please someone help me
im all set to run, dont know where to go or when to stop,
they are all tucked up in bed, unaware,
i dont know what to do or how to get there
please someone help me,
I'm fine
Sunday, 14 August 2011
Sunday, 7 August 2011
just
im just holding on by the skin on my teeth and no more
im just holding on to save all the grief and no more,
i can t think of anything else but dying
i cant bear the thought of my girls crying,
but i cant bear the idea of my screwing them up either
im stuck in a life i can not live
being a wife i can not be
having thoughts i dont want to have
seeing images i dont want to see
i need this to be over now,
i thought it was
i need this to be over now
i pray to god,
please help me, please, please help me
im just holding on to save all the grief and no more,
i can t think of anything else but dying
i cant bear the thought of my girls crying,
but i cant bear the idea of my screwing them up either
im stuck in a life i can not live
being a wife i can not be
having thoughts i dont want to have
seeing images i dont want to see
i need this to be over now,
i thought it was
i need this to be over now
i pray to god,
please help me, please, please help me
Thursday, 28 July 2011
fuck
whats happening, this is all a mess,
i cant stay where i am,
i cant stop going where i dont want to,
i just want to sleep ffs
music thumping, feet all over the place and biting my lip, gum etc all still happening
my feet are so so sore with rubbing them together,
i think this is it,
i wonder
who fkn knows
but this is not good, somewhat mental, feel like everything is going 100mph,
i feel the adrenilin move under my skin
music is all i need
i dont really care
is this really as good as it gets,
lets see what tomoro brings, its at least worth that,
its wednesday its allowed i think,
why do i feel five, i dont wanna feel so young anymore, i want my big people eyes, please,
i cant stay where i am,
i cant stop going where i dont want to,
i just want to sleep ffs
music thumping, feet all over the place and biting my lip, gum etc all still happening
my feet are so so sore with rubbing them together,
i think this is it,
i wonder
who fkn knows
but this is not good, somewhat mental, feel like everything is going 100mph,
i feel the adrenilin move under my skin
music is all i need
i dont really care
is this really as good as it gets,
lets see what tomoro brings, its at least worth that,
its wednesday its allowed i think,
why do i feel five, i dont wanna feel so young anymore, i want my big people eyes, please,
Wednesday, 27 July 2011
thankyou
just went into somewhere i had no need to be, somewhere i had no thought of, somewhere i was sure id looked a hundred times and found my blankie, my blanket, my invisible cloak, ive looked for it for nearly a year and im really finding it weird as to where it was and why it was there but never mindi have it the one time i need it more than ever ever before,
so whatever, however and whyever i went there thanks, i feel safe again and best of all i found it at 4 o clock today, how weird is that, only me knows why, but it feels so safe tonight now, hope it lasts til morning, please god
so whatever, however and whyever i went there thanks, i feel safe again and best of all i found it at 4 o clock today, how weird is that, only me knows why, but it feels so safe tonight now, hope it lasts til morning, please god
ooooffffffffffffffffffftttttttttttttt
How did i get here,
How ever did i get back here,
Im sat at 12.40am with music thumping into my ears
i need to listen to the music to stop the thoughts racing,
music will give me something to concentrate on,
My stomach feels like im on a rollercoaster and i dont like it one little bit
Please please just go away and leave me alone,
i cant take much more of the noise, the frantic, scarey, horrid noise,
I cant cope much more with the things you say
please just go away
i thought it was getting better but you are defo here to stay
the music isnt working, the typing isnt working, my feet are all over the place
the wallls are coming in on me, i need to get out of here,
i dont know where to go, i dont know which path im meant to take
i wish you would just tell me, if you tell me ill listen
i promise ill listen, i always listen, you know i listen,
Im sorry for everything, im sorry for telling, ill never tell or talk anymore,
i promise i wont but please just leave me alone, i am scared and sore and feel sick and tired i need to sleep but i cant sleep what if you come back in, i want to know when to breath in, when to disapear, i dont want to have to disapear after you are here so i need to stay awake to see you, hear you, know you are coming to get me, im so so so sorry if i make you mad or sad, i dont want to or mean to ,
please just let me sleep andleave me alone, i need to be left alone for one night, for everynight,
