When is enough enough??

When does enough become enough
When does the time come when by being alive you are doing more harm than good

When you feel like you are letting everyone down all the time are you? Or is it just me that thinks that.
Does my family think I do more harm than good.
Do they agree with my head and what my heart is telling me
I feel broken hearted with the realisation that I may be holding them back
How can I say I love them if I'm willing to hold them back
I love them more than I love life I will give my last breath to make sure they know I love them but am I just getting in the way of them having a happy life
My anxiety means they aren't street wise, so when people do them wrong and break them that's my fault for never allowing them to be street wise.
When they all go on holiday but feel obliged to keep messaging me etc.. as I can't go with them, what kinda failure can't go on holiday with their kids
My fear has kept them protected and shielded so when someone does wrong they get very upset, I've caused that!
When does the time come when you are doing more harm than good? When does the times come to say I'm out of here for good I've ruined enough. But what if I haven't what if Its just me who thinks this what if they are glad I've protected them glad I watch out for their every move, glad I've fought for them? But I don't know I know what I believe and I can't do harm to my babies I just can't they have a great dad who could meet a women he deserved not landed with one who's hopeless who's an idiot. He could go back to work, he could live the life he deserves, happy wife happy life and all that. I'll never be more than what they made me I'm too ashamed to live anymore

Trust me????

When someone tells you to trust them????
Asking me to trust anyone???
The scary part is I am trusting them trusting them to play it down to help me out this hole to get me to a better place
Trust them not to repeat what I say
Trusting them to believe me, trusting them with my everything.
I never ever thought I could truly trust anyone, people who have told me to trust them in the past have done the unthinkable to me what's that to trust?
But this is different I think they genuinely care about me they have nothing to gain by betraying me, so I have to trust.

Trust is such an alien concept for me that it's a struggle it's making me nervy and very uneasy I'm on edge I'm very hypervigilint and i really don't like it but I have no choice I will trust I have to trust and I think I do actually trust. How scary is that ??? But nothing else for it. I need this to stop, need to be better or what is the point!!! Feel like I can do this we can do this. I have someone fighting my corner for first time in a long time so time to trust stop letting the fear stop me stop letting them win!

I can't do this anymore

I really can't do this anymore
I've tried so hard
I've really really tried
I'm sure people think I'm not trying
I'm sure they have had enough of me and this mess
I know it's cptsd I've read some articles and it all makes sense to me
But how many people can ever get better or over it

I tried to say how bad it is but how do you tell people your seeing him, hearing him, smelling him, feeling him when he is dead
How can you tell someone that when they want you to be over it?
Why can't I get over it? Does that make Pepe think I want this? Who would want this who would want to live 24/7 in a state of fear a state of alarm?
Suggesting it's time i moved on makes me think that they think it's choice? It's not choice why would I choose this.

I really feel like I'm having a mental breakdown, I can't control my anxiety, I won't wash/dress for days on end I can't concentrate, I am losing all functioning and no one seems to believe me ? Or do they think I'm exaggerating when really I'm playing this down so much.

I know the end is gonna come very soon as no one can keep going the way I am. I wanted to say so much but how can I? How do you tell someone how bad this is? I'm losing hours every day dissociated the rest of the time I'm on the edge of the chair ready to run, watching everything round me , my head is full to the brim, it's awful how much control he has over me

I'm exhausted yet so alert im anxious more than I've ever known panic attacks are causing flashbacks, flashbacks are causing panic attacks. Flashbacks are making my anxiety high my anxiety is causing flashbacks, I can't think straight I can't stand up without feeling dizzy,
I can hear creaks that make me jump and waiting on him coming to get me
I feel so much shame and so ashamed like I can't let that go, I feel embarrassed and sick at what I've done with him.
I just keep waiting on him coming to kill me and think it would be easier to do the job for him. I really feel like no one cares and everyone has had enough maybe I'd be doing everyone a favour if I just ended it all for once and for all as I'm clearly not meant to be doing much more. I can't shake that feeling that I'm just a burden on people now and that's not something that I ever want to be 💔

To hospital or not???

