screams i feel inside might come out
And maybe my day will be over,

The "stupid " thoughts are here again, thankgod its not just me anymore
I often wonder who decided they were stupid thoughts....
As to me, being free is not a stupid thought,
having no more pain is not a stupid thought,
hanging around and taking some more now thats a stupid thought,
makes you think, why is dying so wrong, yet living has to be right????

if by some freak accident i died tomoro, would people say i was stupid??
of course they wouldnt they would make sure my kids knew they were loved,
make sure my family where cared for and my kids would never blame themselves
they would grow up happy and secure as everyone arround would ensure that,
so why is it if i jumped off a roof or hung from a beam it would be a disgrace
my kids would be scarred, there life would be awfull etc etc
why do they both have to be so different, i just dont understand that,
especially when part of my reasoning would be for my kids,

Might go and cry some more, i feel all cried out yet with so much more crying to do, how strange, im crying for then, crying for now, crying for the last twenty five years of crying thats not been allowed,

An Update

Its been so long since ive written
ive tried on many occasions but just cant find the words just now
Im still trying to get to the end
The light i can see now,
music to everyones ears,
Im scared to move on as much as im scared to stay here,
I can still see him, hear him and feel him daily
but i can do other things at the same time now
im surviving enough to get through the shopping,
the school run and the "painting a smile on"
im scared to admit how bad i still feel as i know it just disapoints
Im scared to admit that i still want to die,
that i still think im to blame
that i still want to run away
that i still want to scream
There is extra reason to try and try
I am having another baby, so i need to ensure that im "together"
i want no more than to have the most together kids
to do it so differently
so it gives me some fire in my heart
Its hard when they are not here to remind me to breath
when they are not in my vision to remind me who i am now
But they are in my heart and for that i need to fight,
its hard, i so underestamated how difficult life could be as a survivor
Being a victim was hard, feeling to blame is hard,
but the work involved in trying to survive is so so hard,
i try to remember that although its bad and its hard,
it can never be as sore, scarey and bad as it was when it was happening
but lets be honest, id rather be eating jelly tots than doing this!!!!!

Please

Flashbacks, smells, images, dont tell
i see you do it,
i feel the pain
yet im told im ok now
its not the same
i laugh out loud
That its meant to be better
its harder its worse
its just not better

you hurt me daily
i smell your smell
i see your face
i hear you tell
i hate that youre with me

every day every night
why cant you leave me
why dont you go
and give me some hope
some time, no more

I hate the control that you still have
you must be happy and having a laugh
that im such a mess, such a wreck,
such a failure
but i cant get on with you saying it all
your in my head and you wont let go,
Its not fair what your doing to me,
Its been to long and i just want to be free

Free from the hurt
the pain and the shame
free to live, my life
my aims,
please,

it shouldnt be this way

Things are getting harder and harder all they steps i took
All that journey i took
The hard work, to get better
To feel better and cope better
And now i feel like im back at square one,
I cant do it without the meds,
I cant do it when its not numbed at least a wee bit numbed would be nice,
I listen to the laughter and the playing
I want to reach out and join in,
I want to be a real mummy,
But i cant, i cant bear the pain,
And im not to blame, I know its not like then,
But i cant help thinking bad things happen when im happy,

Im hanging on by the skin of my teeth just now
It really shouldnt be as bad as this,
I should feel better than this,
But its all tumbling down around me
One moment i feel strong and ready to fight
The next i feel like im in the corner, scared and with fright,
I can not win, I never can
I dont know why i fight so hard sometimes,

More tests to come,
the worse one of all
then i spose it should only get easy,
Or easier, or even less destroctive would do,
As right now its the self destruct i could do
I cant take the noise anymore,
I just want it to stop, silence anything but this,

relationships are just so confusing

Boy meets girl
You were my dream,my world
But i was blind
You cheated on me from behind
So on my own
I feel so all alone
Though I know it's true
I'm still in love with you

I need a miracle
I wanna be your girl
Give me a chance to see
That you are made for me
I need a miracle
Please let me be your girl
One day you'll see it can happen to me
I need a miracle
I wanna be your girl
Give me a chance to see
That you are made for me
I need a miracle
Please let me be your girl
One day you'll see it can happen to me
It can happen to me

Day and night
I'm always by your side
Cause I know for sure
My love is real my feelings pure
So take a try
No need to ask me why
Cause I know it's true
I'm still in love with you

I need a miracle...
I wanna be your girl
Give me a chance to see
That you are made for me
I need a miracle
Please let me be your girl
One day you'll see it can happen to me
I need a miracle
I wanna be your girl
Give me a chance to see
That you are made for me
I need a miracle
Please let me be your girl
One day you'll see it can happen to me
It can happen to me

this song just makes me cry just now,
can it happen to me,
do you love me,
can you be by my side

I still hear your voice, when you sleep next to me.
I still feel your touch in my dreams.
Forgive me my weakness, but I don't know why
Without you it's hard to survive.

'Cause everytime we touch, I get this feeling.
And everytime we kiss I swear I could fly.
Can't you feel my heart beat fast, I want this to last.
Need you by my side.
'Cause everytime we touch, I feel this static.
And everytime we kiss, I reach for the sky.
Can't you hear my heart beat so...
I can't let you go.
Want you in my life.

Your arms are my castle, your heart is my sky.
They wipe away tears that I cry.
The good and the bad times, we've been through them all.
You make me rise when I fall.