i need to turn the music up, as the thoughts are still racing, the thinking is still there,im tired, the music will get me through if nothing else, maybe if i open my eyes it will get easier then again maybe it wont, if i keep them closed i can switch some of it off but then im not grounding myself,my poor band has lost its ping,
How ever did i get back here,
Im sat at 12.40am with music thumping into my ears
i need to listen to the music to stop the thoughts racing,
music will give me something to concentrate on,
My stomach feels like im on a rollercoaster and i dont like it one little bit
Please please just go away and leave me alone,
i cant take much more of the noise, the frantic, scarey, horrid noise,
I cant cope much more with the things you say
please just go away
i thought it was getting better but you are defo here to stay
the music isnt working, the typing isnt working, my feet are all over the place
the wallls are coming in on me, i need to get out of here,
i dont know where to go, i dont know which path im meant to take
i wish you would just tell me, if you tell me ill listen
i promise ill listen, i always listen, you know i listen,
Im sorry for everything, im sorry for telling, ill never tell or talk anymore,
i promise i wont but please just leave me alone, i am scared and sore and feel sick and tired i need to sleep but i cant sleep what if you come back in, i want to know when to breath in, when to disapear, i dont want to have to disapear after you are here so i need to stay awake to see you, hear you, know you are coming to get me, im so so so sorry if i make you mad or sad, i dont want to or mean to ,
please just let me sleep andleave me alone, i need to be left alone for one night, for everynight,
i need to turn the music up, as the thoughts are still racing, the thinking is still there,im tired, the music will get me through if nothing else, maybe if i open my eyes it will get easier then again maybe it wont, if i keep them closed i can switch some of it off but then im not grounding myself,my poor band has lost its ping,
Saturday, 11 December 2010
Arghhhh
I just want to feel happy
not sad
i want to feel gratefull
and glad
i want to feel something
inside
not just empty and wanna
hide
i hate this everyday
the feelings im scared to say
this wasmeant to be over
meant to be done,
but i cant end it, it cant be done
i want to scream and want to run
i want to hide i want to cry
please someone help me
i miss someone so good to me
and i need to prove i can do this for her now, not me,
i need to show her im all "cured"
but i cant when i dont feel pure
I hurt inside when i dont want to
i still see things that i cant deal with
for fuck sake ive had enough now
leave me alone you had your cut now
Am i asking to much to be normal
to be safe, to be loved to be normal
to take my kids out without feeling scared
to sit in an untidy house without feeling sick
seeing toys without freaking out
hearing noise without blocking out
i just wanna be normal for my kids
to love the like a mother should,
to let them make mistakes
to let them play and fight
to let them wear silly clothes,
nighties, sk0irts with no tights,
i cant look after them,
i cant do nothing right
im so so upset
so misunderstood
i cant take the put downs i hear or the ones in my head
im really really trying when all else is said
but im not doing best, not doing as i could
so maybe im not worth the doing i should
maybe im an arsehole and god is just telling
he made a mistake when he gave me my blessings
not sad
i want to feel gratefull
and glad
i want to feel something
inside
not just empty and wanna
hide
i hate this everyday
the feelings im scared to say
this wasmeant to be over
meant to be done,
but i cant end it, it cant be done
i want to scream and want to run
i want to hide i want to cry
please someone help me
i miss someone so good to me
and i need to prove i can do this for her now, not me,
i need to show her im all "cured"
but i cant when i dont feel pure
I hurt inside when i dont want to
i still see things that i cant deal with
for fuck sake ive had enough now
leave me alone you had your cut now
Am i asking to much to be normal
to be safe, to be loved to be normal
to take my kids out without feeling scared
to sit in an untidy house without feeling sick
seeing toys without freaking out
hearing noise without blocking out
i just wanna be normal for my kids
to love the like a mother should,
to let them make mistakes
to let them play and fight
to let them wear silly clothes,
nighties, sk0irts with no tights,
i cant look after them,
i cant do nothing right
im so so upset
so misunderstood
i cant take the put downs i hear or the ones in my head
im really really trying when all else is said
but im not doing best, not doing as i could
so maybe im not worth the doing i should
maybe im an arsehole and god is just telling
he made a mistake when he gave me my blessings
Friday, 14 May 2010
is this is a shift!!!!
