First in a long time

It's been so long since I posted
So long since I've blogged
Forgot how to write it down
Forgot it was good to keep it logged

Life is so different now
I've moved country for start which was good
My babies are not babies anymore
But it some sense life is just as poor

Had the most awful year
With arseholes breaking me down
Putting me back to where I was
They will only be happy when I'm in the ground

They have took me out my comfort zone
They have brought it all up again
They have made me fear of everyone knowing
And have me living there in the past again.

I listen to their words, I read the stuff
And it kills me to the core
They will never be happy til they destroy me
I'm sure they too think I'm just a whore

How "family" can use such a thing against you
And hold you to ransom and In line
Is something I will never understand nor something I'd ever do to mine

To threaten to tell people of your past
Confirms they believe it was me
When I thought that life was over
And now it's all I hear, feel and see

I'd love to say fuck you I don't care
But I don't want people to know

That "you" were meant to care for me
 But I was really just your little hoe
I wish you had died when they say you did
Is it me who is keeping you alive? Will you die when I do. Will it take that for your power to go,
I don't know

I can't relive this all again
And I can't just breath it gone
I can't switch off the constant noise
And I hate what i want to do
I hate that I have no life no voice
And I can't just blame you

Life was going great, the move had changed my life
Then you decided to rake it up And set me into strife
Reawakened everything that I fought so hard to go
Yet again I'm 5 year old his special little hoe

not being where i thought i was

spent most afternoon and evening flitting between now and then, then and now, and I'm not liking it at all
I want this all to stop and I'll do no matter what
I am a failure, a complete failure


people who care think by making me do this on my own I could do it oh how wrong, this shit just shouldn't b done alone
with no drugs or alcohol to numb me to the bone

I need help I don't want to do it alone 
never felt so inadequate insecure or scared
just support me now I'm getting scared

freaking the fuck out

scared

this is the worst feeling ever
i have that rollercoaster in my belly
i feel like its been forever
and my legs now feel like jelly
i want this all to end now
i cant stand people thinking in a cow
i hate that i feel like i want to die
i hate that in fighting with my head
i hate that i want to.run goodbye
i pray to god to let me just go to bed
i feel like i want to punch and kick
shout and scream
but what's the point, i need to watch how in seen
i want to phone the psychs and plead them to help
as the fear i have of killing myself is killing me keeping it to my self
in fighting it, trying to stop it and not giving in
but it still wont leave me to sleep
i feel itchy, agitated, fidgety, scared, stomache like a rollercoaster head like a round about and i just want my bed
but at the same time i want to be dead,
someone please help me live
i have so much i want to give
i don't want this feeling i don't want to die
i want to live and i want to try but the urge is so strong in scared ill die, xxx help.x

a mess

i want to die
i want to cry
i want you to.help me
i don't know why
i can not cope
i can not see
but i know what they bastards have done to me
i know i am dirty, skanky, tarred wee cow
but please take me for now
i am 33 and feel six
i just want a hug and to stop feeling sick
i fear you think i am a total twat
in not in scared of all that
of life without flashbacks and being a whore
will have a point or no purpose no more
help me, see me as i really am
N not.the product of this sick fuckin man
cuddle me, protect me and give a damn
like no other has not even my man xxx
if i don't suceed and beat this beast
just do them proud and teach them well
make them appreciate north,south,west and east
how lucky they are even though im deacesed
love u girls your honery aunties will take care of you xxxxxxx

I don't want to feel this way

I want to feel happy
 I want to feel real
 I don't want to feel sad
 yet I should be happy to feel

 I hate that the cutting
 somehow stops the pain
 frees my mind and hides his name

 I can't do these flashbacks no more
 I can't see me there, his little whore
I'm sick in my stomach from pretending it's good
 nothing will remove that no matter how much food

 I hate this still happening
 it should be well gone now
 but even with the flash carwe
 when on my own don't know how

 I have no one to turn too
 I'm scared they get bored
 of the same old, same old, same old
 WHORE

 my husband left me
walked out on us all
 people kept saying I should have a ball
 how could I, without the only man who knows
 I felt sad and scared
 but much to prove,
now he has came back I don't know what to do
 I look at it with hate in my heart from what he done
 he left me to rot to fail to be a mother on my own
 now I'm scared to love him again
 to trust him like I've never trust men
 I'm scared he has lied and cheated to me
  scared he will do it again, we will see

 for now I'm stuck, stuck in this place
 wanting to die, to cut or be numb
 wanting to think, without feeling a whore
 wanting to live without fear outside the door
 wanting to be normal, wanting to be sane
 but that's never gonna happen,
never gonna be
 I'm a whore I'm dirty and that's just me...

fuck me how long does it take!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Had a great night or is that a "great " night," im freaaked out this week has meaning that i need to find out what it is,phoned nhs24 to speak to cpn, im triaged someone will phone iwithin 3 hours rhen mentaL HEakth an hour later, this whole fkn shotty system is crap, i couldbe dead (or asllep) by then,  an y eyes are shut the,ucpondingso phone on vibratehour in and im starting to feel so so so so worse, byut tonight was make o r break, i made, but this is ridicoulous, to be clingingon to a phone pleasding it to ring rather go hang yourseld is pathetic, ththink i pissed the call handler off by telling her nowt,but look at my notes cow, i have to writethis down incase anything happens, so people know how shit the system is,

i really im trying i promise i am

but what is the fuckin point, my girls, deserve better
my husband deserves better
what tramp and whore would give it away like i did,
i hate this memory,
i hate the feeling of my skin crawling
of the touch
the smell,
the fear,
hate it all
i just want it over now, no more painting a smile, ive set a date in my head, its a nonsignafacance date for everyone i know and if its no better by then then i apoligise in advance to the stranraer train driver,itwas/is nothing against you, its just me,

this shouldnt be this way

things shouldnt still feel this bad,
they shouldnt be as bad as this,
this is horriffic,
i feel sick
i want to die, but i want to live
i just want to live and be alive,
i have the greatest gift from god in my children
people think im selfish,
im not selfish
i dont want to leave them, i just dont want to be with them like this
i want to cry, but i cant do that,

things are getting darker and harder, WHY IS THIS
i want to be happy, i dont wake in the morning and say, lets feel shit again,
think people need toget that thought through there head
i dont WANT NOR TRY to feel like this,

my kids are walking on egg shells, my husband just looks at me now like he has had enough
how the fuck do they all think i feel,
i dont want to want to die
i dont want all these people in and out our life


i wish i had a wand, i cant trust anyone anymore,
think people have had enough of me,
i just want to feel better, i just want to becuddled to sleep,
and to sleep for a day, i want to cry, i want to die,
but i need to live,

help me

please someone help me
im all set to run, dont know where to go or when to stop,
they are all tucked up in bed, unaware,
i dont know what to do or how to get there

please someone help me,