'Cause everytime we touch, I get this feeling.
And everytime we kiss I swear I could fly.
Can't you feel my heart beat fast, I want this to last.
Need you by my side.
'Cause everytime we touch, I feel this static.
And everytime we kiss, I reach for the sky.
Can't you hear my heart beat so...
I can't let you go.
Want you in my life.

though thats one is worse,
as i just dont know anymore,
how can love hurt, how can it be so confussing
how can you love me then hate me
i dont know anymore wot i need and wot i want

can you cry til your tears are dry???

I dont think i can take much more,
im thinking of leaving and seeing how it goes without me
to see how it will go if im definetly not here,
Im thinking if i can see them all coping i can know they will
i cant stop crying
im letting everyone down round about me
i feel like im failing the world even though im trying so hard not too,
i feel like im letting everyone down by being a burden and being around
i watched the world tumble down, not everyones world
but it was mine, i watched it over and over again
and i dont think i can watch it again
what do i have left now to prove to me it was real,
To prove to others too,
I have nothing, just my word
And i know that people wouldnt care for that
So thats the last, ive got no chance of proving it right

I wanted to go there, for one last look,
to win the battle that ive always took
To see how tall i am in the spaces there,
To feel less scared walking up the stairs
To smell the smells that time would have changed
To put new thoughts of it into my brain
But like everything else I failed to do
I couldnt go there, i ran out of time
And now its no more, i cant ever win the control
In my head, in my dreams, in my waking moment
The place will win everytime
As like everything else i lost the control

I want to go on but change so much
But its better to hurt one than many
So its better that i feel pain than any one else
No matter what i think its not worth the fight
As im bringing them down and making them sick
Sick of fighting and sick of me,
Sick of having a strop, a psycho, an idiot, just me
It was meant to get better but its not at all,
So i cant think what else i can do so wrong,
I feel the world stare and judge
And they wont do that if im no more,
They might just help them all some more,

God give me strength and show me the path
That i need to take for everyone else
It cant be about me
Not to start
its gotta be about the people that matter
Its the sadest thing ive ever realised
thats im screwing up my nearest and dearest,
But when mum makes you scared when she shouts and balls
And angers dad so much he explodes,
then whats the point of her being around
When mums are meant to help not hinder
A mum will do anything in the world
To make sure there child has the best
So maybe its time for this mum to rest,

dreams are nightmares, and nightmares are no dreams

Im not really doing well
Im sleeping, then im dreaming, im dreaming the worst
so i wake, when i wake there still there,
i cant be happy,
i cant get on with silly wee tasks,
Im stuck in a rut,
Ive nearly finished my talking,
there isnt much i havent disclosed
so should i feel like this
i thought it got better
yet right now its worse
i want to run away and hide
i want to just run and run where i cant be found
but there will always be them, i cant run from them
they seem to find me
i cant hide when they are a part of me
this next few weeks are going to be hard
i know that more than ive ever known anything
i cant imagine for a minute how im gonna get through it
its alright for others to say to make my own memories
to do my own thing, to make them happy
i dont know how to do that,
i dont know how to stop them taking over my every thought
i feel when im out that everyone knows and they look at me with such disgust
i cant blame them, though sometimes i wish they would understand
i didnt know what was happening, i was not aware,
so surely people cant blame me,
i wish they wouldnt
i dont want to blame me anymore, but the other choice is to scarey
so i might run,
i want to be happy, feel happy, not fear, not dirt, i want to do something with my life
i dont want them to end it, but its so close now, and events in the next seven days will make or break me, they will be the final nail in the coffin or the final string to pull me up and get me on,
im so so so scared, i felt calm now i feel fear,
i wish it didnt have to be like this, but im losing any control i did have

what a mess!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I think its time i gave up
i think theres only so many times i can ask for help
And get no where,
there has to be a reason for that
there has to be

there are people consistently there, who help
and thankgod for them
but today i went to the drs for anti-depressants
to me that shows i want to get better
the ones i were on are no longer suitable
so i stopped
im dizzy, sick, low, tearfull, angry and yep
suicidal
so i thought id go to the drs and sort it out
what did i get NOTHING
no anti depressants, ive to go to my own gp
who i cant get an appointment with
then they phone and say ive to ask the m.h.t
for an appointment for anti-depressants

In this country where junkies get methadone,
FREE OF CHARGE
Alcoholics get more money for alcohol
FROM THE GOVERNMENT
And i am denied an anti depressant
A tablet that will help me live
without which i can not live and will not live
Ive told my family to sue the nhs when i commit suicide
as ive asked for help

to say im disgusted would be a true description
though to say im hurt would be a truer one
I feel like the powers that be are telling me
im not worth an anti-depressant
they couldnt care if i commited suicide
they have given up on me
so why should i keep going,
im trying so so hard and fighting each day to live
yet im left fighting all the harder as i cant even get a happy pill
now more than ever ive to try and not self medicate
how can i not self medicate when they wont even medicate me
Its just an absouloute mess and one that will come to an end one way or another
maybe its a test, maybe they want to see wot i will do,
or maybe they truley dont care and thats one less script to write
one less script to fund, one less number to accomadate,
whatever it is they just didnt need to do it to me just now
im not strong enough for this just now,
im not strong enough for any of it,
how can i possible fight, when i have no fuel left to fight with
when im sick,sore and hurting,
why is this all happening now, what is the reason for it now
why should i even try to fight, when no one else is fighting for me,