I really shouldnt be sitting on here just now as i should be getting ready to take my girls to school,
but i cant move today
something really strange has happened,
i think theres been a shift,
i think something inside me has changed,
but omg i dont know if i like it,
i want to stand up and scream and shout, i want to shout to the world what i went through
i want to punish every one of them,
when i next see one of them in town or at the shops i might well go up and tell him to watch his back, i feel brave or angry i dont know,
it scares me this new sense of whatever it is,
i want the world to know that these bastards violated everything i had,
i want the world to make sure they do it to no one else
i want to kill them, string them up and punish them first,
I wonder how much they would enjoy feeling like they were going to die daily,
i wonder how they would feel being raped, beaten and then blamed,
i wonder how they would feel being humilated
bathed and scrubbed as though i was dirty, how would you like that when you were sore and scared
FUCKIN BASTARDS NEED FUCKIN SHOT
AND I THINK IM READY TO DO THAT NOW
ive never felt the way i feel today and omg im scared, a voice inside is telling me im wrong, i was the bad one, not them, i need to stop thinking otherwise, i cant tell anyone or i might have to be sent away to live, but im sick of that voice, its never helped in the past so WHY LISTEN NOW
im so so so scared as the feeling in my stomache is like an urge to do something,
i nearly wrote on fbook ............ was raped and beaten by a gang of paedophiles while growing up many of whom where family members, but they dont rule me anymore and i am not ashamed,
but i changed my mind to .......... has lost her marbles as thats kinds how it feels to be feeling like this, maybe i have lost my marbles or maybe i have found them!!!
god only knows,
but i cant move today
something really strange has happened,
i think theres been a shift,
i think something inside me has changed,
but omg i dont know if i like it,
i want to stand up and scream and shout, i want to shout to the world what i went through
i want to punish every one of them,
when i next see one of them in town or at the shops i might well go up and tell him to watch his back, i feel brave or angry i dont know,
it scares me this new sense of whatever it is,
i want the world to know that these bastards violated everything i had,
i want the world to make sure they do it to no one else
i want to kill them, string them up and punish them first,
I wonder how much they would enjoy feeling like they were going to die daily,
i wonder how they would feel being raped, beaten and then blamed,
i wonder how they would feel being humilated
bathed and scrubbed as though i was dirty, how would you like that when you were sore and scared
FUCKIN BASTARDS NEED FUCKIN SHOT
AND I THINK IM READY TO DO THAT NOW
ive never felt the way i feel today and omg im scared, a voice inside is telling me im wrong, i was the bad one, not them, i need to stop thinking otherwise, i cant tell anyone or i might have to be sent away to live, but im sick of that voice, its never helped in the past so WHY LISTEN NOW
im so so so scared as the feeling in my stomache is like an urge to do something,
i nearly wrote on fbook ............ was raped and beaten by a gang of paedophiles while growing up many of whom where family members, but they dont rule me anymore and i am not ashamed,
but i changed my mind to .......... has lost her marbles as thats kinds how it feels to be feeling like this, maybe i have lost my marbles or maybe i have found them!!!
god only knows,
Wednesday, 21 April 2010
how can i feel this good sober!!!