I have the chance to maybe go into hospital for a week maybe(hopefully) to let my head rest to let my body rest and to just get over this anxiety, this bad place, this living hell.

Do I want to go
I would go in a heart beat I would go right now I would go there in a minute as i my head is telling me it's what I need. I know that it's maybe the only safe way to sort it out

Why not just jump at it then?
I'm scared of the stigma that will come with it if people find out
I'm scared I'll be on a ward of noisy people and come out worse
I'll miss out on my appts with my cpn and wiwith only three appts left before she leaves i don't want it to end at yesterday or not get a good ending to a relationship that I truly value
But most importantly of all what if my husband is so angry at me what if he thinks I don't appreciate all he does what if he doesn't get it? What if he hates me for it ? What if my kids know where I am. I know my kids and husband will cope great without me I've not been an equal partner of late and they are doing well but what if he thinks it's something I want and not something I need. Is it worth that risk?
I'm so confused I don't know what to do I really don't know what to do 😔😔😔 head or heart ???? I wish someone would tell me what to do.

Someone please help me

I have someone I can trust
I know I'm one of the lucky ones
Someone who has proved they are their for me but someone who still has to leave
But thankgod she told me she believes

I can't tell her I really truly actually plan to die as I don't want it to feel minupulitive when we are about to say bye
I don't want her t
So I have told her how bad I feel but I haven't told her I'm actually going to die (don't worry she can't read this)
The thing is I don't even want to die, I don't want to miss out on all the future memories
I don't want to miss see my little people succeed in life
I don't want to miss my calling, my purpose, my reason for being as I haven't found that yet
But the flashbacks the trauma the reminder of it all. The desperate to tell it all but never being able the wanting to talk for hours but not knowing the words to use and running out of time badly to do it.
So what the point of this the point is I have my plan, I am ready, I am going to end it and let the others rest easy. But I am scared I'm making the wrong choice but who can I ask?? It's time to just suck up and suicide as no one is able to rescue me and the sad thing is I want rescued

What's the answer?

Stick a fork in me I'm done
I think the time for me has come
To end this torture
At last
Before I can get anymore bashed

You are torturing me
It's fkn hell
Your making me ill I feel
So unwell
Time to run and not look back
Time to finish this for one last time
As I can't continue on my own just fine

I don't want to be at this place
I really wanted to win this race
But you will always have full control
And I can't do it on my own

Stick a fork in me
Because I am done
Time to leave time to run
Stick a fork in me I am done
My life is over I can't even have fun

But what if I dont want to let you win
How can I do this how do I swim?
What is the answer? What can I do
To get on, get over and get a life without you
Haunting and hurting and keeping it real
Just leave me please just leave me to feel
Content or nothing or even just safe
That's all I want in this place

The nightmare I'm waking

My perfect rock bottom.
I can't live like this anymore
I can't feel like I'm on the floor

You have well and truly fucked me over
I can't let go I can't move on and you know why
Why would I decieve you so.....
Yeah I told I've told my story now
Now what what are you going to do??
Are you gonna stay true?
I'm waiting for you... I'm waiting for you....
I have nothing to fear now
Nothing NADA fuck all
Because the worse you done
You do, anything else will feel like a relief
A break no more of this none

My beautiful trauma, my drug, my fkn end
My perfect rock bottom I'm in control of this part I'll find a way out before you get me of that you can be sure .

I need a sign I'm looking for a sign it feels like time

I'm so so scared
It feels like time
Everything feels right
I hear you tell me
I hear everyone else
I know it's time but I'm still scared

Give me a sign
Let me know it's right
Let me know it's time
To come and meet my maker

When all else fails disappear with your cloak of invisibility 😉 I'm sure induced dissociation would be heavy frowned upon but better to go for an hour than forever?

Goodbye noise