I really need to escape, to get drunk, to get waisted just to feel escape,
im not coping with the lack of escape
i cant drink, i cant get waisted because im carrying this baby,
but i really need to just escape it all for ten minutes, for 10hours, just for sometime
its nearly the summer,
i cant cope with the thought of the summer,
this summer will be my worse yet,
my worse one ever
i wont be getting beat up, hopefully, ;-0
but i will be losing the most important person in my recovery and i cant cope with that
i cant do it,
i cant do this without her i dont want to do this without her id rather just not do
the lighter the nights, the worst my mood,
the more i dream, the more i want to scream,
i want to harm myself, i want to kill myself
after four years of pretty intense therapy im still here stuck with this fuck
im still ashamed for letting him do to me what is just not normal
im still ashamed for all the times i actually felt something, something good, something nice
im still sick to the pitt to think about the things we done,
i look at my girls they are as young as i was, as i am, as i feel some times
and it is so not normal what i done, what he done to me, what we done as a "couple"
i wish now that when he put his hands round my throut and let me go that i too would have went and not fought,
why did i have to fight to live when this is all im living,
my life is over now, ive nothing left to give, nothing else to share, nothing else to do,
i just want to be free of you and thats not going to happen or it would have by now
what will people think of me when im not here, will it matter?
will the girls always be known as they girls whose mum killed herself, whose mum fooked off and left them to it, whose mum didnt care about them, when really its so so different i know that, how can no one else know it or see it, its because i love them i cant do this not because i dont,
maybe if i could escape for a day it would be better, if i could feel as good sober as i feel drunk then i could cope, if i could have that escape, if i could run away, if i could just sleep without dreaming,
dream without sleeping and live without HIM
im not coping with the lack of escape
i cant drink, i cant get waisted because im carrying this baby,
but i really need to just escape it all for ten minutes, for 10hours, just for sometime
its nearly the summer,
i cant cope with the thought of the summer,
this summer will be my worse yet,
my worse one ever
i wont be getting beat up, hopefully, ;-0
but i will be losing the most important person in my recovery and i cant cope with that
i cant do it,
i cant do this without her i dont want to do this without her id rather just not do
the lighter the nights, the worst my mood,
the more i dream, the more i want to scream,
i want to harm myself, i want to kill myself
after four years of pretty intense therapy im still here stuck with this fuck
im still ashamed for letting him do to me what is just not normal
im still ashamed for all the times i actually felt something, something good, something nice
im still sick to the pitt to think about the things we done,
i look at my girls they are as young as i was, as i am, as i feel some times
and it is so not normal what i done, what he done to me, what we done as a "couple"
i wish now that when he put his hands round my throut and let me go that i too would have went and not fought,
why did i have to fight to live when this is all im living,
my life is over now, ive nothing left to give, nothing else to share, nothing else to do,
i just want to be free of you and thats not going to happen or it would have by now
what will people think of me when im not here, will it matter?
will the girls always be known as they girls whose mum killed herself, whose mum fooked off and left them to it, whose mum didnt care about them, when really its so so different i know that, how can no one else know it or see it, its because i love them i cant do this not because i dont,
maybe if i could escape for a day it would be better, if i could feel as good sober as i feel drunk then i could cope, if i could have that escape, if i could run away, if i could just sleep without dreaming,
dream without sleeping and live without HIM
Thursday, 4 March 2010
why oh why
im surrounded by people yet i feel so alone
i really really need to cry and let it all out
i need to get rid of this christmas flashback,
i just need to talk it through, cry, puke, whatever i might do,
i need to cry and be comforted, be cuddled and held and protected
i need to feel that there are people who care
i know there are, but i cant help feeling so alone
i cant shake the feelings that i want to escape
that i want to run, that i want to hide,that i want to commit suicide
i cant shake them off or let them go,
i think its a god send that my hubbie cant cope remarkable on his own
as if i knew deep down he would do the better job without me id be gone, but i really dont know
i have three gorgues kids, a home, a family that care, a husband what the fuck is wrong with me
why cant i just leave the past in the past, why can i not be happy, why do they still haunt me
i saw one of them in town last week again, he cant even look at me now,
i make him THAT sick, he cant even look at me
i bet i make lots of people sick,
im scared that people can all see me for a tart, a tramp, a slut a slapper,
people who love me are not helping, they dont tell me im doing well,
I really need to shake this feeling off as i cant cope for much longer with it,
i feel like ive went way back, i feel like im 6 or 7 sometimes 8 on a good day i might feel 13,
i want to feel 30 i want to feel like a mother, i want to smile and feel the smile inside,
not smile so others dont see what im really feeling,
i want the sick feeling in my stomache to go, i want the sick dreams in my head to go
i want the bastard thats dead to leave me, im sorry i shoudnt have said that,
but i need you to go now, i cant cope more or is that what you want, you want me to die so you have me all over again, so that you wil always have won,
why oh why do i need to prolong this agony, why oh why am i being made to suffer this
im not a bad person, if anything im a lot kinder than a lot i know,
why is life so fookin awfull
why do i need to go on,
i just want a sign that i can go, anything just so i will know
i really really need to cry and let it all out
i need to get rid of this christmas flashback,
i just need to talk it through, cry, puke, whatever i might do,
i need to cry and be comforted, be cuddled and held and protected
i need to feel that there are people who care
i know there are, but i cant help feeling so alone
i cant shake the feelings that i want to escape
that i want to run, that i want to hide,that i want to commit suicide
i cant shake them off or let them go,
i think its a god send that my hubbie cant cope remarkable on his own
as if i knew deep down he would do the better job without me id be gone, but i really dont know
i have three gorgues kids, a home, a family that care, a husband what the fuck is wrong with me
why cant i just leave the past in the past, why can i not be happy, why do they still haunt me
i saw one of them in town last week again, he cant even look at me now,
i make him THAT sick, he cant even look at me
i bet i make lots of people sick,
im scared that people can all see me for a tart, a tramp, a slut a slapper,
people who love me are not helping, they dont tell me im doing well,
I really need to shake this feeling off as i cant cope for much longer with it,
i feel like ive went way back, i feel like im 6 or 7 sometimes 8 on a good day i might feel 13,
i want to feel 30 i want to feel like a mother, i want to smile and feel the smile inside,
not smile so others dont see what im really feeling,
i want the sick feeling in my stomache to go, i want the sick dreams in my head to go
i want the bastard thats dead to leave me, im sorry i shoudnt have said that,
but i need you to go now, i cant cope more or is that what you want, you want me to die so you have me all over again, so that you wil always have won,
why oh why do i need to prolong this agony, why oh why am i being made to suffer this
im not a bad person, if anything im a lot kinder than a lot i know,
why is life so fookin awfull
why do i need to go on,
i just want a sign that i can go, anything just so i will know
Wednesday, 3 February 2010
help me lord oh please help me
i shouldnt be feeling this way
i shouldnt be feeling the way i am
i want to run away
i want to get away from him
i cant help feeling so shit,
i cant help feeling so crap
i just want someone to help me
to run and run and run
i really cant do this anymore
im just glad i fight these feelings
im glad im no longer his little whore
please just let me run away from this
please hold me and let me cry
please tell me i dont need to die
please help me scream so loud
that im hurt, im hurting, im not proud
he has killed all i am, all i have and all ill ever be
i just want someone to love me for me
i shouldnt be feeling the way i am
i want to run away
i want to get away from him
i cant help feeling so shit,
i cant help feeling so crap
i just want someone to help me
to run and run and run
i really cant do this anymore
im just glad i fight these feelings
im glad im no longer his little whore
please just let me run away from this
please hold me and let me cry
please tell me i dont need to die
please help me scream so loud
that im hurt, im hurting, im not proud
he has killed all i am, all i have and all ill ever be
i just want someone to love me for me
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About Me
- a survivor.... or so they say
- Im a women who is slowly learning to survive, who is taking a journey into the past in order to gain a future. I have ptsd, bpd and suicidal ideation. I often wander if i would have any of that if it wasn't for the mess, the past.